Judgement
by Sweet Lu
Summary: An exploration into Deeks' desire for revenge after the team is taken down by an arms dealer. Inspired by the season finale.
1. Chapter 1

**Judgement**

...

Deeks stood sullenly in the waning light with hair dripping wet from a brief rainstorm, his anger fresh and brutal, crushing his usual easygoing nature beneath an overwhelming craving for revenge. He had tried to fight it, but coming back here to this almost deserted town, had enhanced the vivid memories and he felt the familiar churning in his stomach and bile rose in his throat. He knew he should have stayed away, but remaining at the hospital wasn't an option he could tolerate. There was nothing he could do now, nothing that would change what had happened, so he had come here once again to stare in the windows of the small yellow house, hoping to catch a glimpse of the man responsible for the savage injuries to the three people he regarded as family.

He swallowed hard as images suddenly crowded his mind, causing him to shiver violently until he was able to get himself under control. It was becoming harder to do that, to control the anger and the desire to simply pull his gun, walk across the street and up to the door and wait until the man answered and then fire point blank into his chest until his gun was empty. That impulse rode eerily close to the surface now and he choked down a bitter curse as more images flashed through his mind. Images of the battered and bloody bodies of his friends and his lover caused him to tightly close his eyes as if that would block out the dark, gut wrenching visions. He could still hear himself screaming as he shouted their names and struggled to reach them in spite of a fear so overpowering he almost retched, unable to move fast enough, unable to believe that kind of horror had happened on such a warm, pleasant afternoon.

Dusk slowly settled over the old Delta town of Locke, almost obscuring the faded Chinese characters painted on the storefronts along the main street as the muted cries of thousands of Sandhill Cranes returning to their nesting grounds along the river filled the moist air and distracted him for a moment. Stepping back into the shadows of the overhang, he became aware of soft murmurs coming from the century-old houses as darkness fell and the Chinese families still living there prepared dinner and did normal things, unaware there was a monster living among them. He pressed his bruised body against the weather-beaten wall at the back of the Star Theatre and saw someone move in front of the now glowing window of the house he had come to know so intimately. His body stiffened as he heard the familiar voice of the suspect calling out to his parents in Chinese and a chill gripped him as he realized he had reached for his weapon without even thinking. He started forward toward the house, uncertain of any plan, but was stopped by the buzzing of his cell phone and he felt annoyed by the interruption.

"Yeah," he said roughly as though roused from a deep sleep.

"Mr. Deeks, where are you?" Hetty asked.

"Why?" He asked, steeling himself for bad news.

"Because I need to know," she replied.

"So there's no change?" He felt his breath flutter in his throat as a small gasp escaped and the fear he had been holding down resurfaced and paralyzed every part of his body.

"No, Mr. Deeks. No change." He could hear the deep sadness in her voice and it dragged him down even lower to a depth of sorrow he didn't think was possible.

"But it's been three days, Hetty," he heard the desperation in his own voice and he knew he was close to total collapse.

"Come back, Marty, please," she said softly. "I need you here with me."

"Yeah, okay."

She had never called him by his first name before and he began to realize how hard this was for her and how selfish he had been in his own grief. He looked over at the shadows moving in front of the muted lamplight in the house he had been watching for most of the day and he knew he had to go. He had to leave the vengeance for another day, but he wouldn't forget about it, ever. He knew that no matter what the cost to his own future, he would make this man pay for what he had done and he would have no regrets.

As he walked up the main street toward his car, his eyes roamed over the old wooden buildings and dirty glass storefronts, some of which had been empty for decades. It was eerily silent except for an occasional laugh and the music coming from the jukebox in Al's Place, locally known as Al the Wops. It was the place where everyone eventually ended up and it was where he and Kensi had met Sam and Callen when they came to get the intel from their undercover operation. His heart quickened as he walked past the open door to the place, recalling how happy he had been those first few days, drinking beer with the locals and telling them about his photography assignment, introducing them to his pretty assistant and asking their advice about good locations for shooting pictures. He had danced with Kensi to the raucous music last Saturday night and had eaten with some locals, including the suspect, sampling the specialty of the house, steak with peanut butter and marmalade. Kensi had loved it, but he'd had to endure enthusiastic ragging from some of the men for not taking to putting jam on his meat, let alone peanut butter. He'd wondered since then if that had been the night Lee Chao had become suspicious. If he thought he had been even partially responsible for what had happened to Sam and Callen and especially Kensi, he would never be able to live with it.

His mind returned to thoughts of revenge and his despondency deepened as he got in the car, his bruised ribs protesting as he sat down and stared out the window. He rested his forehead briefly on the backs of his hands as they gripped the steering wheel, exhaustion slowing the simple ability to move, but Hetty's voice reverberated in his mind and he forced himself to respond. As he drove out of town, he couldn't help but look in the rearview mirror and wish he'd never come near this place or heard of the man named Lee Chao and a sudden flush of hate surged through him. He gasped at the violence of it and he tried to get control over emotions so raw they threatened to blot out everything else in his mind. He reminded himself that Hetty needed him and it was the only thing that kept him on the road, heading back to Sacramento and the bedside vigils that lay ahead.

The river road was narrow and snaked darkly out ahead of him as the rain began again and caused his thoughts to turn to Kensi. It had been raining the day they'd staked out the rendezvous point for the weapons sale and she had been teasing him about looking like a drowned rat. He'd started to retort with one of his witty comments, but it had been cut off by Callen yelling in their comms that something wasn't right and that he needed them to split up to cover possible escape routes. The next time he saw her she was lying crumpled on the ground, covered by debris and he was screaming her name and pleading with her to wake up and say something as he pulled her into his arms and held her torn and bleeding body tightly against his chest.

His eyes misted as he drove beside the murky river trying to shake that image from his mind. If she didn't survive, he wanted to remember her as the strong, beautiful and vibrant woman he loved more than life itself; a woman who had brought him contentment and joy and who lit up his soul just by smiling. His mind became filled with a vision of her sleeping, spread out across the bed in wild abandon, her dark sensuous hair framing her serene face, her breathing disturbed only by an occasional snore that he always enjoyed teasing her about. He struggled to get a hold on his emotions as his memories of their life together ran like a movie through his head. He didn't know what he would do if she died. They had talked about the possibility that one or the other might be killed, so they weren't naive, but now that it was she who lay close to death, he couldn't imagine his life without her and his whole being raged against that possibility. He realized he had always thought of her as indestructible, his Wonder Woman, but on that horrific day his faith in everything had almost been destroyed, and the happiness he had finally found was shattered by a madman with a fondness for RPGs and blowing people up. Now her life was out of his hands and the only thing he knew for certain was that Lee Chao would regret ever having brought her to the brink of death.

...

When he walked into the UCD Med Center his nerves were fired with fear. He was afraid of what the doctors would tell him when he reached the ICU, afraid that he would find out that the world as he had known it for the last two years was gone, replaced by an emptiness he wouldn't know what to do with. He walked hesitantly through the busy halls with his head down and his hands stuffed in his pockets, his breathing growing ragged the closer he got to the intensive care unit. He stopped just outside the doors and would have turned around if he hadn't caught a glimpse of Hetty sitting calmly outside Callen's room. He watched her as she wiped tears from her eyes and he became agitated and his fear deepened and he steeled himself, pushing through the doors and walking quickly to her side.

"What happened, Hetty?" he asked, his voice raw and full of unshed tears. "I saw you crying."

"Mr. Callen woke up, Mr. Deeks," she said.

He felt himself begin to shake, but managed to brace himself against the nearest wall, sucking in air in great gasps as his heart pounded in his chest. He leaned his head against the wall and then felt Hetty's hand on his back and it calmed him.

"Come and sit down Mr. Deeks," she said softly, taking his arm and leading him to the small waiting area.

"Did he say anything, Hetty?" he asked. "What did the doctors say? Will he be all right?" The words rushed out of his mouth and there was nothing he could do to stop them. He clung to the first small glimmer of hope he'd had in three days and it made him weak, whatever strength he still possessed leaving his body and causing him to collapse against the back of the chair, struggling to control his raging emotions.

"Take your time, Marty," Hetty said patting his knee and watching him closely.

"Did he know you Hetty?" Deeks asked quietly, remembering that haunted and confused look in Callen's eyes when he'd pulled him free from the remnants of what was left of Sam's car. Callen had fought him, not knowing who he was, until finally passing out in his arms from blood loss and pain.

"They still have him intubated, so he couldn't speak, but he squeezed my hand and his eyes were clear," Hetty said. "The doctors are optimistic. Some of the swelling has gone down from the skull fracture and he has movement in his hands and feet."

"How's Sam?" he asked as he stared at the ceiling, afraid of what he would see if he looked at her.

"They took him back into surgery about an hour ago after his blood pressure dropped," Hetty answered and she took his hand. "They fear internal bleeding. We'll know more later tonight."

It had taken the tactical squad a long time to find Sam. The explosion had thrown him behind some equipment that had been damaged in the blast. He had joined briefly in the search, but when Kensi didn't respond to his repeated status calls, he had run to where he had last seen her, yelling her name.

"And Kensi?" he asked, his voice barely above a whisper.

"No change, Marty," she answered and took his hand as the tears he had fought for so long fell unchecked.

...


	2. Chapter 2

**Judgement: Chapter 2**

...

His emotions were raw as horrifying images he couldn't escape flashed in his mind. When he finally got control of himself, he squeezed her hand and looked into her solemn eyes. She was being strong for him, giving him an anchor to hold on to as their world flew apart. He had been drowning in his own sea of pain and hadn't left room for anyone else's. It made him feel guilty for leaving her all alone to face the enormity of what had happened and to deal with the aftermath.

"I'm sorry, Hetty," he said.

"For what, Mr. Deeks?" she asked quizzically.

"For not being here for you," he replied and looked studiously down at the floor. "I know how much you care for all of them, especially Callen, and I should have stayed instead of running away."

"Is that what you were doing, Marty?" She asked softly. "Running?"

"Yes. That first night, I was scared out of my mind, Hetty. Scared that they were all going to die," he replied. "I wanted to stay, to see if they were okay, but I knew they weren't and might never be, and I couldn't deal with that, not right then. I was just so angry that I couldn't control myself, and I let the anger take over."

He took a deep breath and she saw the terror in his eyes as he looked quickly at her.

"You were in shock," she said.

"Kensi and I had conversations about the possibility that one of us might be killed in the line of duty, and we both had come to terms with that," he said, beginning to shake his head. "But, when Sam and Callen went down, too, I wasn't prepared."

"You mean prepared to lose them." Hetty understood and she reached her hand out and rested it gently on his shoulder.

"I've admired them from the very first day, and I've fought hard for their approval, but..." he stopped as a flood of emotion almost overwhelmed him. "But, I don't think I realized how much I cared about them until I saw them in the middle of that explosion. When I saw that missile hit Sam's car I couldn't breathe, Hetty. They are the strongest men I know and I couldn't believe they could be gone, just like that, out of my life in an instant...I don't want to lose them, Hetty, and I know you don't either. We can't lose all of them..."

His hands shook as he pushed the hair away from his face and stroked his jaw with a deep sigh, trying to control his emotions without much success.

"They're tough men," Hetty said and felt her voice catch in her throat. "And Kensi's one of the strongest women I know. We have to believe they will make it...all of them, Mr. Deeks."

"I want to, Hetty, I really do," he whispered. "I don't have anyone else."

"You have me, Marty," she said.

"I know," he replied.

...

Hetty watched Deeks closely as he stared into space. She had managed to get him to eat something, but he refused to go to the hotel to sleep in hopes the doctor would let him see Kensi. She knew he hadn't slept much, if any, since the failed op and she wondered if he had bothered to eat as well. He looked awful, his exhaustion plain to see on his face and in the listlessness of his body. She knew what injuries he'd suffered, but he was adamant that he was fine. He'd refused to be admitted that first night, after a brief stint in the ER and the doctor who treated him there was quite pissed about it. Although she hadn't been there when the team was brought in, the ER doctor had made it a point to talk with her when she arrived after he discovered she was listed as his next of kin. He made it clear that Deeks should spend at least the night under observation for the mild concussion he sustained, but the doctor was most concerned about his state of mind.

Deeks had been extremely agitated when he was brought in with Kensi, aggressively trying to get to the other members of the team. When security had been called in to stop him, he had fought them, finally hyperventilating to the point of passing out, albeit briefly. The doctor told her he had never seen such all-consuming anger in a patient and had wanted to sedate him and then put him through a psych evaluation. Hetty had quickly made the unsuspecting doctor aware of who she was and what had happened, letting him know in no uncertain terms that she would see to Mr. Deeks' mental health. Security had restrained him and had held him in a locked room, and it had taken all of her powers of persuasion and a couple of well-placed threats to the hospital administrator to keep them from having him arrested.

"Hetty." She was startled from her memories by the officious voice of Owen Granger, the Assistant Director.

"Owen," she replied slowly, noting how quickly Deeks had risen and walked out of the room.

"Agent Deeks, I need to talk to you," he called loudly after him.

"Leave him be, Owen," Hetty said. "It's been a long few days."

"Where the hell's he been, Hetty?" Granger didn't bother to keep his annoyance from showing.

"I believe he's been watching our suspect," she replied.

"Did you tell him to do that?" Granger asked.

"I didn't have to, Owen," she said. "I'm just surprised he hasn't killed him yet."

"Well, I need to get him under control and find out what he did to get us in this mess," Granger said.

"What he did?" Hetty looked appalled at the implication. "Owen, are you accusing Mr. Deeks of compromising this operation or worse that he was working with Lee Chao?"

"He's the only one still standing and he's the only one who had contact with Lee Chao before the meet," he replied. "It seems pretty obvious he's involved somehow. And frankly, Hetty, you don't know where he's been or what he's been doing for the last three days."

"I know he's devastated by what's happened to the others," Hetty didn't hide her growing anger. "He watched them all go down, Owen. After the first explosion, he was knocked down by the SUV of one of the escaping buyers as he ran to pull Callen away from that burning car. According to our tactical squad leader, he was frantically trying to find Sam before rushing off to discover that his partner had been caught in the second missile attack that killed three members of the tactical squad."

"And he still hasn't given us a good reason why all that happened, Hetty," Granger said.

"You think I helped Lee Chao try to kill Kensi, Callen and Sam?" Deeks asked as he walked up behind Granger, a look of dark rage on his face. He grabbed Granger and slammed him up against the wall, his face contorted in raw anger.

"They're my friends, you prick. The only family I have." Deeks' voice was deep and rough as he shouted into Granger's face.

"I can have you arrested for assaulting a federal officer, Deeks," Granger said as he struggled to push Deeks away.

"Let him go, Mr. Deeks," Hetty said calmly, but loudly and Deeks stepped back, trembling with burning rage.

"I need to know what you've been doing for the last three days, Agent Deeks," Granger said, attempting to regain his composure.

"Trying not to kill Lee Chao," Deeks voice was suddenly drained of energy and he leaned heavily against the wall, his rage dissipated by exhaustion.

"We need to find the rest of those RPGs, Deeks," Granger said. "And Lee Chao is our only lead."

"Yeah, I know," he said. "But he deserves to die for what he did."

"Are you capable of cold blooded murder, Agent Deeks?" Granger said. "You act like a laid back surfer, but we both know you're not."

"You don't know anything about me, or what I'm capable of," Deeks said menacingly. "Aren't you the one who just accused me of being involved in the attack on my own team? Now you want to know if I can shoot a man down in cold blood. Make up your mind, Granger."

"Address me as sir, Deeks," Granger said gruffly. "You work for me and I can fire you for insubordination anytime I want to."

Deeks laughed out loud. There wasn't any joy in it, but he couldn't help himself.

"No one's firing you Mr. Deeks, especially not now," Hetty said, stepping between the two men, causing them to back off.

"Where were you while the rest of your team was getting blown up, Agent Deeks?" Granger asked quietly.

Deeks stared blankly at the Assistant Director, his eyes blinking slowly as they started to stream with tears. He pushed himself away from the wall and walked off, not speaking or looking back, just walking unsteadily down the long, cold hall, occasionally steadying himself against the pale walls. Granger and Hetty watched him go without another word, both exhausted by the confrontation.

"If he cares so much about them Hetty, why did he desert them while they're here fighting for their lives?" Granger asked.

"He's been here every night, Owen," she said sadly. "He's been in Locke watching Lee Chao every day and then he comes back here every night. I know because Mr. Beale has been tracking him, and because all the night nurses have been looking out for him."

"Sounds like you don't trust him either, Hetty," Granger said smugly.

"On the contrary, Owen. I'm tracking him because I care about him and I'm worried about him, not because I don't trust him." Hetty turned away from him then and walked away. "I need a cup of tea. See you in the morning, Assistant Director."

...

"Marcie, can you wake him?" Tami asked. "He'll want to know his friend's awake."

Marcie looked up from the chart she was filling out, her black hair bouncing around her face as she nodded solemnly. She smiled sadly as she checked the post-it note to see which vacant room he was resting in tonight, and then slowly rose to do what none of the other nurses were willing to do. She was the only one not afraid to wake up the scruffy, blond Federal agent, but she didn't blame her colleagues. He had slammed her friend Tami against a wall and pointed a gun in her face the first time she had gone into a dark room to wake him.

She stopped by the break room and poured a cup of coffee and headed down the hall to find him. When she reached the room, she pushed the door open, flipped on the lights and stood back. She never went near him, just softly called his name in a calm voice several times until he leaped up from the bed, confusion clouding his face, his hand reaching for his gun.

"Marty, it's me," Marcie said. Watching him closely, she saw him hesitate and then leave his weapon in place.

"Hi Marcie," he said with a small, embarrassed smile.

"I brought you some coffee," she said, finally entering the room.

"Thanks," he said as he rubbed sleep from his eyes. He took the offered cup and took a sip, watching as she went in the bathroom and ran a towel under hot water. She brought it out to him and took his coffee, holding it while he buried his face in the hot towel and moaned softly into it.

"You look like total shit," she said in the blunt way she had of speaking.

"Don't hold back, Marcie," he said as he drank deeply of the coffee she had brought.

"Well, you do," she replied. "You sleep maybe two hours a night and it's catching up with you. I could give you something to help you sleep, you know."

"No thanks," he said. "Why'd you wake me?"

"Your friend Callen is awake," she told him. She caught his arm as he stood up and started to rush out, forcing him to stop. "Finish your coffee, Marty. You need it so you can speak in complete sentences when you see him."

"That bad, huh?" he said.

"You stink, too," she said with a smile. "Come by the nurses station when you're done and I'll show you where you can shower."

"Why are you so nice to me if I stink?" he asked with a ghost of a smile.

"You're cute," she answered. "And it looks like you could use a friend."

"Don't pity me, Marcie," he said, scowling at her.

"I'm not, Marty," she said quickly. "It's mostly because your kinda sexy and I have a thing for surfers."

"Do you give sponge baths?" he asked softly.

"Don't push your luck, surfer boy," Marcie laughed.

"Have you seen her?" Deeks asked quietly.

"Yes." Marcie instantly sobered as she saw the sadness in his eyes.

"Any change?" His voice held no hope and he wouldn't look at her.

"No, Marty. She's still in a coma, but her vitals are good." Marcie rubbed his back gently as she spoke.

"Right. I better go see Callen before he falls asleep again," he said, rousing himself from his melancholy.

"He's breathing on his own now, so no tube," she told him as he walked from the room.

She sat down on the side of the bed and shook her head. She'd seen the tortured look in his eyes when he'd asked about Kensi Blye, and she knew he loved her deeply and it made tears start in her eyes and she wasn't a crier. There was just something about this man and woman that touched her, that touched all of them. So, she gathered the empty coffee cup and tossed the wet towel and went back to work, knowing that she would do all she could to ease some of his pain as long as he was here. She'd been a nurse for a long time and she knew there weren't always happy endings, but if anyone deserved one it was this man.

...


	3. Chapter 3

**Judgement: Chapter 3**

...

Deeks rushed to Callen's room when he'd been told he was awake, but as he reached it he hesitated, afraid to open the door, afraid to see him the way he was now, weak and terribly wounded and undoubtedly angry. He leaned his forehead against the pale wall, his hand resting lightly on the door, gathering whatever strength he still possessed in order to face the questions he was sure would be coming. He wondered if Callen would blame him as Granger did. His own questions still swirled around inside his head, and his uncertainty and feelings of guilt threatened his fragile self-control. He knew he had no choice but to deal with all of it, but if Callen laid the blame at his feet, he wasn't sure he would be able to handle that.

"Get it together, you pathetic son-of-a-bitch," he said viciously to himself.

Taking a deep breath, he stood up straight, then pushed the door open and walked silently into the dimly lit room. It was cool and filled with monitors that flashed with multi-colored numbers and beeped with a regular rhythm that marked the survival of the man he had always thought of as indestructible, a constant who had kept his own professional life grounded for the last two years. Callen had always been somewhat of an enigma to him. Most of the time he was cool and calculating, but in other circumstances his raw emotions would surface and he would act on pure instinct, sometimes going off on his own to solve personal mysteries that had always haunted him. The vast majority of the time he kept his emotions tightly controlled, except when Sam or Kensi and especially Hetty were threatened. Deeks had never been completely sure where he stood with Callen, but he knew Callen had accepted him as a member of his team and trusted him and that meant a lot to him and he strived to never disappoint him. How he felt about Callen personally was complex, but seeing him in that explosion had practically torn his heart out and he'd known then that his feelings for him went deeper than he'd realized.

His first steps toward the bed were tentative and apprehensive as he looked to see if Callen was still awake. Even if he wasn't, just seeing he was breathing on his own filled him with such relief that he gripped the railing on the bed, letting that comforting feeling settle over him. The bandage that covered the side of his head obscured most of his left eye and his shattered left arm was encased in plaster up to his shoulder. Deeks remembered how shredded and bloody it had been when he'd pulled him free from part of Sam's car. The blast had occurred just as he'd exited the car and had thrown him some distance before large pieces of debris landed on top of him. Deeks couldn't see the burns that covered part of his back, but he knew they were there as were the deep shrapnel wounds. He shivered briefly as he recalled the fear he'd felt that day when he saw the cruel wounds at the base of his spine and how relieved he'd been when Hetty had told him that Callen had shown movement in his hands and feet. Callen was a man with an untamed spirit, a person who was free of connections that held others captive and to see him paralyzed would have devastated them all, especially Hetty.

Deeks had seen how fearful she was when they had been allowed to see him after surgery. In all the time he had known her, he had never seen that kind of look on her face. A combination of fear and horror and deep anger made her tremble and he had taken her arm to make sure she didn't collapse and that had surprised him and pulled him out of his own misery. She had needed him to be strong for her then and he had been. It was only later, in the early morning of the following day, that he had succumbed to an oppressive anger that drove him from the hospital. All of their lives hung in the balance and he couldn't face it. He had been a coward when he should have stayed strong for Hetty and for the three other people he cared for so deeply. It was so much easier to run with the rage that filled him then to be a stalwart companion for Hetty and watch with her as the team fought an agonizing battle to survive.

Callen groaned softly as he adjusted himself on the bed and Deeks stepped closer to his side. Exhaustion was evident on his features and his skin tone was slightly grey as if he'd been out of the sun for weeks. As his movements became more agitated, Deeks was afraid he might hurt himself and gently laid his hand on his good arm, hoping to calm him, and his eyes opened at the touch.

"Who are you?" he asked weakly.

"Deeks," he answered sadly.

"I think I know that name," he said, becoming agitated as he tried to sit up.

"It's okay, Callen, just rest," he said as he put pressure on his arm in hopes of getting him to lie back down. He saw a flash of cold anger in his blue eyes and it made Deeks smile. Callen was never the type to let someone control his actions, but he finally stopped struggling and looked quizzically at him and Deeks knew he was trying to recover a memory from his jumbled mind.

"I should know you, shouldn't I?" Callen asked and his eyes became troubled and confused.

"It'll come to you, just don't try so hard," Deeks said quietly.

"Can't you give me a hint?" Callen asked and Deeks couldn't suppress a quick laugh.

"I'm the annoying one," Deeks said with a smile.

He saw a flash of partial recognition light his eyes, and then a hint of doubt as he struggled to connect random memories.

"You surf." Callen said firmly.

"Yeah and you won't let me in your car afterwards," Deeks reminded him. "I track in too much sand."

"Sam calls you Shaggy," he said and he smiled.

"Among other things," Deeks said and let out a deep sigh, thankful for one small bit of normalcy.

"What happened to me?" he asked as he looked down at his visible injuries.

"You were caught in an RPG explosion," he said, his voice low as he anticipated the next question. He could almost see Callen's mind begin to work and he tried to prepare himself. Callen briefly touched his head, his fingers tracing the stitches on his forehead and then along his jaw. When he looked back at Deeks, there was intense fear in his eyes.

"Where's Sam?" he asked anxiously and his breathing became ragged.

"He's down the hall," Deeks answered.

"Same explosion?" he asked as his eyes filled with angry tears that he struggled to contain.

"Yeah," Deeks tensed as he waited for the question he didn't know how to answer.

"Is he okay?" Callen asked, suddenly losing his battle with his emotions and roughly wiping the tears from his eyes.

""He's holding his own, G," Deeks said softly, trying to sound positive.

"Sam calls me that, but you never do," Callen said, his voice hard edged and menacing. "Tell me the truth, Deeks."

"He's alive, Callen," Deeks said firmly. "He had a second surgery to repair some internal bleeding around his kidneys, but he's doing better now."

He saw Callen relax slightly and he hoped he believed him, because telling him the full extent of Sam's injuries was not something he thought he should share with him right now. He needed time to recover from his own terrible wounds and the added burden of worry for his partner wouldn't help.

"You and Kensi are okay though." Callen said before Deeks could prepare himself and the anguish that appeared on his face was all Callen needed for an answer.

"Deeks?" Callen gripped his arm tightly as Deeks lost it.

The pain of reality hit him hard and he thought he was going to lose the small amount of food Hetty had forced him to eat only a few hours ago. His breathing became rapid as he gripped the railing on the bed and began to shake. Callen held his arm firmly, keeping him from collapsing as he bent over the bed.

"Deeks," Callen's voice softened and Deeks clung to the sound as he repeated his name several times.

"Is she alive, Deeks?" Callen finally asked.

"She's in a coma," Deeks whispered as he struggled for control. "There was a second missile attack that caught her and part of the tact squad. They were all killed, except for Kensi."

"I'm sorry, Deeks." Callen said. "I wish I could remember what happened, but I can't even remember the op. Tell me. Talking about it will help you and me both."

Deeks stood up then and began to pace the room as the memories from that awful day ran through his mind.

"We got intel that a Chinese-American arms dealer, Lee Chao, was selling stolen RPGs to terrorists," Deeks began. "Before we could locate him in LA, he left town. Eric managed to track him down to his parents' house in Locke, a tiny little town on the Sacramento River that was started by Chinese immigrants in the early 1900's."

"For some reason I remember that," Callen said quietly.

"You sent me and Kensi undercover as a photographer and his assistant on assignment in Locke," Deeks' voice became steady as he went over the details and Callen began to nod at the different parts he remembered. "We put him under surveillance and managed to discover when and where he was meeting with buyers, but somewhere along the line he figured out the meet was compromised and when we tried to take them into custody, we were attacked."

"How did he find out we were on to him?" Callen asked sharply.

"I honestly have no idea, Callen," Deeks said dejectedly, dropping his head to his chest.

In the brief silence that followed, Granger walked in, a penetrating look of distrust filling his eyes as he stared at Deeks.

"Don't believe everything he tells you, Agent Callen," Granger growled. "His story doesn't exactly line up with the facts just yet."

"What the hell is that suppose to mean?" Deeks hands formed into fists as he took a step toward the Assistant Director.

"It means you're still standing and I want to know why?" Granger said brusquely.

Deeks moved quickly toward him, dark rage coloring his face.

"Deeks, don't," Callen said loudly.

"What's your plan this time Agent Deeks?" Granger said snidely as he stood his ground.

The door to the room swung open as Marcie, the night nurse, entered. Seeing what looked like a volatile confrontation, she walked purposefully between the two men and looked at Callen.

"You're only suppose to have one visitor at a time, Mr. Callen," she said as she picked up his chart, "and it looks like you're having a party in here. So, which one gets to stay?"

"Deeks can stay," Callen said as he glared at Granger.

"Okay," Marcie said as she turned and pointed at Granger. "That means you're leaving."

"You don't want to force me out, Nurse Marcie," he said, noting her name badge. "I could have your job if I wanted to."

"I really don't think you'd be very good at it," Marcie answered with a smile as she motioned him toward the door.

"Callen, we have things to talk about," Granger said changing tactics.

"Not right now, you don't," Marcie answered for him. "He needs his rest and you don't seem like a real easygoing kind of guy. Now go, before I call security."

"The head nurse is going to hear about this," Granger said as he turned to leave.

"She just did," Marcie answered as she guided him toward the door and finally out of the room. She watched until he was out of sight and then turned and winked at Deeks and Callen and walked out and closed the door behind her.

"I like her," Callen said as he looked up at Deeks and noticed the tremor in his hands as he ran them through his hair.

"He's an asshole, Deeks," Callen said.

"He thinks I had something to do with what happened to all of you," Deeks' voice was low and listless.

"Deeks, I may not remember all the details," Callen said. "But I do know I would trust you over Granger any day."

"Thanks, Callen," Deeks said and stole a glance at the senior agent.

"You still working the case?" Callen asked.

"Yeah. I've been watching Lee Chao," Deeks answered. "He hasn't made contact with the buyers again."

"I know it's going to be hard on you Deeks, but you've done this on your own before," Callen said. "You can do this."

"Callen." Deeks said. "I want to kill him and I've spent the last three days trying not to. I know we need to find those RPGs, but I'm so angry, I'm afraid I won't be able to control myself."

"How bad is Kensi?" Callen asked softly and watched Deeks stiffen at the mention of her name.

"I don't think she's going to make it, Callen," he replied. "And I don't know what I'll do if I lose her."

"She's strong, Deeks, and so are you," Callen said, his voice raw with sudden emotion as he realized how much Deeks was dealing with and how close they both were to losing someone they loved.

"You didn't see what he did to her, Callen," Deeks said roughly and Callen saw the rage simmering just below the surface.

"Find the RPGs, Deeks," Callen said, using the voice of command Deeks was very familiar with.

"Understood," Deeks said.

"Then kill the bastard," Callen said and closed his eyes.

...


	4. Chapter 4

**Judgement: Chapter 4**

...

Deeks left Callen's room as soon as he saw how tired he was from their conversation and the confrontation with Granger. He wandered slowly down the corridor rethinking what Callen had said and breathing a little easier about his chance for a full recovery. Callen's declaration of trust in him and his last instructions about what to do had bolstered his spirit and he felt lighter somehow. He had always trusted Callen's instincts about suspects and cases, never doubting his line of reasoning when it came to what was important in an investigation. That Callen now trusted his instincts invigorated him and his comments had mirrored his own about Lee Chao. He became lost in thought and hadn't realized where he was until he was startled by the opening of a door and the appearance of a doctor.

"Hello, Mr. Deeks," the doctor said.

Deeks stared at him and then at the door to the room he was now standing in front of and he felt his heart begin to race. He started to back away, not wanting to deal with the pain and afraid of what he might hear from the man staring intently at him.

"How is she, Dr. Payton?" He managed to ask. He felt the air leave his lungs as he waited for the answer, his hands tingling with anticipation and fear.

"She's still comatose, but stable," he answered. "We're keeping her on the ventilator for now. I should have the latest CAT scan in the morning, so I'll be able to tell you more then. The good news is that on the Glasgow Coma Scale, she registered close to 15."

"What does that mean?" Deeks asked, confused by the terminology.

"The GCS measures the extent of brain injury," the doctor said kindly, resting his hand on Deeks' shoulder, causing him to flinch. "Miss Blye registered at the top of the scale, which means she has only a mild brain injury or quite possibly no brain injury at all."

"You mean she's going to live?" Deeks stood rigidly at the news, afraid to hope.

"Mr. Deeks, she suffered severe injuries in that explosion," Dr. Payton said softly, gripping Deeks shoulder tightly as he saw his body sag. "But if she does recover from her other injuries, she probably won't suffer from brain damage. I wish I could tell you she'll recover, but it's too early for that, I'm sorry."

Deeks didn't have the strength to speak, so he just nodded mutely to the man and leaned his back against the wall and closed his eyes. Just for a moment he hated the doctor, a part of him wanting to beat him senseless, knowing it would give him the release he needed and scaring him as he felt his control slipping ominously away and he fought against that happening

"Go in and sit with her for a while. Talk to her. It sometimes helps," the doctor said, opening the door and gently guiding Deeks inside.

Deeks didn't notice the door close. He stood frozen to a spot at the end of the bed, staring at the person who just last week had made his day by dancing with him in the dark confines of the rowdy bar in Al the Wops. Now he didn't even recognize her. Her head was swathed in bandages, her beautiful dark hair gone. Her eyes were still black and blue, while her body was covered in blankets, obscuring the wounds she suffered, but that flashed through his memory unbidden, shaking him to the core. He felt a deep rage building within him, but he held it back as he sat down in the chair next to her. He reached under the blanket and searched until his hand found hers, her slender fingers warm to the touch. He squeezed them gently, but got no response and his heart sank, exhaustion dragging at him as he let his head drop into his free hand. He rubbed the stubble on his cheeks and chin as he tried to recall the good things the doctor had told him, but it didn't help and he choked back any tears that threatened to escape.

"Remember our dance, Kens?" he said softly, his voice breaking as he spoke. "You had every guy in the place wide-eyed. They couldn't take their eyes off you. They're probably still talking about that dress you were wearing. I know it's never far from my mind, but you never are, whether you're wearing something or not."

He talked for as long as he was able about the things they'd done together last week and last month and last year. He couldn't imagine ever doing the same things again if she didn't make it. He didn't want to think about life without her and he let go of her hand and slumped in the chair as memories of their times together tormented him. Any energy he'd gained from his visit with Callen slowly drained from his body as he gave in to despair. Pure rage had kept him going for the last few days, but now, as he sat staring at her, he could find nothing to fill his exhausted mind with hope. If he had no hope then he knew that his rage would win, because there was nothing to live for if he lost her. He had lived alone a long time and when he'd found Kensi he'd realized what life could be. With her, he had experienced a happiness he'd never known before or thought possible for a man like him. If he couldn't have her, he would have revenge and what would happen to him after that, he didn't really know or care.

...

Marcie found him asleep in the chair next to Kensi's bed a couple of hours before daylight. She backed silently out the room and returned with a fresh cup of coffee, calling out his name softly as she sought to wake him. When she saw him move and finally stand unsteadily to his feet, she came in and handed him the cup, which he took but didn't drink from, his gaze alternating between Kensi and Marcie. She took a step back as she recognized the dark angry look on his face. He said nothing to her, he just turned back to stare at Kensi until his hand began to shake. Then he whirled and threw the cup against the wall and stalked out of the room, leaving Marcie shaken by the violence she saw in his eyes. She took a deep breath and followed him out, stopping briefly to ask one of the other nurses to check on Kensi Blye, before heading for the cafeteria in search of the one person who might be able to help him.

Marcie scanned the tables, looking for the small woman among the scattering of doctors and nurses on break. She hated coming here, there was a sadness about it that made her feel hollow, especially at night when the fluorescent lights seemed even more irritating than in the daytime. She hated the smell of the greasy food and the sudden bursts of laughter that always jarred her. She knew it was because she worked in the ICU, which was usually silent and dark during the night shift.

Marcie had promised the tough woman she would look out for her agents, especially Deeks, and she had come to admire her over the past few days. Hetty was a no nonsense woman use to being in charge, but one who knew people and how to get what she wanted and if that meant being sweet and kind she would be, but if they acted like jackasses, then she seemed to be able to take them down a peg without any qualms. She'd seen her do it to that obnoxious emergency room resident who had tracked her down in the ICU, demanding that Deeks be run through a psych eval.

Hetty had listened to the doctor's rant and "ripped him a new one," as she had told someone over her cell phone afterward. Then Marcie had watched her calmly talk Deeks down after she got him released from security. She sensed the connection between the two, and they had buoyed each other during that first harrowing night. Deeks had become completely silent when Kensi Blye was brought to her room after surgery, and Hetty had held his hands tightly when he finally broke down and she'd watched the reverse when Callen was brought to his room. Hetty's pain was the silent kind, almost no tears and no cries of anguish, just an array of strong emotions that played out across her face and hands, which were firmly held in Deeks' own hands as he watched her closely, talking to her with a kindness that won Marcie's heart.

"Are you looking for me, Marcie?" Hetty asked as she walked up behind the ICU nurse.

"You just scared the crap out of me, Miss Lange," Marcie said as she caught her breath.

"Please, dear, call me Hetty," she said with a slight smile. "All the people I care about do."

"Thanks, Hetty," Marcie said.

"How's he doing?" she asked and Marcie could see the depth of her concern.

"He's angry and violent," she said. "I found him in Miss Blye's room and brought him coffee, which he promptly threw against the wall. He was so full of anger it really scared me and I don't scare easily."

"Mr. Deeks is angry because he has no control over what is happening," Hetty said as she found a table and sat down. "He has no real family, Marcie, except the people on this team, and the fear of losing all of them has shocked him deeply. And, the kind of love he has for Miss Blye was something he never expected to happen to him and to have to watch her suffer is tearing him apart. I'm afraid what losing her will do to him."

"I'd be more afraid for the person he's directing his anger at," Marcie said.

"But that man deserves his rage and its consequences," Hetty said with a dark look in her eyes that made Marcie recoil.

"So you are just going to let him storm out of here and take out the person who did this?" Marcie asked sharply.

"It's what we do, my dear," Hetty said. "We're the ones who protect all of you from the people who do this kind of thing. It's our job."

"Vengeance is your job?" Marcie questioned.

"Sometimes it's up to us to pass judgement on those who would wreak havoc on mankind," Hetty said. "If we can bring them to justice, we do, but if that's not possible, we will take their lives as payment for the horrors they have committed."

Marcie was stunned at her coldness of her words. This small woman scared the shit out of her, and she quickly rose from her chair and stood shivering as she searched for something to say in response, but nothing came to mind, so she turned and walked away.

Hetty watched her go, knowing she'd said too much, but not sorry that she had spoken the truth. She had needed to speak those words for herself, because she needed to remind herself of what was at stake. Marcie was a caregiver and a kind one. There was no way she would ever understand what they did or why. But, she didn't need her to understand, she just needed her to take care of her people while they were here. As for Deeks, she wasn't sure she wanted to stop him from passing judgement on the man behind all the pain and suffering her team was going through. She thought she could probably talk him out of killing the man, but she doubted it, especially if Kensi died. If that happened, there would be no stopping him and she felt a deep sadness, because she knew when it was all over, he would never be the same again and that would almost be as much of a loss as Kensi's death. She pushed the dark thoughts away as she saw Granger walking toward her and tried not to let her distaste show on her face.

"What can I do for you, Owen," she said quietly as he stood over her.

"Hetty, I'm taking over the investigation," Granger said. "Your team has been devastated and your remaining agent has practically gone rogue. He has refused to report to me, so I have no choice but to take him into custody until my investigation is complete."

"Have you gone completely mad, Owen?" Hetty said angrily. "Deeks is the only person who knows Lee Chao's habits and what his contacts look like."

"That's not entirely true, Hetty," he replied, looking smug. "I have other sources on the case as I have had almost from the beginning."

"What are you talking about?" Hetty was stunned by his comments.

"As I've told you all before, our organization is just one piece of a complex whole," he said. "I had an arrangement in place with the FBI to put a man undercover on this operation just in case Agent Deeks wasn't as competent as you all believe. As it turns out I was right."

"No, Owen, you most certainly are wrong." Hetty was so angry she could hardly contain herself. "You not only undermined my authority by going behind my back and running a separate op. You quite possibly caused this operation to be compromised and almost got three of my agents killed. Now, you want to arrest Mr. Deeks, your own agent in favor of an FBI undercover operative none of us even know? You are out of line, and I won't let you do it."

"I'm afraid you're too late, Henrietta," Granger said. "I have Director Vance's approval to take over and he gave me carte blanche to do as I see fit, including taking Agent Deeks into custody. He's not fit to run this op now and you know it."

"I will make you pay for this, Owen," Hetty said quietly as Granger turned and walked away.

...


	5. Chapter 5

**Judgement: Chapter 5**

...

The gray light seeped out from beneath the scudding dark clouds on the horizon, barely lighting the almost empty asphalt parking lot. There were a scattering of cars and trucks surrounding the roach coach parked there, a line of men shuffling in the damp air as they waited to get their early morning coffee and breakfast. The only sounds were the brief murmurings between a few of the construction workers who knew each other and the occasional early commuter passing by on the lonely stretch of road that passed through the bleak industrial area south of town.

Deeks was leaning up against the windshield of his rental car drinking a second cup of tolerable coffee when he felt the vibration of his cell phone. He almost didn't answer, but finally yielded to his curiosity and took a look at the caller ID.

"Yeah."

"Mr. Deeks, listen carefully," Hetty said quickly and quietly. "Granger has taken over and he is looking for you. He wants to take you into custody."

"But Hetty," he said, interrupting. "I'm the only one who knows Lee Chao's habits and what his contacts look like."

"Granger has an FBI operative in place," she told him. "He's been shadowing you almost from the beginning."

"I think I know who it is," Deeks said.

"Mr. Deeks, you need to go dark," Hetty said intensely. "I will text you a couple of numbers where you can reach me if you need to and where you can contact Eric. Let him know the number of your new phone and only use text messaging from now on until we get Lee Chao."

"I thought Granger was in charge now, Hetty." Deeks said as he began to check out the men around him.

"That's what he thinks," Hetty replied and he could hear the anger in her voice. "I'm being watched and soon my phone will probably be monitored, but you still work for me Mr. Deeks and we will make Lee Chao pay for what he's done."

"Hetty, could you and Eric lose your jobs by helping me?" Deeks asked.

"No need to worry, Mr. Deeks. I know how to take care of myself," Hetty said, "and Eric volunteered and you will need him at some point. Just look after yourself."

"I don't care what Granger does to me after this, Hetty," Deeks said. "But Lee Chao is mine."

"Granger's more interested in the RPGs," Hetty said, "And scoring points for himself."

"I'll help his FBI guy find them," Deeks said. "And while they go for the RPGs, I'll go after Lee Chao."

"Don't let Granger catch you, Mr. Deeks," Hetty said softly.

"The next time he sees me, if he sees me, he won't recognize me," Deeks said, clinching his jaw as he felt the impact of the man's betrayal. He was on his own, but he was used to that. He knew how to immerse himself in an alias, only this time he would be working two of them.

"Mr. Deeks, I spoke with Marcie and I know you had a rough night," Hetty said. "But now you need to focus and get control of your anger or we'll all lose."

"Understood, Hetty," Deeks said somberly. "We've lost too much already."

"Don't lose hope, Mr. Deeks," Hetty said kindly. "Your team is fighting for their lives and I would never bet against them and you shouldn't either."

"I'll try to remember that, Hetty," he replied and ended the connection. A text message almost immediately appeared, listing two phone numbers that he quickly memorized and then deleted. He quickly texted Eric, asking him to wipe his phone almost clean. The answer was immediate and he smiled for the first time in days. It felt good to have the tech on his side, making him feel he wasn't completely alone. He didn't want Granger to know he was off the grid; he just wanted the phone clear of anything that could jeopardize what he was about to do or that would compromise Hetty or Eric.

He took a deep breath and climbed down from the hood of the car. He removed his go-bag from the trunk and walked over to one of the construction guys and asked for a ride. It wasn't long before Deeks' smile, cheerful conversation and a free coffee, smoothed over any suspicions the man might have had about the blond stranger and he didn't look back as they drove away from the abandoned rental car. He said his thanks in front of a Walmart store, slipping his phone down the side of the passenger seat as he got out of the truck. If Granger was tracking his cell phone, they would find it somewhere east of Sloughhouse at a construction site. He hoped the carpenter wasn't too put out by the trouble his kindness had caused.

Within a half hour, Deeks had several burn phones, a cowboy hat, a pale blue western-style shirt and boots. He would have to beat the clothes up a bit to make them look used, but that part was easy. As he waited for his cab to arrive, he texted Eric, asking if he could help him buy a cheap used pick-up truck on credit and then make the sale disappear. The return text made him laugh.

_"Are there cows in Texas?"_ Eric messaged.

_"Lots of shit here, too,"_ Deeks texted back.

_"Got your back,"_ Eric messaged.

_"Good to know, buddy"_ Deeks replied.

He drove off the small used car lot in a gray pick-up that had definitely seen better days, but one that no one would notice, especially where he was going. He took Highway 99 south and checked into a run down motel just outside of Galt, a small valley town not too far from Locke, where he used the washer and dryer several times until his new clothes didn't look so new anymore. After stomping on the shirt until there were a few worn spots, he threw it in the corner of his room, before walking out behind the motel where he scuffed up the new boots and picked up a handful of dirt to massage into his new hat.

When he was finished, he stripped and got in the shower, letting the hot water cascade down his exhausted body. He'd hardly slept last night and he knew he needed rest in order to be sharp for what was coming. He carefully examined his body, noting the bruises were now various shades of purple and he grimaced as his hand brushed the soap over his cracked ribs. His right shoulder was covered with a nasty looking contusion where he'd hit the asphalt after the SUV knocked him down and the stitches on his forehead, just below his hairline were tender to the touch and probably coloring as well. He couldn't remember if he'd put the pain pills in his go-bag or not, cursing himself silently with how sloppy he had become. But all of his cuts and bruises were nothing compared to what the others had suffered and he chided himself for even regarding them. They certainly wouldn't prevent him from doing what he had to do.

"Get it together, shit-head," he berated himself. "You're it."

At that, he started to shake. He was the only one left. No backup to count on in the field, no one to joke with to distract him from the pain, no one. Just him. Once that had been normal for him, but after two years with the team he had become used to having someone covering his back and he wondered if those two years had taken his edge away and made him soft.

His mind drifted back to the team and lingered on the way they had looked just after the attack and he felt his rage begin to build again. He knew he would need that powerful rage just to keep going. When his mind strayed to Kensi, he thought back over their partnership and his mind's eye settled on an image of her just after her final fight with Peter Clairmont, the man who'd killed her father. She'd looked so strong and confident, even though she was injured, and it made him smile. She was amazing. She had taken down a professional assassin by pure will and determination and she had been going it alone the whole time. She had been searching for her father's killer without any help from him or anyone else and when she'd found him, she had fought him and taken him out.

"Suck it up, Deeks," he said out loud. "If Kens can do that, you can do this."

He began to steel himself for what was ahead, planning what he needed to do and forming a new alias in his mind, one Granger wouldn't know. He spit out the bile that rose in his throat as he thought about the man, knowing he had to stay one step ahead of him and reminding himself not to underestimate him. His mind was swirling with so much information and so many plans he had failed to notice the water had started to run cold until he shivered, prompting him to turn off the shower and shake the water from his hair.

After drying himself he put on his new clothes, standing in front of the mirror as he unbuttoned the shirt a little less than half way down and leaving it untucked. He slicked back his hair and tucked it behind his ears, adjusting the cowboy hat low over his eyes, obscuring his features. He hadn't shaved in over a week and his mustache and beard were almost full. He practiced a slouching walk in front of the full-length mirror on the closet door and set his mind on who his new alias was.

"Joshua Pike," he said, trying out a name that just popped into his head. "Hey, buddy, welcome to my world."

He removed his hat and rearranged his hair slightly, covering up the stitches on his forehead. Then he grabbed the camera from his go-bag and set it up on the dresser and set the timer. He took several pictures of Josh Pike and quickly sent them to Eric with a request for a driver's license in that name that could be overnighted to him at the motel. Eric replied within minutes, letting him know it was no problem.

_"Need more backstopping?"_ Eric texted.

_"Don't get into trouble on my account,"_ Deeks replied.

_"Have home computer, no prob,"_ Eric messaged back.

_"I owe you, dude,"_ Deeks texted.

_"Not if you get Chao,"_ Eric responded.

They were all in this together and it touched him to know such good people were backing him up. He just hoped it didn't cost any of them. If Granger found out, Eric could well be booted out of OSP and that would be a great loss for everyone.

_"Watch your back,"_ Deeks finally texted back.

It was well past one in the afternoon when he walked next door to the small cafe and ordered a burger and some fries. He could feel his body buzzing from lack of sleep and from the tension he always felt when he was preparing a new alias. He needed a reason for Josh Pike to be in Locke and it had to be something that wouldn't arouse suspicion or stand out in any way, which is difficult in a town as small as Locke. But before he could become Joshua Pike, he had to return tonight as the photographer, Jim Satterlee to see if he was right about who Granger's FBI undercover operative was. He had been wary of one guy during the time he and Kensi had been there and he remembered catching the guy watching him one too many times. He could be wrong, but his instincts told him he wasn't. He laughed suddenly, realizing Granger's guy really wasn't that good and catching the waitress by surprise, but she smiled and came over to him.

"You havin' a private joke, or can a girl get in on it?" the waitress asked. She was older than he was and had dark brown eyes in a rather plain face, but her smile was nice and she was friendly and easy to talk to. He had noticed she liked to talk, but the place was almost empty now, so she had gravitated toward him, looking for more conversation.

"Just having a laugh at someone else's expense," he answered.

"Those are the best kind," she said. "Hi, I'm Rita. Can I get you a piece of pie? They're homemade."

"Okay," he said with a slight crooked smile.

"Strawberry-Rhubarb is the best," she said, not waiting for him to respond. She brought it over and watched as he ate, telling him her life story without being asked. He zoned out as he listened and ate his pie, but something she was saying cut through the fog in his brain and he asked her to repeat it.

"You mean the part about my brother?" she quizzed and he nodded.

"He works for a company that buys farmland," she said. "He travels all around the west buying from farmers and ranchers who are about to be foreclosed on or just can't hack it anymore. That kinda work is hard and some of the kids around here that inherited their daddy's farm or ranch discover pretty quick that it wasn't what they had in mind to do for the rest of their lives."

Deeks listened to her for a few more minutes before asking for his check. He gave her one of his best smiles as he left, thanking her for the good conversation. What he was really thankful for was the back-story she had just provided for his new alias, Joshua Pike.

He spent the next couple of hours driving the county roads, checking out what was for sale and memorizing some of the names on the ranches and farms. By the time he got back to the motel, he was finally starting to feel comfortable with his new alias and he spent almost an hour making up Joshua Pike's family history, before exhaustion claimed him. He set the alarm to wake him in a few hours and climbed onto the bed, his mind clogged with details that slowly dissipated as his body succumbed to its need for rest.

...


	6. Chapter 6

**Judgement: Chapter 6**

...

Deeks had parked the pick-up about a quarter mile past Locke and walked back into town. He hadn't wanted anyone seeing his alias Jim Satterlee, the photographer, driving the same truck his new alias would be driving the next day. Keeping the two separate was going to be a challenge, but he didn't mind. It was keeping his mind occupied. The few hours of sleep he'd gotten had cleared his head and he had gone over possible scenarios on the drive over. Now he stood at the bottom of the wooden stairs that dropped down from the levee across from Al the Wops, his body hidden in the darkness and away from the weak lights that illuminated the deserted street. He had been there for almost an hour and had yet to see Lee Chao or the man he believed was an FBI undercover agent. He wasn't sure if Lee Chao had seen him the day of the botched weapon's sale, but he'd have to take his chances if he came in for dinner tonight.

He walked across the street and entered Al's, calmly placing his camera on the bar and acknowledging the bartender with a nod and a slight smile.

"Hey, Jimmy. Beer?" the bartender asked, quickly putting a bottle down in front of him. "Haven't seen you around. Thought you'd finished your assignment."

"Thought I had, too, but the client asked for night shots, so here I am again." Jimmy Satterlee saluted the bartender and took a long drink. The locals knew him as a good time guy who could put away a few beers and liked to sing along to the jukebox. He had taken photos of most of them, sending them copies via email, if they had email. They liked him and envied him for his beautiful assistant.

"Is Annie with you?" Frank, the bartender asked, his face hopeful.

"Naw, not this time," Jimmy answered and couldn't keep the sadness from his eyes. "This is just a two-day shoot."

"You miss her, I can tell." Frank said.

"Yeah, I do," he said and drained the beer. Thinking about Kensi doing a wild dance as Annie, the photographer's assistant, wasn't helping his mood, so he ordered a steak and fries and hoped Frank didn't want to talk about her anymore, because he wasn't sure he could handle that.

He ate his steak in peace as Frank moved down the bar to join a heated argument with a couple of locals about the best bait for catching sturgeon. If he hadn't turned to look over at the group he would have missed the FBI guy, who was walking out of the back room. His head was turned away from him as he talked with a couple walking out at the same time and they exited without noticing him at the bar. At least he hoped he wasn't noticed. He quickly paid his bill and after a brief wait, he followed.

Laughter echoed from down the street as the couple waved and shouted goodnight to the FBI guy. They were walking up to the levee, so he thought they probably had a boat docked at the marina. He was grateful to them for providing him with a name for the supposed agent and he slipped silently into a narrow alley as the agent, using the name Phil, walked down to the lower residential street. The alley connected and he was able to watch him enter a white house just half a block down from the yellow house Lee Chao's parents lived in. He lifted his camera and focused on the window, watching the silhouette of a lone figure move around inside. He saw no other people inside and decided to move closer. As he stepped out into the street he heard a sound behind him and turned just as he was hit from behind and knocked to the ground. He groaned as bright flashes pulsed in his head and he struggled to get up, but a kick in the back sent him sprawling and his camera skidding through the dirt toward the white house.

"Who the hell are you," a man growled from behind him and moved to kick him again, but Deeks grabbed his leg and flipped him off his feet. His anger sent adrenaline coursing through his body and he leaped on top of the man, landing several punches before he saw the gun in his hand. He fought for the gun and would have taken it if another man hadn't pulled him off and shoved him away. Phil, the FBI agent, stood between him and the man he had walked out of Al's with.

"Stop! Both of you, stop," Phil said. His voice was strong and carried authority, so both men stood staring at each other and gasping for air.

"He was tailing you, Phil," the man said, pointing at Deeks.

Deeks slowly staggered over to his camera and dropped to his knees, carefully examining it and trying to dust it off.

"I'm a professional photographer you asshole," Jimmy Satterlee's voice said softly. "My client wanted night shots."

"It's true Mark," Phil said. "He was shooting here all last week."

"If this camera is damaged, you're paying for it," Jimmy said as he got to his feet and stood swaying slightly. "You guys some kind of 007 secret agent men or something? Has Al Qaida suddenly taken up residence in this little podunk town on the river?"

He watched them closely as they looked at each other and he knew instantly that they were partners. He laughed, mostly to himself and would have walked away if Phil hadn't grabbed his arm and stopped him.

"Your head's bleeding," he said and pulled him toward the white house. "Come inside and let me take a look at it."

"And why would I do that?" Jimmy asked. "You a doctor as well as a secret agent? That's quite a combination, man."

"Because I am a secret agent and you're about to pass out," Phil said and steered him toward the house. He almost made it inside, but fell to his knees on the porch. When he came to, he was lying on a bed in a tiny room lit by a paper lantern hanging from the ceiling. Phil was in a chair under the window.

"Sorry about that," Phil said as he saw him wake. "Mark gets a little overprotective sometimes."

Deeks sat up on the side of the bed and waited until the room stopped spinning before he spoke.

"Secret agent, yeah?" he said as he ran his fingers over the lump on the side of his head.

"FBI to be exact," Phil replied. "I'm on an undercover assignment and Mark is my backup."

"Why are you telling me this?" Deeks asked with genuine surprise. "You're not going to have to kill me now, are you?"

"No," Phil laughed. "But you might want to tell me how you got those stitches on your forehead and the bruises on your ribs."

"Photography's a tough business," Deeks replied.

"Do you piss off a lot of people in your line of work?" Phil asked.

"Just the Assistant Director of my agency," Deeks answered.

"I've met your Assistant Director, and he's a jackass," Phil said quietly.

"How long have you known?" Deeks asked.

"Ever since I met him," Phil answered with a small grin, causing Deeks to laugh out loud.

"I didn't know you were the NCIS undercover until a couple of minutes ago," Phil said solemnly, "When I saw those stitches and felt your cracked ribs when I carried you in here. Mark was right though, wasn't he? You were tailing me."

"Yeah, I was," Deeks answered.

"You think I work for Lee Chao?" Phil questioned.

"I did last week until I found out this morning that an FBI undercover had been assigned, so I figured it was you," Deeks answered.

"What gave me away?" Phil asked as he got up from the chair.

"I remember you watching me a couple of times last week," Deeks said. "And I was with my partner, who is gorgeous, so I figured either you're gay or you were working for Lee Chao."

"If I was working for Lee Chao you'd be dead right now," Phil said. "As for being gay, you're not my type and you're not that attractive. Your partner, however, is another story."

"Yeah, she is," Deeks whispered and ran his hand through his hair and tried to control his emotions.

"How is she?" Phil asked as he handed Deeks a glass of water and a couple of aspirin.

"She's in a coma," he answered.

"And the other two?"

"One's awake, but his partner isn't doing so well." Deeks stood quickly and started to walk out of the bedroom. He had to brace himself against the doorframe as his head swam at the sudden movement.

"I think you have another concussion," Phil said as he came up beside him and helped him to a chair in the sparse living room.

"Did Granger tell you to take me into custody?" Deeks asked warily.

"No. He didn't tell me anything about you. Why does he want you in custody?" Phil asked.

"Guess he doesn't think I can still do the job, not that he ever did," Deeks said, closing his eyes.

"Well, you had me fooled," Phil told him. "But I bet your photos are shit."

Deeks smiled and opened his eyes at the comment. He liked this guy and it felt good to banter with someone again.

"Well, if you ever decide to jump agencies, I'll put in a good word for you at the FBI," Phil said.

"You mean cut my hair and wear gray suits and an ugly tie everyday?" Deeks laughed. "Not for me, buddy. I'd go back to LAPD before that."

"You were a cop?" Phil asked.

Deeks nodded and then his mind slid back to the first time he'd met the whole team in the boat-shed and he lost it. His hands shook and he struggled to his feet and stumbled out the door hoping the cool air would help him breathe. Phil came up behind him and held his shoulders as he leaned over the porch railing and vomited into the dirt. Phil helped him to the bench on the porch and watched him closely, not saying a word.

"I thought I'd lost them all," Deeks said.

"I lost a partner once, but to lose your whole team, man." Phil sat down next to him and sighed deeply.

"How did you hear about it?" Deeks asked as he leaned over and rested his head in his hands.

"Mark followed Lee Chao that day," Phil answered. "He watched the whole thing happen. He told me he was surprised anyone survived those RPG explosions."

"Your partner was there?" Deeks jerked his head around to stare at the agent, his eyes dark and wild.

"What are you thinking, man," Phil asked.

"He got made," Deeks said in a low voice, standing and backing away as his anger surged. "When he was following Lee Chao, your partner got made and my team paid for it."

Phil stood and took a step toward him and Deeks hit him hard across the jaw, knocking him to the ground. Phil struggled to his feet and Deeks hit him again and then collapsed against the wall of the house and sat down next to the groggy agent as he wiped the blood from his face.

"He would have told me," Phil said, spitting out blood.

"You should have asked." Deeks said.

The two undercover agents sat side by side on the floor of the porch, looking up at the moonlit wooden buildings across the street. They sat in silence for a long time, neither moving, their heads resting against the white wall of the small house, until Deeks finally eased himself up and leaned against one of the posts.

"Have you seen Lee Chao today or tonight?" Deeks asked.

"No. I haven't seen him since yesterday," Phil said softly.

"Has he ever seen you with Mark?" Deeks asked.

"No. We tag team the surveillance," Phil answered. "We just bumped into each other tonight by accident."

"By accident?" Deeks turned to stare at him. "Your partner wasn't supposed to be there tonight, was he?"

"No he wasn't," Phil said as he dropped his head to his chest. "Shit!"

"He's compromised, Phil. Send him home," Deeks told him. "Send him home before he gets you killed."

"Yeah, you're right." Phil got to his feet and walked back into the house. Deeks could hear him on the phone and could tell by his tone of voice that Mark wasn't taking the news very well. When he came back out on the porch he had two beers, handing one to Deeks before sitting back down on the porch bench.

"He can't believe he got made," Phil said and then hissed as he tried to take a sip of his beer. "You split my lip."

"Is he leaving?" Deeks asked as he held the cold bottle against the side of his head where Mark had pistol-whipped him.

"He wanted to come over here and talk about it, but I told him you were still here," Phil said. "He wanted to talk to you about what happened, but I told him I didn't think that was such a good idea."

Deeks stared at him without answering, his eyes dark with barely suppressed rage. He wasn't sure what he would do if he ever saw that particular FBI agent again.

"What's his real name?" Deeks asked.

"I can't tell you that," Phil said slowly.

"Can't or won't?" Deeks asked, and then downed the rest of his beer and threw the bottle as far as he could, hearing it shatter against something far down the street.

"He's pretty shaken up about it, you have to believe that," Phil said.

"Then why won't you tell me his real name?" Deeks anger was building as he turned back to face the agent.

"Would you do that to your partner?" Phil asked calmly.

"My partner is in ICU close to death, you son-of-a-bitch," Deeks raged as he grabbed his shirt and pushed him back hard against the wall.

"What's your real name?" Phil asked as he put his hands up in submission.

"What?" Deeks asked, blinking hard at the question.

"We're undercover agents and our own names are too personal to share with someone who wants to harm us," Phil said. "That's what you want to do, isn't it? You want to beat the shit out of Mark because you think he deserves it and because you think it will make you feel better about what happened. But deep down you know it won't. You probably want to do the same to Lee Chao and he does deserve it, because he's the one who almost killed your friends. Mark will never forgive himself for this so let it go, man, and let's find those RPGs and Lee Chao and make him pay for what he did."

Deeks backed away from him and then turned and started walking up the street. Phil caught up with him quickly and walked with him back to his truck. When Deeks got his keys out, Phil tried to take them from his hand.

"You've got a concussion. You shouldn't be driving," Phil said.

"You sound like someone I know," Deeks said wearily. "My motel is in Galt and that's a ways from here."

"I don't have any plans," Phil said.

Deeks tossed him the keys and walked around and got in the passenger seat and leaned his head back.

"What do you want me to call you?" Phil asked as he pulled out onto the river road. "How about dumb-ass?"

"It wouldn't be the first time, asshole," Deeks said. "Call me Josh. That's who I'll be tomorrow."

...


	7. Chapter 7

**Judgement: Chapter 7**

...

_The flames leaped out at him as he ran by, gasping out her name as he searched for her in the tangled mass of debris. The sound of his own voice reverberated in his head as images of bodies and pieces of bodies floated in the darkness of his mind. He felt his heart pounding and he couldn't breathe, couldn't see and couldn't believe it was her body he pulled into his arms. Her blood covered his hands and streaked his face as he held her tightly and shouted for help, hoping someone would come and make the bad dream end, but no one came and his mind went silent as he carried her, now whispering her name and then screaming it as loud as he could, yelling "Kensi" again and again and..._

"Wake up," Phil shouted as he shook the sleeping man thrashing on the bed.

"Kensi," Deeks yelled out into the darkened room as he sat bolt upright, the remnants of his dream still hovering in his mind.

Phil turned on the light to see Deeks flush with sweat, his eyes wild after the nightmare, both hands entangled in his hair as he sat rigid on the edge of the bed.

"Shit, man," Phil said. "You scared the hell out of me and probably woke the entire clientele of this seedy little motel."

"Sorry," Deeks stumbled to his feet and went into the bathroom, splashing his face with cold water and leaning heavily on the sink as he tried to banish the remainder of the dream from his mind.

"How often do you have those?" Phil asked.

"Every time I actually manage to fall asleep for more than a couple of hours," Deeks said, a tinge of embarrassment in his voice. "Sorry."

"Don't apologize, man," Phil said quietly, handing him a towel. "It sounded like you were in hell."

"I was," Deeks replied, "and still am, until Kensi wakes up."

Deeks ran the towel over his hair and walked to one of the chairs where he'd discarded his clothes the night before. Pulling on his jeans, he opened the door and stepped out into the bare light of dawn. There was a fresh wind blowing, one the locals called a Delta breeze, and he welcomed it as it ruffled his hair and cooled the sweat on his bare chest. His anxious breathing began to slow as the visions that woke him evaporated like fog in the early morning sun, leaving only the cold knowledge that the scenes his mind had recalled really weren't dreams at all.

Phil joined him and they stood side by side staring out at the passing eighteen-wheelers rushing past on Highway 99. Deeks could tell the FBI agent wanted to ask him questions and kept glancing over at him until he finally turned and met his eyes.

"What?" Deeks asked, his voice sharp but quiet.

"She's more than a partner, isn't she?" Phil said.

"That's none of your business." Deeks said, turning and going back inside to search for his phone.

He checked his messages and found two from Eric letting him know his new driver's license for "Joshua Pike" would be delivered by nine o'clock that morning and the other informing him that he and Nell had spent last night backstopping his new alias.

_"Granger wont be happy with u 2,"_ Deeks texted. _"But u made my day."_

_"Nell on board if you need research,"_ Eric immediately replied, surprising Deeks that he was up this early.

_"Find any property Lee Chao owns around here,"_ Deeks messaged back.

_"On it,"_ came the short reply.

Deeks couldn't help but feel a deep sense of gratitude that the two brilliant techs were willing to put their own careers in jeopardy to assist him. They were part of the team too and he sometimes forgot that.

"The cafe just opened," Phil said as he came up behind him. "I could use some coffee. How about you?"

"Yeah," Deeks nodded and reached for his tee shirt.

The two men walked silently across the almost empty parking lot to the cozy little cafe, its windows steamed from the cooking and its light warm in the grayness of the early morning. Deeks felt bad about snapping at the agent earlier, remembering how kind the man had been to him and wondering at the same time why that was. He waved a hello to Rita, the waitress, who quickly brought a couple of cups and the pot of coffee over to their table, smiling brightly and quickly taking their orders. The cafe wasn't very full, only a few patrons scattered amongst the tables and a couple of truckers at the counter.

"You feel bad about Mark being made, yeah?" Deeks said, watching the agent as he fixed his coffee. "Is that why you were so nice to me last night?"

"You think people need a reason to be nice?" Phil asked, looking genuinely surprised at the question. "Where the hell did you grow up?"

"That's also none of your business," Deeks said with a small grin.

"You don't give away much, do ya?" Phil said shaking his head.

"You have no idea how closed-mouthed this team is about their private lives," Deeks said before taking a long sip of coffee, "and I'm the talkative one."

"I was 'nice' to you, as you put it, because I know what it's like to see people you care about go down like that," Phil said.

"You were military," Deeks said softly.

"Afghanistan. Two tours." Phil said without meeting Deeks' eyes.

"I'll listen if you want to share," Deeks said.

"You don't share so why should I?" Phil's voice held an edge that Deeks hadn't heard before and he began to reassess his opinion of the agent.

"You're right. It's none of my business," Deeks replied.

"Is that your favorite comment? Because you say it a lot." Phil seemed to be getting angry and it surprised Deeks. The tension eased when Rita brought their breakfast, which they ate in silence. Even Rita seemed to notice the standoff going on and left them in peace.

"Kensi and I have 'a thing,'" Deeks said, staring at his empty plate. "She's the most incredible woman I've ever known and for some reason she cares about me."

"I'm on your side, you know," Phil said. "I'll help you find the bastard and the RPGs."

"Thanks," Deeks said and let a hint of a smile briefly soften his features.

"Got any ideas about where Lee Chao might be hiding the weapons?" Phil asked.

"Not yet," Deeks answered as his phone buzzed.

_"No real property, just a boat,"_ Eric texted. _"'The Emperor'. Docked at Delta Marina in Rio Vista."_

Deeks stared at Phil and then showed him the message. He quickly called for the check and they hurried back to the room in search of a map. As Phil tried to locate the town on the map, Deeks googled it, and when he saw the location, he shook his head in disbelief.

"Why didn't I think of that?" he asked loudly. "That town is close to Locke as you follow the river and not that far from Sacramento. He could have been transporting the weapons by boat the whole time."

"Mark told me he never saw a transport vehicle when he tailed Lee Chao from Locke," Phil said.

"He could also be storing them on board," Deeks eyes were dark as his mind swirled with thoughts of finally bringing an end to this operation.

"Let's go find that boat," Phil said, a hint of excitement in his voice.

"I need to wait for my new driver's license," Deeks said. "Then we can see what's happening in Rio Vista."

"Is this the unveiling of 'Josh', your new alias?" Phil asked sarcastically.

"Joshua Pike, buyer and seller of ranch land and farm land," Deeks replied. "Moved here not too long ago from up around Santa Fe, New Mexico. Divorced. No kids. Lost the dog in the divorce. Parents dead. One sister, an artist, married to a man he hates so they never see each other. Has worked for a living since he was sixteen."

"Gee, any more details you want to share?" Phil asked with a smile.

"Dog's name was Fido, a black and white cocker spaniel." Deeks said quietly and jammed his cowboy hat on and pulled it low over his eyes as he began to text Hetty.

"You're crazy. A good crazy, but still crazy," Phil said. "Still sure you don't want to join the FBI?"

Deeks didn't reply as he brought Hetty up to speed on what they had discovered, including his current companion. When he finished, the response was almost immediate.

_"Second piece of good news,"_ Hetty texted back. _"Sam is awake and talking."_

Deeks' breath caught in his throat as he read the message and he choked on the warm tears that suddenly filled his eyes and slipped down his face. He couldn't speak as he got a questioning look from the FBI agent. The release he felt shook him and he stumbled to his feet as he handed the phone to Phil so he could read the message himself.

"That's great, man," Phil said as Deeks walked outside. He followed him out and stood leaning against the door as Deeks collected himself.

"You two close?" Phil asked.

"When I first came to NCIS, Sam didn't want to have anything to do with me," Deeks spoke softly as he gazed up into the brightening sky. "I annoyed the hell out of him and that was fun for a while. But he was tough on me, never giving me a break and it started to piss me off. He didn't trust me and that bothered me, so I did my best to try an impress him, but I got nothing. He's a former Navy SEAL and hard as steel and he didn't cut me any slack whatsoever."

"When did that change?" Phil asked.

"He still doesn't cut me any slack, if that's what you're asking," Deeks said with a quick laugh. "But, I respect the hell out of him. He's a good man to have on your side."

"What did you do to win him over?" Phil asked.

"We lived through a couple of tough ops together," Deeks said softly and shivered as he recalled his terrifying time in the desert and his bout with amnesia.

"I thought you were the talkative one." Phil said. "I'm on you side, remember?"

"I saved his life a couple of times and he saved mine," Deeks said, his voice rough and low. "He's the heart and soul of our team and none of us would ever be the same if we lost him."

He still didn't trust or know Phil enough to share the depth of his feelings for Sam and he honestly didn't think he could even voice them without breaking down and now wasn't the time to do that. He took a deep breath and turned to go back inside when he saw a delivery van pull up to the office. He walked toward it in anticipation and asked if he had a package for him. After signing for it he walked back to his room and began to get dressed as Joshua Pike.

"You make a good-looking cowboy," Phil said.

"I thought you said you weren't gay?" Deeks said with a smirk. "Sounds like you have the hots for ol' Josh."

"You are annoying," Phil said shaking his head. "But, I've always had a thing for cowboys. Wanted to be one growing up in Wyoming, but the service took me in a different direction."

"You don't look like a cowboy," Deeks said as he adjusted his hat low over his eyes.

"You haven't seen me on a horse," Phil replied. "You ride?"

"Me?" Deeks asked, his face breaking into a crooked grin. "I grew up in LA. I ride a surfboard and horses scare the shit out of me."

"Good thing you don't have to ride one to sell your alias," Phil laughed and Deeks smiled broadly as he led the way to the truck.

"Yeah. Glad this ops on the water," Deeks said as he pulled out onto the frontage road. "You do swim don't you, Phil?"

"A little. Why?" Phil asked.

"Because if this op blows up, you might find yourself in the water." Deeks smiled at the agent.

"If this op blows up, being able to swim will be the least of our worries," Phil replied.

The comment sobered them both as they drove through the delta landscape toward the river town of Rio Vista and a small town full of people unaware of what might be hidden in their midst.

...

_Sorry it has taken me so long to update this story. I was on a short vacation to take in a special graduation and only managed to write one sentence. _

_I reference two of my stories in this chapter: "Devils and Angels" and "Forget and Remember", just in case you're interested in what Deeks and Sam went through together in my AU. There is also an separate epilogues for both stories, the first called appropriately enough, "Epilogue: Devils and Angels" and "Sequel: Forget and Remember."_


	8. Chapter 8

**Judgement: Chapter 8**

...

The early morning sunlight skimmed across the blowing grasses that lined the narrow two-lane road the two men traveled on. Cutting through the flat landscape, they crossed low bridges over winding creeks the locals called sloughs, thin, snaking waterways that wound around the Delta islands that had been farmed for decades and now sprouted with cornstalks. The agents hadn't spoken in a while, each lost in their own thoughts until Deeks heard Phil snigger in amusement.

"What?" Deeks wondered.

"We just crossed over Little Potato Slough," the agent said with a light laugh. "And earlier we crossed Deadman Slough."

"There's a story in there somewhere," Deeks replied. "Then there's that mountain in the distance named Mount Diablo."

"Great! Devils and dead men," Phil said. "You must have been here a long time to learn the names of landmarks."

"Too long and I wish I'd never had to come at all," Deeks replied solemnly. "Looks like it's clouding up again."

"No rain in those clouds yet," Phil said, leaning forward to look up at the sky. "My mom used to call that a buttermilk sky."

"What the heck is buttermilk?" Deeks asked.

"You wouldn't like it, trust me," Phil said. "It leaves a coating on the glass that looks just like those clouds, and it tastes like sour milk."

"Yum." Deeks smiled over at the agent. "What's your last name Phil?"

"My alias's name is Beeler," he answered. "Why?"

"Just in case Josh Pike has to introduce you as a client," Deeks said.

"So now I'm part of your cover story?" Phil asked.

"Yeah. You're looking to buy a ranch, Phil," Deeks laughed. "And maybe a boat."

"Well, I hope it's cheap, 'cause Phil Beeler doesn't have a lot of money," he said.

"What is your backstory anyway?" Deeks asked.

"I'm a historian doing research on the Chinese in California," Phil replied.

"What have you learned so far?" Deeks asked.

"That Lee Chao is the exception," Phil answered quietly.

"Soon, he won't be anything except dead," Deeks said, his voice barely above a low growl.

The old grey pick-up slowed as they neared the bridge into the town of Rio Vista. The body language of the two men subtlety changed as they drove onto the main street and a layer of tension heightened their vigilance. They parked and got out, slowly surveying their surroundings. The small town harkened back to a simpler time, the buildings spare and low, with retail signs that hadn't been replaced since the fifties.

"Feel like a beer?" Josh Pike asked Phil Beeler.

"It's the least you can do for your client," Phil answered. "You can buy lunch, too."

"You are cheap," Josh said with a smile as he slapped Phil on the back.

"How does Foster's Bighorn sound?" Josh asked, looking up at the old sign in front of him.

"Like a place from my hometown," Phil answered as Josh pushed open the door and walked into a place he wasn't prepared for.

"Seriously?" Josh said, drawing out the word as he took in the spectacle of hundreds of animal heads decorating every wall in the place.

"Yep. Just like home," Phil said as he pushed past Josh to take a seat at the bar.

"Not unless you have elephants, rhinos and a giraffe in your hometown," Josh said, his eyes wide as he stared into the dining room.

"Man, whoever put this together was some hunter," Phil said with a smile.

"That would be Bill Foster in the 1930's and '40's," the bartender said. "He was a bootlegger in the twenties on the run from the law when he settled here. Made a lot of money and took up big game hunting. You guys want a couple of beers?"

Both men nodded and the man quickly served them and went back to talking with a local at the end of the bar.

"This place gives me the creeps," Josh said, keeping his head down.

"The giraffe head and neck kind of freaks me out, but the deer and antelope are very familiar," Phil said, turning to check out the heads behind him.

"Why would someone want to kill this many animals?" Josh wondered.

"Sport," Phil said. "Didn't your dad ever take you hunting?"

"The only thing my dad tried to shoot was me," Deeks said quietly and finished his beer. He had dropped the voice and intonation he'd adopted for Joshua Pike and had surprised himself by his personal revelation. Motioning the bartender over, he asked where the marina was. After getting directions he ordered a couple of burgers and fries and turned to see Phil staring at him.

"What?" Deeks asked.

"You just gonna leave me hangin' or are you going to elaborate?" Phil's face was sober and his eyes questioning as he held Deeks' gaze.

"If I tell you any more, I'll have to kill you," Deeks smiled and pulled his hat lower.

"Anybody ever tell you you're a smart-ass?" Phil said quite seriously.

"Yeah, all the time," Deeks answered softly. "Sam called me that a lot. I miss hearing him say it."

Phil started to respond, but the burgers arrived and the two agents began to eat in silence. Deeks was slightly angry with himself for being so honest with Phil. He was beginning to really like the guy and had let his guard down around him, and he wasn't sure that was a good idea. He had good instincts when it came to reading people, and his instincts told him Phil was a decent guy, except for his connection to Granger and his seeming fondness for stuffed animal heads. But, he thought he could trust him and he never came by that opinion about someone easily. He was good at catching people in a lie, and so far, he didn't think Phil had lied to him. The fact that Phil thought Granger was a jackass was a good sign and he caught himself smiling, even though he could be reporting on him to Granger.

"Talked to Granger lately?" Deeks asked as he munched on his fries.

"Where did that question come from?" Phil asked. "Sounds like you're doubting me just a little?"

"I need to know if I can trust you not to tell Granger where I am," Deeks answered.

"You always this suspicious of your colleagues?" Phil asked with a hint of anger in his voice.

"Granger's a colleague," Deeks answered.

"Good point. I wouldn't trust him as far as I could throw him," Phil said. "But he is my handler on this operation."

"What does that mean?" Deeks sat up and turned to look at him.

"What's our plan?" Phil asked, keeping his voice low as he ignored Deeks' question. "Are we gonna march onto that boat without a search warrant and look for the weapons or just put it under surveillance today and see who comes and goes?"

"Surveillance, until tonight," Deeks said. "Then we sneak on without a search warrant and find the weapons."

Both men were tense and there was a hint of discord between them as they stared into each other's eyes.

"Granger could help us, you know," Phil said softly. "If he's looking for the RPGs, he won't be looking for you."

"What do you have in mind?" Deeks asked.

"We make sure the boat is here, then we watch and see if Chao and his men are on board," Phil said quietly. "If nobody's on board we can check it out. If we find out the RPGs are on board, I'll call Granger and you can go after Lee Chao."

"And if Lee Chao is on board?" Deeks asked.

"We wait until he leaves," Phil answered. "You can follow him and I'll secure the weapons with Granger's help. We can't do this alone, Josh."

"Okay," Deeks said. "But you can't let Granger know where you got the intel about the boat. If you do, some good people are going to be in a shitload of trouble."

"You have my word," Phil said solemnly and offered his hand, which Deeks shook slowly and smiled.

"Let's go find us a boat, Mr. Beeler." Deeks threw some money on the bar and eased himself onto his feet.

...

The buttermilk sky was turning orange and purple as the sun dropped slowly below the horizon. He heard the distinctive calls of the Sandhill Cranes as they headed back to their nests and the sound lulled him. They had been watching Lee Chao's large yacht for hours and had seen no movement. The inactivity encouraged him to think they could sneak on board later and have a look around and he stretched, trying to get the kinks out of his back, but that only reawakened the pain in his cracked ribs and he moaned softly, rousing Phil from his own stupor.

"You okay?" Phil asked, sitting up and rubbing the back of his neck.

"Yeah, just getting a reminder of why I'm stuck in this truck with a sleeping FBI agent," Deeks answered.

"I wasn't sleeping," Phil said with an aggrieved tone.

"Really? Could have fooled me, Mr. Beeler," Deeks said with a small laugh.

"I am hungry, though," Phil said. "The Bighorn has a rib eye. It's expensive, but you're buyin', so I could go for one of those, maybe start with some calamari."

"I bought lunch and now you think I should buy you dinner too?" Deeks asked. "Does the FBI not pay you, or what?"

"Okay, okay, I'll pick up the tab this time," Phil said.

"I hate to leave the stake-out," Deeks said as he checked the boat through his binoculars again.

"It'll still be here when we get back," Phil said opening the door and jumping down. "Come on, we can walk it."

Deeks took another look and then sighed and got out and locked the truck. They walked slowly back into town on Front Street, enjoying the exercise and the cooling breeze off the water.

"So, you were close to your dad?" Deeks asked quietly.

"Still am," Phil said. "We go hunting together whenever I manage to get home."

"Sounds like you have a great family," Deeks said.

"It's just me and my dad," Phil replied. "My mom died when I was eight, so my dad raised me and my brother."

"What does your brother do?" Deeks asked.

"My brother was killed in Iraq," Phil said. "He's the reason I joined up."

"Sorry man, I didn't mean to pry," Deeks said quickly.

"It's okay, I've come to terms with it," Phil said. "You remind me of him a little."

"How's that?" Deeks turned to look at him, surprised by the comment.

"He was a smart-ass too," Phil said with a laugh.

"Nice set up," Deeks said, a hesitant smile touching his lips.

"You still visit your family?" Phil asked.

"No one to visit," he replied.

"That's tough," Phil said softly. "So I'm guessing your team is very special to you."

"They're everything to me." Deeks could barely choke out the words and paused for a few seconds to gather himself. Steeling himself, he stuffed his hands in his pockets and turned up Main Street toward The Bighorn as his anger boiled behind his cold blue eyes.

...

Deeks leaned silently against the wall outside the restaurant after dinner, waiting for Phil to finish his phone call to Granger. His feeling of conflict was sharp as he listened to the one sided conversation. He found himself trusting a man he had just met, from a rival agency his team rarely got along with, more than he trusted his own Assistant Director. As he listened, he was gratified as Phil did as he had promised, obscuring the source of his intel about the boat with bureaucratic bullshit that made Deeks smile.

"That guy is a real prick," Phil said, pocketing his phone. "You better watch your back. Granger wants your head. He said you sent him on a wild goose chase to some construction site in the foothills and believe me, he is not pleased."

"That's not news, Phil," Deeks said as they started their walk back to the Marina. "What else did he say?"

"He's on his way here," Phil said, glancing quickly over at Deeks. "He asked if I'd seen you. He really doesn't like your hair. Did you know that?"

Deeks laughed out loud, bending over at the waist as he felt the tension in his body release. Phil joined briefly in the laughter, but sobered quickly.

"We don't have much time," Phil said. "We need to get on that boat and see if the RPGs are there. Then you have to disappear or he'll have you locked down."

"Yeah, I know," Deeks said as he quickened his pace.

They spent a few minutes at the truck, scanning the boat with binoculars and seeing that it was still dark inside. Deeks exchanged his cowboy hat for a black watch cap and then they walked quickly down to the dock, where he picked the lock on the security gate. Few people were around and most of the boats were dark, except for one yacht two slips over. The two agents moved silently as they approached "The Emperor", their breathing shallow as they listened intently for any sound that might alert them to a guard on board. The moon was almost full, so the light was good as they climbed soundlessly up the ladder and dropped to the deck. They held their breath and listened again before moving inside. Phil pulled a tiny flashlight from the back pocket of his jeans and swept the cabin so they could get their bearings. Using hand signals, Deeks indicated he was going below deck and Phil nodded and began to explore the main cabin.

Deeks moved cautiously down the stairs, his flashlight illuminating a table covered in maps and a laptop. He flipped it open, hoping it wasn't password protected. It opened immediately to list of numbers he had no time to study, so he pulled a thumb drive from his pocket and copied what he could. He scanned the room as he waited for the download, seeing a locked door at the back. Pocketing the thumb drive, he closed the laptop and froze as he heard a creak on the floor above him. He calmed his breathing, realizing it was probably Phil, and then crept toward the locked compartment. Holding the light in his mouth, he quickly picked the lock and pushed the door open, almost dropping the flashlight as he smiled. The small room was stacked with military boxes containing the RPGs they had been searching for. He let out a long sigh of relief and started back out the door to let Phil know what he'd found. As he reached the stairs, shouts erupted above him from the main cabin and he heard Phil yell out and the sound of a body hitting the floor. He pulled his gun and started up the stairs, determined not to let anything happen to another partner, even if he was just a temp.

...


	9. Chapter 9

**Judgement: Chapter 9**

...

Deeks stole a quick look around the corner into the main cabin where the lights cast a soft glow over the violent scene taking place. Two brawny men had Phil pinned to the floor and were beating the hell out of him. One man rose suddenly and pulled a small revolver and Deeks' heart raced as he stepped into the room and yelled.

"Federal agent!"

The man with the gun turned toward him and Deeks fired three bullets into his chest.

The man on top of Phil scrambled to reach his feet, finally allowing Phil to get his arms free. He grabbed the man's shirt and pulled him around and slugged him hard in the face, breaking his nose. The man cried out and fell onto his back and Phil was immediately on his feet, kicking the man while he yelled obscenities at him.

"He's out, Phil," Deeks said as he tried to pull Phil away.

"No he's not! He's faking, the asshole," Phil said as he kicked him again.

"Seriously, Phil, the guy's unconscious," Deeks laughed.

"Good. Now I'm gonna shoot him," Phil said, his anger still hot.

"No, you're not," Deeks said, pushing him down into a chair. "Let me see what kind of damage they did."

"I'm fine," Phil said, knocking Deeks' hand away.

"Where have I heard that before," Deeks said to himself. "How'd you let these two guys get the jump on you, Mr. FBI?"

"There were three of them, you dumb-ass," Phil wiped blood from his mouth as he grabbed a glass from the sideboard and shakily poured himself a shot of whiskey. "Want one?"

"No, thanks," Deeks said. "Where's the third guy?"

"I don't know, I was a little busy," Phil answered, but his eyes became focused as he realized what that meant.

Deeks quickly found the light switch and turned them off and then moved out onto the deck. Phil followed, his gun out and ready.

"The RPGs are below," Deeks whispered and saw Phil smile as he looked up and down the dock.

He heard an engine start up and swiftly climbed out of the yacht and down onto the dock, moving quickly out to the end. Phil followed and pointed out a small boat as it moved slowly out into the river. He turned to ask a question just as Deeks saw a missile fired in their direction. Deeks' reaction was instantaneous. He wrapped his arms around Phil and dove off the end of the dock, taking them both as deep under water as fast as he could. The dock exploded immediately behind them and fiery debris rained down all around, shards of the wooden deck piercing the water as Deeks released his hold on Phil. He felt a stab of pain in his leg and struggled to kick to get further away as the remains of the dock and pieces of a disintegrating boat sunk towards them.

His lungs were on fire as he swam toward land, finally having to surface to catch a breath of air. As he turned to look at the burning dock, he didn't see Phil. Adrenaline surged through him as he dove back under the churning water searching frantically for the agent, finally seeing him struggle to the surface only to sink once again. Deeks reached him and pulled his head above the water line and kicked for shore. He dragged the agent up onto the grassy slope and then dropped onto his back and tried to catch his breath.

"Shit!" Phil said and then began to cough violently, expelling water from his lungs.

"You're bleeding," Deeks said, his chest heaving as he took in great gulps of air.

"So are you," Phil said roughly, pointing at Deeks' leg.

Then they both leaned their heads back on the soft grass to let their hearts slow down as the sounds of sirens filled the air.

"That son-of-a-bitch really loves to blow things up," Phil said breathlessly.

"Mainly people," Deeks said softly.

"How did your team survive something like that?" Phil asked as he turned to look at Deeks, but he got no response, just a look of abject sorrow, followed by a flash of anger in his pale blue eyes.

Deeks sat up and gazed solemnly out at the destruction and watched the frantic efforts of the firemen as they fought to contain the blaze. Then he saw a familiar figure walk out toward the dock and he dropped his head.

"Granger's here," he said.

"Guess I'm on," Phil said as he struggled to stand. His left arm hung limply at his side and blood streaked down the side of his face from a cut on his head.

"Can you walk on your own?" Deeks asked as he saw the pain etched on his face.

"I'm FBI, we're tough," Phil said with a smile. "You better get out of here before Granger throws your wet ass in jail."

Deeks watched as he made his way along the bank toward the dock, finally meeting up with Granger a few feet from Lee Chao's yacht. He saw Phil point toward the boat and saw Granger look briefly at it, before turning to look in Deeks' direction. He felt anxious about the sudden scrutiny and a cold anger rose as Granger walked along the dock, looking intently his way. Phil limped along behind him and Deeks wondered briefly if the agent had turned on him. As Granger stopped near the edge of the dock, Phil stumbled into him, knocking him off balance and before Phil could grab him, Granger tumbled into the water, making a satisfying splash.

Deeks laughed out loud as he stood up, watching as NCIS agents scrambled to pull Granger out. He turned and limped up to his pick-up truck and pulled out his cowboy hat and jammed it on, covering his wet hair. Taking one last look, he saw Phil look quickly toward him and smile before turning back as Granger began yelling at him.

"See you around, buddy," Deeks said softly as he started the engine and drove slowly back toward Main Street. He made the bridge and picked up speed, putting distance between him and Granger, before finally turning off onto a ranch road and pulling to a stop behind a stand of Cottonwood trees. He examined the wound in his leg, finding that a large splinter of wood had embedded itself in his thigh. He rummaged in the glove box until he found the first aid kit he had stashed there. He wrapped a bandage as tightly around his leg as he could stand, hoping to slow the blood until he could get to a med clinic and then pulled a second burn phone out of his go-bag and texted Hetty.

_"RPGs are secured,"_ he messaged. _"Granger and FBI have them."_

_"Good work,"_ Hetty answered. _"Coming back?"_

_"Not yet,"_ Deeks texted. _"Let Eric and Nell know."_

_"I will,"_ she messaged back. _"Take care."_

He was afraid to ask about the team, because if the news was bad, he was not sure he would have the energy to continue. He knew he had to stay focused on finding Lee Chao; he owed all of them that. His desire to kill the man had not abated, but he wondered if he was still up to the task. He was exhausted and as he continued to lose blood, he felt a weakness in his body that he hated. He tried to gather strength from the knowledge that the RPGs were out of circulation, but he needed more. He needed Kensi. He needed her determination and her doggedness. He wanted Callen there beside him to lay out a plan and he longed for the calming presence of Sam who would probably kick his ass if he were here, just to get him moving. They were all so strong and fought so hard and he wasn't sure he measured up, but he owed them. He owed them justice for what had been done to them. Lee Chao had tried to kill them all and he was going to make him pay for that. He let the memories of that horrible day flood into his mind once again and mix with the terror he'd felt when he saw that missile heading straight for him and the sensation of searing heat as it exploded all around the two of them. The rage began to build within him once again and he let it, he cultivated it and stoked the fire inherent in it and he felt an icy resolve grip him as visions of explosions filled his head.

He had told Hetty he wasn't coming back in tonight, but as his remaining energy slowly drained away, he knew he needed to go back. He needed to recharge and the only people who could help him do that were in that hospital in Sacramento. He needed to see them and touch them and draw strength from them. So, he started the long drive back and the closer he got to the team, the calmer his mind became.

...

By the time he limped into the ER it was well past one in the morning and his pant leg was soaked in blood and his mind was fuzzy. He had texted Hetty that he was coming and gave her a heads up that he would be in the ER, so he wasn't surprised when he saw her waiting there next to Marcie, the head nurse from the ICU.

"Have they put you in charge of the entire hospital, Marcie?" Deeks asked with a soft smile as she led him into one of the rooms.

"Not yet," Marcie said as she looked him up and down and then motioned for one of the doctors. "Take good care of this guy or I'll make your life a living hell." The doctor just laughed and pushed her toward the door.

"That threat didn't seem to scare you much," Deeks said as a couple of interns helped him up on the exam table.

"I'm used to it, she's my wife," the doctor said as he gently forced Deeks down on the table.

"I bet she keeps you on your toes," Deeks said, the words coming out slightly slurred as exhaustion and blood loss overcame him. He didn't even notice when two young nurses pulled his pants off so the doctor could get to the wound in his leg, and he wasn't aware when they hooked him up to an IV or when they pushed a half a pint of blood into him. And he didn't know until he woke up, that Marcie had convinced her husband to sedate him for a little while, so he would finally rest, and when he found out he was furious.

"You looked like total shit and you were bleeding all over everything," Marcie said, not the least bit intimidated by his anger. "That piece of wood they pulled out of your leg was six inches long. You're lucky it missed your main artery. What the hell happened?"

"I can't tell you that," Deeks said as he sat up. "Now, can I get out of here?"

"Only if you promise to take these antibiotics and find some pants to wear. We destroyed the bloody ones," Marcie said. "I don't need you distracting all the nurses by walking around half naked."

"Yes Ma'am," Deeks said, finally smiling at her.

"Don't call me ma'am, it makes me feel old," Marcie said, as she headed for the door.

"Wait!' Deeks called out. "Did you find anything in the pockets of my old jeans?"

"Everything's in a plastic bag under your bed," Marcie said, passing Hetty as she left.

"Good morning Mr. Deeks," Hetty said. "I brought your go-bag, so you can change."

"Thanks, Hetty," Deeks said as he eased himself off the bed and headed for the bathroom. When he came out, Hetty was standing by the window and he knew she was waiting for an explanation and a report. He sighed deeply and limped to her side. They stared out the window together, looking into the darkness as it slowly change into a gray dawn and he calmly told her everything that had happened. Her only reaction came when he told her about Phil knocking Granger into the water. She laughed quietly and her eyes sparkled as she glanced quickly up at him.

"There was a laptop on the boat," Deeks said as he retrieved the plastic bag of his things. "I copied the contents to a thumb drive, but it might be damaged from my little swim."

He handed it to her and she smiled gently at him.

"I don't think I could have taken it if something had happened to you, too," she said as she stared down at the thumb drive.

He could tell how shaken she was by what he had told her and he reached out and gently touched her arm.

"I need to see them all Hetty, before I go after Lee Chao," Deeks said quietly.

"I understand, Mr. Deeks," Hetty said. "But keep one eye open for the Assistant Director. He still haunts these halls occasionally."

Then he was alone. He shivered as he recalled just how close he had come to death and he turned and walked out of the room in search of the three people he needed for comfort and who could help him renew his strength.

...

"Sam?" Deeks called out softly into the darkened room. When he got no reply he stepped closer and took in the condition of the strongest man he knew. Both Sam's legs were in casts as was his left arm. His head was remarkably unscathed, but Deeks knew his body had suffered internally and he felt himself shrink back as he considered the long road ahead for the former Navy SEAL. He knew if anyone could come back from this it was Sam, of that he had no doubt. That he had to go through it made him seethe with rage. He watched him sleep for a little while and then turned to leave him in peace, not wanting to disturb him even though he longed to hear his voice.

"Deeks?" Sam said weakly, his voice hoarse and low, the effort it took to speak evident.

"Yeah, Sam," he answered, quickly blinking back tears before turning to face him.

"Hey, man, good to see you," Sam said with a smile.

"How'd you know it was me?" Deeks asked, as he came closer.

"How else, man, the hair. It practically glows in the dark," Sam said with a laugh, which was cut short as he grimaced in pain.

"Sam?" Deeks moved to his side and rested his hand on his shoulder, watching tensely as Sam fought against the pain.

"I'm good, Deeks," Sam finally said, his voice comforting in the darkness of the room.

"We found the RPGs," Deeks said. "They're secure."

"Did you get Lee Chao, too?" Sam asked.

"Not yet," he answered. "Maybe today."

"Need me to kick your ass to get you moving?" Sam asked lightly. "I can still do that, you know, even with two broken legs."

"Yeah, Sam, I know you can," Deeks said softly. "Don't worry, I'll make him pay."

"Deeks, revenge is not what we do," Sam said. "Don't let your anger overrule what you know is right."

"He almost killed you all and last night he almost killed me." Deeks shouted, feeling himself losing control. "He doesn't deserve to get off easy, Sam."

"Who said anything about letting him off easy?" Sam said angrily. "Don't let him make you a murderer, Deeks. You don't deserve that. Bring him in and let someone else pass judgement. You're too close to it and too angry to do that."

"He won't go easily," Deeks said.

"I'm not saying you shouldn't defend yourself, Deeks," Sam said, his voice softening. "Just stay within the law so you come out of this still respecting yourself."

"What if I fail, Sam?" Deeks asked.

"Just come back alive, Deeks, or I will kick your ass," Sam said.

...


	10. Chapter 10

**Judgement: Chapter 10**

...

Deeks was sitting at a table in the hospital cafeteria as far away from the front entrance as he could get. He sat with his back against the far wall, eating breakfast and facing the entrance so he could keep an eye out for Granger. He had scoped out the back exit in case he had to make a run for it and now he warily glanced up as he heard someone approach.

"Hi, I don't think we've met," Phil said, "I'm Joe Atwood."

"Nice to finally meet you, Joe. I'm Marty Deeks. You gonna kill me now?"

"No smart-ass. I'm trying to say thank you," Joe said, taking a seat across from him.

"What for, Phil?"

"Are you always this dense or did you get hit in the head again," Joe said, exasperation evident on his face. "I figured you saved my life two, maybe three times during this op."

"Wow, impressive. Mr. FBI can count," Deeks said, flashing a crooked grin.

"You really are annoying," Joe Atwood said.

"So I've been told," Deeks answered softly. "So I guess you owe me a cup of coffee, at least."

"Maybe three, but whose counting," Joe said.

"Mind if I still call you Phil? I'm kind of use to it," Deeks said.

"It's a dorky name," Joe answered.

"Well, you're a dorky guy, so it fits," Deeks said with a broad smile.

"I left myself open for that one," Joe said. "Okay, I'll be Phil if you answer to dumb-ass."

"Just call me Deeks. Is your arm broken?" Deeks nodded at the sling on Phil's arm.

"No. They pulled a long piece of wood out of it," Phil said. "How's your leg?"

"Giant sliver, lots of stitches," Deeks said quietly as he stared down at the table.

"Are you okay?" Phil asked softly.

"Yeah. Waiting to see my partner." Deeks rose and limped over and refilled his coffee and stood silently for a few moments before returning to the table.

"Any change?" Phil asked.

"I don't think so. The doctor was with her so I couldn't go in. He told me to come back in an hour," Deeks' voice became rough as he answered.

"And the other two?" Phil asked.

"Better. I spoke to Sam," Deeks stopped talking as he collected himself. "He verbally kicked my ass."

"I'd like to meet them all someday," Phil said as he stood up from the table. "But I have a plane to catch back to LA. They're pulling me out."

"Thanks, Phil," Deeks said as he stood to face him and reached for his hand, shaking it slowly.

"What for?" Phil asked.

"For keeping me sane," Deeks replied, "and for pushing Granger in the river."

They both laughed at the memory and stood awkwardly looking at each other, the bond evident between the two.

"You'll be in my report, Deeks," Phil said. "There's no way I'm taking credit for finding those RPGs. I won't implicate your techs, but my boss needs to know what you did."

"We did it together, Phil," Deeks said. "Besides, Granger will take all the credit anyway."

"I was just the backup who would be dead if it wasn't for you," Phil said, his voice softening as he spoke.

"That's why you introduced yourself by your real name," Deeks said shaking his head. "So I would tell you my real name for your report."

"I'm good aren't I?" Phil said with a smile, slapping Deeks lightly on the shoulder.

"No, you're an asshole. When do you have to file it?" Deeks asked as he stuffed his hands in the front pockets of his jeans and stared at the floor.

"When do you want me to file it?" Phil asked.

"Can you give me a couple of days? If Granger finds out, which he will, it could hurt some people and they've all been hurt enough." Deeks said.

"I've never been known for getting my paperwork in on time," Phil said. "But, they'll want to debrief me sometime tomorrow. I'll put them off as long as I can."

"Thanks, buddy," Deeks said. "Take care of yourself."

"Get the bastard, Deeks." Phil said.

"I will," he answered. "See you around, Phil."

Joe Atwood walked away but turned around as he reached the exit and called out across the room.

"I don't care what Granger says, I like your hair." Then he smiled broadly and walked out the door, leaving Deeks with a crooked grin on his face and a feeling of emptiness.

...

Deeks stood silently outside Kensi's room trying to summon up the courage to go in. He longed to open the door and find her the way she used to be, her face expressive and smiling, with a ready quip about him on her lips. He missed her ragging on him and he even missed the punches she would throw his way if he got out of line or got the best of her in something or said something she thought insensitive. She had been so full of life and he hated seeing her lying limply in that bed, her mismatched eyes closed to him, but even asleep, he knew she would give him the strength he needed to continue, so he took a deep breath and pushed open the door.

"I knew I'd catch you here eventually," Granger said as he stood up from the chair next to Kensi's bed.

"Yeah, not too hard to figure out, even for you," Deeks answered with a flash of anger.

"I'm taking you into custody Agent Deeks," Granger said with a smirk. "You should have known you couldn't hide from me for too long."

"Give me a little time with her, Granger, please," Deeks asked and his voice cracked.

"She's not even aware you're here, Agent Deeks," Granger said shaking his head. "So it really won't make any difference whether you're here one minute or twenty minutes."

"You bastard," Deeks felt himself go rigid at the coldness of the statement.

Deeks clenched his fists and prepared to fight, but the door opened behind him and two agents came in and moved quickly to either side of him. One of the men gripped his arm and his rage exploded. He whirled and slugged the agent in the mouth, knocking him over a chair. The other agent jumped him and tried to put him in a chokehold as the other man rose and punched him solidly in the side, causing him to cry out as his already cracked ribs screamed in protest.

"Get off of me you assholes," Deeks shouted and then groaned loudly as another fist hit him low in the stomach.

"Deeks?"

He struggled as the familiar voice called out his name and then he heard it spoken again, this time with a hint of fear and he pushed the agent in front of him out of the way and stared into Kensi's wide-open eyes.

"Deeks?" Kensi said slowly, blinking her eyes.

"Kensi," He cried out as he fought to get to her, pulling towards her with everything he had, but the men held him firmly and looked to Granger for instructions.

"Please, Granger, I just need to be with her," Deeks pleaded.

"You've got ten minutes, then you come willingly," Granger said. "Do we have a deal?"

"Yeah, okay, deal," Deeks said as his energy faded.

Granger motioned for the agents to let him go and they roughly pushed him toward the bed and walked out the door and Granger followed them out.

"Kensi? You're awake." Tears watered his eyes as he gently took her hand and held it to his lips, kissing her fingers as he stared at her.

Her eyes blinked slowly as she looked at him and a soft smile warmed her face. She tried to say something, but nothing came out and he saw her brow crease with confusion and then her eyes flashed darkly, and he knew she was upset she wasn't able to do what she wanted and it made him smile even more. His stubborn Kensi was still in there and his heart began to pound in his chest. He leaned over the railing and kissed her softly on the forehead and the frown lines disappeared.

"God, I've missed you, Kens," he said as he caressed her cheek, his fingers tracing the line of her jaw.

Suddenly he was surrounded by nurses and Doctor Payton stepped up next to him and gripped his shoulder.

"You've got her back, Mr. Deeks," the doctor said and Deeks could hear the relief in his voice.

"Now what, doc?" Deeks asked, blowing out his breath as he tried to control his emotions.

"Be patient," Doctor Payton said. "She's going to have good days and bad days, but step by step she's going to recover. This is just the first stage."

The doctor patted him gently on the back and gave him a quick smile as he started to check Kensi's vital signs. She had closed her eyes again and it scared Deeks.

"Don't worry, Mr. Deeks," the doctor told him. "She'll wake up slowly and sleep a lot. She needs the rest. She probably will not see too well at first and loud noises might disturb her."

"I think all the yelling is what caused her to wake up, doc," Deeks said, and saw the confusion on the doctor's face, so he quickly explained what had happened. "I think she responded as my partner. She must have heard my voice and knew I was in trouble and she wanted to help me, to back me up like she always has."

"Instincts are a powerful thing, Mr. Deeks," Doctor Payton said. "She must care very deeply about you."

"Yeah, she does," Deeks said, a small smile flitting across his mouth.

He watched the doctor as he ministered to her and then he remembered what lay in store for him, and he quickly pulled his burn phone and texted Hetty.

_"Kensi woke up,"_ he texted. _"Granger taking me into custody."_

_"Great news and bad, Mr. Deeks. I'll do what I can."_ came her immediate reply.

_"Take care of her,"_ Deeks messaged.

_"I will look after them all,"_ she texted in return.

He asked one of the nurses he had gotten to know, if she would give his phone to Hetty the next time she saw her and the woman agreed. He didn't want Granger to know they had been texting. As he turned back to Kensi, he heard the door open.

"Times up, Agent Deeks," Granger said from the doorway.

"Take good care of her, doc," Deeks said as he reached out and lightly touched her lips with the tips of his fingers. "Tell her I'll be thinking about her."

Then he turned and walked out into the hall, relief flooding through him now that she was awake. He even smiled at Granger as he told the agents to cuff him. The man he had hit in the mouth turned him roughly around and shoved him face first into the wall and cuffed him tightly. The two agents pushed him hurriedly down the hall, but the smile never left him as his mind lingered on the face of his partner and the look in her eyes when she called his name. She was awake now and he knew she would fight to recover with all the strength and determination she possessed, and that was all that mattered to him and his smile grew as he was shoved in the backseat of a car and driven away from her.

...

The house they took him to was close to the hospital on a side street covered by a canopy of huge trees. He was ushered quickly inside and pushed down into a chair in the small living room. He watched as the two men thoroughly checked all the windows and exit doors before coming back into the living room and standing over him.

"Got cable?" Deeks asked with smirk.

"Shut up, Deeks," the man with the split lip said darkly.

"Aren't you going to introduce yourselves?" Deeks asked. "Or do you want me to come up with nicknames for each of you. I'm really pretty good at it."

"I'm Pearson and he's Scott," the agent who'd had him in a chokehold said.

"He doesn't need to know our names, Pearson," Scott said angrily.

"I didn't know it was supposed to be a secret, Scott," the younger man replied.

"Hey guys, I hate to break up your little tiff, but could you take these cuffs off? They're starting to cut a little." Deeks asked.

"No way, asshole," Scott said harshly. "You punched me in the face, and I'm not giving you another chance."

"Listen, I'm sorry I punched you, but you grabbed me at the wrong time and I lost it," Deeks said reasonably. "Come on guys, we both work for the same agency."

"Not for long," Scott said.

"What does that mean?" Deeks asked.

"It means you won't be an agent for much longer if Granger has anything to say about it." Scott said as he leaned over Deeks. "He doesn't think you measure up. You're were just a cop and not a very good one from what I hear."

"Well, Hetty may have something to say about that," Deeks said softly.

"She won't be around for long either," Scott laughed and walked into the kitchen and pulled a bottle of water from the fridge.

Deeks made no reply as his stomach began to churn and his mind raced as he realized that Granger was going to use what had happened to try and get rid of both of them.

"What, no smart-ass comment, surfer punk?" Scott asked.

"So you do like nicknames," Deeks said with a smile. "Okay, I'll play. How about I call you Snotty Scotty? Sounds appropriate, don't you think so Agent Pearson?"

The young agent couldn't keep a small grin from appearing on his face, but it was gone quickly as Scott glared darkly at him.

"Looks like you're going to miss lunch, punk," Scott said, yanking Deeks to his feet. "And dinner too. After that we'll see how big a wiseass you are."

"Wow. You really know how to break a guy, Snot-nose." Deeks was starting to enjoy himself and he laughed as Scott shoved him toward the bedroom and pushed him down into the far corner. Scott leaned low over him and grinned.

"When you're out looking for another job, smart-ass, I'll be the one replacing you at OSP," Scott said, keeping his voice low. "So when your partner comes back to work, it'll be me she'll be backing up. I hear she's hot. Probably good in bed, too, not that you would know, would you surfer punk?"

Deeks felt a deep rage burst inside of him as he listened to the words vomiting out of the agent's mouth. He slammed his boot into his ankle and heard him curse and cry out in pain as he tumbled backward onto the floor. Deeks struggled to his knees, but before he could stand, Scott was on his feet. He kicked Deeks hard in the leg, splitting open the stitches that tracked along his thigh and he gasped at the pain and collapsed back into the corner. Scott would have kicked him again if Pearson hadn't grabbed him and dragged him out of the room.

"I'll make you pay for that you son-of-a-bitch," Scott screamed at him as Pearson shut the door to the bedroom, leaving Deeks alone and fighting to catch his breath as warm blood soaked his pant leg. His anger lingered as he thought back to his moment with Kensi, and the thought that he might not be there for her when she returned, filled him with a deep sadness that was overwhelming in its intensity. He had no idea how to change what was about to happen and he felt his rage building once again.

...


	11. Chapter 11

**Judgement: Chapter 11**

...

Hetty was in Callen's room telling him that Kensi was awake when one of the nurses came in. She checked Callen's chart and brought him a fresh pitcher of water and then started to leave before turning back to address Hetty.

"I'm sorry, I almost forgot," she said warmly, "Mr. Deeks asked me to give you his phone."

She pulled it out of her pocket and handed it over, surprising Hetty and bringing a look of concern to her face.

"Did he tell you why he wanted me to have it?" Hetty asked, looking quickly at Callen.

"I think it had something to do with what happened in Kensi's room," she replied.

"And what would that be?" Hetty always prided herself on knowing everything almost before it happened, so she was not pleased that she was hearing about something important after the fact.

The nurse told her about Deeks' fight with Granger's men that had taken place in Kensi's room and about the additional gossip she had heard that two agents had shoved Deeks into the wall outside Kensi's room and put him in handcuffs. Hetty and Callen listened in stunned silence until the very end, when the nurse reported the smile on Deeks' face as he was pushed down the hall and into the elevator.

"Everyone on the staff is shocked," the young woman said. "We all really like Mr. Deeks. I know it's none of my business, but is Mr. Deeks going to be all right? He's not going to jail is he?"

"Not if I have anything to say about it," Hetty replied. Her anger was visible and the young nurse smiled nervously and quickly left.

"What the hell is Granger doing, Hetty?" Callen asked with exasperation. "Why did he put Deeks in custody?"

"He's trying to blame this whole debacle on Mr. Deeks," she said angrily. "And I think he's attempting to get rid of me in the process."

"He's staging a coup, Hetty?" Callen struggled with that possibility. His mind was still muddled, but he knew Granger's devious nature and the thought that Hetty might be replaced made him very angry.

"I think it's what he's had in mind since he got here," Hetty said.

"Will Director Vance let him do this?" Callen asked, growing agitated as he spoke.

"Don't let this upset you, Mr. Callen," Hetty said. "I'm more worried about Mr. Deeks, than about myself. Lee Chao almost killed him last night and he's wounded and alone and obviously not handling that too well. Now Granger is making his move against me and I'm afraid Mr. Deeks will be caught in the middle."

"Hetty, this was not Deeks' fault," Callen said earnestly. "Vance has to know that, even if Granger won't acknowledge it."

"I intend to make them both acknowledge that, Mr. Callen," Hetty said as she took her phone out of her pocket.

She patted Callen's shoulder and turned and walked from the room, her hand visibly shaking as she gripped her phone. Once she was in the hallway she leaned against the wall and took deep breaths until her anger cooled somewhat. Her battle with Granger had been simmering for years, but it wasn't until he was made Assistant Director that he had the political power to try and topple her. Their history together crowded into her mind and she had known what kind of man he was for a long time, but now he was using a devastating incident to his advantage and it made her blood boil. She knew he didn't care what happened to her team and she knew he had never liked Mr. Deeks; so using him to bring her down wouldn't faze him. That all of them would be caught in his political crossfire made her determination to stop him even stronger.

"Where are you holding him, Owen?" Hetty said sharply into the phone.

"I was wondering when you'd call Henrietta," Granger said lightly. "He's close by, but out of my hair until I can wrap up this mess."

"I want to see him, now," She replied, unable to keep the venom from her voice.

"I really don't see that happening, Henrietta," Granger said, clearly enjoying his hold over her.

"He's a member of my team, Owen," she said slowly, "and unless I'm mistaken, I'm still the Operations Manager and I demand to see my agent." Her voice was loud and firm as she waited for his reply.

"Your Mr. Deeks attacked one of my agents, Hetty," Granger said. "I can have his badge for that and you know it. He screwed up this whole operation and I had to find those RPGs on my own with help from an FBI agent I put in place, just for this contingency."

"Bullcrap, Owen," Hetty said forcefully. "You couldn't find your butt if it was attached to your ass and you were sitting on it. Now, when can I see Mr. Deeks?"

"I'll get back to you, Ms. Lange," Granger growled and hung up.

"You weaselly bastard!" Hetty yelled into the dead line.

After a few more deep breaths, she punched in Director Vance's number and fought for control.

"Leon, are you aware of what your Assistant Director is doing?" Hetty asked.

"Calm down, Hetty," Vance said slowly, hearing the anger in her voice. "Someone has to run things while you help your team get back on their feet."

"Run things? He ran my agent down and took him into custody in handcuffs," Hetty said vehemently. "And he did it with your authorization."

"Hetty, Agent Deeks went rogue. Granger had no choice." Vance said.

"Do you believe everything that man tells you, Leon?" Hetty asked incredulously. "You, of all people, should know better than that. Mr. Deeks is my agent and he was under my orders. How is that going rogue?"

"Be careful, Hetty. If Deeks truly is responsible for this botched operation and he was under your orders, he could take you down with him." Vance said quietly.

"Is that a threat, Leon? Mr. Deeks has been doing his job under extraordinary circumstances and without backup ever since the op was blown," Hetty said. "He saw his team almost killed right in front of him and yet he continued to do his job."

"Hetty, I know you're fond of him, but you may be too close to this to see the truth," Vance said.

"The truth as I see it, Leon, is that Granger wants me gone and he's willing to blame this whole thing on Mr. Deeks just so he can make that happen." Hetty said.

"Hetty, don't you think you're being a bit paranoid?" the director asked with a small laugh.

"You know good and well, that in our line of work it pays to be paranoid," Hetty said. "And if I were you, Leon, I'd watch my back. He'll be coming for your job next."

"Are you trying to scare me, Hetty?" Vance asked.

"I'm trying to see my agent," Hetty said. "Surely you can grant that request, or has he taken that authority away from you already?"

"I'll get back to you with a location," Vance said and cut the connection.

She knew she had made him mad, but she was getting a little tired of the game Granger was playing and she wanted to wake up Leon Vance to his game plan. She was still surprised he couldn't see it, but Granger was a clever little weasel and good at playing his cards right, but she was pretty sure her comments would get her in to see Deeks, and that was all she wanted for now.

...

Deeks opened his eyes as soon as he heard the doorknob turn. He pushed himself back further into the corner and waited, his hands almost numb now from the hours he had spent in the tight cuffs. He shook his head quickly, trying to clear the fog from his brain, and only relaxed slightly when he saw it was Pearson instead of Scott entering the room. The agent had a bottle of water in his hand and a slightly embarrassed look on his face.

"I would have checked on you sooner, but Agent Scott wouldn't let me," Pearson said. "He's the senior agent and my training officer. He's off with Assistant Director Granger, so I thought you might like some water."

Deeks didn't have the energy or desire to speak so he just watched the agent. The young man knelt down next to him and helped him drink before noticing the blood soaking Deeks' leg.

"Shit, You're bleeding," Pearson said softly. "I'll get the first aid kit."

"I think the stitches were ripped open," Deeks said. "How are you with a needle and thread?"

Pearson went a little green at his comment, and Deeks guessed a tight bandage was all he was going to get, not that he minded. He wasn't overly fond of needles, especially in the hands of someone who was so obviously nervous as Agent Pearson. He returned and quickly had the leg bandaged tightly and then helped him take a couple of aspirin for the pain.

"Thanks," Deeks said as he closed his eyes.

"I could loosen those cuffs for you," Pearson said, licking his lips nervously and looking back toward the door.

"I'd appreciate that, but I don't want you to get in trouble with your training officer," Deeks said with a slight grin.

"Oh hell, I'm always in trouble with that guy," Pearson said with a smile. "He's kind of a prick."

"Kind of?" Deeks said, his smile growing as the agent gently loosened the cuffs.

"Yeah, well, most of the time he just rides my ass," Pearson said.

"He'd probably tell you not to come this close to a man in custody," Deeks said softly, closing his eyes again. "And he'd be right."

"But you're one of us," Pearson said as he stood up and stepped back warily.

"Yeah, I am," Deeks said. "But don't assume anything about a suspect who acts friendly and don't do what you just did without your partner to back you up. It could get you killed."

"Got it, thanks," Pearson said as he backed toward the door.

"Don't worry, I won't tell the prick you loosened my cuffs," Deeks said. "And thanks, Pearson. I appreciate the kindness."

Deeks slept a little after Pearson left, waking only when he heard voices coming from the living room. He recognized Granger's voice and the angry sound of Scott berating the younger agent. Deeks thought Pearson had probably told him what he had done and Deeks shook his head in disbelief that the young agent would be so honest to his own detriment.

The door burst open and Scott limped in, anger visible on his face. He yanked Deeks to his feet and hustled him toward the door. He was pushed in front of Granger who scrutinized him carefully, his face a hard mask, cold and analytical. His eyes came to rest on the blood soaked bandage on his leg and his eyes darted darkly at Scott who was holding Deeks firmly in place.

"What happened to your leg, Agent Deeks?" Granger asked, a look of distrust in his eyes.

"I didn't think you cared, Assistant Director," Deeks said with an obnoxious lilt in his voice.

"I don't," Granger said. "But I'm wondering if I didn't see you last night. You were there, by the dock, weren't you?"

"Pretty good eyesight for an old guy," Deeks said calmly.

"Watch your mouth," Scott said, twisting Deeks' arms painfully up behind him.

"You know you're an asshole, right Scott?" Deeks said quickly with a grimace.

"Answer my question, Agent Deeks," Granger demanded.

"What difference does it make? You have the RPGs and the glory," Deeks said quietly. "What more do you want?"

"Your badge, Mr. Deeks," Granger smiled coldly.

Deeks was stunned as Granger walked to the table and pulled out a sheet of paper. He examined it closely for a few seconds before signing it. Then he held it up in front of Deeks' face and smiled.

"As of this second, Mr. Deeks, you are no longer an agent with NCIS," Granger said. "Your contract has been terminated and you are no longer in custody. You will no longer have access to NCIS intel or to its staff. Hetty will be arriving shortly and can take you wherever it is you have to go."

"You're firing me for doing my job?" Deeks asked in shock.

"I'm firing you because you're a screw-up who should never have been given this job in the first place," Granger said taking a step closer to him. "I'm firing you because you didn't follow my orders and because you botched this assignment and got men killed because of your shoddy intelligence. You put your own team in danger and I'm not sure if it was in error or if it was intentional, but you almost got them all killed."

Deeks lunged toward Granger, his face raw with rage.

"You lying son-of-a-bitch," Deeks screamed in Granger's face.

Scott jerked him back hard and then swept his legs out from under him and shoved him face down onto the floor, kneeling on his back as he struggled, his eyes filled with angry tears of denial and rage.

"Get off of him," Hetty's voice cut through the room and they all turned to look at her as she entered.

"Director Vance said you'd be coming, Henrietta," Granger said with an ingratiating smile. "Come to pick up your favorite boy?"

"Let Mr. Deeks up now, agent, or I'll kick your ass," Hetty said, ignoring Granger and staring daggers at Agent Scott.

"Do as she says," Granger ordered and Scott got up and stood over Deeks with a currish look on his face.

Pearson helped Deeks to his feet and looked to see if he was allowed to uncuff him, and when Granger nodded, he quickly removed the cuffs and stepped back uncertainly from him.

"He's free to go, Henrietta," Granger said. "And Mr. Deeks, I'll need your badge before you leave."

Hetty turned a questioning look at Granger and then at Deeks.

"He fired me Hetty," Deeks looked distraught and defeated and her heart broke for him as he handed over his badge.

"You will be proved wrong on this, Owen," Hetty said as she took Deeks' arm and urged him toward the door. "You have made a grave miscalculation and you will pay for it."

"He's not worthy of your loyalty, Henrietta," Granger answered. "OSP will be stronger without him."

"Sometimes, you're just not very bright, Owen," Hetty said as she followed Deeks out the door, but then she turned back to fix him with a stare.

"This isn't over, you know," Hetty said, her face rigid and her look lethal. "You may have won this round, but the bout is far from over."

"You'll lose, Hetty," Granger said smugly.

"Don't bet your life on it, Owen," Hetty replied.

…


	12. Chapter 12

**Judgement: Chapter 12**

...

Deeks knew Hetty was speaking to him, but he didn't hear the words and couldn't make any sense out of what she was saying. All he heard was a roaring in his ears, blocking out everything, his eyes narrowing into a tunnel of grey fog that held only a vague light at the end. He could feel his heart beating, but it felt slow and lethargic and his breathing was so shallow he wasn't even sure he was getting enough air. A sheen of cold sweat coated his body and face and he felt himself quiver with chills. He momentarily looked down at his hands and saw the raw marks that circled his wrists where the cuffs had been and his stomach began to churn. He tried to say something, but nothing came out, so he sat quietly, unmoving as Hetty pulled into the emergency bay at the hospital. He felt hands pulling him out of the car and he didn't resist, walking calmly into the ER and obeying what he thought they wanted him to do. He felt no pain as they put new stitches in the wound in his leg, but didn't answer the questions asked by the doctor, staring uncomprehendingly back at the man until he saw him shake his head and leave. He lay unmoving on the gurney, letting his mind wander, nothing staying for long in his thoughts, and he wondered if he was going insane. He felt so exhausted he couldn't make even the smallest attempt to sit up, so he just lay still, staring blankly at the ceiling until he felt someone lift his arm and then a tiny prick of pain and then blessed darkness.

...

Hetty sat solemnly next to his bed, listening to Deeks breathe. It was almost four in the morning now and she ignored every one of the three phone calls and the two demanding text messages from Director Vance. She was much too angry to even give him the time of day, let alone have a long conversation with him. She blamed him for what Granger had just done, and she wouldn't let him off the hook easily. Her anger spiked just thinking about it.

"Hello Ms. Lange," Marcie said as she entered the dimly lit room. "I heard he was here and I wanted to see how he was doing."

"It's good to see you, Marcie," Hetty said, glad for the company.

"I talked to the doctor who admitted him. He sedated him pretty heavily." Marcie said as she stepped up to the bed to get a closer look at him and check his IV. "What the hell happened to make him shut down like that?"

"I think it was the proverbial 'last straw'," Hetty said sadly. "He's been running on pure adrenaline for a week, was wounded and almost killed last night and today received an unwarranted shock that pushed him over the edge."

"It's hard to see him hit rock bottom like this. He was always so intense every time I saw him," Marcie said softly as she took his pulse. "But, his body is telling him he needs the rest."

"Yes. He's been carrying a lot on his shoulders and he's completely exhausted, in body, mind and in spirit." Hetty said quietly.

"His colleagues have been asking about him, especially Miss Blye, but I didn't tell them what happened," Marcie said, turning to look kindly at the older woman. "They're all making good progress, especially Mr. Callen. He'd like to see you. I'll stay with Marty if you want to go visit him."

"Thanks, Marcie," Hetty stood then and walked over and stared down at her former agent and suddenly her eyes filled with tears. He didn't deserve this, and she had no words to comfort him with when he woke, only a pledge to fight for his reinstatement and a vow that she would not stop fighting for him until he was exonerated and back where he belonged. She gripped his arm briefly before turning and walking out, leaving him with a stranger, a caring one, but still a stranger.

...

Hetty wasn't surprised Callen was awake at this early hour. It was actually rather comforting to her, because it was something so normal for him and she appreciated that sense of normalcy right now. She didn't plan on telling him what Granger had done, because she was afraid it would agitate him and she knew he would want to be involved in the solution and it was way too soon for that. But Callen knew her too well and she couldn't escape his probing look as she entered his room. He had always had a sixth sense about people, especially people he was close to and it was working overtime as he watched her closely.

"What's wrong Hetty?" Callen asked knowingly.

"I'm not in the mood to be interrogated, Mr. Callen," Hetty said stiffly.

"Then just tell me what's wrong." Callen's ice blue eyes locked her in a stare and she knew she didn't have the energy to resist him, especially not now.

"You look terrible," Callen said softly, a hint of worry in his tone of voice.

"Thank you for the astute but unkind observation, Mr. Callen," Hetty said as she sat down in the chair by his bed.

"Is Sam okay?" Callen asked and she heard the touch of fear in his voice.

"Mr. Hanna is doing better, Mr. Callen," Hetty said, chastising herself for forgetting he would think first of his partner.

"And Kensi?" Callen asked.

"She spoke a few words last night," Hetty said with a smile, "So the doctor is encouraged."

"That leaves Deeks," Callen's eyes sharpened as he spoke.

Hetty fought to control the sudden anger that rose from deep within her and she realized she couldn't keep it bottled up or she would explode. She needed someone to talk to, someone who would understand and who would give her knowledgeable opinions and a fresh point of view. She needed her Senior Agent, even if he was only operating at twenty-five percent, he was still a sympathetic sounding board and she could use that right now.

"Granger fired Mr. Deeks," Hetty said softly.

"What?" Why? What possible reason could he have for doing that?" Callen swallowed hard as he watched Hetty look away and he knew there was more. "Where is he, Hetty? Where's Deeks?"

"He was admitted to the hospital last night," Hetty said, letting out a long sigh.

"What happened?" Callen's voice was rough and she saw anger and concern flash in his eyes.

"I shouldn't be burdening you with this," Hetty said as she shook her head, worried that she had made a mistake in telling him, knowing that he wouldn't let it go. Deeks had been the last member of the team still standing, and to see him go down might be too much for Callen to handle. It might be too much for all of them to handle. He was their symbol that they were still a functioning team, but now that had been taken away from them and she wasn't sure what that would do to them.

"Hetty, I need to know. It's still my team," he said firmly.

"He shut down, Mr. Callen. After I got him out of there, his face just went blank," Hetty shivered as she recalled that look on his face. "He didn't say anything. He wasn't angry, he was completely devastated."

"That isn't the only reason you brought him to the hospital, is it?" Callen asked and she could tell he knew there was something she was holding back.

"They roughed him up a bit while they had him in custody," she said. "They had him handcuffed and one of the agents had him pinned to the floor when I arrived and the wound in his leg was bleeding badly."

Hetty saw such raw anger on Callen's face that she stood and went to him, gently putting her hand on his arm, hoping to calm him. They both took a moment and she watched as Callen slowly got control of himself.

"Is he okay, Hetty?" Callen asked softly.

"He's been sedated, Mr. Callen," Hetty replied. "He's been carrying so much anger and rage that it kept him going for awhile. He wasn't sleeping or eating either. He worked the case in spite of being deeply afraid that you all might die. What happened to all of you almost shattered him, Callen. We are the people he is closest to in this world and he was in agony watching you fight for your lives. Then, when he saw you wake up and then Sam and finally Kensi, he thought he had gotten his family back."

"And then Granger fired him," Callen said as he stared solemnly at the far wall.

"Yes. In an instant you were all taken away from him," she said. "Granger separated him from all of you and it was the one thing he couldn't handle and it finally overwhelmed him."

"He needs to know we won't let this happen to him, Hetty," Callen said. "He needs to know we won't let him go without a fight."

She saw the steely resolved she had always prized in him and she was suddenly buoyed with hope. Her team might be wounded, but all animals are most dangerous when they are wounded and backed into a corner. Granger will have a fight on his hands that he isn't expecting. He thought he had gotten rid of the weakest link, but he would be surprised to know her team didn't think of Mr. Deeks that way. They cared about him and they would defend him because he was one of their own.

"Is Granger trying to destroy this team, Hetty?" Callen asked.

"I know he wants to take me out, Mr. Callen," Hetty replied. "But, I think he wants to keep your team because you are the best and he knows it. You will make him look good."

"But not Deeks," Callen said sadly. "He doesn't get it, does he Hetty? Deeks made us a better team. Even Sam believes that, even though it took him a while to admit it."

"Granger never wanted Deeks on your team, remember?" Hetty said. "And when Director Vance overruled his recommendation, I think he started looking for any excuse he could find to get rid of him."

"And Lee Chao gave it to him," Callen said. "Hetty, does Director Vance approve of what Granger did?"

"I'm afraid I haven't spoken to the director," Hetty said, "I'm still too angry to answer his calls."

Callen finally smiled at that.

"Do you think he'll talk to me about it?" Callen asked.

"I'll let you know, after I talk to him, Mr. Callen," Hetty said.

"Will you tell Sam, or should I send him a note?" he asked.

"Sam needs to recover and I don't think hearing what happened to Mr. Deeks will help him do that," Hetty said. "No, this will take some time, Mr. Callen, so please be patient."

"You know I'm not good at that," he answered.

"Think of it as lying in wait," she said. "We'll pounce on Granger when we have the proper ammunition."

"Let Deeks know I'm not going to let this be, Hetty," Callen said. "I still consider him one of my team and that I will do anything it takes to get him back."

She patted his arm and then left the room, stopping to see how Sam and Kensi were along the way, before heading back toward Deeks' room. She thought about the FBI agent Granger had put in place to monitor Deeks during his assignment, remembering that Deeks had spoken warmly about the agent. She thought they might have made a connection during their brief working relationship and she began to wonder if he might shed some light on the situation. She decided to make some calls and turned toward the cafeteria for a quick cup of tea.

She settled quietly at a table in the far corner of the room and nursed her tea as she let the events of the past twenty-four hours run through her mind. She knew a lot of people in most of the federal agencies and she knew just who owed her a favor and who was the most likely to pay up. One of those people was the Executive Assistant Director of the National Security Branch of the FBI. He owed her and he owed her big time and she was about to collect.

"Hello Roger," she said settling back with a small smile on her face.

"I can hear you smiling, Hetty," Roger Stinson said with a laugh. "What can I do for you?"

"I want to collect, Roger," she answered.

"Shit, Hetty, that was a long time ago. I thought you would have forgotten by now," he said with a deep sigh.

"How's your family, Roger?" Hetty asked. "Surely they haven't forgotten."

"None of us have, Hetty," he replied softly. "Whatever you need, you've got it."

"I need to talk to a certain FBI undercover agent that you loaned to Owen Granger," Hetty said.

"You two still at each other's throats?" he asked.

"Some things never change, Roger. But this time he has hurt one of my agents to get at me, and I don't take kindly to that," Hetty said and her anger was palpable.

"He always was an asshole, Hetty," Roger Stinson said. "I'll debrief the agent myself and send him to you so you can interview him personally. Just let my secretary know where you are."

"Thank you, Roger," Hetty said quietly. "Consider your debt paid."

"Hetty, that debt will never be paid," he replied.

Hetty silently finished her tea and took a deep breath as she prepared to do battle for her agent. Owen Granger would discover he didn't have as many friends as he thought he did.

...


	13. Chapter 13

**Judgement: Chapter 13**

...

He woke slowly, barely opening his eyes as he tried to determine where he was. He felt as if he was moving in slow motion, his body sluggish and somewhat numb as he struggled to sit up. He wondered if he had been drugged and that confused him. Why would someone drug him? He hadn't been working undercover as a drug dealer, or had he? His mind wasn't sharp just foggy and dim, his thoughts slow to form. He managed to pull himself up on his pillow and then noticed he was attached to an IV. Realizing he was in a hospital started to give him some clarity, but he had no recollection as to why he was there. He drifted back into a restive sleep, but woke as someone entered the room.

"You awake?" The nurse asked as she busied herself changing his IV bag and taking his pulse and blood pressure.

"Why am I here?" He asked, still groggy.

"The doctor will be in to see you shortly Mr. Deeks, and you can ask him," The nurse refilled his water pitcher and then smiled at him and left.

He was very thirsty and was on his second glass of water when his hand began to shake. He put down the glass and tried to steady himself as images started to crowd his mind. Then the memories came and his heart began to thunder in his ears. Granger had fired him. The son-of-a-bitch had fired him and a feeling of helplessness gripped him and he began to have trouble catching his breath. He wouldn't be part of the team anymore. He wouldn't be Kensi's partner. He wouldn't be there to back her up when she needed him. He would be alone again, separated from the only people he cared about and who cared about him and he threw the glass of water against the wall as sudden, uncontrollable anger coursed through his body.

He rested for all of one minute before yanking the IV line out of his arm and getting out of the bed. He quickly dressed and was putting on his shoes when the doctor came in.

"What are you doing, Mr. Deeks?" The doctor asked.

"What does it look like I'm doing?" Deeks got up and brusquely pushed past the stunned doctor and walked out the door with the doctor right behind him.

"You really should give yourself time to..." the doctor never got a chance to finish as Deeks turned and shouted angrily in his face.

"To do what? Get over being drugged by you?" Then he shook his head and left the doctor standing there.

He made his way to the cafeteria and got the largest coffee they had, trying to counteract the sedatives that were still in his system, but he couldn't shake the anger that filled him or the feeling of emptiness that went with it. He had underestimated Granger. He had been so focused on finding the weapons and Lee Chao that he hadn't realized how much Granger wanted him gone and it had cost him everything. That realization shook him and he had to grip the edge of the table to steady himself. A heavy feeling of depression shrouded his mind as he realized that the future he had visualized was now nothing but ashes and he really had no idea what to do or where to go.

"Mr. Deeks," Hetty said as she came to stand next to him. "You frightened that nice young doctor."

"He drugged me Hetty," he said listlessly.

"You had shut down, Mr. Deeks," Hetty said kindly as she sat down across from him. "You weren't functioning mentally or physically and you were completely exhausted. You needed to rest and your body needed to recharge. The doctor only did what he thought was best for you."

"What am I going to do, Hetty?" He asked as he stared unseeing into his coffee. "Where do I go from here?"

"Think of this as a brief vacation, Mr. Deeks," Hetty said softly. "This isn't over. The battle has really just begun, or I should say, I've just begun to fight. Did you think I wouldn't fight for you, Mr. Deeks?"

"I would never doubt you, Hetty, but now, I have no authority to go after Lee Chao," Deeks said and his anger spiked once again and Hetty saw how raw his emotions were and knew he was on the edge of losing it.

"Go be with Kensi, Mr. Deeks," Hetty said patting his hand. "Let me take point for a while. You've earned a rest and Kensi needs your encouragement and help as she recovers."

"What about Lee Chao?" Deeks asked, his voice low and filled with contempt.

"Right now, he's Granger's problem," Hetty said.

"I wanted to be the one to get him, Hetty" Deeks said. "I wanted to do it for Kensi, Callen and Sam, for what he did to them, and Granger took that away. He took everything away from me."

His anguish was tangible and heartbreaking and she gripped his arm as her own anger surfaced.

"You are not alone, Mr. Deeks," Hetty told him firmly. "We will all fight to get you back and you have to believe we will be successful."

"Sure, Hetty," Deeks said softly, but he didn't sound as if he believed it.

He stood up then and smiled sadly at her before heading for the door. She knew he had survived some terrifying times in his life, and she knew he was strong because of it, but at that moment she feared for him. Her anger at what Granger had done to him almost choked her and she took a deep breath before calling Nell.

"I'm putting you on hold until I'm in a secure location," Nell said and the line went silent. When she came back on her voice was low and tinged with confusion.

"Hetty, what's going on?" Nell asked. "Granger came in this morning and introduced a new agent named Richard Scott. He said he was replacing Deeks. Is he okay, Hetty? Granger wouldn't give us any details."

"Granger fired Mr. Deeks last night," Hetty told her.

"But why would he do that?" she asked reasonably. "What reason could he possibly have, especially since Deeks knows so much about Lee Chao?"

"I'm afraid he's been wanting to get rid of Mr. Deeks for a long time," Hetty said. "I believe it's part of a larger plan."

"Hetty, this new guy gives me the creeps. And he's rude and arrogant," Nell said furiously. "He spoke to Eric and I like we were children, and when Eric asked how everyone was doing, he just said Deeks probably wasn't feeling so good. What did he mean by that, Hetty?"

"Things got physical, Nell," Hetty said.

"Did he hurt him?" Nell asked quietly.

"Not as badly as what Granger did by firing him, but yes he did, a little," Hetty said.

"What can we do to help, Hetty?" Nell asked, her anger noticeable in her tightly controlled voice.

"Keep me informed about both of them, especially their whereabouts," Hetty replied. "But be careful. I don't want Granger to know and I don't want either one of you to get in trouble. Also, give me everything you can find on my 'new' agent, and I mean everything. That little pissant needs a lesson in manners and I'm going to make sure he gets one."

"You've got it," Nell said enthusiastically.

"One more thing Nell," Hetty said. "I need records and information on an FBI Agent named Joseph P. Atwood. Roger Stinson's secretary at the FBI said he would be coming my way later today."

"Hetty, please give all of them our best, especially Deeks," Nell said softly. "Eric is so upset right now, he can barely speak. He already hates the new guy, and it was all I could do to convince him not to hack the guy's computer and screw with him."

"I will let them all know you are thinking about them," Hetty replied. "And please try and control Mr. Beale's hacker mentality. His time will come."

"Hetty, will we ever get Deeks back?" Nell sounded sad as she spoke.

"That is the plan, Nell," Hetty said. "Now get me what I need and stay under the radar doing it."

"Yes, ma'am," Nell said and ended the call.

Hetty felt her body tremble with simmering anger at the nerve of Owen Granger. That he had already replaced Mr. Deeks with one of his own without discussing it with her made her sure that he was looking to replace her as well, and she wondered if Leon Vance was in on that plan. She didn't want to believe that, but she wasn't ready to discount the possibility just yet. There was always politics in the game they all played, especially at the level in which they operated and both men were very good at it. But she had been playing the game a lot longer than either one of them and she still had a few tricks they didn't know about and many friends in very high places in the intelligence community who were beholden to her and she knew how to use those assets. She had gone up against men more ruthless than Owen Granger and come out on top and she wasn't afraid to play dirty. Now that Granger had shown his hand, she was ready to take the gloves off and show him what a terrible mistake he had made. He had put his own political ambition above taking down a deadly arms dealer with ties to terrorists and that would be his undoing. She would see to that.

...

When Deeks entered Kensi's room she was sleeping and he sat down next to her and gently took her hand. He laid his forehead on the back of her hand, letting her cool, silky skin calm him. He gently kissed her fingers and then pulled her hand to his chest until it rested over his heart and he held it there, closing his eyes as images of their time together filled his head. He couldn't imagine life without her. He couldn't imagine not working with her every day, joking with her and watching her smile when she got the better of some bad guy they'd been chasing. She loved to win any competition and he had been proud of her whenever she did, even if it was against him. He would never be completely out of her life, but now he wouldn't be there to help her when she was in danger and that angered him most of all.

"Deeks?" her voice was so soft he almost missed hearing her. When he looked up, she had a sweet smile on her face and the bruising around her eyes had faded slightly.

"Hi beautiful girl," Deeks stood and reached out to tenderly touch her cheek and she turned her head and kissed his fingers and he felt a thrill shoot through his body.

"I miss you, Marty." Her words no longer slurred and he felt his heart fill with gratitude that she was able to finally speak clearly. She never said much, but he didn't mind, hearing her voice was enough for him.

"I'll be here with you for a while," he told her. "So we can talk and tell jokes. Whatever you want."

"I want a donut," she said and he laughed out loud and tears watered his eyes.

"What else is new, Fern?" Deeks said.

"Who's Fern?" Kensi asked with a frown and the smile left Deeks' face.

He didn't know if he should tell her about the time he gave her that nickname or just let it pass. He didn't want to upset her and he knew it would bother her that she couldn't remember, so he ignored the question.

"I don't think the doctor will let you have a donut just yet, but when he does, what kind do you want?" He knew what her favorites were, but he wanted her to talk and see what she would say.

Her brow creased as she searched for the answer, finally smiling as she spoke.

"A white one," she said and then frowned. "They have white ones, right?"

"You always like the messy ones," he smiled and her face lit up, proud of herself for saying the right thing.

He sat with her and they talked a little, but mostly they simply held hands and relished their time together. He knew he had to be patient with her, and now he had all the time he needed and he decided he would spend it here, helping her remember and get better.

...

Hetty had spent the afternoon reconnecting with old friends via the phone and email. They all knew what had happened to her team and offered whatever assistance she might need and she told them she would hold them to that and might be collecting soon. She had received the files on Agent Richard Scott and she wanted to kiss Eric and Nell on both cheeks when she saw what they had discovered. The files they sent on FBI Agent Joe Atwood were what she'd expected and a little more. He was due to meet her shortly in the cafeteria, so she got herself a pot of tea and settled in to wait.

She saw him walk in, his left arm held close to his body. He was tall and muscular and carried himself with military bearing, his soft brown hair short but wavy. His face was kind and she noticed the stitches that still traced his forehead.

"You must be Hetty," Joe said, almost saluting her. "Deeks spoke highly of you."

"As he did of you, Mr. Atwood," Hetty said, motioning for him to sit down. "Or should I call you Phil?"

"I couldn't break Deeks of calling me that, so you can call me that too, if it would be easier," Joe laughed. "Will he be joining us? I kind of miss hearing his smart ass comments."

"He's visiting Kensi," Hetty said with a small smile. "I wanted a private meeting with you Mr. Atwood. I need you to tell me about your time with Mr. Deeks and your experience with Assistant Director Granger. Let me say, agent, that I want total honesty from you, not kiss ass responses. Do I make myself clear?"

"Yes, ma'am, loud and clear," Joe answered with surprised look on his face.

"Good, now let me inform you that I have read your file and I'm quite impressed with your service record," Hetty began. "A see you were awarded a Bronze Star with a 'V' for Valor in Afghanistan."

"Yes ma'am," Joe answered and began to squirm just a little. "I hope that's all you dug up on me, Ms. Lange."

"Not even close, Mr. Atwood," Hetty said with a sly grin. "And please call me Hetty."

"You won't turn me over to the military police will you, Hetty?" Joe said. "I was very young when some of that stuff happened and if Deeks knows about it, he'll never let me hear the end of it."

"Mr. Deeks has other things on his mind right now," Hetty said.

"Is he okay?" Joe leaned forward and she could see the concern on his face.

"You two seemed to have forged quite a bond during your brief time together, Mr. Atwood," Hetty said, watching him closely.

"He didn't trust me at all, at first," Joe said. "He warmed up to me a little when I told him Granger was a jackass, excuse my French."

"I'm quite partial to French, Mr. Atwood," Hetty said, "And I think jackass is putting it mildly. Granger fired Mr. Deeks last night."

"What the fuck?" Joe was so shocked he forgot to apologize for his language. "Why in hell did he do that?"

"They have history and Mr. Deeks didn't play by his rules," Hetty said, pleased by his vehement reaction.

"We would never have recovered those RPGs without him, Hetty," Joe said. "Did he tell you he saved my life twice within five minutes and then pulled me out of the river after the explosion?"

"No, he did not, Mr. Atwood," Hetty said shaking her head.

"Do you know why I received the Bronze Star?" Joe asked quietly. "I pulled two of my men out of a burning Humvee after we hit an IED. If we had been in a war zone that night, Deeks would be entitled to the same consideration."

"Thank you for that, Mr. Atwood," Hetty said quietly. "Granger believes that Deeks was somehow responsible for Lee Chao's attack on my team. Can you shed any light on why he might think that? Did you give him that idea?"

"I have no idea why he thinks that, and if he does, it didn't come from me," Joe said angrily. "I had a partner on this assignment and he was tailing Lee Chao that day. He got made, Hetty."

"Did you give Granger that information?" Hetty asked.

"It's in my report and it's in my partner's report," Joe said solemnly. "My partner has resigned because of it. I want Deeks to know that."

"And when did Granger have access to your report?" Hetty asked.

"I told Deeks I would try and hold it up for a couple of days, but they demanded that I file as soon as I got back to LA," Joe answered. " My boss had it yesterday afternoon, so I'm assuming Granger did too."

"That son-of-a-bitch," Hetty said.

"You do speak French," Joe said. "Hetty, I was debriefed this morning by Roger Stinson, the Assistant Director of the National Security Branch. He said to say hello. I told him everything I just told you and I also told him that Deeks is the best undercover operative I've ever worked with. He had me completely fooled by his alias in Locke and then I watched him transform himself into a cowboy who sold ranch land. I told Mr. Stinson we should try and steal him away from NCIS, because he would make a great addition to our Counterterrorism Division. He agreed, but didn't think you would give him up without a fight."

"What are you telling me Agent Atwood?" Hetty asked warily.

"Lee Chao's still out there, Hetty, and Deeks knows him better than anyone," Joe said as he stood to leave. "And thanks to Granger he's available. I've been authorized to offer him a position with the FBI.

...


	14. Chapter 14

**Judgement: Chapter 14**

...

"Hey dumb-ass, I'm back," Joe Atwood said softly as he entered Kensi's room. "Can you talk?"

"What are you doing here, Phil?" Deeks asked with surprise as he crossed the room and shook Joe's hand.

"If you don't start calling me Joe, I'm gonna start kickin' your ass, Deeks," Joe said with a big smile.

"You look like a Phil and my ass has been kick enough in the last two days," Deeks said, his smile fading, leaving a wounded look on his face. He turned back toward Kensi and saw her brow crease with concern.

"Marty, who is he?" Kensi asked, her eyes flashing darkly.

"It's okay, Kens," Deeks said quickly when he saw the protective look on her face.

"I could shoot him Marty," she said, looking very serious.

"Not necessary, Miss Blye," Joe said. "But just in case you have a gun, how good a shot are you?"

"The best," She answered. She looked over at Deeks for confirmation and when she saw him smile and laugh lightly, she frowned and Deeks could tell she was angry with him for acting like he disagreed.

"You know I am, Marty Deeks," she said stubbornly, slurring her words slightly.

"Yes you are, Kens, but Joe is on our side, so I'm safe," Deeks said and slowly massaged her shoulder until she relaxed.

"I'm sorry, my name is Joe Atwood. I'm with the FBI," Joe spoke quietly and offered his hand, which Kensi took and held briefly. His eyes quickly scanned the dark bruises and lines of stitches that tracked across both arms, some covered with bandages and some not. He took in the bandage that swathed her head and noted the many nicks and cuts that etched her face until his eyes finally settled on hers and he saw her level a curious gaze at him and he smiled.

"Deeks didn't tell me you were beautiful," Joe said and got a warm smile in return.

"Back off FBI boy," Deeks said, pushing him slightly off-balance.

"Seriously, what do you see in this guy?" Joe asked with a laugh.

"Everything," Kensi said and took Deeks' hand as she laid her head back on the pillow and closed her eyes.

The two men stood silently as Kensi drifted into sleep. Deeks gently laid her hand down and pulled the blanket over her, covering her scarred arms. He touched her cheek lightly with the back of his fingers before turning away and motioning Joe toward the door.

"God, Deeks, she's incredible," Joe said shaking his head. "She was trying to protect you even though she can barely speak."

"You have to see her when she's at full strength," Deeks said. "She'll kick your ass and smile while she's doing it."

"That I believe," Joe said, "Just don't let her shoot me."

"Then be nice to me, buddy." Deeks said with a short laugh, before sobering and staring suspiciously at The FBI Agent. "Why are you here, Joe?"

"Hetty asked me to come," Joe said as they walked down the hall. "I know Granger fired you. He's more of an asshole than I thought. I don't understand why he would do that to you, man."

"We have history," Deeks said and started to walk toward Sam's room. "What did Hetty want?"

"It was kind of a debrief on our time together," he said. "I think she's on a fact finding mission to discover what Granger knew and when. She's fighting for you Deeks and I have a feeling she's good at it."

"Maybe, but it doesn't change the fact that Granger cut me out," Deeks said sadly. "You met Kensi and now I want you to meet Sam and Callen. Then you'll understand what Granger took away from me."

"I know what they mean to you," Joe said sympathetically, "But what I don't understand is why he would get rid of the one man who has intimate knowledge of Lee Chao."

"He has everything I know from my reports and from yours, as well as the intel Eric and Nell discovered," Deeks said as they paused outside the door to Sam's room. "I guess he figured he doesn't need me anymore."

"He's an idiot, Deeks. We both know that brains on the ground are better than cold words in a report," Joe said. "You know Lee Chao, you know how he thinks and what his tendencies are. That's valuable, Deeks, and you know it."

"Maybe he'll borrow you again," Deeks said, a fleeting smile on his lips.

"He won't get the chance. My director said no way," Joe said.

"He must have missed you. Sounds like he's jealous," Deeks said. "Does he have the hots for you, Joe?"

"Why do you have to be so annoying?" Joe asked as they walked into Sam's room.

"He doesn't know how to be any other way," Sam said softly. "Hey Deeks, good to see you buggin' someone else for a change."

"Hi Sam, meet Joe Atwood. Otherwise known as 'Phil, the FBI guy'," Deeks said.

"What are you doing with an FBI agent, Deeks?" Sam asked.

"Joe was undercover as Phil Beeler, looking into Lee Chao's activities in Locke," Deeks answered. "It's where we met."

"How did the FBI get involved in our case?" Sam said, glaring at Joe.

"Granger brought me in," Joe said quietly.

"Why?" Sam asked, sending a questioning look at Deeks.

Joe looked quickly over at Deeks, not sure how much he should reveal to Sam.

"Granger didn't trust me, Sam," Deeks said.

"So you were reporting on Deeks to Granger?" Sam's voice and face were filled with anger.

"No, Sam," Joe said quickly. "My partner and I had Lee Chao under surveillance. I didn't even know Deeks was there. In fact, I never made him as an agent until after the attack on you and your team."

"Joe and I worked together to secure the RPGs," Deeks said, trying to placate the angry former SEAL. "He's really not that bad, for an FBI Agent."

"What's that supposed to mean, wiseass?" Joe asked with a frown.

"It means our agencies don't exactly get along," Sam said, his voice finally returning to normal.

"Some of us are pretty nice guys," Joe said with a smile.

"Well, you must have a lot of patience and endurance to work with Deeks," Sam said with a smile as he looked over at Deeks. "Hope he didn't drive you too crazy."

"Actually, Sam, he saved my life a couple of times, so I was kinda glad to have him around," Joe said.

"If you weren't so incompetent, I wouldn't have had to save your ass," Deeks laughed.

"Sounds like you two made pretty good partners," Sam said. "Did Granger put you two together after the attack?"

"Granger didn't know we worked together until he read my report yesterday afternoon," Joe said, staring at Deeks.

"He had your report yesterday?" Deeks said softly, but anger darkened his eyes as he stared back at Joe.

"Yeah, he did, Deeks," Joe said. "And he knew my partner had gotten made by Lee Chao the day of the attack. He knew you weren't responsible for what happened and he fired you anyway."

"What?" Sam's voice boomed through the room as Deeks slammed his fist into the wall.

"Deeks?" Sam reached out for Deeks as he stood with his head against the wall. "Granger fired you?"

"Yeah, Sam. He told me he thought I had compromised the team and almost got you killed." Deeks said, turning to look at Sam. "But, he knew that wasn't true and it didn't matter."

"We won't let this stand Deeks," Sam said softly. "You're one of us, and I won't leave you behind, I don't care what that bastard Granger wants. I'll call Director Vance myself. He knows what an asset you are to this team."

"Thanks, Sam." Deeks said. "But, for now, I'm out."

"Don't you give up, Deeks," Sam said, breathing hard and gripping Deeks' arm so hard, he grimaced.

One of the Sam's monitors started to beep and Deeks realized that the news had shaken Sam and was physically affecting him and he silently cursed himself for burdening him with his problem. The door to the room opened and a couple of nurses rushed in to check on him and asked the two men to leave. As he stood in the hall, his emotions crashed down on him as he realized how much he valued Sam's friendship and loyalty, but most of all he knew he would miss his tough counsel.

"I'm sorry, man," Joe said anxiously. "I shouldn't have blurted that out in there. I wasn't thinking."

"It's my fault for not warning you, but, Sam's tough, just don't say anything in front of Kensi," Deeks cautioned. "I don't want to upset her right now."

"What about, Callen?" Joe asked. "Does he know?"

"I don't know." Deeks said, stopping to lean back against the wall. He stroked the stubble on his face with a shaking hand and closed his eyes.

"You okay?" Joe asked.

"No, I'm not." Deeks felt his emotions getting away from him and he tried his best not to think about what his life would be like without being in the company of such strong men as Sam and Callen. They had filled a deep need in his life that he hadn't realized was even missing until he'd met them and began to work closely with them. They had become like brothers to him. He wasn't sure they felt that close a kinship with him, but he knew that connection was lost the minute Granger had fired him and it was ripping him apart.

"Keep it together, man," Joe said.

"Yeah, right," Deeks shook his head and stepped away from the wall, pushing down his emotions as he headed for Callen's room.

When they entered, he wasn't surprised to see Hetty standing by his bed. He couldn't discern what they had been discussing, but the look on their faces made him hesitate. Callen was always hard to read, almost as bad as Hetty, but he could see the conflicting emotions on Callen's face and Hetty just looked resigned. Both of them looked angry.

"We've been waiting for you," Hetty said solemnly. "Callen, this is Agent Joe Atwood of the FBI. I'm afraid we've been talking about you Mr. Atwood."

Joe quickly moved to shake Callen's good right hand, not able to keep his eyes from glancing at the other arm, which was fully encased in plaster.

"I've heard a lot about you Mr. Callen," Joe said, somewhat shyly. "My Director asked me to give you his best. He said you worked together at the CIA, but he wouldn't tell me any good stories."

"The good ones are classified," Callen said coldly as his eyes bored into Joe. "Have you asked him yet?"

"What? No." Joe said, embarrassed and thrown completely off guard by the bluntness of the question.

"Ask who what?" Deeks asked as he watched the stare-down going on between the three others. "Seriously, what's going on?"

"Go ahead, Mr. Atwood, you're on," Hetty said softly.

Deeks looked totally confused at the demeanor of Hetty and Callen and turned to face a suddenly very serious FBI Agent, watching him take a deep breath as the temperature in the room seemed to drop to freezing.

"Deeks, I've been authorized to offer you a position as my partner with the Counterterrorism Division of the FBI, " Joe said.

Deeks just stared at him, saying nothing as he looked slowly from Joe to Hetty and then over at Callen before looking back at Joe.

"Is this why you came here?" Deeks asked. "To offer me a job?"

"Sounded like a good idea, since you don't have one," Joe said. "Listen, before you give me an answer and before these two shoot me where I stand, can I just state the obvious?"

"Please do, Mr. Atwood," Hetty responded, crossing her arms in front of her.

"I know you don't want to lose this guy," Joe said. "And, I don't blame you. I don't want to make his head any bigger than it already is, especially with the hair thing he's got going on and all, but he is one of the best undercover agents I've ever worked with. He knows this case and he knows Lee Chao and he has all the reasons in the world to want to bring that bastard in and three of them are in this hospital. He deserves a chance to finish this and you know it. Granger took that away from him. He took you all away from him, for no reason except to please himself. That was wrong, but it's the reality he's living with. I'm offering him a chance to use what he knows to get this guy, to bring this madman to justice and pay for what he did to you and to Sam and to Kensi."

"Is that all?" Callen asked with a slight smile.

"No, it's not. Do you really think Granger is going to catch this guy without him? Because I don't. Deeks was an asset to your team or you wouldn't have hired him in the first place, Hetty, and he wouldn't have stayed on your team, Callen, if he's the screw up Granger claims. I know our two agencies don't always get along, but this isn't about politics now, or which agency gets the glory, this is about getting a maniac off the streets who's arming terrorists and it's about saving lives. I'm offering him a chance to do what you all set out to do. The FBI wants him. NCIS doesn't."

Silence descended when he finished. No one spoke as they thought about what Joe had said. Then Hetty looked at each of them before looking back at Joe.

"Mr. Atwood, when all of this is over, you should come over to NCIS," Hetty said with a smile, "You're much too sharp for the FBI."

"Either that or become a traveling salesman or host one of those late night infomercial shows," Callen said laughing.

"I don't have a big head," Deeks said, grinning, "And I thought you liked my hair?"

As the laughter faded, Deeks looked at Hetty and then at Callen with a questioning look.

"Are you looking for our blessing, Mr. Deeks?" Hetty asked.

"Everything he said is true, Deeks," Callen said. "Especially the part about us not wanting to lose you. But, it's an opportunity for you to finish what we started and I think you've earned the right to do it with whoever you want. Granger threw you to the side of the road, Deeks, and you don't deserve that. I'll support whatever decision you make, but I want the FBI to know, that once this thing is over, we'll fight to get you back. You're on my team, Deeks, and Sam and Kensi will kill us both if we let you stay with the FBI."

"It would mean leaving Kensi," Deeks said softly, staring down at the floor. "You said I should help her recover, Hetty."

"Yes, I did, Mr. Deeks," Hetty replied. "But, I think she'll understand when you tell her you're working the case."

"Just don't tell her you've gone over to the dark side," Callen said with a smirk.

"Is everyone on your team a smart-ass, Deeks?" Joe asked.

"You're all assuming I'm going to accept the offer," Deeks said quietly, ignoring all the banter.

"Yes we are, Mr. Deeks," Hetty came over to him and put her hand on his arm and smiled up at him. "What other choice do you have if you want to be the one who brings in Lee Chao?"

Deeks nodded and turned to Joe Atwood, reaching out to shake his hand.

"Thanks, Joe, I'll accept on one condition," Deeks said.

"And what would that be?" Joe asked.

"I'm not cutting my hair."

"Deal, Deeks," Joe smiled. "You'd probably look like a dork with short hair anyway."

"You should know, Phil," Deeks replied.

...

_If you are interested in the history between Deeks and Granger in my AU, please read my story "Solus"._


	15. Chapter 15

**Judgement: Chapter 15**

...

Hetty took a deep breath when the door closed behind Deeks as he left with Joe Atwood. She could tell that Callen was not taking this new development well and she studied him carefully, searching his face for the signs of stress she knew were there. She could sense his exhaustion and see the defeat in his eyes as he collapsed back onto his pillow and stared blankly at the door. For all of his joking about the FBI and the "dark side", she could tell he wasn't happy having to watch Deeks go over to the rival agency, and she was concerned for him.

"I think we've lost him, Hetty," Callen said, his voice listless and totally unlike him. She knew he was still in a great deal of pain and she silently chided herself for laying this in his lap as he fought to recover from his wounds, but she knew he would have been angry if he had been kept out of Deeks' decision.

"Why would you think that, Mr. Callen?" Hetty asked.

"He did his job in spite of everything that happened," Callen said. "He kept Lee Chao under surveillance, secured the stolen weapons, saved an FBI agent's life, not once, but twice and was wounded doing that and what does our agency do? We treat him like he's the enemy; take him into custody, rough him up and then we fire him. Why would he stay loyal to us after that?"

"Because he's part of our team," Hetty said, even as a tiny sliver of doubt crept into her mind.

"Not anymore," Callen said regretfully. "He's formed a bond with that FBI agent, Hetty. You could hear it in the way they talked to each other. They almost died out there, together, as partners and that is something you don't let go of easily."

"But he was only with Joe Atwood for two days," Hetty said softly. "He's been with our team for over two years. He won't forget that easily either, Mr. Callen and he sure as hell won't forget Kensi."

"If he stays with the FBI, it might make things easier for him and Kensi," Callen turned to look at her and he saw sadness there.

"You think Kensi is the only reason he became an NCIS agent?" Hetty asked.

"I don't know, Hetty," Callen said, shaking his head. "But, he has to be angry about the way he was treated. Granger treated him like a traitor and then cast him aside like he was worthless. The FBI believes he's valuable and they proved that by seeking him out. After the childhood he had and the way LAPD treated him, that has to mean something to him."

"I always thought he had found a home with us," Hetty said. "This shouldn't have happened. It was you and Sam and Kensi I was afraid I might lose, not the one person who came out of that firefight on his own two feet. I should have seen this coming, Mr. Callen. I should have known Granger was trying to find a way to get rid of him."

"This isn't your fault, Hetty. It's Granger's," Callen said. "Sam warned me about him when this operation started. He thought Granger was acting strangely, especially when I assigned Deeks and Kensi to the undercover assignment. He said he saw a weird look on Granger's face when I handed out that assignment. He could see that Granger didn't trust Deeks and it bothered him. I should have listened."

"Would you have done anything differently, Mr. Callen?" Hetty asked.

"No. Deeks was perfect for that undercover assignment," Callen said.

"Yes he was," Hetty said. "Now, the FBI has access to everything he knows and I'll bet Granger won't be too happy about that."

"Well, he only has himself to blame," Callen said. "Hetty, does Director Vance know about the FBI's offer?"

"It's about time I asked him that," Hetty said, pulling her phone. "I would have expected Roger Stinson to have given him a courtesy call, but if he saw an opportunity to pull one over on Granger, he might have just taken it. You know their history."

"I've heard the story," Callen said. "He hates the guy."

"Leon, were you aware your Assistant Director fired Mr. Deeks?" Hetty said into her phone.

"He called me last night, Hetty, and I'm sorry," Vance said. "I know Deeks is a favorite of yours."

"Am I to assume you haven't read the FBI reports from Granger's borrowed FBI agents?" Hetty asked.

"No, Hetty. I haven't had the chance," Vance said warily.

"When you do, you'll see that one of those agents got made by Lee Chao that day and was the reason my team was attacked," Hetty's voice became sharp and cold as her anger grew. "Mr. Deeks was not responsible, but for some reason, Granger fired him anyway. Any idea why that might be, Leon?"

"He said he had his reasons, Hetty," Vance responded. "But, now that it's clear he didn't botch his assignment, I will see to it that Mr. Deeks is reinstated."

"You're too late, Leon," Hetty said quietly. "He's been hired by the FBI for their Counterterrorism Division."

For a moment there was silence at the director's end and Hetty knew he was stunned and angry at how quickly the game had gotten away from him.

"Roger Stinson didn't call me," Vance said. "Does Granger know?"

"I'll leave that call up to you, Leon," Hetty said. "I really have no desire to talk to the man."

"So Stinson's unit is going after Lee Chao," Vance said.

"Yes they are Leon, and now they have our most knowledgeable operative on their team," Hetty said. "Deeks didn't deserve this kind of treatment from us, Leon. Frankly, I'm ashamed of what was done to him by this agency. He's a good man, Leon, and now he's gone."

Leon Vance made no reply before the line went dead.

"He's pissed," Hetty said to Callen.

"Not as much as I am," Callen replied.

One of the nurses came in and hesitated before handing Hetty a note.

"Mr. Hanna asked me to give you this," she said. "We're hoping you will come talk to him. He's very upset and it's affecting his blood pressure."

"Sam, doesn't have a blood pressure," Callen said. "He knows, Hetty."

"He only knows Granger fired him, Mr. Callen," Hetty said after reading the note. "And he wants to know what the hell is going on."

"Hetty, if you tell him Deeks went to the FBI, he's gonna blow," Callen said with concern.

"Yes. He's become quite fond of Mr. Deeks," Hetty said softly.

"It's more than that, Hetty," Callen said. "He thinks of him as a kid brother. An annoying one, but still family. Sam's not going to take this well at all."

"None of us are taking this too well, Mr. Callen," Hetty said as she walked toward the door. "The battle has changed now, and Mr. Deeks is back on the front lines, albeit with another team. We'll just have to wait and see how this plays out, Mr. Callen. I'll talk to the doctor before I speak with Sam, and if he gives me permission, I'll inform Sam of what's happened. Keeping him in the dark, won't do his blood pressure any good either."

"Tell him I miss talking to him, Hetty," Callen said.

"I may just have to slip you both your phones, Mr. Callen," Hetty smiled. "You two might just come up with some ideas about what's going on inside Granger head."

"Whatever it is, it's not good," Callen said. "He's going to be pissed-off when he finds out Deeks has taken all his information to the FBI."

"He wants to catch Lee Chao for his own glory, and he made a mistake that will cost him." Hetty nodded, her face solemn. "I'm afraid this will cause him to rush his plans and that's never a good thing."

...

Deeks quietly pushed open the door to Kensi's room and slipped silently inside and took the chair next to the bed. She was still asleep and he wouldn't disturb her, taking solace in watching her sleep and enjoying the simple comfort it brought seeing her breathe so easily. He had gotten Joe and the FBI to agree to give him the rest of the day to spend with her before he had to report to LA and sign a bunch of papers. Joe had convinced his superiors that he needed the time to wrap things up with NCIS and it had made Deeks laugh at how smoothly the lie had rolled off his tongue. Joe had proved to be a stand-up guy, one he could count on like a good partner, but thinking about having a new partner as good as he was, just made him sad as he stared at the beautiful woman he would be leaving behind. She was his partner and he couldn't imagine working without her for long. If he was never allowed to return to her side it would crush him, but he knew it was a very real possibility and he had to deal with it.

Over the last year he had begun to think of NCIS as a home and the team as his family, but Granger had ripped that away from him and no one had stopped him from doing that. He knew Hetty was fighting for him, but the others had no real power to stop Granger, and he wasn't sure Hetty did either. He thought he had proven his allegiance to NCIS, but that obviously didn't go both ways. NCIS had shown him no loyalty in return and that hurt. He didn't expect the team to turn in their badges and follow him as they had done for Hetty, especially in the condition they were in. Maybe it wasn't as hard for them to let him go as he wished it were. Callen was a survivor and was used to sudden change, so seeing him leave might upset him briefly, but he would roll with it, Deeks was sure of that. He had grown close to Sam and he knew what the team concept meant to the former SEAL, so he was afraid Sam might see his move to the FBI as a betrayal of the team and might hold it against him. It would hurt him deeply if Sam turned his back on him.

He sought Kensi's hand beneath the covers, needing to touch her to help calm the anxiety he was feeling. She was everything to him and he couldn't picture his future without her, but he was also afraid that when she found out that he had taken a job with another agency, she might believe he had left her, and he knew what that would do to her. Everyone she had loved in her life had left her, but he had always promised her he would never do that. Now, in a sense, he had.

He gripped her hand more tightly as raw emotions tore through him. He couldn't tell her he had been fired. He couldn't tell her he was leaving to go to work for the FBI. He couldn't risk her fragile health by telling her the truth. He had to protect her until she was strong again, strong enough to handle what had happened and until she could understand that he wasn't really leaving her, he just had a different job. He wanted her to know how much he loved her and that he wanted to spend the rest of his life with her, but until she regained her strength and had overcome her injuries, he couldn't tell her anything and that was the hardest thing of all. They had always been confidants, telling each other everything, but now even that comfort had been taken from him and he blamed that solely on Lee Chao and that's who he had to find. He was the man who deserved to be punished and he silently promised her he would deliver that judgement for her.

He sat with her deep into the night and when she finally woke she smiled at him and it was as if the sun had come out just for him.

"Hey sweet girl," he whispered as she pulled his hand to her.

"Where have you been?" she asked with a frown. "I woke up and you were gone."

"I went to see Sam and Callen," he said, reaching to caress her cheek.

"Where are they? They haven't come to see me," she said sadly.

He realized she had no idea what had happened to them and no one wanted to tell her. He wasn't sure if she would be able to handle the news, but he didn't want her to think no one cared, so he decided to give her a watered-down version of the failed operation.

"Sam and Callen are in the hospital too, Kens," he said, holding her hand tightly. "They were wounded in the firefight, but they're both doing well."

"How bad?" She said, blinking back tears.

"Sam has a broken leg and arm and Callen has a severe concussion," he said softly.

"But they're gonna be okay?" She asked.

"Yeah Kens, and as soon as the doctors let them get out of bed they will come and see you," he told her.

"What about you?" she asked. "Are you okay?"

"I'm good, Kens," he said and tried to hold back the tears that suddenly filled his eyes.

"Kens, I won't be able to see you for a while," he said. "I'm still working the case and I'll be in the field until I catch Lee Chao."

"He's the guy who did this, right?" She asked as a frown creased her face.

"I need to bring him in, Kens," he said standing back from the bed and letting go of her hand.

"Be careful, Deeks," she said. "You don't have me to back you up."

"I'll miss you being there," he said, wiping roughly at his eyes.

"You better," Kensi said.

Then he kissed her gently and backed slowly out of the room, unsure how long he could hold it together. Once he was in the hall he collapsed against the wall, remaining there until he could control himself. His stomach was in turmoil as he walked down the hall toward the elevators, stopping briefly to say goodbye to Marcie and a couple of the other nurses. As he reached the elevator the doors opened and Granger stepped out in front of him.

"You didn't waste any time," Granger said, his eyes dark with fury and his body rigid. "FBI? I thought they had higher standards."

"What do you care where I go?" Deeks asked as he walked past him into the doorway of the elevator.

"I don't. Just stay out of my way, Deeks," Granger warned as he grabbed his arm. "Lee Chao is mine."

Deeks laughed as he looked down at Granger's hand on his arm before fiercely yanking it free.

"Fuck you," Deeks said, calmly pushing the down button and giving Granger his biggest smile as the doors closed between them.

...


	16. Chapter 16

Judgement: Chapter 16

...

He responded first to the smell of the sea and then to the sound of the pounding surf, each one familiar and comforting as he walked onto the sand. He slipped easily out of his shoes and socks and walked barefoot to the edge of the wave line, breathing deeply of the salty, fresh air and feeling every muscle slowly relax. God, how he had missed the ocean. He closed his eyes and felt the first rays of the sun warm his back as he dug his toes into the cold, rough sand, laughing lightly when the foam of a wave washed over his bare feet. This was home. This had always been the one constant in his life, but even as familiar as it was, it felt different today. He was different. His life had changed again and this time he couldn't keep the anger at bay. It smoldered inside of him and the joy he usually felt watching the waves break sharply and race toward him wasn't there today, nothing could mediate the feelings that cascaded over him. He felt lonely. Empty. Afraid. Afraid he had lost everything he had worked so hard for and that now tasted like ashes on his tongue. He thought he had found a family, but he should have known better.

He could hear his father's voice echo in his head each time a wave slammed onto the beach, even after all these years, telling him no one would believe what he told them because he was "a worthless piece of shit that no one wanted." How many times had he heard that in his young life and how long had he believed it. He thought he had gotten past it. He thought he had overcome those persistent, devastating words that still haunted him, but the last two days had shown him that maybe his father had been right after all. In his adult life he had always covered his insecurities with conceited comments about himself he didn't believe even as they came out of his mouth. He made people laugh at his seeming overconfidence in his own abilities, but he did it all to try and convince himself on a daily basis that he wasn't what his father had told him he was. And beneath it all was anger. A deeply seated anger that dwelled in the darkest part of his soul and that cried out against the pounding negatives that had been planted there since he was a child. Today, that anger was rising.

Yeah, he was alone again and it shouldn't surprise him. But he was angry too. Angry at being thrown aside and told he was worthless again. He was tired of that, tired of hearing it, tired of believing it. He stoked his rising anger, letting it fill him, letting it bring up the darkness that he kept hidden and controlled until he needed it. Now he would use it to punish the man who had changed everything. Lee Chao. The name raged within him and he once again toyed with his choices, wondering if his carefully crafted sense of justice would fall prey to the anger that was threatening to overwhelm him. Could he kill a man in cold blood and live with himself afterwards? He had always pushed himself to be different from his father, different from the criminals he had chased his whole professional life, but was he? He had to decide. He was alone with that decision. No one was left he could go to now for counsel. The decision was his; all of the support he had taken comfort in over the past two years was gone, that old life had been stripped away and he was alone. Alone on a beach that had always brought him solace, but that today offered nothing but a brief respite from the turmoil going on inside. He had to bring this part of his life to a close and see where it left him. Today he was starting on a path that would lead to a crossroads in his life and he wasn't sure which road he would take.

He stood staring out at the ocean, gathering whatever strength he still had to begin all over again. He told himself to focus, he told himself not to look beyond the next few days or to look back at the past two days. He closed off the sadness he carried and allowed his anger to fill the emptiness and then he turned away from the rushing waves and walked back up the beach to his shoes, pausing to call Nell and asking her to meet him at his apartment with the things from his desk at the Mission. She told him she would meet him there at lunchtime and he thanked her and ended the call. He felt a sudden tide of nostalgia and fought against it as he headed for his car to go meet Joe at FBI headquarters. He felt no excitement about it and that and the wind off the ocean left him feeling cold. He looked forward to seeing Joe. He was the only person he could count on now and he needed that connection, a partner he knew would have his back and Joe was now that person.

...

"Wow! You clean up nice, Deeks," Joe smiled and then stood back to admire the new FBI agent he'd recruited. Deeks was dressed in khaki slacks, with a crisp cream-colored shirt, open at the throat and a tan sports coat.

"Sorry, I just couldn't bring myself to wear a tie," Deeks said quietly. He wasn't really in the mood for joking around, feeling oddly out of place and slightly uncomfortable. He felt like a kid going on his first date, nervous and pretty sure he was going to mess up when he was introduced to the family.

"The Executive Assistant Director of the National Security Branch, Roger Stinson is here to meet you as well as the head of the Counterterrorism Division, James McLoughlan," Joe said as he led him toward the elevators.

Deeks just nodded, tension knotting his shoulders and neck. He was surprised that the head guys were interested in meeting him, but maybe they just wanted to make sure they weren't making a horrible mistake. He felt sweat break out across his forehead as the elevator doors opened on the top floor and he took a deep breath before following Joe out and down a long hall to double oak doors. Joe nodded to the secretary and she smiled and motioned for them to go in. Two older men in grey suits and ties rose and came forward to greet him. He wondered briefly what the hell he was doing here before shaking each man's hand and taking the seat offered to him.

"I've had a number of phone calls about you this morning, Mr. Deeks," Roger Stinson began. "Actually, the first call came from Director Vance last night. He's not very happy with us right now, but that's to be expected. The second was from Hetty, this morning, telling me to take good care of you or pay the consequences. That one didn't surprise me at all. She's quite fond of you, as you probably know, and I'm smart enough to know that when Hetty issues a threat, she means it. One also came from Owen Granger and I didn't bother responding to anything he said. He's a royal prick and I haven't trusted him in a very long time, but let's just keep that to ourselves."

Deeks head was spinning by the time he quit talking and totally surprised by what he'd said. He wasn't sure he was supposed to respond, so he just nodded and kept quiet.

"There was one other call that did surprise me, only because I was wasn't aware he was up for it yet," Stinson said softly. "Callen called me very late last night, Agent Deeks. He and I worked together on a couple of ops for the CIA. He's very sorry to lose you, and very angry that you were pushed off his team and out of NCIS. I know what kind of man Callen is Deeks, and I know he doesn't offer praise easily. I want you to know he gave you very high marks as an undercover operative. He also said you talk too much, but that your humor lightens the atmosphere occasionally, not exactly in those words."

"He's not that funny, sir, trust me," Joe Atwood said.

Deeks found it hard to say a word, stunned that Hetty and Callen had both called and had spoken well of him, especially Callen. He felt a lump form in his throat and he gripped the arm of the chair as the realization hit him that he was gone from their lives and they from his. The three men stared at him as he fought for control, and before he could embarrass himself, Assistant Director McLoughlan asked him a question about the operation and it allowed him to focus his thoughts.

"What do you need from us to get back on track, Agent Deeks?" McLoughlan asked.

"I'll need a good tech operator and intelligence analyst," he replied, giving the man a grateful nod and seeing him nod back.

"Agent Atwood will take care of that for you," he said. "Anything else?"

"Do I have to wear a suit all the time?" Deeks asked.

"You were hired as an undercover operative, Agent Deeks, so some rules don't apply, suits being one of them," McLoughlan said. "We're not as stuffy as some people think."

"I told him we'd have to shave his head, sir," Joe said quickly. "Should I rescind that order?"

They all laughed at that and some of the tension broke for Deeks and he started to relax.

They asked him to give a recap of what had happened during his undercover operation and an in depth profile of Lee Chao. As he complied, he felt a tinge of guilt that he was betraying NCIS, but he continued until he came to the events of the day it had all gone wrong and he stopped, unable to put the terror and devastation of that day into words.

"We have former Agent Briggs report on what happened that day, Agent Deeks," McLoughlan said. "No need for you to revisit it for us."

"Thank you," Deeks said. "Did you say former Agent Briggs? Was that 'Mark', your partner, Joe?"

"Yeah, it was," Joe said. "He resigned right after he filed his report. He couldn't get over what he had caused. He wanted me to tell you how sorry he is, Deeks."

Deeks stared at him as his fists knotted tightly and he said nothing, turning back instead to look at the Assistant Director.

"When can I get started?" Deeks asked, his eyes dark and his voice rough. The anger he'd been holding down began to roar within him and he wanted to get out of the room and get refocused on finding Lee Chao. He had no other purpose and he was tired of talking about it and thinking about what had happened. He wanted to go after the guy and make him pay for what he had done. He didn't care anymore that it was the FBI that was allowing him to do it, he just needed to complete that one task, and then he would decide what to do with the rest of his life.

After getting his official orders, he said his goodbyes and left with Joe, stopping briefly to sign some documents and get photographed for his new FBI identification, before taking the elevator to the floor of the department he was assigned to. It was so different from the Mission that he found himself feeling like a fish out of water. The atmosphere was formal and slightly intimidating and cold. Everyone seemed busy and only briefly acknowledged him until Joe led him into their operations center and he met the two techs assigned to the Lee Chao case.

"Deeks, meet Tina Nguyen," Joe said. "She's our Tech Operator, and this is Marv Reddick, he's our Intel Analyst."

"I heard you worked with Eric Beale?" Tina asked, her voice tiny and sweet. She had very short black hair that stuck out at odd angles and had a bright purple highlight across her bangs that matched her glasses. Her nails were painted black, as were her lips.

"Yeah, you know him?" Deeks smiles warmly at her and he saw her blink quickly a couple of times and then she giggled. She wasn't what he had expected at all and he liked her immediately.

"Just by reputation. We play each other occasionally online," Tiny said. "I win sometimes, but not often. He's really, really good."

"So are you, Tina," Marv said, laughing. He was a tall gangly guy dressed in a polo shirt and khakis, but he was wearing red, high top Converse tennis shoes and that made Deeks smile.

He felt at home here and these two would be the only people other than Joe he would communicate with while he was in the field, and he was glad he felt a connection with them.

"Where do you want to start Agent Deeks?" Tina asked.

"Call me Deeks or Marty," he told them. "I want to know if Lee Chao has any property, including boats, in the Sacramento area."

"You think he stayed up north?" Joe asked. "Why wouldn't he come back here? Now that he doesn't have the RPGs any longer, wouldn't he need to steal more if he still wants that same deal to go through with the same buyers?"

"Did you ever get a count on the RPGs we found?" Deeks asked.

"No, Granger kicked me off the boat, the asshole," Joe said. "Why?"

"I don't think that was all of them," Deeks answered. "I think there were more on that other boat that left."

"You mean the one they launched that missile at us from?" Joe said.

"Yeah, that one," Deeks said, feeling his mind racing with ideas.

"But you said he only owned one boat," Joe said with a quizzical look.

"How about a rental?" Tina asked, and began to rapidly type on her computer. "I could check all the boat rentals in the area."

"I knew I liked you," Deeks said.

As the tech and the analyst searched for information, Deeks felt some of the tension ease in his body. Now that he was concentrating on finding Lee Chao, his mind cleared and he began to focus, pushing aside the hurt and rejection from the last two days. If NCIS didn't want him, then so be it. He would do what he'd always done, survive. The FBI had thrown him a lifeline and he would use it to do what he needed to do. Find one of the men responsible for ruining his life.

...


	17. Chapter 17

**Judgement: Chapter 17**

...

He moaned as the persistent and irritating sound of his cell phone roused him from a deep sleep. He looked over at the clock on the side table before rolling sleepily onto his back and cursing loudly into the dark, stuffy room. He had barely been asleep for three hours after a long stakeout with Joe Atwood and he was instantly pissed.

"What?" Deeks shouted into the phone, kicking off the covers and trying to rub the sleep from his eyes.

"We got a tip," Joe said quickly. "Get your ass in gear. I'll be by your room in ten minutes."

"Wait. What kind of tip?" Deeks asked as he sat up on the side of the bed and flipped on the light.

"A good one," Joe said and hung up.

"And I'm supposed to be the annoying one," Deeks said out loud as he stumbled into the bathroom and quickly washed his face.

He stared at himself in the mirror, brushing the hair out of his eyes and thinking he looked like crap. They had been on a three-day stakeout, trying to see if a previous tip would help them locate Lee Chao's buyers. He had only a few hours sleep each of those nights and it was beginning to take its toll. Being cooped up in a car with anybody for that long was bad enough, but he and Joe had been arguing when they were speaking to each other at all. The bond they had formed when he was with NCIS had seemingly vanished, and now they were only getting on each other's nerves. He knew he was the one causing the riff, but he hadn't been in the best of moods since being fired and the rejection was never far from his thoughts.

"Get it together, buddy," he said as he pulled on his jeans.

He searched the closet and then the dresser for a clean shirt, finally finding a tee shirt that instantly reminded him of Kensi and it stopped him cold. She had borrowed it for a couple of weeks last year and he had seen her wear it to the beach a couple of times and he razzed her about it until she finally threw it at him one day when she was actually doing laundry. It always reminded him of her and it's probably why he had packed it, but now it just reminded him of what he had lost.

"Deeks! You awake?" Joe called to him and pounded softly on the door.

"Yeah," he answered, but wondered if his voice had even carried beyond the room. He moved slowly to the door, the tee shirt hanging limply from his hand. He swung the door open wide and leaned against the wall and stared down at the floor.

"You okay, man?" Joe asked softly.

"No."

Deeks turned and walked back into the sterile hotel room, dropping down on the end of the bed and staring at the tee shirt.

"Kensi stole this once and I used to kid her about it." Deeks said quietly. "We used to tease each other all the time, Joe, and I miss that. I miss her."

"Guess I'm not a very good substitute." Joe sat down in the chair across from him and waited for him to say more.

"Not even close," Deeks said with a slight smile.

"Some people think I'm kind of handsome and funny," Joe said smiling.

"Just not women," Deeks said, stealing a look at his new partner. "Well, maybe Tina, the tech wizard."

"No man, she's only got eyes for you," Joe said, leaning back and stretching out his legs in front of him.

"No way, dude," Deeks said with a doubtful look.

"Haven't you noticed how she giggles whenever she talks to you?" Joe said, with a generous laugh.

"I thought she did that all the time," Deeks said, shaking his head.

"You are one dense puppy, Deeks," Joe said.

"How about you, Joe, you seeing anyone?" Deeks asked as he pulled the dark blue tee shirt over his head. When he looked back at Joe he saw sadness and a guarded look in his eyes. They looked at each other for a few seconds, before Joe looked away and got up and went to the window

"I was married once," his voice was distant and Deeks could hear a sense of longing there.

"Divorced?" Deeks asked.

"No. She died a year after I got back from Afghanistan," he said.

"God, Joe, I'm sorry." Deeks was stunned and went to stand next him, staring out at the beginnings of dawn. He waited, not wanting to push Joe if he didn't want to share more.

"The sad thing is, we'd only been married for three months before my second tour started," Joe said softly. "Not much time together, but I still think of myself as married. Strange, huh?"

"What was she like?" Deeks asked, unaware that he was toying with the hem of his tee shirt.

"She was sweet and pretty and girly. Almost innocent, you know?" Joe's face broke into a gentle smile as he spoke and Deeks could see he still loved her.

"Her favorite color was pink and whenever I see that color I think of her instantly," Joe said. "I never understood what she saw in me. We went to high school together and she had every boy in town after her and some of them were really smart and headed for prestigious colleges. And then there was me."

"She had a thing for dumb animals, then?" Deeks said, letting out a soft laugh that got the same response from Joe.

"Something like that," Joe laughed. "I was going to state college when my brother was killed in Iraq and I immediately joined up. Abby and I dated before that and had talked about marriage but that got put on hold until I got back. I didn't know what I wanted to do after I finished my first tour, so I signed up for another one, and it was the first time I had ever seen her really mad. We almost broke up over it, but ended up getting married instead. Getting back to her was the only thing that kept me going over there. It was a tough tour, but a short one."

"What shortened it?" Deeks asked even though he was pretty sure he knew why.

"I was wounded," Joe said, and then put his hand up to stop any follow-up question.

"She was so mad at me when I got back, Deeks," Joe said with a smile. "I think she would have hit me if I hadn't looked so pathetic."

"Kensi punches me all the time," Deeks said with a laugh. "Funny, I miss that."

"I could punch you once in awhile if you like," Joe said. "You probably deserve it the way you've been acting."

"What do you mean?" Deeks asked, but not really surprised by his comment.

"You've been an asshole the whole time we've been on this stakeout, and you know it," Joe said as his smile disappeared.

Deeks hung his head briefly before looking into Joe's eyes. Neither one spoke until they broke the stare-down to gaze out the window again.

"You're right," Deeks said solemnly. "Guess I'm still pissed-off and I've been taking it out on you."

"Well, it's getting old, man." Joe said firmly. "You need to get your head in the game, Deeks, if we're gonna catch this guy. I need a partner, not some guy feeling sorry for himself."

Deeks felt a flare of anger before realizing Joe was right, and he was embarrassed.

"Okay, got it," Deeks said and turned, walking back to pick up his gun before heading for the door. "But, if you punch me, I'm hitting you back."

"What makes you think you'll be able to hit back after I punch you?" Joe asked as he followed him out of the room.

"Remember, I've been punched by Kensi and your pitiful little punches won't even come close to Wonder Woman's," Deeks said softly and smiling to himself at all the memories that flooded into his head.

"You called her Wonder Woman?" Joe asked.

"Still do," Deeks said. "And she still is."

Things felt normal between them again and they easily joked and razzed each other as the drove out of the parking garage and into the awakening city. They found a Starbuck's and picked up a couple of coffees and some apple fritters before heading across the river toward the Port of Sacramento. Marv and Tina had discovered a recent connection between Lee Chao and a shipping company that had an incoming cargo ship docking at the port in the next couple of days.

"You think he's found a way to put the remaining RPGs on that cargo ship?" Joe asked.

"If he can hide them among legitimate machinery parts, and get it past security, yeah," Deeks said.

"He must have been busy since he tried to blow us up," Joe said and rubbed the still tender wound on his arm.

"Maybe he thinks he killed us," Deeks said.

"Now there's a good cover," Joe laughed. "We'll go in as ghosts and scare the asshole to death."

"But if he does think we're dead, it's a small advantage," Deeks said.

"Come on Deeks, he has to know someone's still looking for him," Joe said. "Maybe not us, but somebody."

"And he'd be right," Deeks answered. "Granger is tracking him, too."

"You think he has the same intel we do about the cargo ship?" Joe asked as they pulled up to the gate of the port.

"Eric and Nell are the best, so I wouldn't doubt it," Deeks replied.

"I won't tell Tina and Marv you said that," Joe said. "It would crush Tina's little techie heart and she might stop flirting with you."

"Now who's being annoying?" Deeks said.

They showed their ID's to the guard at the gate and were directed to the head of security. There didn't seem to be a lot of activity going on around the warehouses that lined the dock, just a few forklifts moving large bags of rice. If the activity they were seeing was normal for this time of year, Deeks realized Lee Chao probably had an advantage and might have already rented one of the industrial buildings to work from. He quickly called Tina to ask her to check records on recently rented buildings at the port and in the West Sacramento area. His senses tingled at just how close they might be to catching this guy and he felt a surge of energy and tension rippled through his muscles. He had ached for so long to see Lee Chao in his gun site and that desire gave him pause, reminding himself that he was tasked with bringing him to justice, not executing him. He wondered yet again what his decision would be when he actually came face to face with the man.

Before they could be ushered into the office of the Head of Security, Tina called him back.

"Marty, I have news," Tina said, her voice tight and out of breath. "There's been a theft of highly secretive long range rocket launchers from the testing facilities at Edwards Air Force Base."

"What? How did they get on base?" Deeks asked.

"They were stolen while being transported last night," Tina said. "This is high priority, Deeks. They're the very latest technology and the phones have been singing around here."

"Do they have any information on who did it?" Deeks asked as he looked over at Joe.

"Lee Chao was caught on the truck's video surveillance camera," Tina said. "I'll send all the information I have as soon as I get it. The director wants Joe to call him right away."

"What's going on, Deeks?" Joe asked when he saw the shocked look on Deeks' face.

"You were right when you said Lee Chao must have been busy," Deeks said and then quickly informed him on what had happened.

"Shit! This just keeps getting bigger and bigger," Joe said. "So do you think this means he's not here at the port?"

"I think it's still a good possibility that he is," Deeks said as his mine raced.

"But why bring them all the way up here?" Joe questioned. "Why wouldn't he take them into Mexico or ship them out of LA?"

"Lee Chao always does the unexpected," Deeks said. "He came up here when he stole the RPGs. He feels comfortable in this area. It's where he grew up."

"But he knows people are looking for him here because of what he did to your team," Joe reasoned.

"Maybe that's why he stole the rocket launchers from Edwards," Deeks said. "To draw everyone back down south. Which would leave this port a safe place to ship from. It's close to San Francisco and once he's out to sea he could take the rocket launchers anywhere, transfer them to other ships and set up a meet with buyers in ports from here to Alaska and beyond if he wanted to. I think he let himself get seen by those video cameras. He's not that slipshod."

"Let me call my boss and give him your theory," Joe said.

"I'll talk to the Head of Security," Deeks said as the man came out of his office.

Deeks and Joe met again in the hall when they had finished their conversations and walked back to the car.

"McLoughlan wants us to stay here," Joe said. "He thought your idea was plausible, so he's assigning another team to investigate down south. I think you just impressed our boss."

"Let's just hope I'm right," Deeks said with a crooked grin. "I'd hate to get fired again."

...


	18. Chapter 18

**Judgement: Chapter 18**

...

The day had been a long one of chasing down leads and checking out possible storage facilities for the RPGs and Lee Chao's latest cache of stolen rocket launchers. They had driven all over the area and even through the small towns west of Sacramento, but nothing had panned out or given them the slightest hint that Lee Chao was still in the area. As the day faded into dusk, Deeks was discouraged and grumpy and barely laughed when Joe suggested they stop and take in a ballgame at the minor league park they were passing as they headed back to their hotel.

"Hot dogs, beer and baseball, Deeks," Joe said, trying to lift his partner's spirits. "The All-American pastime for a couple of All-American FBI guys."

"You're turning into a goofball," Deeks said.

"Just trying to cheer you up, man," Joe said.

"Not workin', dude," Deeks smiled briefly and leaned his head back and stared moodily outside as they crossed the river. The breeze from the open window ruffled his hair and he dragged his fingers through the mass of straggly soft curls once again, as he'd been doing for the past several minutes, reviewing all the new information they had sifted through that day. He was so sure Lee Chao was still in the vicinity, but the lack of contact of any kind was starting to worry him. Joe kept glancing over at him and that was starting to bug him too until he finally looked back at him.

"What?" Deeks asked.

"Since you didn't like the ballgame idea, how about we go visit Wonder Woman?" Joe said softly and saw a smile slowly spread across his partner's face.

...

Hetty could hear the raised voices coming from Callen's room and she took a deep breath before entering. The dark look on her senior agent's face brought her own anger to the forefront and told her all she needed to know about the direction the conversation was taking. Callen had only been in a regular room for a few hours and he was tired after the move from ICU. She was surprised to see Granger there, but she was astonished to see Agent Scott standing by Callen's bed as well and she could see that Callen was furious.

"What's this all about, Owen?" Hetty said quite formally.

"Just thought Agent Callen should get acquainted with the new member of his team," Granger said with a hint of a smile.

Callen stared at her, unable to put into words the thoughts that she was pretty sure we're running through his mind.

"Ma'am," Agent Scott said with a slick smile as he stretched out his hand to her.

Hetty ignored him completely and just stared at Granger, her eyes narrowing as she sorted out what to say to him.

"Agent Callen needs rest, Owen, and I hardly think meeting your little toady here will give him the peace he needs." Hetty said.

Scott dropped his hand and a feral look replaced the smile on his face.

"Well, you both better get used to having Agent Scott around, because your favorite surfer won't be coming back," Granger said sharply. "I told you not to trust him."

"My whole team trusted him with their lives for the last two and a half years," Callen said. "And he never let us down, Granger and you know that."

"Well, I never understood what you saw in him," Granger replied. "But, once you've worked with Scott, you'll see what Deeks lacked in skills and training."

"I'm very good at my job, Agent Callen," Scott said. "I've never had any complaints."

"Now that's a blatant lie, Agent Scott," Hetty said with obvious disgust. "You've had three that I know of and I've just started looking."

"You've been looking into my records?" Scott asked, visibly shaken by her accusation.

"Why of course I have, Agent Scott, and your childhood as well," Hetty said. "I make it point to know everything there is to know about my agents, and believe me when I say, everything. I really hope you don't try and hide anything from me, Mr. Scott, because it's not a good idea and you don't want to make me angry. Oh, I just remembered, you already have, by manhandling Mr. Deeks while he was wounded. So you see, I really don't like you much, Mr. Scott, so don't get too comfortable in your new job."

"Hetty, you can't intimidate him," Granger said with a growl. "He's my hire and he's here to stay."

"Sometimes, you get rather overconfident, Owen," Hetty said quietly. "It will be the end of you one day."

"I doubt that, Henrietta," Granger said with a tight smile. "Now, if you'll excuse us, we have the others to visit."

"You better watch what you say to Sam," Callen said.

"Are you threatening me, Agent Callen?" Granger asked.

"I'm warning the new guy for his own protection, sir," Callen said, practically spitting out the honorific with contempt.

"I'm not afraid of anybody, Callen," Scott said arrogantly.

"You haven't met Sam yet, and he's not just anybody," Callen said, his eyes burning with intensity.

Scott started to say something, but Granger motioned him to silence.

"Owen, I hope you respect Miss Blye enough not to disturb her right now," Hetty said. "She's had a rough time of it, and she needs to recover more fully before she learns what has happened."

"I'll grant you that, Henrietta," Granger said. Then he pushed Scott toward the door and they walked out.

"Do you believe him, Hetty?" Callen asked, letting out a long sigh.

"Yes. I think he respects Kensi and her father was a friend of his," Hetty said. "I don't think he would risk her health just to prove a point and impress Agent Scott."

"Agent Scott is a prick," Callen said harshly. "Kensi won't want to work with him and if she's forced to, she'll never trust him. I know I don't. And if she ever finds out how he treated Deeks, he better watch himself in dark alleys."

"Yes, I can't see that partnership working out," Hetty said.

"Hetty, what's Granger trying to do?" Callen asked. "I know he never liked Deeks, but why did he really push him out?"

"It's all about control, Mr. Callen," Hetty said. "He wants a man on your team that's strictly loyal to him and him alone. With Scott on your team he'll know everything you're doing and try to undermine your authority and control the direction of every investigation. Ultimately, his goal is to take control of your team. Meanwhile, he'll be working to oust me, which I think has been his plan since he got here."

"Can you beat him?" Callen asked.

"I'm gathering ammunition, Mr. Callen," Hetty said knowingly. "And I'm cultivating allies. Good allies in a war, especially a dirty one, can make all the difference."

"But Vance is on his side, isn't he?" Callen asked.

"I think you'll find that a few well placed phone calls will undermine that little alliance," Hetty said.

"You think Granger is after his job, don't you?" Callen said with a grin. "And your allies will make Vance aware of that."

"Now you get the picture, Mr. Callen," Hetty said. "I've been at this game a long time and I know where the bodies are buried," Hetty said with a smile. "Granger isn't as clever as he thinks he is."

...

Sam had been sleeping when Granger and Scott had looked in on him so they had gone to the cafeteria for dinner. Toward the end of the meal, Scott had excused himself and gone back up to the ICU. He walked stealthily into Kensi's room and stood watching her silently and smiling slightly. She woke slowly and turned to look at him, confusion clouding her face.

"Who are you?" She asked, her words slurred and hesitant.

"I'm your new partner, sweetheart," Scott said boldly as he stepped toward the bed.

Kensi frowned and instinctively moved away from him.

"I have a partner," she said.

"Not anymore, babe." Scott smiled triumphantly. "Deeks got himself fired and ran off to the FBI, so it's just you and me now."

"What?" Kensi whispered. "No, you're lying. He wouldn't leave me."

"Believe it, babe," Scott said as he moved closer to the bed. He reached out and ran the back of his fingers down her arm and she instantly jerked away from him, her eyes flashing darkly, but he didn't seem to notice the warning. He reached toward her once again and she quickly grabbed his hand, bending it back at the wrist as she painfully twisted his fingers, causing him to cry out and leap back from the bed.

"You little bitch," he shouted.

He took a step toward the bed, but the door slammed open as Deeks and Joe entered.

"Get the fuck away from her you asshole," Deeks voice was deep and full of rage.

"Deeks is it true?" Kensi asked weakly.

"What did he tell you?" Deeks pushed Scott out of the way and quickly took Kensi's hands in his.

"I told her you were gone and I was her new partner," Scott said smugly. "Then she practically broke my fingers."

"I suggest you get out of here, man," Joe said yanking Scott around and shoving him toward the door.

"Deeks, he said you went to the FBI," Kensi said as tears began to streak down her face. "Why? You said you'd never leave me."

"Kens, I had no choice," Deeks said, brushing the tears from her cheek as he tried to explain.

She turned her head away and her breathing became labored as she began to choke and several sensors started to sound. The room was suddenly filled with hospital personnel and a nurse tried to usher him from the room. He resisted and pushed back, but Joe took his arm and pulled him gently into the hall. Joe held him firmly until he nodded that he was okay, but then he saw Scott talking to Granger and he lost it.

"Stay away from Kensi, you son-of-a-bitch," Deeks shouted, pointing his finger at Scott. "What right did you have to tell her about me being gone? She's fighting to recover and you tell her that? She didn't need to know, you asshole."

"You don't get to tell him to do anything," Granger said pointedly. "You're out, Deeks, and Scott will be her new partner when and if she gets back."

"What do you mean if she gets back? Kensi's stronger than either one of you," Deeks said, trying to control the flood of emotion and anger that thundered inside of him. "She'll be as great as she always was."

"But you won't be around to see it," Granger said smugly. "She'll forget about you Deeks as soon as she's had a chance to work with a trained agent, instead of a mutt like you that Hetty dragged over from LAPD. You forget, I have access to all your files and I know where you grew up and what kind of people you come from."

A black and almost uncontrollable rage began to cloud Deeks' mind as he heard the vicious words spill from Granger's smirking mouth. His hands formed slowly into fists as he listened and he took a step forward, wanting to beat the crap out of the man. He saw the snide and condescending smile on Scott's face and would have hit him if Joe hadn't stepped in front of him.

"Stay cool, Deeks," Joe said as he placed a hand on his chest to stop him.

"Your father knew you were a screw up, didn't he Deeks?" Scott laughed. "Probably why he beat the crap out of you all the time."

A red haze flared behind Deeks eyes as he lunged at the smirking agent, only to be held back forcibly by his own partner.

"Don't do this, Deeks," Joe said. Both his hands gripped the front of Deeks' shirt as he got directly in front of his face. "He's not worth the paperwork."

"Does your new partner know you shot your own father, Deeks?" Granger asked with a cold smile. "Not exactly the kind of man you should trust to be your partner, Agent Atwood."

Deeks froze and stood rigidly at the sudden revelation of his childhood terror. Joe dropped his head before slowly turning to face the two NCIS men.

"You should have let him try something, Atwood," Scott said. "Then I could have arrested him for attacking a Federal agent."

"What do you think we are, dickhead?" Joe spoke so softly Deeks wasn't sure he had heard right. He had never heard Joe sound like this before. His voice was thick and venomous and Deeks saw the muscles in his back and arms coil like a snake ready to strike.

"I suggest you both walk away right now or I'll file Federal harassment charges against both of you," Joe said taking a step forward. "And I'll file an affidavit against you Granger for lying to a Federal agent."

"You don't have the balls," Scott said.

"Wrong, Dick," Joe said, spitting out the agent's name. "I do have the balls, which is more than I can say for you. I knew you had to be overcompensating for something."

"He's a loner, Atwood, and a messed up one at that," Granger said. "I know; I've worked an op with him, and I saw how unpredictable he can be. He's not who he pretends to be or who you think he is."

"He's my partner and that's all I need to know," Joe said firmly. "Now fuck off."

Granger smiled darkly and turned away, followed by a glowering Dick Scott. Joe stood silently, watching them go before turning back towards his partner. Deeks still stood rigidly in the hallway, a look of stark anger in his eyes. He wouldn't look at Joe and when Joe took a step toward him, he put his hand up and backed away, before turning and walking back toward Kensi's room and Joe let him go.

When Deeks was finally allowed back in her room, Joe followed him quietly inside, leaning back against the wall to watch his partner as he fussed over Kensi.

"They had to sedate her, Joe," Deeks said softy. "I should have beat the shit out of him."

"Me too," Joe said as he moved to stand beside him.

"Why would he tell her that now?" Deeks asked, his voice listless and raw.

"Dominance and power," Joe said. "Both he and Granger want power so badly, they don't care who they hurt to get it. It's why they wanted me to know about your childhood. They thought it would give them an advantage if it made me distrust you and cause a split between us."

"Has it?" Deeks asked.

"No." Joe said and put his hand on Deeks' shoulder. "I'm your partner, Deeks. We all have things in our past that we want to keep private, things that are nobody's business but our own. If you want to talk about what they said, fine, but if you don't, I'm good with that."

"Thanks, buddy." Deeks held Kensi's hand and gently stroked it before speaking again. "They hurt her Joe, and I won't forget that. I think of you as a friend now, so I need you to know that I'm going to fight to get back to NCIS, because I can't let that little shit become Kensi's partner."

"You're in love with her," Joe said.

"Yeah," Deeks said as he kissed her fingers softly.

"I understand," Joe said.

"I know you do, buddy," Deeks said.

...


	19. Chapter 19

**Judgement: Chapter 19**

...

The pounding rhythm of his stride brought a calmness he hadn't felt in a long time. He had missed running and the release it brought to his body and his mind. He had looped the park two times and was on his third when he began to take in the beauty of his surroundings as he slowed his pace. The startling creamy white of the Capitol building gleamed in the early morning light as he slowed and dodged around a group of protesters heading for the front steps. Reclaiming his pace, his mind returned to his confrontation with Granger and Scott, his stomach churning as his anger returned. If Joe hadn't been there he wasn't sure what he would have done, but knowing he probably would have lost control, concerned him. Listening to his childhood terrors spilling out of those two had shaken him deeply, but seeing Scott close to Kensi and knowing he had hurt her with his revelations had roused a violent rage within him he was still having trouble dealing with. Just thinking about Scott as Kensi's partner incensed him and he knew he had to find a way to return to NCIS, he just wasn't sure how to do it, so his faith that Hetty would fight for his reinstatement was the only thing he had to hold on to.

The air was crisp as he cut across the lawn at the back of the building and entered the shade beneath a huge redwood tree, slowing to a walk as he felt the vibration from his cell phone. He didn't recognize the number and a frown creased his forehead.

"Deeks," he said, curious as to who it might be and wary as well.

"Are you alone?" Eric asked softly.

"Yeah, man, what's up?" Deeks said with surprise. "Did you get a new phone?"

"I wanted to talk to you, but we're being watched, so I got a burn phone," he answered. "Hope it's not too early, but I didn't want to be overheard so I'm calling from the beach."

"Sounds kinda cloak and dagger for you, man," Deeks said with a smile.

"OSPs isn't the same now, Deeks," he said. "I miss you guys."

"I miss you too, Eric," Deeks said. "Are you okay? You sound upset."

"I heard what Scott did, Deeks," Eric said. "Why would he tell Kensi about you being gone?"

"Cause he's a prick, Eric," Deeks said. "How did you find out?"

"Hetty gave Sam and Callen their cell phones and they both called in last night," Eric said. "Callen's trying to figure out what Granger is up to and Sam just wanted to vent about his conversation with Scott last night."

"Scott went to see Sam?" Deeks asked. "Talk about jumping into the lion's den."

"He tried to convince Sam he had superior training compared to you, and that he would make the team stronger," Eric said with a laugh. "Sam jumped down his throat. He was still furious when he talked to me, yelling about how he told him you don't handcuff one of your own. Then Scott mentioned he had told Kensi about Granger firing you and you going to the FBI and Sam grabbed the guy by the shirt and would have throttled him if a doctor hadn't come in. Sam's not too happy about you joining the FBI, but he understands it's the only way for you to go after Lee Chao."

"Sam said that?" Deeks asked. "I thought he might think I had deserted the team."

"No one thinks that, Deeks," Eric said. "Listen, there's a couple of things you need to know. Granger and Scott flew in last night and will be in the OSP Center this morning. Deeks they're tracking you."

"How?" Deeks asked.

"I don't know," Eric said. "It's not me or Nell, but someone here is doing it."

"I'll check the car and watch for tails," Deeks said. "Eric, you'll be in deep trouble if Granger finds out you're giving me information."

"I'll be careful, Deeks," Eric said. "I don't like what they did to you and Nell says they're after Hetty. This is my team too."

Deeks could hear the sadness in his voice and his determination to help. He reminded himself how long Eric had been a member of the team and realized just how upset he must be by the events taking place.

"Eric, does he know about Lee Chao's theft of the rocket launchers from Edwards Air Force Base?" Deeks asked. "Is that why he's back in LA?"

"Yeah, he thinks Lee Chao is back in town," Eric said.

"I won't ask you anymore questions, but I appreciate the heads up," Deeks said. "Eric, be careful. I don't want you to lose your job."

"Take care of yourself, man," Eric said. "Nell says hi."

Then he was gone and Deeks shook his head in astonishment at the loyalty he had just experienced. It was a kindness he wouldn't forget and the feeling he was still part of the team hung before him briefly, before he realized it was just an illusion. He pocketed his cell and started his run back to the hotel, trying to figure out how Granger might be tracking him and why.

...

"I brought you a coffee and a your favorite jelly filled doughnut," Deeks yelled as he dropped the food onto the counter in the kitchenette.

He got no response and walked quickly over to knock softly on the door to Joe's bedroom. The door opened almost immediately, revealing his intense partner talking on his cell phone and waving him into the room as he hurried back to the laptop on the desk under the window. He had a map on-screen and after a few short comments he ended the call and sat down, scribbling out something on the hotel notepad.

"Marv found the RPG buyers," Joe said tensely. "They rented a small warehouse with an attached office in an industrial park off Harbor Boulevard near the port."

"Let's go," Deeks said.

"Wait. I need to call the local office and get a tactical squad to meet us there." Joe was again on the phone as he followed Deeks into the kitchen. He downed his coffee as he talked and managed to gobble half his doughnut, but not without dribbling jelly down the front of his shirt, making Deeks laugh. He grabbed a towel and ran it under the faucet and tried cleaning up his partner while Joe batted at him and continued to work out the details of the op with the leader of the tact squad. When he was finally finished he realized what Deeks was doing and started laughing.

"We're starting to function like an old married couple," Joe said.

"What? You expect me to go out with you looking like that," Deeks said, pointing at the streak of red that decorated the front of his shirt.

Joe grunted, quickly removed his shirt as he turned back toward his bedroom, heading for the closet. Deeks sucked in his breath when he saw the deep scars that covered Joe's back. He knew he'd been wounded in Afghanistan, but he hadn't realized how severely, and his admiration increased. It took a strong man to survive something like that and if he wasn't able to make it back to NCIS, being able to work with a man as tough and as loyal as Joe Atwood, wouldn't be so bad.

When Joe came back out buttoning up his new shirt, he stopped and returned Deeks stare.

"What's up?" Joe asked, sensing a change in his partner's demeanor.

"Nothing, man, nothing," Deeks said quickly. "I had a call from Eric at NCIS. He told me Granger is tracking me."

"The bastard," Joe said. "I knew he would regret firing you."

"Not likely," Deeks said as they headed out the door.

"He's hedging his bets, Deeks," Joe said. "He's hoping you lead him to Lee Chao."

"But I'm suppose to be incompetent," Deeks said with a crooked grin.

"You are, dumb-ass," Joe grinned back. "He's just more incompetent than you are."

"You're such a sweet talker, Phil," Deeks laughed.

...

They rendezvoused with the FBI Tactical Squad in a parking lot of an adjacent building on Harbor Boulevard. Deeks felt strangely detached as he watched Joe talking with the squad leader. He looked down at the Kevlar vest he had just put on and the large white letters spelling out "FBI" looked odd to him. He felt something akin to butterflies, recalling the first time he had donned a vest with NCIS. He tried to shake the sadness that had crept up on him, reminding himself this had been his only choice, so he shook it off and checked his weapon before recalling the last time he had confronted these men. He didn't intend to fail this time.

"Anything we should know about these guys?" Joe asked, interrupting his reverie.

"Yeah, they're home-grown terrorists with nothing to lose and a mean streak. They won't stop coming at you," Deeks said. "If you get in their way they will run you down, so shoot to kill before they kill you."

He saw the tactical squad nod in unison and then head back to their vehicles. Deeks turned to see Joe staring at him with a knowing look on his face.

"Is that what happened to you during the first op?" Joe asked. "They ran you down?"

"Yeah, I had just seen Sam's car explode and was running toward it and I didn't see the SUV until it was almost too late," Deeks said. "I almost managed to get out of the way but it sideswiped me, otherwise we wouldn't be having this conversation."

"Let's go get these bastards," Joe said, slapping Deeks on the shoulder as they went to join the others.

With comms in, they listened as the spotter gave them a description of the activity around the office and warehouse. There was a yellow Penske rental truck just inside the roll-up door to the warehouse with two men loading it with long wooden crates and six men milling around it. The spotter indicated all were armed with automated weapons.

"RPGs sited, I repeat, RPGs sited," the spotter yelled into the comms.

"All teams move in," Joe ordered.

A team of four moved in from the back as Joe and Deeks and two members of the tactical squad moved quickly toward the entrance, flanking the truck.

"FBI," Joe shouted as they charged into the warehouse.

Automatic weapons fire erupted all around them as they returned fire and dove for cover behind several packing crates. Joe reared up and fired rapidly, taking out one of the men still trying to load the truck and the crate of RPGs crashed to the floor, spilling the rocket launchers onto the concrete floor. Suddenly the partially loaded truck began to move and Deeks ran toward the cab, firing on the driver. The side window exploded in a shower of glass and blood and the truck rolled to a stop against the wall of the warehouse. He blew out both front tires before racing back inside as the firefight continued. The sounds of gunfire reverberated and echoed inside the warehouse as Deeks searched for Joe. He heard shouts and orders for surrender and rapidly surveyed the other entrances, noticing a man fleeing through a side door into another section of the warehouse and he gave chase, followed quickly by Joe.

"I got your back, Deeks," Joe said softly as they approached the door the man had gone through. The small area was dim and the air still and musty. Deeks and Joe moved cautiously through a maze of storage racks and pallets, stopping to listen for any sound that might indicate where the man was hiding.

"You've got nowhere to go, man," Deeks called out, hoping for a response.

"I thought I killed you last time," a low voice came back.

"You missed me, asshole," Deeks said as he motioned to Joe to try and flank the guy.

"No I didn't," he laughed coldly. "I watched you bounce off the bumper and the side of my car and you weren't movin' when I looked in my rearview mirror."

"Sorry to disappoint you," Deeks said as he slowly turned toward his voice.

"Lee Chao blew the rest of you Feds up pretty good, though," the man laughed again. "Bet you miss your friends."

"They're all doing just fine. Thanks for asking," Deeks said, trying to control the tremor in his voice.

As he rounded a stack of pallets, Deeks came face to face with the man, who got off a burst of gunfire just as Joe tackled him out of the line of fire. He landed hard with Joe on top of him, and it took a few seconds to catch his breath, but Joe was up instantly, returning fire and taking the guy out at the knees. The guy was screaming as Joe kicked his weapon away.

"You okay, Deeks?" Joe asked looking down as Deeks slowly got to his feet.

"You need to go on a diet," he said to Joe, holding an arm across his still tender cracked ribs.

"Would you rather I let him shoot you?" Joe asked with a slight smile.

Deeks smiled and shook his head as he walked gingerly over to where the man lay moaning in agony.

"Where's Lee Chao?" Deeks asked, kicking his foot, causing the man to scream out.

"Just left," he answered through gritted teeth.

"Where'd he go?" Joe asked.

"Don't know," the man said and then passed out.

"Well, he was no help," Joe said.

"Yeah, he was," Deeks said. "We know Lee Chao is in Sacramento and not LA."

"And we know a cargo ship he's connected to will be docking here tomorrow," Joe said.

"Those long range missile launchers are in this area some place," Deeks said.

"Now all we have to do is get on that cargo ship, find the missile launchers, secure them, arrest Lee Chao and not get killed in the process," Joe said with a small grin. "That shouldn't be too hard."

"Are you always this optimistic?" Deeks asked as he turned and started walking back toward the main part of the warehouse.

"We'll get him, Deeks," Joe said, suddenly serious.

Deeks just lifted his hand and waved, never looking back.

...


	20. Chapter 20

**Judgement: Chapter 20**

...

He watched the tactical squad laughing and joking around as they finished their paperwork. The Sacramento FBI office echoed with the voices of agents and staff who had come in to hear the squad's stories about the operation and the takedown of a wanted terrorist cell. They were all excited about their success, and he wished he could join in, but he felt nothing, nothing at all. Emptiness was what filled him. Here, among his new team, he felt strangely detached as he had when they had been prepping for the firefight. He felt as if he were in limbo, ripped from his real team and forced onto this one, which he felt no connection with at all, except for Joe. They had caught the men partially responsible for what had happened to his old team, they had secured the remaining RPGs and everyone was happy except for him.

He signed his report and threw it in the pile with all the others and grabbed his jacket, walking quickly out of the office, not waiting for Joe to return from his debriefing. No one spoke to him or acknowledged him and he was glad for that somehow. Even immediately after the firefight had ended, the squad had avoided him, some glancing away if he looked at them, and he wondered why at the time, but now, he just didn't care.

He had been assigned a car to use while he was in the area, and he found the dark blue sedan and drove out of the lot and headed back downtown. He was thankful for the GPS as he drove mindlessly through the streets and finally onto the freeway. For some reason, the familiar act of driving on a freeway calmed his agitation, and he zoned out as he made his way through traffic. It felt good to be alone. At one time in his life it had been common for him to unwind by himself, to eased himself slowly back to who he really was after an undercover assignment, but when he had gone to work for NCIS that had all changed. Now he was on familiar ground once again and it felt right. Maybe he wasn't meant to work with a team. Maybe he was just a loner like Granger had said.

His thoughts turned to the LAPD and he wondered if he had made a mistake by leaving to become an NCIS agent. He had liked working undercover alone and he knew he was good at it. He'd been on his own since he was seventeen, and although it had taken him awhile, he had learned to take care of himself just fine. He had relished that life, not having to answer to anyone or consider anyone but himself. It had just been him, alone; no drunken father yelling at him that he was a piece of shit, no mother to worry about him or for him to worry about, no one close to complicate his life. He only had to make himself happy and that he learned how to do quite well, at least until he'd met Kensi. He didn't let his thoughts linger on her long, it was too painful right now, so he steered his thoughts back to the possibility of returning to a solitary life of undercover work with the LAPD. His mind was a roller-coaster of indecision, whether to fight for reinstatement in order to be close to Kensi and his old team, stay with the FBI and Joe, or return to the LAPD, each one pulling him in a different direction and all of them a complete uncertainty.

He became lost in all the conflicting thoughts and emotions as he drove, realizing too late he had passed by his exit to the hotel and was heading south on Highway 99. He considered turning around, but the drive was helping him think, so he kept going. In the back of his mind he knew where he was headed, but he didn't acknowledge it until he turned off onto the familiar road that ran alongside the river that would lead him back to Locke. He wasn't sure it was a good idea to return, but again he didn't care and there was no one to tell him not to, so he kept driving as the shadows of the trees along the riverbank lengthened and stretched across the narrow road.

The sun had just set when he parked by the marina and crossed the river road and walked down the main street toward Al the Wop's. He was looking forward to a beer and a steak as the pulsing sounds of the jukebox beckoned to him. He realized he'd been happy here during the first few days of the undercover operation. He had danced with Kensi and drank beer with the locals and he had felt in control of his life. Now everything in his life felt like shit, but the seedy bar and the friendly people of this town that had changed his life lured him back and he chose to ignore the slight feeling of unease that had settled in the back of his mind.

"Hey, Jimmy," the bartender shouted as he came in. He didn't even ask, he just opened a beer and set it down in front of Jimmy as he found an empty stool. For the first time in a week, Deeks felt himself relax and it surprised him. His whole world had changed since he first came here, yet this place felt familiar and comfortable, one of the few things that remained the same in his messed up life.

"You still shooting?" the bartender asked.

"Doing a photo study of local waterfowl," he answered and laughed inwardly at how easily he could lie.

"How's Annie?" One of the locals yelled out.

"She's not interested in birds," he answered with a laugh. "Decided to get some rest instead of working so much."

He wished they would stop asking about her. It brought back too many memories and he just wanted to forget everything that had happened for one night. He joined a game of liar's dice being played by a couple of elderly Chinese locals, winning occasionally because he was good at bluffing and buying drinks when he lost. His head was beginning to buzz a little and he bowed out, ordering a steak with fries and getting razzed as usual when he refused the requisite peanut butter and marmalade. He knew he was slightly drunk as he finished his dinner, but he ordered another beer anyway, hoping to blot out any reminder of his time here with Kensi. He missed her every day, but he didn't want to think about her tonight.

It was late when he stumbled out onto the wooden walkway and let the cool breeze off the river revived him somewhat. He chided himself for letting loose tonight and knew he would be in big trouble with Joe when he got back to the hotel. He would definitely be in for a tongue-lashing and he knew he would have to apologize. Joe was starting to replace Sam as his own personal ass kicker. He stepped into the street, but turned as he heard the sound of men talking in tense, hushed tones. Two men stood briefly in front of the Dai Loy Gambling Museum before disappearing inside, but the familiar figure of one of the men made Deeks freeze in mid-step. Lee Chao was back in Locke.

Deeks swallowed hard and a shiver raced down between his shoulder blades. His hand moved swiftly and unconsciously toward his gun as he moved stealthily back into the shadows of the building, his breathing shallow as his mind filled with images of explosions and blood and cries of pain. His hands were clammy as he gripped his gun tightly and walked warily toward the doorway the two men had entered. Listening intently outside the yellow and red door to the old gambling den, he took a deep, steadying breath before slipping silently inside. The only light in the room came from under a doorway at the back and he could hear the men descending a staircase as they carried on a mumbled conversation he couldn't quite make out. He recalled some of the research Joe had done on the gambling that used to go on in Locke and about stories of secret passageways that ran under the town. Now, he believed those stories as he stepped through the door and stood at the top of a dusty wooden staircase lit only by a string of old-fashioned Christmas lights.

He leaned back against the wall as his heart pounded in his ears. Lee Chao was within his reach. A man he had only watched from afar and who had tried to murder him and his closest friends and the woman he loved so deeply. He knew he should call Joe, but he also knew this might be his one chance to end this now, before Lee Chao escaped once again. He couldn't and wouldn't risk that, so he started quietly down the stairs, feeling almost nauseous as a trickle of sweat ran past his eye and down his jaw. The air became dense with dust as he got closer to the bottom and he struggled to control the urge to cough. He finally stepped down onto a dirt passageway that led along an old brick wall and disappeared into darkness.

He shook his head and cursed himself for not having his small flashlight with him, but moved forward anyway, not willing to turn back. As he reached the edge of darkness he heard voices once again and stopped, afraid to breathe. He saw a small, metal door in the brick wall and moved as close to it as he dared. He listened intently, trying to discern the number of men he might be dealing with but sucked in his breath as he heard a familiar voice pleading and then cry out in agony. The NCIS agent who had been so kind to him was in there and Deeks' stomach boiled with sudden rage as he listened to his muted cries for mercy. He wondered briefly what the hell he was doing in Locke but knew there was no time left for questions. He had no choice now. Pearson was in there and he couldn't let him suffer at the hands of this particular madman. He blew out his breath quickly and kicked in the door.

Lee Chao stood in front of the bloody agent with a stunned and then knowing look on his face. The man behind Pearson held a knife hard against the young man's throat and slowly smiled. The fear in Pearson's eyes was brilliant in its intensity and whatever plan Deeks had when he came in, ended with the soft words from Lee Chao.

"He'll slit his throat before you get a shot off," Chao said. "Put the gun down Jimmy, or this man will die right before your eyes."

Deeks looked sadly at Pearson's tear streaked face and spread his arms wide before placing his gun on the wooden table by the door. His chest felt heavy with disappointment and a great sorrow filled him as he looked into the young agent's fear filled eyes. Then he turned toward the man he had vowed to bring in for the atrocities he had committed and his anger returned. He had failed again and he choked on that knowledge.

"You're not a photographer, are you Jimmy?" Lee Chao's voice was smooth and almost hypnotic in its cadence. He had a hint of an accent, even though he had been born in this country. His contemptuous smile was pulled crookedly off kilter by a smooth scar that sliced both his lips and ended at his chin. Deeks remembered the first time he'd seen the man laugh and he had never forgotten how tortured that smile looked. Other than that he looked completely average.

"Does it matter?" Deeks asked as two men came in behind him. One man pulled his arms back and tied his wrists together tightly with rough twine as the other searched him carefully, pulling out his phone and identification and handing them over to Lee Chao.

"Ahh, of course," Lee Chao said lightly. "You're FBI. You're very good. I didn't know you were a Fed until that night on the pier in Rio Vista when I saw you with the other FBI agent. I didn't mean for you and your friend to survive, but now I'm rather glad you did. I have questions only you can answer."

Lee Chao came close to him then and his smile disappeared. A deep coldness settled in behind his eyes as he looked at Deeks.

"You have interfered with my business," he said. "And I am very serious about my business."

"Fuck your business," Deeks said, spitting in his face as an uncontrollably rage seized him. "You killed and wounded friends of mine, you sick bastard."

Deeks lunged toward him, managing to knock him backwards into the wall before the two men behind him could pull him back. They forced him to his knees as one man put him in a chokehold that had his vision dimming before Lee Chao waved him off. He smiled as he wiped his face clean with a light blue handkerchief, moving slowly toward Deeks until he stood looking down at him.

"Do you know this agent?" Lee Chao said, gesturing at Pearson. "Is he a friend of yours?"

"Never met him," he said, looking straight at Lee Chao.

Lee Chao walked over to Pearson and asked the same question. Pearson stared at Lee Chao before looking hopefully back at Deeks.

"I don't think so," Pearson whispered. "I'm new."

"You're worthless," Lee Chao said. "But maybe not to your associate, here. How about it, Agent Deeks? Is he worthless? Does he deserve to live or to die?"

"You're the one who deserves to die," Deeks answered.

Before he could say anything else, Lee Chao nodded to the man behind Pearson and the man slit the agent's throat without a moment's hesitation.

Deeks heard the scream of denial come out of his own mouth, but it sounded as if it was coming from far away, even in the small confines of the dirty little room they were in. He watched the life fade from Pearson's eyes and felt his own fill with tears as he wondered again how the young agent had come to be here. He sagged in the arms of the men that held him and waited to find out his own fate. He had failed and lost control to a madman and that knowledge left nothing but bitterness and a feeling of resignation that his journey was over. There were no more decisions to be made, only acceptance of what was to come. He rethought briefly his decision not to enter the room firing, and realized he had followed the law instead of charging in to wreak vengeance on a man who surely deserved it. Maybe killing Lee Chao would have saved Pearson, but he would never know, and he felt a deep regret for that. But he found he didn't regret that he had stayed true to his own code of honor, no matter what the final outcome. He had always held a deep respect for the law and this operation had tested that, but now he had made what he believed was the right decision and he could live with that, and if he died, then he would die respecting himself, just as Sam had wanted him to.

...


	21. Chapter 21

**Judgement: Chapter 21**

...

Joe's anger was simmering just below boiling as he entered the Med Center. His second and third phone calls to Deeks had gone unanswered and had caused a touch of fear to mingle with his anger. He had calmed himself after the first call and told himself Deeks had become upset after the firefight and gone off to be by himself to work things out. But, after his second call wasn't picked up, Joe had decided to try the hospital, rationalizing that Deeks needed to see his friends and talk about what was bothering him. That idea didn't set well with him, but he understood it. It was the third unanswered call that had added fear to the mix of emotions he was feeling. It was that empty feeling of cold fear that made him realized just how much Deeks had gotten under his skin in the last couple of weeks. He hadn't felt this close to a person since his brother had been killed and the thought that something might have happened to Deeks scared him and made him hurry to reach out to the people who knew him best.

It was late, so he knocked lightly at Callen's door before peeking inside. It was empty. A passing nurse directed him to the room down the hall where Sam Hanna had been moved to earlier in the day. He felt nervous as he knocked softly on the door before pushing it open. Callen sat in a wheelchair next to Sam's bed and the two of them looked surprised to see him.

"Hey, Joe," Sam said with a warm smile. "How's the FBI treating our favorite surfer?"

"Joe, where's Deeks?" Callen asked.

He had picked up on Joe's uneasiness immediately and his piercing blue eyes bore into the agent, making him take a deep breath before telling them about the firefight and the missed phone calls.

"You guys know him better than I do," Joe said when he finished. "Should I be worried or is this something he does when he's upset?"

"How's he been acting?" Sam asked.

"Quiet," Joe said. "After the firefight he kinda withdrew and didn't say much."

The two senior agents exchanged pointed looks before turning back to Joe.

"It's never good when he doesn't talk," Sam said. "But, not answering his own partner after three calls? That has me worried."

"Can't you track his phone?" Callen asked. "Or the GPS in the car he was driving?"

"Don't you have any techs over at the FBI?" Sam's voice rose as he questioned.

Joe could see the agitation and anger growing in the two men and it added to his own feelings of anxiety and alarm. He pulled his phone and called Tina on her private cell. If anybody could find Deeks it was Tina. When he looked up he saw Callen on his phone and sent a questioning look his way.

"Eric, it's Callen."

"What's up?" Eric asked. "You guys okay?"

"You told me Granger was tracking Deeks," Callen said. "Have you heard anything that might make you think Deeks is in trouble?"

"No, man, but I'll see what I can find out and let you know." Eric said and quickly rang off.

"Eric's got nothing," Callen said softly. "What about your guys?"

"Our guy is a she, Tina," Joe said, unable to keep the defensiveness out of his voice.

"Well, what's Tina got?" Callen wasn't even trying to hide his anger.

"Look, Callen, I'm as upset as you guys, so just ease up," Joe said.

"No, you're not," Sam said. "Deeks is one of us and has been for over two years. We care about him more than you know, so don't pretend you know how we feel."

"Sam, you're wrong," Joe said quietly. "I do care and it's tearing me up because I'm his partner and I should have been there for him after that firefight. I knew something was wrong, but I didn't want to push him. You might have known him longer, but don't tell me I don't care."

"Okay. Just tell us Tina can track him," Callen said slowly.

"Tina, what did you find?" Joe said suddenly into his cell.

"His car and phone are both in Locke, Joe," Tina said. "Should I be worried?"

"Yeah, we all should be," Joe said softly and ended the call, dropping his head into his hand and staring stunned at the floor.

"Joe?" Sam said.

"The dumb-ass went to Locke," Joe said slowly. "And he's still there."

"Why would he go back there?" Callen said to no one in particular. "Did he have intel Lee Chao was there?"

"I would know if there was intel about that," Joe said. "Unless..."

"Unless what?" Sam asked.

"We know Lee Chao is in the Sacramento area," Joe said. "Maybe he went home to see his parents and Deeks just happened to see him there."

"That still doesn't explain what Deeks was doing there," Callen said.

"Doesn't matter," Joe said, standing up and pocketing his phone. "He's there now, and he's not answering his cell and that means something's wrong."

"Why wouldn't he call you if he spotted Lee Chao?" Sam asked. "He wouldn't take on the man by himself would he?"

"He wants this guy bad. You know that," Joe said as he paused by the door. "Seeing all of you get blown up and then watching you fight for your lives scared the shit out of him. He told me a little about his childhood and you guys are the closest thing to family he's got and what Lee Chao did to you has made him a different person."

"He's struggling with what he'll do when he finds this guy," Sam said quietly. "He wants to kill him, but that's not Deeks. He's too law abiding to just kill in cold blood."

"Maybe," Callen said. "But, if he found him tonight in Locke and went after him on his own, he already made that decision. And if he didn't kill him, then Lee Chao either has him or has already killed him, because no way Deeks wouldn't call you if he got the guy."

"Shit!" Joe said and pounded his fist once against the door.

The three men stayed silent for a long time, no one looking at the others.

"Take a tactical squad with you, Joe," Callen finally said dejectedly. "Times up for walking softly. Go into that town and turn it upside down."

"Find him, Joe," Sam said with a tremor in his voice. "Either way, you bring him home."

"I will," Joe said and left.

"We can't tell Kensi, G," Sam said as he stared at Callen.

"Hetty will want to know," Callen said as he punched in the number.

"What can I do for you, Mr. Callen?" Hetty answered.

"Deeks is in trouble," Callen said.

"How bad?" Hetty asked.

Callen related their conversation with Joe Atwood and he could hear her voice tremble as she asked a few pointed questions.

"Hetty, Granger's been tracking him somehow," Callen said. "Find out what he knows and call Joe. He's on his way down there."

Hetty assured him she would find out any information she could from Granger and get back to him.

"You think he's already dead, don't you G?" Sam said quietly.

"There's no reason to keep him alive," Callen replied.

"Unless Lee Chao wants information about what the FBI knows about his operation," Sam said.

"You've always been an optimist, Sam," Callen said with a smile.

"I just don't want to believe he's dead, G," Sam said.

"Me either," Callen said and then they sat together in silence.

It was almost midnight when Hetty called back and Callen could tell she was terribly angry by the sound of her voice on first words out of her mouth.

"Granger told Agent Scott to send a surveillance team to Locke," Hetty said. "Instead, that little toady sent a rookie agent, Will Pearson."

"What the hell is wrong with him?" Callen asked.

"That's not something I can answer, Mr. Callen," Hetty replied. "But he didn't check in on time and they are concerned. I told them Joe was going down there because Deeks was missing and all Granger wanted to know was how I knew that."

"What'd you tell him?" Callen asked.

"That's classified," Hetty said, making Callen laugh briefly. "Tell Joe to keep an eye out for Pearson. He and Mr. Deeks may be together. He was with Scott when they took Deeks into custody."

"Deeks might have spotted him," Callen said.

"Let's hope they're both alright," Hetty said. "I'm sending a photo of Mr. Pearson you can forward to Joe."

"I'll let you know when I hear something," Callen said.

"Please do, Mr. Callen," Hetty's voice wavered as she spoke and Callen knew she was taking this hard. They all were.

...

Joe Atwood was usually an easygoing guy, quick to joke and good at putting his men at ease. But that was not the Joe Atwood the tactical squad met this night. This night, they met up with the Joe Atwood who had lived through two tours in Afghanistan. He was steel-eyed and dead serious and no one made light comments because the look on his face was warning enough that the search for Deeks meant everything to him. There was no laughing and no one was at ease when they drove into Locke at one in the morning and parked directly outside Al the Wop's. Joe spread four of the six-man team around the entrance before sending two of the men off to find the car Deeks had been driving. Then he walked boldly into the dimly lit bar fully armed with an assault rifle and in battle dress, his vest proclaiming FBI in stark white letters.

"Anybody see Jimmy Satterlee tonight?" Joe asked loudly with a no nonsense voice that had everyone instantly alert.

"He walked in here just after the sun went down," the bartender said nervously. "Are you here to arrest him? I thought he was just a photographer."

"How long did he stay?" Joe asked firmly.

"He left about ten," the man said. "He was pretty drunk tonight and kinda quiet. Not talkative like he usually is."

"Did you see where he went after he left?" Joe asked.

"I walked out just after he did," one of the other patrons said. "He was headed up toward the museum the last I saw him."

"Any of you see this guy the last couple of days?" Joe said as he showed Pearson's photo around.

"Yeah. Nice kid," the bartender said. "Could nurse one beer for three, four hours. Didn't see him tonight though."

"He was always kinda snoopin' around," one of the locals said. "Is he a cop?"

"Why would you ask that?" Joe said, getting a bad feeling.

"He just looked like one," the man answered.

Joe walked back outside and most of the bar patrons followed, standing and watching as Joe was joined by the two squad members who reported that Deeks' car was still at the marina. Joe looked up the street and started walking toward the museum. His mind was racing as he recalled the historical research he had done as preparation for his undercover alias. He remembered the stories about underground passageways and if they really existed, then Lee Chao could have been using them all this time and no one would have ever known he was down there. The closer he got to the entrance the faster his heart began to beat. He quietly opened the doors and motioned to his men to use hand signals the rest of the way, as he moved silently inside, beaming his flashlight around the room, illuminating displays of old cards and roulette wheels. He noticed the door in the back was slightly ajar and he motioned his men to follow.

Joe looked down at the scuffmarks in the dust at the head of the old wooden stairs and took a deep breath. He listened for any sound and then motioned for extreme quiet before slowly starting down the dimly lit stairs. Darkness and silence greeted them at the bottom. The flashlights revealed a dirt path and a brick wall, but nothing at the end. Joe would have passed by the metal door if the man behind him hadn't tapped his shoulder. Joe nodded and the door was kicked in. He froze at the scene that appeared within the moving beams of the team's flashlights. Joe dropped his head to his chest as he stood before the dead body of the young NCIS agent. His chest was covered in blood from the wide cut across his throat and his pale eyes stared unseeing at the feet of the man in front of him.

"Shit!" Joe whispered.

He jumped as one of his men tapped his shoulder and pointed back out the door. Joe followed and looked where the agent's flashlight beam fell. There were footprints in the dirt and signs of someone being dragged between them and for the first time tonight Joe felt some hope. He moved quickly, motioning for his men to watch for side doors as their flashlight beams pierced the deepening darkness of the passageway. Suddenly they saw a brick wall in front of them and paused as their pathway ended and a new one ran off in opposite directions. Joe split up the team, sending three men down the passage on the left as he and the other three took the right. They began to pass more doors and Joe's hope began to fade as the passageway lengthened out and turned several times. Finally they saw light seeping under a doorway ahead and they slowed their pace. Joe motioned for his men to stop as he crept to the door and listened. He could hear two men taunting someone and froze as he heard them use the name of Deeks' alias, Jimmy. He pulled his service revolver and violently kicked open the door and shouted "FBI" at the shocked men inside.

One man dove for his gun, but Joe killed him with three shots to the chest. The other man stumbled back from a metal cage, dropping a cattle prod as the squad leader shot him down before he could say a word. Joe walked slowly to the cage in the middle of the room and almost retched when he saw what they had done to Deeks.

The room was lit by one industrial lamp that hung over the small metal cage in the center of the room. Deeks was suspended in the middle of it. He'd been stripped to the waist and his arms had been pulled up behind him and tied to the top of the metal grid above him, leaving him bent at the waist and knees, unable to stand up or to lie down. His face was covered in blood and his hair was matted with it. His ribs were badly bruised and the burn marks from the cattle prod were dark and mean against his pale skin. He wasn't moving and Joe trembled with rage as he rushed to get inside and free him. Yanking the door open he was forced to crawl on his hands and knees to reach him, wrapping his arms around him and supporting his body as one of the men cut the restraints away that bound him to the top of the cage. Joe heard a low groan as Deeks' arms dropped free and he lowered him to the floor and gently turned him over onto his back. With his men's help Joe pulled him out onto the brick floor and someone quickly covered him with their shirt. No one spoke, but the anger in the room was palpable as the men surrounded him. Joe lifted his head and tried to clean the blood from his face, causing Deeks to jerk away and cry out.

"It's okay, man, I got you," Joe said as he pulled him back into his arms. "You're safe now."

Deeks opened his eyes and smiled briefly, but it turned into a grimace of pain as he tried to sit up.

"He was here, Joe," Deeks whispered. "Lee Chao was just here."

"We missed him Deeks, I'm sorry," Joe said as he held him down.

"He had an NCIS agent, Joe," Deeks said slowly closing his eyes. "He had him killed right in front of me. Pearson shouldn't have been here, Joe. He should never have been here."

"We found him," Joe said softly.

"I should have called you, Joe," Deeks said.

"Yeah, you should have, you dumb-ass" Joe said. "You scared the shit out of all of us."

"I didn't want him to get away," Deeks said, his voice fading as he slowly lost consciousness.

Joe had to take several deep breaths to try and control his emotions as his men prepared a makeshift stretcher. He had only known Deeks for two weeks, but in that time the two men had forged a bond that was deeper than any Joe had made in his lifetime other than the one with his brother. Tonight, he thought he had lost him, and it had frightened him badly and made him realize just how much his new partner meant to him. Now, Lee Chao had made it personal for him and he intended to make him pay for what he had done to Deeks tonight.

...


	22. Chapter 22

**Judgement: Chapter 22**

...

Joe was tight-lipped as he watched the doctors treating Deeks. He had remained unconscious all the way back to the Med Center, but when he'd been lifted onto the exam table he had fought fiercely and it had taken Joe and two of his men to help hold him down. Joe had kept talking to him until he'd finally recognized he was with friends and stopped struggling, allowing the doctors to get a look at his wounds. One doctor had just finished stitching up the cut on the side of Deeks' forehead when Joe felt someone touch his arm and he flinched at the contact.

"How's he doing?" Callen asked softly.

"That bastard used a cattle prod on him," Joe said, his anger still hot and his mood dark. "We found him tied up in a cage like he was an animal. Shit, you wouldn't even do that to an animal. I've never seen anything like that, even in Afghanistan."

"A cage? How was he bound?" Callen wheeled his chair in front of Joe and grabbed his arm tightly. "Joe, describe it exactly."

"What? Why?" Joe was stunned by the request. He just wanted to forget how Deeks had looked in that cage and Callen wanted details. "Why the hell do you want to know that?"

"Because it's important," he answered.

Joe began describing the cruel way Deeks had been tied inside the cage and as Callen began to nod his head Joe realized the description wasn't new to him.

"You've seen this before," Joe said slowly.

"It's a common form of torture used by Chinese intelligence," Callen said and quickly pulled out his phone and made a call. "Hetty, there's more going on here than arms dealing. I think Lee Chao's working with Chinese Intelligence. After hearing what he did to Deeks, I'm pretty sure they trained him too."

After talking with Hetty, Callen stared back into the room where Deeks was slowly starting to move around.

"As soon as he's able, I need to talk to him, Joe," Callen said.

"You mean we, right?" Joe said. "You do remember he's an FBI agent now?"

"If I'm right, this is bigger than both agencies," Callen said. "This may end up being a joint operation, Joe, so get used to it. If Chinese Intelligence is running this guy, then there's more to this and the DOD and CIA may get involved."

"I'll call my boss in the morning," Joe said.

"No need," Callen said. "Hetty is calling him right now."

"What about Granger?" Joe asked. "Has anyone told him Agent Pearson is dead?"

"That's Hetty's job," Callen informed him. "Ours is to find out what kind of information Lee Chao was torturing Deeks for."

"So are you and I working this case together now?" Joe asked.

"Sort of," Callen said with a slight smile. "Technically, I'm not back on active duty and our two agencies haven't agreed to work together just yet, but Hetty will have that all resolved by morning."

"Are you up for this, Callen?" Joe asked.

"I've been better, but I've also been worse," Callen answered. "But I do know what Deeks went through last night and I want to nail this bastard and his handlers. If the Chinese are running this guy, then they are trying to destabilize our government by arming homegrown terrorists. But the theft of those highly secretive long range rocket launchers changed the game."

"I probably shouldn't be telling you this, but we discovered that Lee Chao has a cargo ship docking at the port today," Joe said, somewhat reluctantly. "And we think the rocket launchers are somewhere in the area."

"You two have been busy," Callen said with a tight smile.

"If Lee Chao manages to move the rocket launchers onto that ship, then he can be out to sea and on his way to China in a very short time." Joe was getting agitated and began pacing so Callen gripped his arm, pulling him around to face him.

"It's personal for you now, isn't it?" Callen asked when Joe finally looked down at him.

"I haven't been this angry in a long time, Callen," Joe said and walked over to one of the chairs and slumped down into it. "I've never had a partner I felt this close to before and when I saw him beaten and tortured like that and trussed up in that cage, I felt a rage I haven't felt since my brother was killed in Iraq."

"He does tend to grow on you," Callen said softly.

"Yeah," Joe said with a slightly embarrassed grin.

"Speaking of partners, I better call Sam," Callen said. "He'll want to know how he's doing."

"I'll check with the doctors," Joe said, rising quickly from the chair.

His eyes locked onto Deeks and Joe could tell he was in a lot of pain even though he'd been given something for it. He could still see the raw ligature marks around his elbows and wrists and the burns that dotted his chest and ribs were red and ugly. His eyes were rimmed with dark bruises and contusions, but his blue eyes shown with intensity as he stared back at Joe.

"Can I see him, doc?" Joe asked one of the attending residents.

"We've admitted him, so he should be in a room shortly," the doctor said, "But you can stay with him until they take him up."

"How is he?" Joe asked.

"His heart rate's still a little fast from the shocks he received and we're treating the burns," the doctor told him. "His left shoulder is partially dislocated which we're icing down now and his ribs are pretty badly bruised, but no new breaks. He's experiencing some dizziness, but he's doing better than I expected."

"I hope you got the brutal bastard who did this." the doctor said as Joe walked past him to go to Deeks. The doctor looked angry as he spoke that final sentence and Joe wished he could tell him they had.

"We're working on it," Joe said, his own anger still pulsing strongly as he walked to Deeks' side.

"Hey, partner," Joe said. "Don't ever do that again."

"What?" Deeks asked weakly.

"Go in alone, you stupid son-of-a-bitch," Joe's eyes flashed dangerously and Deeks turned his head away. "You almost got yourself killed, man, and that would have really pissed me off." Joe's voice softened as he finished and his anger faded as Deeks continued to stare off into space.

"I should have saved him," Deeks said quietly. "Pearson was scared out of his mind and I didn't do anything but watch him die."

"Tell me what happened Deeks," Joe said. "It'll help."

"No it won't," Deeks said.

"Try, man," Joe encouraged him.

"Fuck off, Joe." Deeks looked back at him and he saw his own rage mirrored in his partner's steely blue eyes. "I gave up my gun to that asshole and they killed him as if he were nothing. Lee Chao said he was worthless. He said he was worthless, Joe, and I couldn't do anything to stop it."

"Why?"

"Because there was a knife to his throat when I came in and..." Deeks choked up and couldn't finish.

"He would have killed him if you had fired, so you gave up your gun," Joe said, finishing for him. "You didn't have a choice Deeks."

"I hesitated, Joe." Deeks said. "I thought I could just shoot Lee Chao down, but I couldn't. I hesitated."

"You hesitated because they had a knife at Pearson's throat. You're not a murderer Deeks, you're an officer of the law," Joe said. "You did the right thing."

"I should have called and waited for you, Joe," Deeks said. "I got Pearson killed."

"No you didn't, Deeks," Joe said. "He shouldn't have been there in the first place. He wasn't an undercover operative and he got made the minute he walked into that town. Lee Chao found out pretty quickly that Pearson had no valuable information, so he was going to kill him. If you had waited for me he would have been dead when we got there. So, stop blaming yourself."

"Thanks for coming for me, Joe," Deeks stumbled over the words as he closed his eyes. Joe realized the pain medication had finally kicked in and Deeks was close to sleep.

"I'm your partner, dumb-ass, which you sort of forgot tonight," Joe said, resting his hand on his arm. "I need to know where you are at all times, so don't go off without telling me ever again."

"Yes, mom," Deeks said with a tired smile. Then he was out with a soft snore that made Joe smile and slowly release his breath, his hand trembling slightly as he squeezed his partners arm.

"You better remember," Joe said softly. "Or I'll kick your ass."

...

Deeks was disoriented when he woke and his memory of the night before slammed into his mind and left him reeling. He moved to adjust his position with his left arm, not realizing it was tightly ensconced in a sling, then gasped at the first hint of hot pain from the burns on his chest, ribs and abdomen. He tentatively reached up to feel the latest stitches to his head, remembering the flash of red he saw as Lee Chao pistol-whipped him with his own gun. Then he remembered the cage, and he closed his eyes and tried to quell the terror that rose suddenly and sent shivers through his whole body. He shakily took a couple of sips of water just as the door opened.

"Hey Deeks," Sam said softly as he maneuvered his wheelchair up to Deeks' bed.

There was a look on his face that Deeks couldn't quite decipher. He thought there was sadness, but also relief in his eyes, but he could see a touch of anger there as well and that put him on guard. He knew what he had done was against everything Sam believed in, and he shouldn't have been surprised that he took it as his duty to get out of his hospital bed to come and remind him what an idiot he was.

"I screwed up, Sam," Deeks said, sliding down so he could lay his head back and stare at the ceiling. He couldn't look Sam in the eye and waited to hear the reprimand he knew was coming. Joe's had been bad enough, but it was nothing compared to what Sam could dish out.

"Yeah you did," Sam said firmly. "You went in without back-up and almost got killed. I have a partner like that, so I know how upset yours is. What were you thinking, Deeks?"

"I was afraid I'd lose him," Deeks said.

"And we were afraid we'd lost you," Sam said loudly, his anger and fear raw and unmistakable. "Your lucky Joe found you."

"If Joe hadn't found me I'd be dead, Sam," Deeks said.

"Yeah, so don't do that again, Deeks," Sam said. "You scared the crap out of me and I can't take that right now."

"I'm sorry, Sam," Deeks said, finally looking at the senior agent. "It won't happen again."

"Callen told me what they did to you," Sam said and Deeks saw pain in the big man's eyes and it moved him. "How you dealing with that?"

Deeks looked away and tried to keep from shaking and Sam reached out to him, putting a firm hand on his knee until he could get himself under control.

"It was one of the most painful things I've ever experience," he said softly. "I didn't tell him anything, but I was close, Sam...so close it scared me. Hanging in that cage exhausted me so fast that I couldn't think...I couldn't get any relief from the pain and he wouldn't stop, Sam. He kept asking me questions for what seemed like hours, shocking me again and again no matter what I said...I was so close to breaking, Sam...so close."

He began shaking again and reached for more water, embarrassed by his weakness in front of one of the strongest men he knew.

"But you didn't break," Sam said. "You stayed strong and you survived. That's a victory, Deeks. I'm proud of you."

"But I keep losing him, Sam," Deeks said. "He's so damn smart. He's a step ahead of me every time I get close."

"He won't be for long, Deeks," Callen said as he wheeled his chair into the room.

"How's that?" Deeks asked.

"I knew from how he tortured you that he was involved with Chinese Intelligence," Callen said. "That was just confirmed by the CIA. They'd been tracking him under a different name for a while back east, but then they lost him about a year ago."

"Which is when he appeared on our radar as an arms dealer," Sam said. "He must be good if he ditched the CIA."

"Deeks, tell me about the interrogation," Callen asked.

"At first he didn't ask me anything, he just had his men beat the crap out of me," Deeks recounted. "He was pissed that my alias fooled him. But then he got down to business. He described exactly what he was going to do to me and then gave me a quick demonstration of the effects of a cattle prod." He stopped briefly and took a shaky breath before continuing.

"Then they dragged me into that room with the cage," Deeks said. "I didn't think I would even fit inside the thing. I was wrong. They knocked me out and when I woke up I was hanging inside and as soon as he saw I was awake he started asking questions...lots of them...one on top of the other...fast...so fast I couldn't answer and each one followed by a quick shock from the cattle prod. I couldn't catch my breath and my arms felt like they were coming out of their sockets. When I was completely exhausted he slowed way down, making the shocks last longer before asking me a question."

"What did he want to know?" Callen asked.

"How long we'd been tracking him," Deeks said quietly. "What other agencies were involved and if we knew about the cargo ship. I didn't tell him anything, Callen."

"Did he know you'd been with NCIS?" Callen asked.

"He never asked about NCIS, just the CIA and the DOD," Deeks said.

"He thought the whole thing was an FBI op." Callen said. "If Granger hadn't sent them in on this op, we would have taken the bastard down three weeks ago."

"He knew Joe and his partner were FBI pretty early I'm guessing," Sam said looking quickly at Callen. "Deeks had him fooled. We would have surprised him completely if the FBI hadn't been sent in there."

"Deeks, if you didn't tell him anything, why did he stop the interrogation?" Callen asked.

"A guy came in and spoke to him and he left," Deeks said.

"Somebody tipped him that Joe and his men were in town," Callen said. "Joe saved your life, Deeks."

"I know," Deeks said. "Too bad he's so pissed at me. I don't think he likes me very much right now."

"We're all pissed at you Deeks," Sam said.

"Deeks, he was scared for you," Callen's voice was soft and Deeks looked over at him as he spoke. "Seeing you in that cage ripped him up and now this whole op is personal to him because of what Lee Chao did to you."

"So he's not mad at me?" Deeks asked.

"Oh, he's mad alright," Callen said. "We all are, but not at you. Well, maybe Sam is a little. We're forming a joint Task Force and taking Lee Chao down tonight when he tries to move the weapons onto that cargo ship."

Deeks immediately sat up and started to push the side rail down on his hospital bed.

"Where do you think you're going?" Sam asked.

"If you think I'm missing this, your crazy," Deeks said. "I earned this one and you both know it."

"You have a few hours before the Task Force meets," Callen said. "So get some more rest. I'll call Hetty so she can swing by and pick you up. You've earned this, Deeks. Just take care of yourself, okay?"

"Now you're starting to sound like Hetty," Deeks said with a smile.

...


	23. Chapter 23

**Judgement: Chapter 23**

...

"Can you do this, Mr. Deeks?" Hetty asked, turning to look intently into the bruised face of her former agent.

They were parked in a visitor space in front of the Sacramento FBI office where the Joint Task Force was meeting. She had argued long and hard with Callen about whether it was wise to allow Deeks to join the raid on Lee Chao's cargo ship. She had talked to the doctors about his injuries and had confronted him about his mental state before agreeing, but she wasn't happy about it, especially after he had reminded her that he no longer worked for her so she really had no say in the matter. That comment had made her spitting mad, but she knew he would say or do anything to be in on Lee Chao's take down and she didn't blame him for that. He had earned that much at least, but to say she was worried about his capabilities would be an understatement.

"Can you physically do this?" She slowly and pointedly asked again when she got no response.

"I'm hurting, Hetty," he said honestly," But, I have to do this. I have to see this through for my own sanity and for all of you."

"Don't do this because you think you owe us something, Mr. Deeks," Hetty said vehemently. "Because you don't."

"I made a promise to each one of them, Hetty," Deeks said quietly. "I told them I would finish it and that's what I intend to do."

He looked calmly at her then and she saw the determination in his eyes and she nodded slightly and smiled back at him.

"You're a good man, Marty Deeks," she said. "Take care of yourself out there, because I want you back at NCIS and that was my promise to the team and to you."

"I can't think about that right now," he said. "I have to focus on this op and deal with everything else when it's over and Lee Chao is either in custody or dead."

The tenacity in his voice was unmistakable and it finally convinced her, so she patted his arm and got out of the car. He eased himself out and stood, slowly removing the sling that held his partially dislocated shoulder close to his body. She saw him wince as he flexed his arm and tried to move his shoulder. He looked over at her and tilted his head at her and cracked a crooked grin, but his eyes were dark and there was a hint of danger there. Callen had told her that Joe Atwood believed what had happened to her team had made Deeks a different person and maybe that was true to a certain extent, but deep down he was still that tough little boy who had fought for his life against his own father and come out the winner. She expected nothing less from him now.

They walked slowly into the reception area and were directed down a long hall to a foyer outside the conference room. Hetty excused herself to take a phone call from Director Vance while Deeks made his way toward some of the men from the FBI tactical squad who had been in on his rescue. As he stretched out his hand to shake the squad leader's hand he didn't notice the man closing on him rapidly from behind. Agent Scott gripped his injured shoulder and spun him around and he almost went down. He gasped at the sudden pain as members of the tac squad stepped forward to steady him.

"You fuckin' coward," Scott said as he moved toward Deeks. "How come you're always the one who walks away, huh?"

The squad leader and another man stepped resolutely in front of Deeks, stopping Scott from getting to him.

"Back off, now," the squad leader said loudly and firmly.

"I'm an NCIS agent," Scott said, adjusting his suit coat and finally looking at the man. "This asshole let a rookie agent die, yet here he is walkin' around."

Deeks angrily pushed between the two FBI men and stood before Scott breathing hard and fuming.

"Pearson never should have been there, Scott," Deeks shouted in his face. "You sent a rookie with no undercover experience to a small town to do surveillance on an experienced arms dealer and you wonder why he got made?"

"From what I heard, you surrendered your weapon and let Lee Chao slit his throat," Scott said, pushing Deeks in the chest. The tactical squad closed around Deeks and moved menacingly toward the NCIS agent.

"Shut the fuck up, Dick," Joe Atwood spit out as he rushed in front of his squad and pushed the agent bodily away from his partner. "You don't know shit. You screwed up and Pearson paid for it."

"Agent Scott, stand down," Hetty said firmly from behind.

"You can't tell me what to do," Scott said, whirling around to face her.

"I just did, Mr. Scott," Hetty said, her eyes narrowing as she took a step toward her new agent. "And if you don't obey my order, I will have you taken into custody for insubordination. You remember how that's done, don't you Mr. Scott? Then, I will transfer you to the worst place I can think of and I know of quite a few, just off the top of my head. Of course I can always do more research. I wouldn't want you to go to just any shit hole. It has to be the best. Do I make myself clear Mr. Scott?"

Scott glared darkly at her before turning back to point at Deeks.

"Watch your back, Deeks," he said with a nasty look and walked away.

"Let it go Joe," Deeks said, grabbing Joe's arm as he started after Scott.

"Starting without me, Henrietta?" Granger asked from behind the group.

"Your need to keep your boy in line, Owen," Hetty said, as she turned to greet him.

"What about your Mr. Deeks?" Granger responded. "Seems he's still as incompetent as I thought he was. Isn't that right, Deeks? Care to tell me the real version of what happened to Agent Pearson?"

"You think I lied?" Deeks fought to control his building anger and Joe quickly planted his forearm in his partner's chest to keep him away from the man.

"I have some questions about your report," Granger said.

"He doesn't answer to you anymore Granger," Joe said. "He's on our team now and we all know what happened and we back him one hundred percent. Got it?"

"Let's tone down the testosterone, shall we, gentlemen?" Hetty said calmly. "We're working together on this operation, remember? Now, I think we're all needed in the meeting, so let's just leave all these recriminations out here in the foyer and concentrate on bringing down Lee Chao."

Tempers cooled as she spoke and she motioned Assistant Director Granger toward the door to the conference room and followed him. The FBI agents stood together in a group after they left and talked briefly, with Deeks taking the time to thank each man for coming to his rescue. The squad's wariness around him was gone and they entered the meeting as a cohesive unit and that wasn't lost on Hetty.

The Joint Task Force meeting was being conducted by the FBI's Assistant Director of the Counterterrorism Division, James McLoughlan as well as Granger for NCIS and was attended by agents and tactical squads from both agencies. Also present were representatives from the Department of Defense and the CIA. Agents Callen and Hanna were sitting in via video conferencing, as were Eric and Nell and Tina and Marv. The tension rose in the room after the CIA rep confirmed that Lee Chao was in fact an agent being handled by Chinese Intelligence.

"I would like to ask FBI Agent Marty Deeks to give us a synopsis of Lee Chao's character and habits," Assistant Director McLoughlan said. "He's the agent whose been tracking him for over a month and who has first hand knowledge of this man. He is here with us today in spite of having had a physical confrontation with Lee Chao and his men last night that put him in the hospital and we appreciate his being here to brief us personally."

Deeks was stunned. He was hesitant to go forward, so Joe pushed him in the back to get him moving. He tried to keep from limping and stood up straighter as he walked gingerly to the podium. He had never spoken in front of such a large group before, especially one composed of such high-powered people. He glanced at some of them as he made his way forward and saw nothing but respect in their eyes, which surprised him. As he walked by Hetty, she nodded and smiled encouragingly at him and it gave him confidence. He didn't look at the video screen that contained images of Callen and Sam and the techs and analysts, afraid he would see them smirking at him. The only sour note was the dark, hard look on Granger's face when he finally reached the podium, but that didn't surprise him at all.

He swallowed hard as he tried to collect his thoughts about where to start and took a sip of water from the glass provided with a shaky hand. He closed his eyes and thought back over the past four weeks and simply started at the beginning. Recalling all of the events made them fresh again in his mind and he faltered several times as he recounted them, feeling his knees weaken as he came to the end. He didn't go into detail about what he'd suffered physically the previous night, but he did give credit to Joe and the squad that saved him and to Agent Will Pearson.

"Agent Pearson lost his life protecting sensitive information about this operation and the agencies involved," Deeks said. "He was a brave man, and I'm sorry I couldn't save him."

Deeks struggled to control his emotions as tears briefly watered his eyes, but he steeled himself and went on.

"The agents and tactical squads going out on this mission tonight need to remember this," Deeks said. "Lee Chao will not hesitate to kill you if you give him the chance. So don't waver if you confront him, because he won't. He loves to blow people up, so be sharp and watch yourselves out there."

Deeks turned to see Assistant Director McLoughlan reaching out to shake his hand. Again he was stunned at the look of respect on his face and on those from the CIA and DoD who nodded to him as he left the front of the room. When he reached Joe and his men, he stumbled slightly and Joe quickly steadied him and gave him a questioning look.

"Are you up for this?" Joe asked with concern deeply etched on his face.

"I'm good to go," Deeks said. "It's the speeches that I can't handle."

"Well, you're a dumb-ass, so that's understandable," Joe said with a grin. "But you did okay for a guy who just got the shit beat out of him."

"You should have spoken," Deeks whispered. "You're so good with words."

They both became silent as Eric began to report.

"Agent Deeks managed to copy the files from a computer on board Lee Chao's yacht the night he and Agent Atwood recovered some of the RPGs." Eric said nervously. "We've been working on it for some time. The information was encrypted and Nell Jones and I, with help from Tina Nguyen and Marv Reddick at the FBI finally managed to decode a number of the files. There were a lot of files and it wasn't easy..."

"One of the files we were able to access was a list of properties being rented or that had been purchased by the Chinese government through a series of shell corporations." Nell said quickly, interrupting Eric, who smiled embarrassingly as he sat next to her.

"One of those properties is an isolated warehouse in West Sacramento, close to the river and less than a mile from the Port of Sacramento," Eric chimed in. "Not many cameras in the area until you get close to the port. Tina discovered that the same truck that was parked at the warehouse has been making repeated trips to Lee Chao's cargo ship. Which is called "Year of the Snake," which in the Chinese Zodiac corresponds to the year Lee Chao was born."

"It's also a fire symbol," Tina interjected.

"Well that's appropriate," Hetty said, eliciting nods from Callen and Sam.

When the techs finished their report, it was analyzed and assignments were given out, while the field agents and tactical squads prepared for the coming firefight. Even though it was supposed to be a joint operation, the two agencies seemed to keep their distance from each other and the tension between the two groups was evident.

Deeks suddenly felt very tired, brushing the hair out of his eyes as he leaned weakly against the table in the back of the room. He quickly searched his pocket for one of the pain pills the doctor had given him and poured himself a glass of water.

"You might have fooled some of these people, Deeks," Granger said as he came up behind him, his voice heavy and tight with anger, "But you don't fool me. You think you have what it takes to bring in Lee Chao, but you and I both know you don't. You've messed up and been bested by him at every turn of this operation and I was glad to be rid of you, but here you are again, in my hair and hardly able to stand up. I don't know who approved your participation in this op, but you aren't up to the task and never were."

"I approved his participation in this op, Owen," Assistant Director McLoughlan interrupted. "And if you have a problem with that, you can kiss my ass."

"I see you still have a way with words, Jim," Granger said, turning to face him. "He can barely stay on his feet and you think he's up for this?"

"His readiness is no longer your concern," McLoughlan replied. "He's one of mine now, and I'm proud to have him."

"You'll regret it in the long run." Granger said with a snide smirk and walked back to join Agent Scott and the NCIS squad.

"Thank you, sir," Deeks said, standing straighter as he spoke. "I guess I better stay out of his hair tonight."

"What hair?" McLoughlan said with a smile and slapped Deeks lightly on the back. "I have the utmost confidence in you Agent Deeks. Hetty does too, but she's worried about you."

"How do you know Hetty?" Deeks asked.

"I'll tell you that story one of these days," McLoughlan answered. "But, let me just say, you're lucky to be away from Granger. He's a prick and a dangerous one, but Hetty and I are dealing with it. You just do your job and get Lee Chao off the street. If you do, you'll be able to write your own ticket within the intelligence community. Everyone's watching this, Agent Deeks."

"This has never been about earning respect for myself or getting a better job, sir," Deeks said. "It's always been about justice for my old NCIS team."

"I know. That's why I'm proud to have you."

...


	24. Chapter 24

**Judgement: Chapter 24**

...

The night was amazingly warm as Joe and Deeks sat without speaking in the old gray pickup he'd bought almost three weeks ago, the only sound coming from an occasional grunt from Deeks as he tried to get comfortable. Their surveillance of the cargo ship "The Year of The Snake" had stretched into the early hours of the morning and Deeks was hurting more than he wanted Joe to know. Their truck was tucked into the shadows of the entrance to one of the low-slung warehouses close to the dock. There were two other surveillance teams in various locations around the Port of Sacramento, each one keeping watch for Lee Chao's arrival, wanting to catch him on the ship with the weapons they were sure were already on board. Over the course of the evening they had watched several large trucks being unloaded next to the ship, the large floodlights over the dock casting harsh shadows as men on forklifts moved boxes of supposed machinery parts into the cargo hole of the ship. But now it was quiet, the forklifts abandoned and Deeks began to get antsy. He shifted once again and couldn't keep a hiss from escaping his lips as a white-hot stab of pain shot through his shoulder.

"When did you take your last painkiller?" Joe asked.

"Just after the meeting," Deeks answered.

Joe unscrewed the cap on a bottle of water and held it out to him and nodded, causing Deeks to smile and fish in his pocket for two pain pills he hoped would take the edge off of the constant throbbing in his shoulder.

"Thanks for the reminder, Mom," Deeks said after downing the pills.

"So what is it between you and Granger?" Joe asked softly. "And why does he keep saying you're incompetent. Is there something I should know, partner?"

"You starting to believe him, Joe?" Deeks questioned, not able to keep a twinge of hurt from his voice.

"No, of course not, dumb-ass, but I'd like to know what made him hate you so much," Joe said, realizing the effect his words had on his partner. "Did you shoot his dog by mistake or something?"

"I would never shoot a dog, Joe, even if it was Granger's," Deeks said. "Besides, no self respecting dog would have anything to do with him."

"Then what was it?" Joe smiled briefly. "You steal his girlfriend?"

"At first, I thought that's what he wanted me to do," Deeks said softly and then turned his head away to stare out into the darkness.

"Okay, that's weird. Spill it, man," Joe said earnestly.

"He sent me on a personal undercover mission outside of NCIS," Deeks recounted. "I wasn't allowed to tell the team or Hetty and if I did he threatened to deny my application to become an agent and he threatened to transfer Kensi."

"The guy's a real asshole," Joe said.

"Yeah. He wanted me to get a woman away from a drug cartel," Deeks said, "And I thought it was his girlfriend, but it wasn't, it was his daughter. He was my only backup and I managed to bring her to him, but then he left me stranded with some nasty guys on my tail that came close to killing me and she never forgave him for it. She hasn't spoken to him since and he blames me for that."

"Family's a funny thing," Joe said quietly. "Sometimes it's easier to bond with people you just met than it is to stay close to the people who should love you unconditionally."

"Wow, Joe, that actually sounded like wisdom," Deeks laughed lightly.

"Don't act so surprised," Joe said with a broad smile.

"I'm not, partner," Deeks said.

"Now, we both know you are incredibly incompetent in many things, dumb-ass," Joe said with a huge grin, "But, why does Granger keep saying it?"

"He obviously thought I was competent enough to infiltrate a drug cartel," Deeks said with a quizzical look on his face. "He's just never thought I was good enough for NCIS. He doesn't think I have the training or the intelligence and he was pissed when he was ignored and I was hired over his objections."

"Deeks," Joe suddenly whispered urgently. "Your two."

Deeks looked quickly off to his right and saw a dark sedan pull out of one of the warehouses and silently glide over to park by the ship.

"The bastard's been here all along," Deeks said.

Joe spoke softly into his com to alert the agents and tactical squads from both agencies and then looked at Deeks with a searching look. They both took deep breaths and Joe noticed his partner's body go rigid as they saw Lee Chao exit the car and make his way up the gangway, followed by several bodyguards.

Deeks wasn't sure what he was feeling, but seeing Chao again sent a cold shiver down his spine and left his palms clammy. He wanted so desperately to end this. He was tired, tired of being exhausted all the time, tired of the tension that gripped his body and tired of being bested by this murdering bastard. He wanted new memories; memories that didn't include watching people he cared about blown up, their bodies shattered and their minds struggling to recall their own memories. He wanted to end this tonight and get on with his life, wherever that may be.

"Deeks?" Joe said a little too loud, making Deeks turn to stare at him.

"What?" Deeks asked.

"Don't get drifty on me, man," Joe said. "The teams are ready to go. Are you?"

"Yeah, I'm good to go," Deeks pulled his automatic weapon into his lap and checked his Glock. He nodded to Joe and they both climbed out of the pickup and activated their coms and waited for the go order, which would be given by Granger.

Suddenly they saw a four-man-team moving quickly across the dark asphalt, heading silently for the gangway, their shadows stark as they passed under the floodlights.

"What the hell are they doing?" Joe's said. "There's no go order yet. Who the fuck is that?"

"Kill the lights now, Eric," Deeks said into his com and the lights illuminating the docks were doused, plunging them all into darkness except for the dim lighting from the ship.

Deeks and Joe started running through the dark toward the ship, not waiting for the go order, afraid that the team already making its way on deck had been spotted. As they reached the gangway, they heard the go order and knew that the tactical squads and SWAT teams would be right behind them. They moved swiftly up the gangway and onto the deck, searching frantically for the team that had preceded them. They saw them moving along the bulkhead toward the bridge and as they started to follow they heard voices behind them. Turning quickly toward the sound they saw six men with automatic weapons taking up positions overlooking the dock.

"Take cover! You've been spotted!" Deeks yelled into his com just as the men began firing on the teams below. Joe and Deeks opened fire on the assailants as shouts for help and screams from the wounded and dying agents echoed in their ears. Deeks felt nothing but blind rage as he continued to fire on Lee Chao's men. They brought down three of them but had to move into the open to do it. Two of the men quickly realized they'd been flanked and returned their fire and Deeks was immediately hit in the leg and collapsed to the deck.

"Deeks!" Joe shouted his name as he rose up over him and shot and killed one of the men and wounded the other, who was dragged away by the last man.

"Joe, I'm okay," Deeks said through gritted teeth as Joe knelt down and helped him lean back against a crate. "Warn that team that boarded early. They were definitely spotted."

"You sure you're okay, man?" Joe asked, panting hard, worry creasing his face.

"Go, and watch out for Lee Chao," Deeks said pushing Joe away.

Joe paused for half a second before nodding at his partner and running toward the last place he'd seen the four-man-team. Deeks fought through a wave of dizziness as he struggled to his feet and edged along the row of crates, using them for support as he followed after Joe. He called into his com for status checks on the support teams and caught his breath as he realized how few of the men had answered. Their perfect plan was in tatters and men were still yelling for help on the dock below. He closed his eyes briefly and tried to keep a feeling of dejection and failure from overwhelming him. He slowly stoked the anger and rage that been a part of him since he'd seen his old team almost killed in front of him. Lee Chao had managed to turn the tables on all of them again and men were dying and he had to stop it.

When he finally made it to the area below the ship's bridge he saw Joe arguing with the NCIS team that had started early and recognized the raging face of Dick Scott. He saw him shove Joe angrily away and start toward the stairs that led to the upper deck when he heard the familiar sound of a rocket grenade being launched and Scott and his men disappeared in an explosion of violent fire.

"Joe! No!" Deeks screamed as he watched Joe's body fly backward and crash into the ship's bulkhead and collapse limply to the deck.

The world went silent for him then. Except for the loud roaring in his head and the ringing in his ears, he heard nothing and saw nothing but the broken body of his partner. He fell to his knees stunned by what had happened and trying to deny that it did. He couldn't lose Joe. He couldn't watch another friend in agony. Not again. It was so much like the first time that he began to shake as the dark memories assailed him once again. Then his mind began to fight the lassitude that threatened to keep him from responding and he felt a surge of adrenaline that snapped him out of his stupor. Then he struggled to reach him, dragging himself through the fire and remains of the other team, trying not to gag. When he got to him, his hand shook as he searched for a pulse and warm tears streaked down his face when he felt it beating weakly against his fingers. He let out his breath and sat down next to him, gently pulling him into his arms as he looked for wounds and becoming cautious when he noticed his badly broken arm. Joe's face was streaked with blood from a jagged cut on his head and Deeks could see several pieces of shrapnel embedded in his vest. More blood seeped from a wound in his abdomen and he pressed down as hard as he could, trying to stop the bleeding.

"Joe? Talk to me, Joe," Deeks said, but got no response and it shook him. Joe's head rested on his chest and he felt himself growing weak and lightheaded as he continued to lose blood from his own wound.

"It's gonna be okay, Joe," Deeks said softly. "Somebody will come and you'll be good as new." He realized he was rambling as he talked, but he couldn't stop himself, talking as much to convince himself as he was trying to get Joe to respond.

"Deeks, status!" Callen's voice came through his com and surprised him, settling his fraying nerves and giving him hope.

"Callen, Joe's badly wounded, and Scott and his team are dead," Deeks said.

"Hang in there, Deeks," Callen said firmly, "Help is on the way. You okay?"

Deeks' answer died on his lips as he saw Lee Chao walking calmly toward him. He realized he had lost his gun after the explosion and was now at the madman's mercy once again.

"You got away from me once, Jimmy, but not this time," Lee Chao said as he stood looking down at him. He held a semi-automatic pistol at his side and didn't appear to be in any hurry to get on with it.

"You really have been a pain in the ass," he said as he looked around at the scattered bodies and debris from the explosion. "Friends of yours?"

Deeks didn't bother to answer as he let his hand drop to the deck and began to search for Joe's gun. If it hadn't been lost when he hit the wall, then it was close to his body and he frantically felt around for it as Lee Chao gloated.

"When I went back to finish you off in Locke, I was very disappointed to find you gone and my men dead," Lee Chao said as he smiled coldly and paced back and forth in front of Deeks. "Now you turn up on my ship and attack me, but again everyone underestimates me. You can see what that cost you." he spread his arms wide and smiled down at the dead men that surrounded him.

Deeks stopped breathing when he felt the cold metal of Joe's weapon touch his hand. He hoped his injured shoulder could handle the strain, but he had no choice and it didn't stop him. Lee Chao was still chattering about his victory and a look of complete surprise filled his eyes when Deeks brought Joe's gun up and emptied the clip into his chest and face. The bullets slammed into him, forcing him back and over the edge of the cargo hole and Deeks listened until he heard the impact of his body hitting the bottom and then he let out a small cry and let the gun slip from his hand.

"I got him, Joe," he whispered as he wrapped his arms around his partner and slowly passed out.

"Deeks!" Callen shouted into his ear, but got no response. "Granger, where the hell are you?"

"I've got the backup tactical squad with me and an FBI SWAT team just arrived." Granger informed him calmly. "I'll secure the long range rocket launchers as soon as I get on board and find my team. I sent them in early to take out Lee Chao."

"Granger, haven't you been listening to your com?" Callen asked with exasperation. "Deeks and Atwood are down, and Scott and his team are dead."

"Who said that?" Granger demanded.

"Deeks," Callen answered. "I've got medical personnel on the way. What the hell happened out there, Granger?"

"I don't know," he answered.

...


	25. Chapter 25

**Judgement: Chapter 25**

...

The emergency room was utter chaos with doctors and nurses rushing between exam rooms, shouting for extra units of blood and IVs as the halls became choked with incoming wounded. Hetty was almost run down by a gurney being pushed through the door from the ambulance bay with a paramedic straddling a bleeding agent and performing CPR as it flashed past her. She paused briefly in her search to take the hand of a young member of one of the NCIS tactical squads as he lay quietly moaning on a gurney that waited in the hall. She stayed with him until a couple of interns finally arrived to take him into one of the exam rooms. She leaned against the wall after he was gone and tried to calm her racing heart and to control the anger she was feeling. Then she continued her search for Marty Deeks. She asked at the desk, but the nurse manning it couldn't help her and looked as if she needed help herself as more ambulances arrived. Hetty shook her head and stepped into the waiting room to get out of the way of the latest arrivals. Then she saw him and a sense of relief instantly swept over her. He was on an incoming gurney and was trying to sit up as he yelled at the paramedics wheeling him in.

"Take him first," Deeks shouted, only to be pushed back down by an obviously angry and frustrated EMT.

"Mr. Deeks," Hetty called out, and he turned to look at her, his face a frantic mask of worry and uncontrolled fear.

"Hetty, make them get Joe in, please," he said, his voice high and cracking as he spoke. His belief that she could control any situation touched her, but she knew her influence in this situation was almost nonexistent, but she nodded at him and it seemed to calm him down. The paramedic gave her a thankful look and she realized her former agent hadn't been an easy patient for him. The scene was so eerily reminiscent of a month ago that it jarred her and she reached up to touch the wall to steady herself.

The paramedics parked his gurney in the hall and she moved quickly to his side as Joe was pushed past them and into a room. She rested her hand on Deeks' arm, as she looked him over. She could almost feel the adrenalin pumping through his veins as he strained to see what was happening with Joe Atwood.

"He has to be all right, Hetty," He said softly as he finally laid his head back. The air seemed to leave his lungs then and she saw tears glaze his eyes as he brought his arm up to cover his face.

"How are you doing, Mr. Deeks?" Hetty asked. "You scared the crap out of poor Mr. Callen when you didn't answer your status call."

"I killed him, Hetty," Deeks said so quietly that she almost didn't hear him. "I emptied a clip into the murdering son-of-a-bitch."

"Lee Chao. Yes, I saw that, Mr. Deeks," Hetty said.

"How?" he asked raising his arm to look at her.

"Eric accessed the ship's onboard security cameras," she replied. "We saw everything that happened."

"I should have killed him the day after he took out our team, Hetty," Deeks said as he stared glassy-eyed into space. "When I went back to Locke to keep an eye on him, I wanted to walk across the street and knock on his door and shoot the bastard point blank, but I didn't, because I'm an officer of the law, and we're not supposed to do that."

She was alarmed at the bitterness in his voice and was scared for him.

"If I had killed him that day, none of this would have happened," he said. "All the men who died tonight would still be alive and the wounded would have been home with their families, instead of bleeding in the dark and Joe wouldn't be in that room fighting for his life. This is on me, Hetty, and I'm not sure how to live with it."

"You're judging yourself rather harshly, don't you think, Mr. Deeks?" Hetty asked.

"Am I?" He asked.

Before she could comment he was wheeled away by a couple of interns who informed her he was going straight up to surgery. She knew he could be hard on himself, but to take on all of the guilt for what had just happened would be overwhelming and she had to find a way to convince him he was wrong. She asked a passing intern about Joe Atwood and was told he was holding his own, but had a severe head wound and had lost a lot of blood from all the shrapnel wounds and would be going up to surgery as soon as they could get him stabilized. She knew if he died, that Deeks would never truly forgive himself.

"Callen, we need to talk," Hetty said quickly into her phone.

"Hetty, how is he?" Callen asked.

"I spoke with him briefly before he went up to surgery," Hetty said. "Mr. Callen, he's blaming himself for all of this."

"What? Why?" Callen sounded shocked.

"He feels he should have killed Lee Chao the day after all of you were wounded," Hetty said solemnly.

"God, Hetty, he can't do this to himself," Callen said.

"But he truly believes it and we have to find a way to convince him otherwise, Mr. Callen," she said, "If we don't, then he's lost to us and more importantly, he'll be lost to himself, because he won't recover from this."

"Did you tell him what Granger did?" Callen asked.

"No, of course not, Mr. Callen. He's filled with enough anger already," Hetty said.

"He's going to find out one of these days, Hetty," Callen said. "And when he does he might not be able to control his reaction, especially if Joe dies."

"Granger has plenty of people after his tight ass right now," Hetty replied. "Let's help Mr. Deeks recover before he finds out."

"Keep us posted Hetty," Callen said. "Sam's not taking any of this well, and Kensi knows something happened, but I've managed to convince her that Deeks is okay."

"I'll let you know when he's in a room," Hetty said. "He'll need someone to talk to, Mr. Callen."

"Sam and I will be there for him," Callen said.

Hetty ended the call and then started to make her way through the confusion to head up to the OR when she saw Assistant Director James McLoughlan of the FBI standing silently in the waiting room. He looked completely stunned and when she caught his eye he shook his head, disbelief and sadness plainly visible on his face. They hadn't known each other very long, having only met a couple of years ago in Washington when she'd made a visit to Roger Stinson at the National Security Branch of the FBI.

"How are you holding up, James?" Hetty questioned softly.

"I lost some good men out there tonight, Hetty," He answered, "And I would have lost more if Deeks hadn't shouted out that warning."

"Yes, he and Joe did a good job tonight," Hetty said. "I'm sorry for all this, Jim. It shouldn't have happened."

"I'm going to see to it that Granger is brought before the Congressional Oversight Committee, Hetty," McLoughlan said vehemently, the anger flashing in his eyes as he spoke. "I've already called Director Vance and Roger has been talking with SecNav. Granger sent his own team in first and jeopardized the whole op. If he had just waited until the lights were doused like we'd planned then his team wouldn't have been spotted and my men would still be alive. "

"We all lost good people tonight, Jim," Hetty said. "But we took down a Chinese agent and recovered more highly secretive weaponry than we even knew he had stolen. That ship was his covert operations center and had a state of the art communications set-up with links to Chinese Intelligence. There's a lot of top secret information to be culled from that ship and we have Deeks and Atwood to thank for finding it."

"How are they Hetty?" he asked. "I haven't had a chance to check on them."

"They're both in surgery," Hetty said softly. "I'm afraid Agent Atwood's wounds are quite serious. Mr. Deeks will recover physically, but mentally and emotionally, I'm not so sure."

"He's been through a lot," McLoughlan said. "But he saw it through, Hetty. He got that bastard."

"Yes, but he blames himself for not taking him out earlier," Hetty said.

"We both know there's not one operation that doesn't leave you with a few regrets," he said solemnly. "But this one wasn't his fault, it was Granger's. He was working his own agenda, Hetty, and the FBI will make sure he pays for that."

She watched him go and shook her head as she realized how unsettling the coming weeks and months would be. Her phone rang again and she took a deep breath when she saw who was calling.

"Yes, Leon," she said.

"What the hell happened out there, Hetty?" He was shouting into the phone and she was forced to pull it away from her ear.

"Your favorite Assistant Director botched the op, Leon," she said. "He was more interested in making a name for himself than making sure the operation ran smoothly. He sent his own hand picked team in first just so he could claim the prize of capturing Lee Chao and it cost a lot of lives and hopefully his career."

"Hetty, he was in charge of the operation, so that was his decision to make." He replied.

"But he didn't stick to the plan, Leon," Hetty heard her own strident voice rising. "He didn't wait for the lights to be shut down before sending in his men and they were spotted. He was overanxious, Leon."

Leon Vance was silent then, and she could almost hear the doubts forming in his mind.

"Leon, the FBI will not let this drop," she said quietly. "They're taking it to the Oversight Committee and you know what that means."

"Yeah. I've already had a call from SecNav," Leon said, defeat evident in his voice. "He wants someone to answer for this mess."

"There should be no question as to who that should be, Leon," Hetty said. "No question at all."

...

Deeks woke slowly; exhaustion and pain tearing at him and making him close his eyes once again, searching for relief. The relief wouldn't come, but the memories did and he opened his eyes just to get away from the flashing scenes that were playing out inside his head. He wondered what day it was and his thoughts flew to Kensi and Callen and Sam. Confusion unsettled him as he recalled the violent explosion and he cried out as he remembered Joe.

"Joe." he said, but his voice was barely above a whisper.

"It's just us, Deeks," Callen said softly. "Joe's still in surgery."

"Callen? Sam?" Deeks said, "He's still alive?"

"Yes he is, Deeks," Sam said.

He looked at them for a few seconds and then closed his eyes and turned away. They talked to him for a while and tried to ask him questions about how he was feeling, but they got no response. His eyes would open occasionally, but he wouldn't look at them and Callen could tell Sam was getting angry with him.

"I don't think he's happy to see us, Sam," Callen said, trying to break some of the tension.

Sam said nothing in reply, he just kept staring at Deeks and Callen saw him clench his fists in frustration and knew how upsetting this was for him. Sam had wanted to go down to the ER to look for Deeks, but Callen had convinced him they would both just be in the way, so they had waited together with Kensi, until a nurse came to tell them that he was out of surgery. They had been waiting for him to wake up so they could let Kensi know he was okay, but Callen wasn't sure he wanted to tell her about this Deeks. This Deeks was unresponsive and withdrawn, his face rigid and his eyes open, but unseeing and it was scaring the shit out of Callen. He didn't seem angry, just despondent and completely in his own closed off world.

"Stop this, Deeks," Sam suddenly said loudly. "Stop it right now!"

But again there was no response, no movement in his body or his face.

"Deeks, this wasn't your fault," Callen said softly and gripped his arm.

Tears slipped silently from Deeks' eyes and Callen exchanged looks with Sam, both hoping they had broken through to him.

"You were wrong, Sam," Deeks said as he stared at the far wall.

"About what, Deeks?" Sam looked confused by the comment.

"You told me to stay within the law," he said. "You told me not to become a murderer so I would respect myself when this was all over, but you were wrong, Sam. I should have shot him all those weeks ago and ended this. But I listened to you, Sam. I listened and now men are dead because I stayed within the law. How can I respect myself now, Sam?"

Callen saw nothing but anguish on Sam's face as Deeks spoke.

"This op was blown Deeks," Sam finally said quietly. "But not by you. You weren't in charge out there, Granger was. You called out a warning that saved lives tonight, Deeks. Think about that. Get your head clear and quit judging yourself. You did your job, Deeks."

He made no comment and hardly acknowledged that Sam had spoken and Callen looked sadly at Sam, who shook his head and wheeled his chair toward the door. Callen patted Deeks' arm one last time and turned to follow Sam out. They had seen Deeks take on guilt before, but this time it was unwarranted and they weren't sure they would be able to make him realize just how hard he was being on himself.

They paused in the hall and Callen could see the anger on Sam's face.

"He's in shock, Sam," Callen said. "He doesn't know what he's saying."

"Do you think he was right, G?" Sam asked. "Do you think he should have just walked up and shot Lee Chao the day after our op was blown? No one would have blamed him if he had."

"You would have, and you know it, Sam," Callen said. "Second guessing doesn't do anyone any good on this one. We would never have discovered Lee Chao was an agent for the Chinese, and you know there are more agents out there. Hetty said that ship was state of the art, so Lee Chao wasn't the only one using it. He was just the tip of the iceberg."

"That's a reasonable assessment, G," Sam said as they headed toward their rooms. "But what Deeks is feeling isn't reasonable. He's just hurting and he's angry about what happened out there tonight. Seeing Joe almost killed right in front of him shook him, so I can't even imagine what he went through when the three of us were injured. He's never had a chance to recover from that, let alone from what Lee Chao did to him, and now tonight's firefight. He needs to heal, G. He just needs time."

"Well, he may not get it," Callen said. "The shit's gonna hit the fan on this operation and there'll be an investigation and he's gonna be in the middle of it. If he tells them he feels responsible, he'll be letting Granger off the hook."

"No way Granger gets away with what he did tonight, G," Sam said. "No way."

"I hope you're right Sam," Callen said, shaking his head. "I really hope you're right for Deeks' sake."

...


	26. Chapter 26

**Judgement: Chapter 26**

...

He was in his own world now. A world of guilt and regret that swirled inside a deep melancholy that dragged at him and that he couldn't seem to shake. His mind continually leaped from scene to scene from the night before and the days and weeks before that and went endlessly back and forth from mistake to mistake he was convinced he had made. He didn't think he had ever felt this tired in his life. He had no energy to even open his eyes or to respond to nurses or doctors. He remembered Sam and Callen's visit, but couldn't recall what they'd said or when they had been there. He thought he had made Sam angry, but wasn't sure how or why. He just wanted to sleep, to escape his own memories, his own mind and the torturous sounds in his head, but sleep was fleeting, so he lay silently in the dark as his mind ranted at him in voices he couldn't escape and faces he couldn't forget.

He'd been sleeping fitfully and thought he felt someone touch him. He forced his eyes open, wondering who it might be and hoping whoever it was might offer a respite from his raging thoughts.

"Kensi?" Deeks was stunned to see her. "Am I dreaming?"

"No, Marty, you're not dreaming," she said with a soft smile.

"Should you be out of bed?" Deeks asked as he struggled to sit up so he could look at her.

"I have the doctor's permission and everything," she said.

She was in a wheelchair, but her voice was steady and strong and her words were even and clear. Her head was wrapped in a small bandage and he could see that her hair was beginning to grow back and it made him smile. His eyes filled with tears as he looked at her and then she took his hand and kissed his fingers and the tears fell from his eyes at the gentle reminder of his previous life.

"I'm sorry I haven't visited you for a while," he said as he edged closer to her, taking her hands in his and staring at them as he spoke.

"Don't apologize, Deeks," she said in her partner voice and he couldn't stop a laugh from escaping.

"I've missed you," he said, his eyes locking with hers.

"I've missed you, too," she said. "Are you okay?"

"No, Kens, I don't think I am," he said and turned to look again at the same wall he'd been staring at for most of the day.

"Tell me."

"You don't need to hear all the shit that went down, Kensi," he said, not even trying to keep the bitterness from his voice.

"Don't think I'm strong enough to handled it?" she asked with a touch of anger.

"I didn't mean it that way, Kens," he said quickly.

His eyes searched her face then, wondering if that was exactly what he'd thought. She was obviously recovering from her horrendous wounds, but mentally he wasn't so sure and he didn't want her hurt any more than she already had been.

Her fingers began to trace the ligature marks around his wrist and he saw her eyes glance up at the ones still vivid in the crook of his arms. Then she tried to lift the hem of the hospital gown and he pushed her hand away, causing her to glare ominously at him, so he looked away, letting her raise it to view the dark bruises and raw burns marking his body.

"Are you in a lot of pain?" she asked as she let the gown fall back to cover him.

"Painkillers help," he said softly, still not looking at her.

"You're a terrible liar for an undercover cop," she said.

"Kens, I'm an FBI agent, remember," he said.

"Really. You think I don't remember that fact?" She asked loudly as her eyes flashed. "That creep informed me personally that he was my new partner because you had gone to the FBI and I was furious with you in that instant. You should have told me yourself, but instead you babied me and took the coward's way out. You just left me without a word."

Her words cut him deeply and he stared at her, afraid to say anything, afraid she hated him and unsure if he could handle that if it were true. He closed his eyes and took a shaky breath, trying to decide what he could possibly say that would fix things between them.

"So that's it?" she asked. "No response? No wiseass comment about my creepy new partner?"

"Kens, he's dead," Deeks said, opening his eyes.

"What?" She asked in a trembling voice. "Last night?"

"Yeah. He and his team were caught in an RPG explosion," he said, finally looking at her sadly. "They didn't have a chance. Joe was wounded and I don't even know how he is. Some partner, huh?"

"Deeks, you're too hard on yourself. You always have been," she told him, taking his hand and stroking it gently. "Do you want me to find out how Joe's doing for you?"

"To be honest, I'm afraid to find out," Deeks answered. "He was bleeding so badly, Kens and I couldn't stop it."

"You really like the guy, don't you," she asked.

"He's a good man, Kens," he said. "He's kept me sane for the last three weeks. I feel safe with him. He's a friend."

He felt his hands start to shake and she took them once again into her own and held them tightly as strong emotions tore through him.

"It's my fault, Kens," he said softly. "All of it is on me. All of the deaths, all the wounded men. If I had killed Lee Chao when I had the chance everyone would be okay."

"Except for you," she said. "You told me once we couldn't just smoke whoever stands in our way. That it was the difference between us and them. Remember that, partner?"

"This time it's different," he said, cocking his head at her as he tried to make her understand.

"No it's not, Deeks," she said. "You had no idea how this operation was going to play out. All you're doing now is second-guessing yourself. You were part of a team last night Deeks; a joint task force with leaders and agreed upon plans...plans that weren't followed. How is that your fault?"

"But Kens..."

"No, Deeks. This wasn't your fault, it was Granger's, and if you let yourself off the hook long enough to look back on the op, you'll see that it's the truth," she said, her voice strong and determined.

She suddenly stood up from the wheelchair and leaned toward him and he quickly grabbed onto her arms to steady her. She stretched her hand out and brushed his hair back from his forehead and then caressed the side of his cheek with the back of her fingers as she held his gaze with her own tear filled eyes. He sat up and pulled her toward him, wrapping his arms around her and resting his head on her shoulder, his breathing ragged and choked with tears. They held each other until he felt her tremble and then he broke their embrace so she could return to the wheelchair, never letting go of her hands.

"Think about what I said, Marty Deeks," she told him, "While I go find out how your new partner is doing."

"Thanks, Kens," he said. "Thanks for coming to see me. I miss you more than you can ever know."

"I might just tell that to Joe, just to make him jealous," she said with a grin and a saucy tilt of her head.

"He already knows," Deeks said as he watched her wheel expertly out the door.

He leaned back on his pillow as he tried to hold onto their conversation and to the feeling of her hand ghosting across his cheek. She was okay, she was healing, sounding just like she use to when she would chastise him about his willingness to assume guilt and he reveled in being in the presence of the old Kensi, the one he knew so well and who he loved so deeply. Joy, so lost to him just a few minutes before, began to fill his heart and lighten his spirit and he found himself smiling. Then his mind turned back to the dark pain of last night's failed operation and he started to analyze every step he'd taken and every decision that had been made. The scenario played unrelenting through his mind and he relived each fear and each terror until he couldn't take anymore. He pushed the button to release more pain medication and slowly drifted off, finally finding relief from his tortured thoughts.

...

Joe hadn't felt this bad since being wounded in Afghanistan. He was pretty sure he felt exactly the same way after getting blown up by an IED during his final tour and it pissed him off. He'd hated getting caught in an explosion the first time and now it had happened again, leaving him with painful wounds all over his body and a badly broken arm and lacerated legs. He struggled with the pain and tried not to rely too heavily on the morphine that he could access when he needed it. He hadn't pushed the pain med button in several long hours and he was hurting, so he wasn't in a very good mood when Kensi maneuvered her wheelchair into his room with the help of a nurse.

"Hi Joe, remember me?" Kensi said with an intoxicating smile.

"You're kinda hard to forget, Kensi," Joe answered. "You're the prettiest visitor I've had. Of course your competition was a couple of grizzled FBI honchos here to ask me how I managed to get myself blown up."

"Been there, done that," she replied, losing her bright smile.

"Sorry, I forgot," he said quickly. "Shrapnel to the head tends to make me a dumb-ass."

"But a funny one," she said with small grin. "Marty's worried about you."

"How is he? He took a bullet in the leg last night," Joe said.

"Physically he'll recover," she said sadly. "But mentally, he's fighting old demons."

"What do you mean?" Joe asked.

"How much do you know about his childhood?" Kensi asked.

"A little, thanks to that asshole Granger and his prick of a special agent, Scott," Joe answered. "I know he shot his dad, but I'm pretty sure that was in self defense 'cause Scott said his dad used to beat the crap out of him. I also know he's alone in the world except for you guys. He misses you all, but especially you, Kensi."

"What you don't know is that, thanks to his father, he tends to take on the blame for anything that goes wrong," she said. "And that's what he's doing now."

"Are you serious?" Joe asked. "He's blaming himself for what happened last night?"

"And for everyone who died or was wounded, including you," she said, her voice breaking as she spoke.

"That dumb-ass," Joe shouted into the room. "Did you tell him he's a idiot? Because I will."

"That won't help him get past it, Joe," Kensi said. "He thinks he should have shot Lee Chao right after he attacked us. If he had, then last night wouldn't have happened."

"He needs to get away from here, Kensi," Joe said quietly. "He needs to rest and recover and get as far away from all that's happened so he can clear his head, but he won't do that if he thinks you need him here."

"I know," she said.

"Kensi, I'm taking a leave of absence from the bureau," Joe said softly. "I'm going back home to do my rehab, and I think Marty should come with me."

"Where's home?" Kensi asked, her eyes suddenly bright with tears.

"Wyoming." Joe reached out and took her hand. "I know. It's a long way from here, but maybe that's what he needs."

"What if he won't go with you," she asked, gripping his hand tightly.

"Then I guess I'll have to lay a guilt trip on him," Joe said softly. "If he already blames himself for what happened to me, then that shouldn't be too hard."

"That's kind of cruel, don't you think?" She said angrily, pulling her hand free from his.

"No more cruel than what he'll do to himself if he stays here in the middle of everything," Joe said solemnly. "I know how heavy guilt is, Kensi. I carried my share after I lost half of my unit in an IED explosion in Afghanistan. Going home to my dad's ranch was how I got through it. It's peaceful there and close to a good rehab facility. He's pretty beat up himself and he hasn't had time to heal from what Lee Chao did to him."

"What are you talking about?" Kensi asked, sitting very still as she stared into Joe's eyes.

"Shit! They were afraid to tell you," Joe said, breaking eye contact.

"Then you tell me, Joe," Kensi said, her eyes flashing with anger that he'd never seen before.

"Kensi, if Callen and Sam didn't think you should know, then..."

"I said tell me," Kensi's voice cut him off sharply, shocking him briefly into silence.

"Deeks said you were tough," Joe said finally. "This will be hard to hear, but when you do, you'll know I'm right that he needs to get away for awhile."

Joe told her everything that had happened. He told her about the earlier firefight that had left Deeks distant from the FBI team and how he had disappeared that night, going back to Locke by himself. He told her about the underground passageway where he and his tactical squad had found Agent Pearson and how he was killed right in front of Deeks. Then he stopped and looked at her to see how she was taking it and he saw she was struggling.

"Kensi, what comes next is sickening," Joe said quietly, his voice shaky and uncertain.

"If you can tell it, I can listen," she said firmly as she gathered herself. "I saw the wounds on his body, so I know it was bad."

Joe's voice wavered several times as he told her how they had found Deeks. His anger grew as he spoke and she reached once again for his hand and he smiled gratefully at her. When he finished he was breathing hard as they sat staring at each other until Kensi broke the spell.

"I think you're right, Joe. He needs to go home with you," she said, wiping tears slowly from her face. "He's earned it."

"He won't go if you need him here to help with your recovery," Joe said.

"Don't worry, I'll deal with that," she replied. "I'm stronger than I look and he knows that."

"I'll talk to my boss about giving him the time," Joe said.

"Now all we have to do is convince him that you need him more than I do," Kensi said with a small grin.

"I can look pretty pathetic when I want to," Joe said, smiling in return.

"That I can believe," Kensi said. "I'm having trouble picturing him in Wyoming. He's such a city boy and he'll miss the ocean."

"My dad can teach him to ride," Joe said. "That will give him something to do. He might even like it."

"Deeks on a horse?" Kensi laughed. "You better send pictures, because no one will believe that without solid proof."

"He looks kinda sexy in a cowboy hat," Joe said laughing in return. "Seeing him on a horse just might turn you on."

"You're not gay are you?" Kensi asked.

"Did Deeks tell you that?" Joe choked out a laugh. "Because I am not gay."

"Guess I'm just a little jealous of you," Kensi said quietly.

"Kensi, he likes me, but he loves you," Joe said earnestly.

"Take care of him Joe," she said. "And remember, I want him back."

"I won't be able to keep him," Joe said. "He's yours, Kensi. Always has been and always will be."

...


	27. Chapter 27

**Judgement: Chapter 27**

...

Deeks stared out the window of the plane at the Teton Mountains gleaming starkly in the distance and tried to convince himself once again that coming to Wyoming with Joe was the right thing to do. When Joe had first mentioned to him that he would be taking a leave of absence to go home to his dad's place and asking him to come along, telling him he could use the support while he was rehabbing, Deeks had strongly resisted. They had argued and he'd pissed Joe off with some of his less than kind comments about a former Army Ranger needing help, leading to a volatile argument that had left them estranged for several days. Deeks remembered how badly he'd felt about their fight when Joe came down with a severe infection in his leg that had put him back in ICU. He stayed with him until he was out of danger, but seeing his friend fighting for his life once again had scared him and when Joe was able to talk they had reconciled and joked with each other like they had done since the first time they'd met.

Deeks knew he hadn't been very good company since they'd taken down Lee Chao, even Hetty had gotten exasperated with him and rattling her wasn't easy. Sam had stopped coming to see him at all, leaving Callen and Kensi as his only visitors outside of occasional debriefing sessions with the FBI. He had refused Granger's request to interview him after hearing that there was an internal investigation going on and that they all might be called before the Congressional Oversight Committee. All of it had left him in a dark mood, and when he'd been released from the hospital he had shut himself off from everyone except Kensi. She was the one who'd finally convinced him to come on this trip with Joe. Again he'd argued against it, but she was her old adamant self and insisted Joe needed him more, while she had the whole team to look after her. Now he questioned his decision all over again as the small commuter plane began its descent into Laramie, Wyoming.

"Wake up, Joe," Deeks said as he gently shook his sleeping partner. "You're home."

"What? Oh, it's only Laramie," Joe said, rubbing his hands vigorously over his face and the beginnings of his new beard.

"I thought this was where you were from," Deeks said, slightly confused.

"This is the closest town with an airport," Joe said with a grin, grabbing his hat out of the overhead bin.

"You mean your hometown is smaller than this?" Deeks asked, genuinely surprised.

"You didn't pay any attention at all when I told you where we were going, did you?" Joe asked.

"Not much," he admitted. "So how far do we have to drive?"

"About an hour and a half," Joe said as they made their way slowly down the stairway to the tarmac.

"The real boonies then," Deeks said with a goofy smile, enjoying the chance to razz his partner.

"Yeah, dumb-ass. It's the real west," Joe said as he gently put his hat on, careful not to disturb the bandage that still covered part of the right side of his head.

"You okay?" Deeks asked as he noticed Joe grimace.

"Just peachy," Joe said. "Half my hair's gone and my hat doesn't fit good, so yeah, other than the fact I'm shuffling along like a little old lady, I'm just terrific."

"And a bit touchy, if you ask me," Deeks said as he limped along beside him.

"I'm touchy?" Joe said a little too loudly. "Look whose talkin'. You get the blue ribbon for irritability."

"Sorry, man. You must be tired." Deeks said. "Let me get the bags so we can get out of here."

"I got those, son," a tall man said as he took the two bags from Deeks and sat them on the ground.

He started to protest until Joe walked past him and wrapped the man in a huge hug. Deeks could see tears in the big man's eyes and he held on to Joe tightly and whispered something in his ear that he couldn't hear. When they stepped back from each other, the man looked Joe over and shook his head.

"You look like something the cat dragged in, kid," he said and then looked over at Deeks. "You must be Marty. I'm Joe's dad, George."

"Nice to finally meet you, sir," Deeks reached out to shake his hand, but George took it and pulled him into a bear hug that practically cut off his circulation, surprising the hell out of him. He struggled free and sent a stunned look at Joe, whose face was covered in a huge smile.

"I got the truck out front, boys," George said as he picked up both bags and headed off at a brisk pace.

"You didn't tell me your dad looks like Clint Eastwood," Deeks said softly as they followed after him.

"I think my dad probably carries a few more pounds," Joe said.

"And all muscle," Deeks said. "I think he cracked a rib."

"He is a hugger," Joe laughed at Deeks' obvious bewilderment.

"You think?" Deeks said, finally smiling.

The long drive took them across open grasslands sparsely dotted with small houses and barns and populated with grazing herds of cattle and horses lazily cropping the grass in the dying light. Deeks had nothing to compare it to except the desert, but this was somehow richer and more spacious and brought out none of the fear the desert held for him. The vast openness of the landscape brought with it a sense of freedom he had only found on the ocean and the undulating grasses moving constantly in the sweeping winds reminded him of the sea and his body began to relax. He had been holding himself tightly during the entire flight, angry he had given in to Kensi and worrying about her. Only his concern for Joe had made him concede that coming here was probably the right thing to do. He owed him so much and Deeks still believed he was responsible for what had happened to him, having rejected everyone's attempts to convince him otherwise.

He let his mind drift as he took in the passing panorama, halfway listening to the comfortable conversation between Joe and his father taking place in the front seat. It was easy and filled with references to old friends and animals and work that needed to be done. They laughed occasionally, and he smiled at how similar to two men sounded when they did. He found himself feeling a little jealous of their relationship. He couldn't remember ever having had a talk like this with his own dad. All he could remember was the yelling and the harsh judgement that usually followed. Joe would turn to look back at him once in awhile and he could see the change in him. He was relaxed and smiling, at ease and comfortable, the job and the last month and a half relegated to the back corners of his mind and he envied him. This was good for him, and Deeks figured he could put up with being out in the middle of nowhere if it helped Joe recover.

They had just crossed a small creek lined with cottonwoods and low growing willows, when Deeks suddenly sat up straight and pointed out the window.

"Is that what I think it is?" Deeks practically shouted.

"Yeah, man. It's a buffalo," Joe said laughing.

"You never seen a real live buffalo, son?" George asked, grinning at him in the rearview mirror.

"Only in the movies," he answered as they passed the small herd. "I feel like I'm in 'Dances with Wolves'."

They all laughed at that and Deeks let himself relax a little more. He hadn't known what to expect when he had agreed to come to Wyoming. He really had no concept of the landscape and even less about ranching. Everything he knew about the area he'd gotten from books or the movies, just like most people. Now he found himself looking forward to waking up to a new world, one that was open and vast, with no one trying to blow him up.

"That's our place up ahead," George Atwood said, pointing out the low ranch house and barn settled deep within a stand of cottonwoods.

Gray fences traced across the pasture by the large barn where several horses raised their heads to watch the approaching truck with interest. When they pulled up to the house they were greeted by four riotous barking dogs, each one a different breed and all of them wagging their tails and jumping up on Joe as soon as he stepped out. They almost knocked him over and Deeks quickly stepped into the fray to keep him on his feet. Joe was laughing as he made a point to pet each dog, calling each one by name and ruffling their fur.

"Meet the rest of the family," Joe said over the noisy dogs. "Toby, Joker, Fred and Stinker."

"Stinker?" Deeks asked with a laugh.

"Yeah, it took him a long time to learn not to mess with skunks," Joe said as he limped gingerly toward the porch.

"Well, he's black and white. Maybe he thought they were related," Deeks said, finally laughing himself.

Deeks watched Joe carefully as he walked up the steps and onto the porch. He could tell he was very tired and saw his hand shake as he pulled open the screen door to let himself into his childhood home. The front room was cool and dim inside, dominated by a long fieldstone fireplace and well worn sofas draped with Navajo rugs. The whole place was very masculine and felt lived in and homey to Deeks. Again he felt like he was on a movie set and grinned like a little kid as he looked around. Joe dropped heavily into one of the leather chairs and leaned his head back, his breathing shallow and a little labored. Deeks picked up one of Joe's small bags and rummaged around inside until he found the pain meds and quickly walked into the kitchen, drawing a glass of water and returning to stand over his partner, watching as he downed the pills.

"You should take a nap, buddy," Deeks said softly as he sat down across from him.

"I am kinda tired," Joe said as he scratched at his growing beard.

"You got time for a nap before dinner, kid," his dad said coming in from the back bedrooms. "Your Aunt Jen is coming over to make us some fried chicken and to see you, of course."

"Okay. I'll show Deeks his room and then take a snooze," he said as Deeks stood to help him up. He followed Joe down the dark hall and saw his suitcase sitting on a large bed covered in a red and grey blanket, so he stepped inside to take a look. Photos covered one wall and the dresser held trophies and colored ribbons.

"This was my brother's room," Joe said as he turned to watch him explore. "He was great at sports as you can see by all the trophies and photos and he won those ribbons bronc riding at the local rodeo."

"You were lucky to have a brother, even for a little while," Deeks said quietly.

"You would have liked him," Joe said yawning. "He had a great sense of humor and loved puns, so he would have liked you too."

"Go get some sleep, man, before you fall down," Deeks said, herding him out of the room.

Once he got Joe settled Deeks returned to his room to unpack his clothes and gear. He quickly took a shower, coming out wearing only his jeans to find George Atwood leaning against the doorframe of his room. Deeks saw his eyes widen as he took in the scars still visible on his body from the cattle prod and he quickly pulled a shirt on to cover them.

"Came in to ask if you'd like a cold beer," George said.

"Sounds good," Deeks said, following him back into the kitchen.

George handed him a beer and then pushed open the screen door and walked out on a covered side porch that looked out toward the barn. Several horses raised their heads as they came out, but quickly returned to their dinner of freshly strewn alfalfa. George leaned against one of the posts as Deeks stared out across the pasture, now golden in the low light of the day.

"I've seen marks like that before," George said quietly.

"Yeah?" Deeks said. "You use those things on cattle out here?"

"Nope. It's too cruel," he replied. "We use cattle dogs."

Deeks turned to look at him, very curious as to what he would say.

"I've got some Arapaho blood in me on my grandmother's side," he said, staring out into the dimming sky. "I used to go over to the Rez to visit her when I was a teenager. I had some cousins over there and we used to get a little wild once in a while. One night we got into it with a few of the local cowboys who'd come in for the rodeo and one of my Arapaho cousins knocked out one of them. The next day a few of them tracked him down and used a cattle prod on him. I was the one who found him and I never forgot the terror in his eyes."

"Were the men arrested?" Deeks asked, his hands suddenly clammy with sweat as the memories of his own experience returned.

"No, we took care of it ourselves," George said as he turned to look at Deeks. "Back then whites didn't get arrested for beatin' up Indians."

"Did your cousin recover?" Deeks asked slowly.

"He was strong, but it took him awhile," George said as he walked over and put his arm around Deeks' shoulder. "Give yourself time, son. You're strong, too, from what Joe tells me."

Deeks was stunned at how comforted he felt by the older man's gesture. His own father had never hugged him or touched him gently that he could ever remember, so he wasn't sure how to respond. George seemed to sense his skittishness and stepped away from him and dropped his head to his chest.

"Joe told me you saved his life a few times since you've been partners," George said, his voice rough and low, finally looking him straight in the eye. "I want to thank you for that. I don't think I could bear losing another son, Marty."

"Joe returned the favor a couple of times," Deeks said quietly. "I was lucky to have him by my side. I trust him with my life and he's become a good friend."

"You're welcome here anytime, Marty. I want you to know that. You're family now." George said and reached out and rested his hand on the back of his neck and shoulder for a few seconds as he gathered himself. Then he turned and walked slowly back into the house leaving Deeks with raw emotions he wasn't sure how to deal with.

He blew out his breath and walked down the steps to the grass, stopping at the bottom as unfamiliar feelings surged within him. He had found more comfort and understanding from another man's father and a man he'd just met than in all of his eleven years with his own dad. It upset him that that was true, but it had been his life and he couldn't change that so he hardly ever thought about it anymore. The basic kindness of Joe's father had made him realize what he'd missed out on and it saddened him.

"You're one lucky son-of-a-gun, Joe Atwood," Deeks said into the cooling air and then laughed with surprise as two horses popped their heads up over the fence and stared at him, calmly chewing on stray strands of hay and smelling of the earth.

...


	28. Chapter 28

**Judgement: Chapter 28**

...

"Wake up, son." The soft, deep voice cut through the terrorizing flashes of his nightmare and pulled him from its violent scenes into the dim light of an unfamiliar room. He sat up panting and covered in sweat, confused about where he was and more confused by who it was who had woken him. He felt a rough, comforting hand resting firmly on his bare shoulder and he looked up into the concerned face of George Atwood.

"It was just a dream, son," George said quietly. "You're awake now. You're okay. Take a couple of deep breaths and I'll get you a glass of water."

Deeks was used to nightmares. He had them all the time, even under normal circumstances. What he wasn't use to was someone other than Kensi waking him out of them. George had turned on a small table lamp and in the warm light, Deeks leaned back against the headboard and watched the man coming toward him with a glass of water and he was surprised at the depth of feeling that suddenly touched him.

"Sorry I woke you," Deeks said after a few sips of water. "I won't let it happen again, I promise."

"Don't apologize for a nightmare, Marty," George said as he sat down on the bed. "You have no control over what comes to you in your sleep. Didn't your mom and dad ever tell you that?"

Deeks felt an old familiar jolt of fear and he quickly got up on the other side of the bed and walked into the bathroom, shutting the door. He leaned over the sink and turned on the water, filling both hands and splashing his face and running his wet hands shakily up and through his unruly hair. He had made that same promise to his own father many times and it surprised him that the same words had come out of his mouth tonight. The fear of what had always come after that promise was what had caused him to jump out of bed and seek refuge in the bathroom. He felt like a little boy again and he hated it.

"You okay in there?" George asked through the door.

Deeks opened the door with an embarrassed smile and slipped past George, careful not to touch him.

"Really, I'm sorry," Deeks said as he walked to the far window, grateful for the ever lightening sky.

George stayed where he was and that allowed Deeks the space he needed to calm down.

"Something tells me those are old hat for you," George said. "Are you afraid of me, Marty?"

"What? No, of course not," Deeks answered with surprise. "I'm a tough FBI agent and I used to be a cop." He used his best grin with that statement, but he could tell George wasn't buying.

"Do you know what I do for a living, Marty?" George asked softly. "I train cutting horses. They're used to move cattle and keep them from running off from the herd. I've trained a lot of horses over the years and worked with all kinds and I can always tell which ones have been abused. They're usually skittish and distrustful of kindness just like you."

Deeks was stunned. He stood rooted to the floor, staring at another man's father who had instantly recognized him for what he was after every nightmare, a scared kid who'd always had to pay for having them.

"Come on, Marty," George said as he started toward the door. "I'll make you some coffee. It's almost time to feed the livestock, anyway. Want to give me a hand? You in good enough shape to haul a couple of bales of alfalfa out to the horses?"

Deeks followed the sound of his voice into the kitchen and listened as he continued, telling him about the horses he owned and what they needed to do for them. George was careful not to touch him again and somehow that made Deeks a little sad, feeling the distance that people usually kept between them when they found out about his childhood. He felt exposed and uncomfortable. He had wanted Joe's dad to like him, but now he was pretty sure all he would get was either pity or ridicule. He hated the former and was used to the latter.

"Listen Mr. Atwood," Deeks said haltingly. "I can leave if you want me too. Joe's doing better and there are things I need to take care of back in LA."

"Marty, you've only been here three days," George said as he took his empty coffee cup. "You trying to get out of a little honest work?"

"No, of course not," Deeks said, confused that Joe's father didn't take the offer.

"Marty, remember what I told you the first day you got here?" George asked. "You're family now, son. Whatever you went through in your past doesn't change that. If you want to talk to me about anything, I'll listen and I won't judge you. Do you understand? You're safe here."

Deeks' eyes watered briefly with tears as George spoke. He didn't know what to say, so he just nodded and George clapped him hard on the shoulder and nodded back and then he turned toward the door and they walked out together.

...

"The horse won't hurt you, son," George said with a slight smile.

Deeks wasn't so sure about that as he stared into the deep brown eye of one of the biggest horses he'd ever seen. They had always scared the crap out of him and this one didn't look very friendly to him at all.

"Come on Deeks," Joe yelled from his lounge chair set up just outside the barn door. "Quit goofin' around and get on the horse. I'm beginning to think you're a chicken shit."

Deeks pulled his cowboy hat down a little lower over his eyes and tried to calm his nervousness. He had been feeding the horses for a few days now and this particular horse had taken to following him around the corral as he fed the others. Once, it had nudged him in the back with its nose, almost knocking him into the watering trough. George told him it meant the horse liked him, but he'd laughed when he said it, so Deeks wasn't too sure he wasn't just putting him on.

"Shut up, Joe. You're the cowboy, not me," Deeks shouted back at his partner.

"Just put your foot in the stirrup and climb on." George said softly. "It's as simple as that."

"What if he doesn't like me riding him?" Deeks asked as he rubbed his hands up and down on the legs of his blue jeans.

"He is a she, Marty," George said. "She's a mare. That's a female and she's had babies."

"This giant horse is a girl?" Deeks asked.

"Yeah, Deeks, same as you," Joe shouted.

"You really think she likes me?" Deeks asked, hesitantly petting the horse on the neck. "She's so soft."

"Horses don't usually follow someone around like she does you unless they're curious about you." George handed Deeks the reins and he cautiously put his foot in the stirrup and slowly mounted the horse.

"Does she have a name?" Deeks asked, hardly breathing as he sat nervously in the rather uncomfortable saddle. The horse looked back at him and then took a couple of steps, causing him to grab the pommel as his heart began to race.

"Whoa, baby." Deeks pulled instinctively back on the reins and the horse stopped.

"Her name's Sheila," George said. "Her first owner was an Aussie."

George nimbly mounted his own horse and swung him around toward the gate without even picking up the reins. Joe was clapping wildly and taking pictures with his iPhone, and Deeks knew he would never live this down when Kensi saw the pictures. He just hoped she didn't show them to Callen and Sam. Then he remembered he hadn't left on the best of terms with either man, and he regretted that. He didn't have long to dwell on it as Sheila began to follow George and his horse out of the gate. He took a deep breath and steeled himself for the coming ordeal.

George led the way down the road and then out across a pasture to the edge of the creek, where a well-worn path meandered alongside. George began to instruct him about riding and the proclivities of horses. As they walked the horses along the creek, Deeks began to relax as he listened to the calming voice of Joe's dad and became used to the gentle movement of the horse. He eventually looked up to take in the incredible scenery they were passing, the sharp cries of the birds along the creek reminding him of the gulls he listened for when he was about to go surfing. He had been prepared to hate riding a horse and the truth was he'd done it mainly to be able to spend more time with George Atwood. The man had welcomed him into his home and had made him feel safe and cared about and those were rare things for him and he didn't take them for granted. He was still a little standoffish around George, not quite sure how to act around him, but the man seemed to know when Deeks needed space and wasn't offended when he did.

They stopped at a bend in the creek and sat silently for a while as the horses calmly cropped grass. The view toward the distant Tetons was magnificent and Deeks understood how such a landscape could get inside a person. It was how he'd always felt about the ocean, and the thought made him nostalgic. As beautiful as this place was, he could never live this far away from the ocean.

"Joe told me you blame yourself for what happened to him and the others," George said as he looked out over the creek. "That true?"

"Yeah." Deeks was surprised at how blunt the man was and he squirmed in the saddle, unsure about where this conversation was going and not too happy about even having it.

"He said you two argued about it," George said, then laughed quickly before continuing. "He said he called you an idiot."

"Yeah, he did. They all think that, but they don't understand," he said.

"Joe shouldn't point any fingers," George said with a soft grunt. "It's exactly what he did when he came home wounded from Afghanistan. He lost half his unit and blamed himself just like you're doing now. Guess that comes with the territory. Guess you could say it happens to all of us at one time or another as we go through life."

"What do you mean?" Deeks asked as he turned to look at him.

George took his hat off and wiped his face with a hanky and took his time answering.

"It's survivor's guilt," George said. "When something happens to someone we love or think we should protect, we try to figure out why it happened and what we could have done to prevent it. It's mankind's conceit. We like to think we can control things, but we can't. And when we find out we can't, we have to find someone to blame and the easiest person to blame is ourselves."

"You're talking about yourself," Deeks said.

"When my wife was killed in a car accident, I blamed myself immediately," he said. "There was no question in my mind that if I had just made her stay home that day she would still be alive. And when my son Chris was killed I did it again. If I had not instilled in him a love of country and a sense of duty, he wouldn't have gone off to war and been killed."

"You can't blame yourself for a car accident and Chris was in a war," Deeks reasoned. "Their deaths weren't your fault."

"You seem so certain of that," George said. "But here you are blaming yourself for something you had no control over."

"But I did, George," Deeks said angrily. "If I had killed that man when I had the chance, men would still be alive and Joe wouldn't have almost died."

"So, you are the one person who held complete control over everything that happened," George said. "Well then Marty Deeks, you're a very powerful man and a prophet to boot, cause you must have seen it all before it happened."

"You're making me sound arrogant," Deeks said in a flash of anger.

"No, son. You're human, you just won't admit it," George answered.

Deeks took the reins and started to turn back, but George grabbed them and pulled him up.

"Why'd you become a cop, Marty?" George asked.

"What? Because I wanted to help people," Deeks answered.

"Did you become a cop so you could kill people?" he asked, moving his horse up close to his side and leaning toward him.

"No, of course not," Deeks said, trying to yank the reins from his grasp.

"So you believe in the law?"

"Yes, I do."

"You didn't kill that man Marty, because you're not a murderer," George said as he gripped his arm tightly. "You're a good man, sworn to uphold the law and that's exactly what you did."

Deeks ripped the reins away and turned his horse sharply around and kicked her into a run, leaving George to watch him silently as he galloped back toward the barn.

"He's gonna be sore tomorrow," George said to his horse and clucked for him to start home.

...

"What the hell did you say to him," Joe asked his dad softly as they stood on the porch watching Deeks drag bales of hay around until finally collapsing on top of them. All four dogs had stayed by his side since he rode back in and now jumped up on the bales and lay down around him, as he stared out toward the mountains as night began to fall. Joe could see Deeks rubbing Stinker's ears as Toby competed with Joker for position on his lap.

"He didn't eat any dinner," George said. "Wouldn't even take a beer from me."

"Dad, tell me," Joe said. "What did you say that ticked him off so bad?"

"You know he was abused as a kid, right?" George asked, ignoring Joe's question.

"Yeah and that isn't even the worst of it," Joe said. "Did he tell you that?"

"Didn't have to," George said, finally sitting down in the rocking chair. "Strange how we can never seem to escape from the things our parents saddle us with. Marty still hears his father's voice in his head and he still believes what he hears."

"You sure you're just a horse trainer?" Joe said. "You didn't go off and get a PHD in psychology while I was in LA, did you?"

"Son, I've seen a lot of messed up horses in my life," George replied. "People ain't that different, just a little smarter, but not by much."

"Think he'll leave?" Joe asked quietly.

"No. He feels responsible for you and he won't want to let you down," George said as he went back in the kitchen. When he came out he was holding some liniment. He tossed it to Joe and nodded toward Deeks.

"Better tell him to rub some that on his butt, or he won't be sittin' down much tomorrow," George said. "See you in the mornin', son."

Joe nodded goodnight to his dad and then stepped off the porch and headed for the barn, smiling as he tossed the liniment up and down in his hand and tried to come up with a great one liner to razz his partner with.

"Hey, Deeks," Joe called out. "Anybody ever tell you you're a pain in the ass? Well I've got the cure."

...


	29. Chapter 29

**Judgement: Chapter 29**

...

Deeks was up and out of the house by six in the morning. His late start was calculated so he could avoid seeing George, who would be out feeding the horses at that hour. They hadn't spoken for a couple of days and it was starting to get to him. He was feeling bad and ungrateful about giving the cold shoulder to a man who had offered him nothing but kindness and advice he didn't want to hear. He needed a long run to help him get his thoughts in order and have some time to himself. He hadn't counted on the dogs following him, but no matter how hard he tried to shush them away, they just panted and looked at him with weird dog smiles and kept on trailing him. Fred, the little Corgi, dropped off after a half mile and Joker, the white shaggy mutt with a silly looking under bite, finally stopped and headed back after a mile. The other two dogs, Toby, the cattle dog and Stinker, paced him on either side and seemed determined to go for as long as he did, only looking up at him occasionally, their pink tongues lolling out of the sides of their mouths.

After three miles he was beginning to realize this hadn't been such a good idea. He knew he wasn't even close to being back in shape because now he was breathing heavily and feeling slightly dizzy. His wounded leg began throbbing and as it became weaker he began to limp. He noticed a car coming toward him on the road and the distraction caused him to trip and land hard on one knee before ending up with a face full of dirt as he sprawled embarrassingly in the middle of the road. When he sat up, Stinker and Toby were sitting in front of him as a laughing woman walked toward him, her car parked haphazardly in the road.

"Well, that was very entertaining," she said as she offered him a helping hand up.

"Depends on your perspective," he said as he stood shakily to his feet.

"At least the dogs aren't laughing," she said as she knelt down to examine his now bloody knee.

"My knee's fine, really," he said as she gently took his ankle and then his leg in her hands and felt for breaks. Then she raised the hem on his running shorts and lightly touched the raw scar from the bullet hole in his thigh and he felt himself beginning to blush and he stepped back from her with a quizzical look on his face.

"What about the wound in your leg?" she asked as she stood up. "Is it giving you any pain?"

"Are you the resident doctor or something?" he asked.

"No, Mr. Deeks. I'm Joe's physical therapist and friend of the family," she answered.

"How do you know who I am?" He asked curiously.

"Well, you're running down a road on their property and Toby and Stinker are with you," she said as she helped him to the car. "Doesn't take an FBI agent to figure it out and Joe's Aunt Jen is a huge gossip, so everyone in town knows who you are and what you look like."

"Joe didn't mention his physical therapist was a woman," Deeks said with a broad smile as he eased himself into the car.

"My name's Diane," she said, smiling at him as she opened the back door to let the dogs in. "Joe's an old friend and I am quite fond of George. He taught me to ride when I was eight. I hear you've been riding Sheila."

"What else did they tell you about me?" The hard edge in his voice caused her to look quickly over at him as she sat down behind the wheel. He stared darkly out the window and only turned to look at her when she laughed.

"You're not used to small towns are you?" Diane said as she started back toward the ranch. "One of the locals delivered some feed and saw you riding."

He relaxed then, but continued to stare out the window.

"George and Joe would never betray a confidence, Mr. Deeks," she said softly. "You can trust them."

"Yeah, I know," Deeks said finally looking at her. "Call me Marty or Deeks. Only one person calls me Mr. Deeks."

"Okay Marty," Diane said. "Tell me how your partner's doing. Is he okay?"

"Now you want me to betray a confidence?" Deeks said with a crooked grin.

"No, I'm worry about him, that's all," Diane said softly.

"You have a thing for Joe, don't you?" Deeks asked. "Is that what you mean by 'physical therapy'? You're just using it as a cover so you can put your hands all over my partner. Am I right?"

"You two could be brothers. You're both wiseasses." Diane said with a quick laugh.

"We're partners," He answered. "And that's as close as I'll ever get to having a brother."

Joe was on the porch when they drove up and Deeks could see George walking around the barn, followed by a few of the horses.

"I wondered where you got to," Joe said as he watched Deeks get out of the car. "What the hell happened to you?"

Joe was beside him in an instant as Deeks limped toward him.

"I'm fine, partner," Deeks laughed as he walked gingerly up on the porch. "Just entertaining the beautiful physical therapist you forgot to mention."

"I was going to introduce you at breakfast," Joe said as he gave Diane a quick hug. "How far did you run, dumb-ass?"

"Three miles," Deeks answered as he made his way inside.

"And how'd that feel?" Joe asked as he followed Deeks back to his room.

"Fine, until I tripped and fell flat on my face in front of your physical therapist," Deeks said. "So, tell me about Diane."

"What? We grew up together," Joe said quietly. "She was my wife's best friend."

"And you haven't noticed that she's hot?" Deeks asked.

"Drop it Deeks," Joe said.

"I'm just sayin'," Deeks said as he headed for the bathroom and a shower.

"You're starting to become annoying again, partner," Joe said.

"Listen Joe, all I'm saying is that life's too short," Deeks said as he stopped and turned to face his partner. "You deserve to have someone in your life to care for and who cares for you."

"Wow, Deeks. Getting a little mushy on me aren't you partner?" Joe asked with a grin.

"Just looking out for you, buddy," Deeks said and closed the door in him partner's face.

"Did she say something?" Joe asked through the door. "Deeks?"

...

After breakfast, Deeks helped Diane set up her in-home therapy table so she could do a preliminary assessment of Joe's injuries. He left the two of them together with a smirk on his face and had to duck as Joe threw his tee shirt at him. He sat on the side porch a bit, letting his thoughts settle and then got up and walked slowly out toward the barn, knowing he'd find George there.

On his long run his mind had mostly stayed blank, but when he'd told Joe that life was too short he knew he had to make things right with George. He wasn't sure why he'd pushed the people he cared about away after Lee Chao's death, but his guilt had blocked out everything else and he had latched on to that guilt without a second thought like it was his duty. George had welcomed him into his home without question and had given him comfort and had forced him to question himself about the guilt he was determined to carry and at first it had made him angry. He'd been given the gift of being told he was family and he had returned that rare generosity with rejection and anger. He couldn't let that stand between them, but still a small seed of doubt echoed in his head. George had somehow known he'd been abused, but he didn't know the whole story, and he wondered if that would change things between them if George knew what he had done to his own father.

He found George currying Sheila and smiled as the horse whinnied at him and nodded her head up and down. He stepped around her head and wrapped his arm up around her neck, laying his head on her warm, glistening neck and began to stroke her.

"You spoiled this horse for any other rider you know," George said as he continued his work.

"You think she loves me, George?" Deeks asked with a crooked grin.

"I don't know about love, but you two certainly have forged a bond," George answered. "And that's rare."

"George, I'm sorry about being such a shit the last few days," Deeks said. "You didn't deserve that kind of treatment from me and I apologize."

"You haven't been close to too many people in your life, have you, son?" George said as he stopped and looked at him.

"Very few," he answered. "A friend from my old neighborhood and the team at NCIS was the closest I've gotten to anyone until Joe and now you, if you still want anything to do with me."

"You don't have much of an idea about what a family is, do you Marty?" George asked.

"No, not much," Deeks said.

"A family is with you for the long haul, son. No matter what," George moved to the other side of Sheila and began to brush her down. "But I expect that wasn't your experience. I'm thinkin' your dad wasn't a very forgiving person."

Deeks swallowed hard as an image of his father floated in his mind. He'd never associated the idea of forgiveness with his father; in fact it almost made him laugh. When he'd been shot, the first person he'd thought of was his father and had been surprised when it wasn't him. No, his father had not been forgiving at all.

"He probably told you most of your life that you weren't worth the effort it took to raise you. That when things go wrong you're the one to blame." George said. "The terrible thing is you still believe that, son. Even when good friends tell you otherwise, you still listen to his voice in your head."

Deeks leaned his head once again into the comforting neck of the solid horse next to him and took a deep breath.

"Did your old team ever lie to you? They ever tell you you were doing a good job when you weren't, just to make you feel better?" George leaned across Sheila and stared at Deeks as he turned to look at him.

"Never. If I screwed up I heard about it from everybody." Deeks laughed and shook his head at the memory of Sam calling him to task.

"So they're honest with you," George said.

"Always have been, your son included," Deeks said.

"Then why do you believe they're lying to you now, son?" George asked. "When people who truly care about you tell you you're not responsible for what happened, why don't you believe them? Why do you keep listening to the voice of a man who didn't deserve to have you as a son?"

Deeks stood up straight and stared into George's determined face, his last comment being the kindest thing anyone had ever said to him. He felt barriers inside shifting as the truth of the questions he'd asked reverberated within him. Then he began to tremble as tears formed in his eyes and he grabbed onto Sheila's mane to keep himself upright as he broke down. He buried his head in her neck, tears streaming from his eyes as he tried to control what was happening to him. When he felt George's warm, rough hand on the back of his neck, he felt a chill run down his back and he tried to catch his breath, embarrassed at his lack of control.

"Let it go, Marty. Just let it go, son," George told him softly. "It's just you, me and Sheila and we aren't judging you. We're on your side."

"But you don't know what else I've done," Deeks said as he wiped his eyes with the back of his hand.

"Tell me," George said.

"I shot my dad when I was eleven," Deeks said, turning around to see if there was a change in the way George looked at him.

"What was he doing?" George asked, both hands resting gently on Deeks' shoulders.

"He was pointing a shotgun at me and my mom," he answered softly.

"So you shot him," George said and Deeks nodded.

"Good. I beat the livin' daylights out of mine when I was fourteen," George said. "You kill him?"

"No."

"Me neither," George said.

George pulled Deeks into a brief, breathtaking hug and then stepped back and looked at him.

"You good?"

"Yeah," Deeks said quietly. "Thanks."

"Then take Sheila back to her stall or take her for a ride," George said. "I'm gonna go check on Joe and Diane. Never understood why he hasn't dated that girl. He needs someone like her, don't you think?"

"He's almost as stubborn as I am," Deeks told him as he picked up Sheila's blanket and saddle.

"Then we both better kick his butt," George said with a quick grin.

"Count me in," Deeks said as he calmly began to saddle Sheila.

He watched George Atwood walk back across the corral toward the house and one by one the horses in the pasture followed him along the fence line and stood staring after him until he entered the house. They seemed to want to follow him wherever he went and now he understood why. He was a good man with an incredible gift of empathy, a man who had suffered just as he had under the iron fist of a cruel man and who had fought his way free. George had known from that first nightmare just who and what he was and he had reached out to him, offering him refuge and understanding instead of the rejection and harsh judgement he'd been subjected to by his own father. As he rode out toward the creek he thought once again how lucky Joe was to be raised by such a man.

He rode slowly through the warming morning and his mind turned back to the failed op and Lee Chao. It seemed like a sacrilege to even think of that evil man in this beautifully wild place, but decisions had to be made and now his mind felt clear enough to do that. He paused at the bend in the creek where George had first questioned him about the blame he had taken on. Hetty and the others had tried to make him see, but he was blinded by grief and guilt and an incredible rage that had consumed him from the moment he'd seen Sam's car explode in a ball of flame and that had only grown as he'd cradled Kensi's bloody body in his arms. Then the scene of the final firefight played once again in his mind. He went through each stage of the op and realized the mistakes that had been made, none of them his. He let his breath out slowly, rubbing his hand across the stubble of his beard and shaking his head as he was flooded with relief, feeling unburdened for the first time in over two and a half months.

The inquiry was coming soon and after that he had to make a decision about his future. He had behaved so poorly before coming here that he wondered if his old team would even want him back. He wanted to work with Kensi again and it had been his plan all along to return to NCIS:OSP, but he had no idea if that was possible. If Granger was still in charge, he had no illusions about his chances. He owed a debt of gratitude to the FBI for giving him the opportunity to bring down Lee Chao and he knew he would have a job there if he wanted it. Then his mind turned to Joe. The two had become so close he couldn't imagine not seeing him every day. Their bond was deep, but his love for Kensi was so much stronger that he knew if he had to choose between them that Joe would lose and knowing Joe's strength of character he would understand.

...


	30. Chapter 30

**Judgement: Chapter 30**

...

Deeks laughed as Sheila nudged his cowboy hat down over his eyes as he lay on the banks of Little Jack Creek. He'd been watching Joe and Diane chase each other around the open pasture on horseback for the last half hour. This was the first time he'd seen Joe ride at full gallop and it looked as if he'd been born in the saddle, but then he shouldn't have been surprised considering who his teacher had been. Diane's curly cap of red hair danced around her face as she rode, a smile never leaving her face as she beat Joe to some imaginary finish line on the other side of the creek. Joe put his hands up in surrender and they laughed together before slowly walking their horses back his way. He could tell Joe was tired from the effort of riding; his legs still not a hundred percent. He waved to them as they forded the creek and then rose and mounted Sheila for the ride back. He hated to leave this place, but that decision had already been made for him. The Congressional Oversight Committee hearings were being held in Washington in two days and he and Joe were scheduled to testify.

The past week had been idyllic. He'd spent as much time as he could with George in the mornings and then he and Joe would ride out to the creek and talk, and sometimes Diane would join them. He could tell they were more than friends now, but he always waited until Diane was gone before zinging his partner with one-liners about how slow he'd been to pick up on her signals. He was happy that Joe would be returning for additional therapy and a couple of more weeks of rest before he had to be back at work in LA. Where he himself would be during that time, or what he would be doing after that, he had no idea.

"You talk to Kensi yet?" Joe asked on the ride back.

"She's picking us up at the airport in DC tomorrow afternoon." Deeks said with a smile.

"She say how everyone's doing?" Joe asked.

"Callen's back on full duty, but Sam is still riding a desk and apparently not too happy about it." Deeks said with a hint of sadness and nostalgia in his voice. "Kensi won't go back to work for another couple of weeks, and then only on limited duty."

"You must be looking forward to seeing them all again," Diane said softly.

"Yeah," Deeks answered. "I just hope they'll all be happy to see me."

"They all know what you went through, Marty," Joe said. "They're your friends. They care about you."

"I was a real asshole, Joe, and you know it," Deeks said stiffly as the barn came into view.

"Well, you weren't too nice to me, and I got over it," Joe said quietly with a quick grin. "You're part of their family, Deeks."

"Used to be, anyway," Deeks said.

"Don't make me tell my dad you're getting down on yourself," Joe said. "He might make you muck out stalls all afternoon and that might make you too tired to fix that special dinner you had planned for tonight."

Deeks smiled at him then and climbed down off Sheila, taking joy in the simple pleasure of walking her to the barn and unsaddling her and then rubbing her down before releasing her out to pasture. He watched her bring her head up as she trotted out to greet the other horses and he realized how much he was going to miss her. She had been such a comforting presence and he wondered if she would miss him in return.

"You want a beer, Deeks?" Joe said as he slapped him on the back.

"Do horses miss people, Joe?" he asked as he watched Sheila begin to graze.

"You'll have to ask my dad that question, man," Joe said as he draped his arm around Deeks' shoulder and steered him toward the house. "I know dad's gonna miss you. He already asked if you were coming back with me from DC."

"I wish I could," Deeks laughed. "You know you're a lucky shit, don't you buddy?"

"Yes I do," Joe said. "You got a look at my girl, didn't you?"

"Oh yeah," Deeks laughed. "Does she know she's your girl?"

"If she doesn't now, I'll make sure of it when I get back here," Joe said.

Joe stopped before they reached the porch and Deeks turned to face him with a questioning look.

"You okay?" Deeks asked. "You didn't hurt yourself riding did you?"

"Deeks, are you ready for this committee hearing?" Joe asked solemnly.

"Are you asking me if I can handle it?" Deeks asked and then turned to look out toward the mountains.

"They're gonna be dredging up everything, man," Joe said. "All of it. You're gonna have to relive it and I know how hard that will be for you."

"You worried about me partner?" Deeks asked with a slow growing smile.

"Yeah, you dumb-ass," Joe's face was filled with concern.

"I've come to terms with most of what happened, Joe," Deeks answered. "You and your dad have helped me do that. I'm grateful, you know."

"How's the anger?" Joe asked.

"That's a different story," he replied honestly. "Some of the decisions Granger made get my blood boiling if I dwell on them. He got a lot of people killed and wounded Joe, but he always seems to avoid the consequences of his actions. How does he do that?"

"By blaming someone else." Joe said softly. "And we both know who he's gonna try and blame this one on."

"Yeah, I know," Deeks said. He walked over to the fence and draped his arms over the top rail and stared solemnly out at the grazing horses.

"Don't let him get to you during the hearing, man," Joe said as he walked up next to him.

"You're worried I'm going to do something stupid," Deeks said quietly.

"Just tell your story, Deeks," Joe said earnestly. "Tell those congressmen the truth and then get on with your life. If you give Granger any opening to exploit, he'll bury you, man. Then I'll have to kill him and my future with a certain redhead will be in the toilet."

"So now, along with everything else, your future love life is in my hands?" Deeks turned and laughed and shoved his friend toward the house.

Before going inside, he paused one last time to take in the beauty of the land and the horses that lived there. He felt a lump form in his throat as he tried to burn the image into his mind. He would never forget the solace he'd found here and the knowledge that he would be welcomed back here whenever he wanted to come was a gift he would always cherish and his whole body hummed with a sense of peace and contentment.

That night he cooked a special meal for Joe, George and Diane and Aunt Jen. He found comfort in their company, not saying much, mostly just listening to the animated conversation between people he now cared about and who had accepted him as part of their family. He didn't think he would ever be able to express how much that acceptance meant to him, so he just watched and soaked up the feeling of a family gathering, his eyes glazing over with tears at times as they all laughed together for the last time. Tomorrow, everything would be different. Tomorrow, he would find himself back in the depths of a nightmare that he just wanted to leave behind. Tomorrow, was the beginning of his future and he had no idea what that future would be. But tonight was for family, so he put tomorrow in the back of his mind and poured more wine and laughed at Joe's pathetic jokes and smiled at Diane's sharp verbal jabs in response. He listened as George told horse yarns as he called them and thought for the first time that he must be a lucky man to have fallen into such a family.

...

His mind flashed in remembrance of landing in Laramie for the first time and the uncertainty he had felt about his decision to come home with Joe. Now that he had to leave, he felt a depth of sadness and a longing for the normal life these people led. That this place felt like home was a testament to the people he now thought of as family and that thought choked him up. He hadn't said much after breakfast and George had been particularly quiet. The two of them had fed the horses together and Deeks had ridden Sheila out to the creek for the last time, followed by the four dogs that somehow seemed to know that he was leaving. He was surprised at how hard it was to leave, and wondered, not for the first time, if it was because he didn't want to face the inquiry in Washington and all the memories that would come flooding back to him. He had given Sheila some extra oats and a big apple before walking back to the house to stand on the porch and take in the beauty of the place one last time.

"You ready partner?" Joe startled him out of reverie and he simply nodded and picked up his stuff and followed him out to the truck.

Conversation was sparse on the drive to the airport and once they were there most of it concerned flights and the exchange of information about hotels and meetings taking place before the hearings. When their flight was called, Deeks felt awkward and wasn't sure what to say to the man who had made such a difference in his life in just three short weeks.

"Thanks for everything, George," he said, realizing immediately how inadequate the words were.

George smiled and quickly pulled him into a tight hug, whispering into his ear.

"You're a good man, Marty Deeks," he said gruffly. "And don't you let anyone at that hearing make you believe anything different. You come back and see me soon, you hear me son? You still need a few more lessons on riding a horse."

Deeks could hardly breathe when George released him and he found it hard to talk. He nodded his head and blinked back tears as he picked up his carry on and watched George say goodbye to his son.

"You boys take care and call me when you get there," George said.

They left him standing there as they headed for the plane. Joe threw his arm around his shoulder and looked over at him and smiled.

"He told me to watch your back during the hearing, Marty," Joe said. "He said he thought it was gonna be rough going for you and that I should look out for you."

Deeks just nodded, but turned back to give George one last wave before boarding. He had never felt this kind of emotion before and he quickly climbed the stairway, afraid he'd lose it and embarrass himself. If things in Washington did get rough he knew he would draw strength from the past three weeks and from the man who seemed to know him better than he knew himself.

...

The shock of coming from the rural calmness of Wyoming to the brash harshness of the airport in Arlington shook both men back to their everyday reality. They worked their way through the crowds, keeping an eye out for Kensi, unsure as to how they would find her among the crush of rushing travelers. Deeks had just missed being run down by a woman with a stroller when Joe poked him in the ribs with a laugh and pointed over to the left of the concourse. Standing with wide grins on their faces, were Sam, Callen and Kensi. All three were wearing little red cowboy hats that sat balanced on the tops of their heads. Once he and Joe made their way over to them, Deeks had to lean against one of the pillars he was laughing so hard, while Joe madly shot pictures with his iPhone.

"Dad's gonna get a kick out of this," Joe said.

"Couldn't find anything in your size?" Deeks asked as Callen pulled him into a solid hug.

"This is Washington. We finally found these in a kid's toy store by Gate 18." Callen said with a laugh.

"Sam, I have blackmail material forever," Deeks said as Sam hugged him quickly.

"You forget, Kensi has a picture of you on a horse wearing a cowboy hat and a look of sheer terror on your face," Sam said pointing at him, making Deeks tilt his head in acknowledgment.

"How you two feeling?" he asked as he rested his hand on Deeks' shoulder.

"I'm good," Deeks said calmly as he shyly put his arm around Kensi. "Joe, however, is superior. He has a new girlfriend and two more weeks of physical therapy. Did I mention his girlfriend is his physical therapist?"

"I always figured you were a smart man, Atwood," Callen said, slapping the agent on the back as Joe ended a phone call he was on.

"She might disagree," Joe said. "If it hadn't been for Deeks falling face first in the dirt in front of her, I might never have picked up the signals she was sending."

"Sounds like you two have lots of stories to tell," Sam said.

"Hey Marty, Dad says hi," Joe said. "He says Sheila misses you. Won't eat."

"Will she be okay?" Deeks asked, the concern on his face evident to the others, especially Kensi.

"Dad says not too worry," Joe answered.

"Who's Sheila," Kensi asked sharply as she pulled away from Deeks. He saw a familiar flash of anger and jealousy in her eyes and a slow smile started to spread across his face and he began to contemplate how long he could stretch this out before he earned a hard punch in the chest.

"Well, Sheila has light reddish brown hair and deep brown, soulful eyes," Deeks began. "She has long, shapely legs and can run like the wind. She eats like a horse, usually, and likes to nuzzle my neck."

"Sounds like you've been enjoying yourself quite a lot with this Sheila," Kensi said angrily, with a touch of hurt feelings in the softness of her voice.

"She's very special to me, Kens," Deeks said laughing. "Sheila's a horse and I rode her everyday I was at the ranch."

The punch shouldn't have surprised him, but the power behind it did. Kensi seemed back up to full strength and he pulled her into a hug, running his hand through her short black hair and kissing her without any embarrassment in the middle of the busy airport and in front of good friends.

"I really wasn't expecting you all to be here," Deeks said when he finally released Kensi. "Especially after the way I behaved after I got out of the hospital."

"Looks like you've worked some things out, Deeks," Callen said as they started toward the exit.

"Maybe you ought to visit Wyoming more often," Sam said. "Seems to be good for your mental health."

"Oh, I intend to," Deeks said seriously as he looked over at Joe. "I have family there."

...


	31. Chapter 31

**Judgement: Chapter 31**

...

Deeks had never been to Washington. He hadn't thought much about where the hearings would take place, so the only visual image in his head was of a sterile meeting room filled with gray, Government Issue furniture and a lot of men in suits. The drive in from the airport changed all that. The impact the city at night had on him was immediate, a combination of pride in his country's heritage and an awe inspiring feeling of power that seemed to emanate from every well lit building and monument. This was the big time and he felt the weight of what was to come settle deep within him and he swallowed hard.

Sam had rented an SUV and took them on a quick tour of the monuments, which were glorious at night, the brilliance of the white marble shrines standing out starkly against the deepening blackness of the night. They flashed by, each one more impressive than the last, all of them paying homage to the history and importance of this place. Deeks felt excitement and excessive nervousness as they passed the Capitol building where the hearings would convene tomorrow morning and he felt his mouth suddenly go dry. A touch of fear radiated briefly through his body and he felt like a little kid getting called into the principal's office for the first time, only the men he would be called before tomorrow would be judging everything he had done over the past three months and had the power to change his life forever.

He shivered involuntarily as the thought passed through his mind and Kensi must have felt it, reaching out her hand and taking his into the warmth of her lap. He looked at her in the darkness and felt his heart constrict as she smiled back at him. He had missed her and edged closer to her, needing the comfort of her presence as the enormity of the situation took hold of him. She raised his hand to her lips and kissed it gently, silently letting him know that she was there for him and he relaxed against her as they pulled up to the entrance to their hotel. The others quickly exited, but the two of them stayed where they were, clinging to the closeness they both had missed.

"We're on different floors," she said softly.

"I'll find you," he replied.

"How about I just give you an extra key," she said with raised eyebrows and a quick smile.

"You trying to seduce me, Mrs. Robinson?" he asked with a wicked grin.

"I miss those movie references you always used to make," she said as she placed his hand against her chest, her face serious. "I miss you."

Before he could answer, Callen stuck his head in and asked what the hold up was and the spell between them was broken. The next half hour was filled with the task of checking in and making plans for breakfast together, before they all headed for the elevators and the end of a long day.

Deeks let himself into his room and laughed when he saw the suits laid out across the bed.

"Hetty," he whispered and shook his head after reading her attached note.

He hadn't even thought about clothes and he certainly hadn't brought any suits with him to Wyoming. Somehow Hetty had known he wouldn't have thought about what to wear and had managed to provide him with just what he needed, even though he didn't work for her anymore. He hung them up in the closet, laughing again as he saw the boxes of shoes that he was sure matched each suit perfectly. He missed her. They hadn't spoken in over a month, but somehow she was still watching out for him and it gave him a good feeling.

He took a quick shower, shaking the water out of his hair as he walked to the window and stared out over the spacious city. He was tired, but he needed to see Kensi, so he quickly dressed in jeans and a tee shirt he had bought at the airport in Laramie. He thought it would make Kensi laugh. It showed a tourist with a camera wearing an oversized cowboy hat and facing the wrong way on a very confused horse. It reminded him of the way Sheila had looked at him the first time he'd had the nerve to climb up on her back. He was smiling again at the thought as he knocked lightly on Kensi's door before using the key card she had given him.

"You in here beautiful?" Deeks called out.

"What took you so long?" Her voice coming from the darkened room ahead, making his heart jump.

She turned on a small bedside light and his breath caught in his throat as it illuminated her body lying sensuously among the pillows of the bed in a pale pink camisole, her short dark hair framing the face he had missed so much. He sat down next to her on the bed, taking his time admiring the view as she did the same. Then she laughed out loud as she looked at the image on the tee shirt, quickly pulling it up and over his head and holding it to her.

"I'm keeping this," she said.

"So I have to wander the halls of this fine hotel half dressed?" Deeks asked with a crooked grin.

"Who said I'm going to let you go anywhere," Kensi said as she reached for him.

He drew her into his arms as her fingers threaded through his hair, her need as desperate as his. He laid her across his lap, stroking her body as he kissed her hungrily, breathing in her scent and thrilling to the familiar feeling of being lost in the sensuality of her silky skin. He pulled back from their kiss to stare down at her in the soft light and she smiled as his eyes took in every curvaceous line of her body, his fingers gently tracing the contours of her breasts beneath the thin fabric of her camisole. He leaned down and touched his tongue to one nipple as he slipped his hand up to caress the other. He responded as she whispered his name, gently lifting the camisole over her head, his breath hitching as he saw the scars tracking across her body.

"God, Kens," he said as he gently touched each one, bringing tears to her eyes and his.

"I was worried you'd think I was ugly now," She said in a muffled voice as she tucked her head into his chest.

"No, Kensi, no. I could never think that," he consoled. "You're beautiful. I just don't want to hurt you if they're still painful."

"I need you to make love to me, Marty," she whispered. "I need to know nothing has changed."

He picked her up as he stood and then laid her down among the pillows, his eyes never leaving her face. Then he quickly undressed and stretched out next to her, his hand trailing softly up the length of her leg and then resting briefly on her hip before gently holding her breast as he kissed each scar in turn. Then he ran his hands through her softly curling short hair, his thumb brushing her lips before his mouth hungrily sought hers. The flash of passion surged through them both and he fought to control himself. The touch of her fingers on his bare chest and ass sent a bolt of desire through him so strong he almost lost it. He raised himself on his elbow to look down into her eyes as his fingers trailed down the center or her body and he saw her eyes go wide as they pushed inside of her, teasing and arousing her as his fingers moved and stroked her. Her hands ruffled through his hair as she pulled him into a languid kiss, her tongue arousing him even more as she urged him even closer. He moved over her, straddling her hips and pulling her up toward him as he entered her. Their eyes locked as they moved and he watched as tears welled in her eyes as they climaxed together and clung to each other, trembling as they held one another close, losing themselves in each other's comforting embrace.

"I definitely missed that," he whispered into her ear with a small joyous laugh. "Almost as much as I missed you."

He kissed her, letting his fingertips brush lightly over her breasts as they fell back together on the bed and she snuggled close to his chest, wrapping her leg around his and sighing contentedly.

"Are you nervous about tomorrow?" she asked after awhile.

"A little. Okay, a lot," he said as he laid his head back on one of the pillows, sorry the mood was broken.

"Everyone's worried about you," she said as she propped herself up on an elbow to look down at his face.

"Still not sure I can handle myself?" Deeks asked with a hint of bitterness and then was immediately sorry for falling back into a defensive mood.

"Hetty thinks Granger will try and blame everything on you," Kensi said as her fingers moved restlessly across his chest.

"Why is she surprised by that?" he asked.

"She told us she thinks he will try and prove you were mentally unstable at the time of the raid," Kensi said, sitting up and taking his hand, kissing it softly as tears filled her eyes. "And that you still are."

He sat up quickly then, moving off the bed in one fluid motion and heading toward the bathroom. He ran cold water into the basin and dropped a washcloth in and let it saturate before bringing it to his face and holding it there as he tried to push down his anger and still the panic that had risen at her words. He had no idea how to fight that charge, knowing how close he had been to the edge during the whole ordeal. Granger had seen it and he had used it against him, just as he would tomorrow. Then a thought crept into his mind, and it chilled him.

"Kensi, did Hetty say anything about Granger having access to my childhood records?" he asked as she came to lean against the doorframe.

"No, why?" she asked.

"Do you think you could find out?" he asked as dark dread seeped into his mind.

"Eric would be able to tell if someone accessed your records," she said, her forehead creased with concern.

"Start with Hetty first," Deeks said as he brushed by her and quickly dressed, taking back the Laramie tee shirt. "If anyone would know, she would."

"Deeks, you're scaring me," she said as she followed him into the room. "What would he find?"

He cocked his head at her, unwilling to share his fear with her and he saw her eyes flash in anger.

"Why won't you tell me?" she asked, standing rigid, with her hands on her naked hips.

"You keep standing like that and I won't be able to leave," he smiled as he came to her and placed his hands on her hips.

"You keep pushing me away and I won't let you near me again," she said firmly, making him nod in understanding.

"I can't talk about it now, Kens," he said. "Could you just find out for me?"

"Why don't you trust me?" she asked. "I love you. What are you afraid to tell me?"

"I don't want you to look at me differently, Kens," he said as he turned his back to her. "I don't want pity from you or from anyone else."

"Well, Granger won't be handing out pity, Deeks," she said, her voice certain and strong. "He'll be trying to tear you to down, to make you seem unstable."

"Joe warned me, too," he said as he sank into a chair. "He's afraid I'll do something stupid during the hearings and give Granger an opening to exploit. The thing is, if he has my juvenile records, he has more than enough to show that I have trouble controlling my anger sometimes."

"Deeks, that was a long time ago. You were a kid. Please, let me help you," Kensi pleaded. "All of us are behind you on this."

"Even if I told you, it wouldn't change anything," he said as he stood up to leave. "There's nothing any of you can do and there's nothing I can do to change who I am and what I did. It's over. Lee Chao is dead. Tomorrow is just a bunch of politicians trying to tidy up the paperwork and find a scapegoat to blame for everything that went wrong. If they decide to place the blame at my feet, they will, no matter what I did or what I say. If they believe whatever Granger is going to say, there's nothing I can do to change that."

"Deeks, please," Kensi said as she took his arm. "I'll be there for you no matter what. We all will."

"I know, Kens, and I appreciate that," he said softly, reaching up to stroke her cheek with the back of his fingers. "But, I'm on my own tomorrow. Tell the guys I'll see them at the hearing."

"What about breakfast?" Kensi asked.

"You can have my pancakes, Kens," he answered as he stepped into the hallway. "I don't think I'm going to be hungry and I know I won't be very good company."

He kissed her quickly and then turned and walked toward the elevator. He didn't look back, his stomach nervously churning as he walked. He felt his anger rising as his mind turned back to his childhood and he slammed his fist into the far wall of the elevator as the door closed behind him. When he reached his room, he picked up the phone and rang Joe's room.

"This better be good," Joe's sleepy voice muttered.

"I need to talk to you," Deeks said softly.

"Now?"

"Yeah," Deeks said as he clinched his fist.

"What's wrong?" Joe sounded very much awake now and Deeks held on to the sound of his voice as Joe started talking to him in one long monologue. Deeks didn't say anything, just waited and listened until he heard the soft knock at the door and got up to let his partner into the room.

"You okay?" Joe asked as he noticed Deeks' hands curled tightly into fists next to his body.

"You're not gonna hit me are you, man?" Joe said softly as he reached out and put his hand on Deeks' shoulder.

"I need to tell you something," he answered, closing his eyes. "Because if I don't, I'm afraid I might rip this room to shreds."

"Sit down, partner, I'm here and I'm listening," Joe said as he led Deeks over to the two chairs by the window.

Deeks never sat down; he just leaned his head against the cool glass of the window and stared into the night as he recounted a story from his childhood that still haunted him.

...


	32. Chapter 32

**Judgement: Chapter 32**

...

He stood in the same place at the window he had the night before when he'd spoken with Joe. He rubbed his hand absently across the healed scars on his chest and stomach as he watched early morning joggers on the gray sidewalks below. Traffic was already heavy and like the sounds of any city they penetrated through the glass in muted tones. Then he reminded himself that this wasn't just any city. This city held his future in its powerful hands and he closed his eyes against the possibilities that crowded his mind and none of them seemed very good.

He hadn't slept well and now as the city woke from its own slumber, he relived that part of his childhood he was worried Granger would use against him today at the hearing. He had berated himself throughout the night that he shouldn't have been surprised that Granger would have access to everything about him. Even Hetty couldn't hide everything, but he wished she could have. He had always been comforted by the knowledge that she knew what he had endured as a child, but he had always chosen carefully what he told the others. He knew they probably wouldn't judge him as harshly as he judged himself, but he still clung to the need to hide some of the more troubling episodes in his life, especially the ones he was embarrassed about and that he had paid for just like any juvenile offender. Those records were usually sealed, but some things just couldn't be hidden from the people he had been working for. If Hetty had found them, then he was pretty sure Granger had as well, and would use them against him without hesitation. As a child he had felt such a lack of control over his life, and now he felt that same lack of control over his future, and he felt dark anger rise within him once again.

Joe had encouraged him to keep tight control of himself today. He had told him to look at him whenever he needed to steady himself or when he felt his anger getting the better of him and he reminded himself of that now. He took a deep breath and let his thoughts turn back to the ranch in Wyoming and the calming voice of George Atwood and the comforting feel of riding Sheila along the creek. He felt his muscles slowly relax and he smiled, knowing he had at least one place he could go if his career was over.

The knock on the door startled him and he almost reached for his gun, making him realize just how unsettled and tightly wound he was. He took another deep breath and headed for the door, wondering if it was Kensi on the other side, still miffed at him for not confiding in her.

"Good morning, Mr. Deeks," Hetty said with a small smile when he opened the door. "May I come in? I see you are partially dressed anyway and I'm thankful for that."

Deeks looked down at his bare chest in embarrassment and quickly pulled on his Laramie tee shirt he had thrown over a chair the night before.

"I see your physical wounds have healed," she said as she walked to the window. "How are the emotional ones, Mr. Deeks?"

"Wyoming was a godsend, Hetty," he answered, as he joined her. "Joe's father, George, helped me come to terms with what happened and I still don't know how to thank him."

"Some people aren't looking for thanks," she said as she turned to look at him. "But then others are looking for anything they can find to hurt us."

"Granger," he said softly.

"Yes. I'm afraid today won't be too pleasant for you, Mr. Deeks," she said as she gave his arm a squeeze. "That's why I'm here. Kensi called me after you left last night. She was angry you wouldn't share your fears with her and I reminded her that we all have secrets we choose to keep, and that she, more than anyone, should understand that."

"Thanks, Hetty," Deeks ran his hands through his hair as he continued to watch the traffic below.

"I believe Granger has all of your juvenile records as well as the psychological profiles," Hetty said softly.

"All of them?" Deeks asked.

"From what Eric was able to discover, yes." she answered. "Mr. Deeks, you need to prepare yourself. He will bring it all up to try and discredit you."

"You mean he's going to tell the committee and everyone in the room that I'm mentally unstable and have been since childhood." Deeks hands formed into fists briefly, before he let his hands drop limply to his sides.

"He's fighting for his career, Mr. Deeks," Hetty said. "And he is, at heart, a politician. He always has been. He wants to place the blame for what happened during the operation on you and he will cloud the true events with as much smoke and as many mirrors as he can throw out there."

"I'm done, Hetty," he said quietly.

"No, Mr. Deeks, you're not," she said. "Now let me give you some encouraging information. I know some of the people who sit on this committee and they are good people. I have been in Washington for the past two weeks, Mr. Deeks and have renewed my contacts with men and women who can help us. I've spoken to SecNav and to the higher ups in the FBI. The Executive Assistant Director of the National Security Branch, Roger Stinson will be there today to support you as well as the head of the Counterterrorism Division, James McLoughlan, whom you know. He wants Granger's head on a stick, Mr. Deeks and so do many others."

"But they don't know what Granger is going to bring up about me," Deeks said. "How supportive are they going to be after they find out about my childhood and all those psychologists' opinions about me?"

"Don't admit defeat just yet, Mr. Deeks," Hetty said. "And don't pull away from the people who are on your side. You'll need their support and you'll need their strength to get through this. Don't be afraid of what your friends will think of you when these revelations come out. They care about you and what happened when you were a child won't change that."

"All I have is the truth of what I did and didn't do during that op, Hetty," Deeks said. "I've tried to leave my childhood terrors behind, but they still haunt me. I'm ashamed of some of the things I did, but I paid for them. And as for the psych evaluations...I was an angry kid, Hetty. A very angry kid."

"Come to breakfast with us, Mr. Deeks," Hetty said. "After you get properly dressed that is. I think you should wear the beige suit today with the cream-colored linen shirt and pale blue tie. It will bring out your eyes. You will look stunning in that outfit, Mr. Deeks."

He couldn't help but smile after that and agreed to meet them all downstairs for breakfast. He watched her walk down the hall and wondered again how she had found him and why she had recruited him.

In the past he had tried to deal with his personal problems on his own, but now he needed all the help he could get and he knew it. He had to trust them like he trusted them in a firefight, because that was what this was, just not with guns. The ammo however, could still be lethal and he had to prepare himself for that. Today might be the end of his career in the intelligence community, but he would go down fighting and he had to trust that his friends would have his back.

...

He walked hesitantly toward the table in the back, scanning the room by habit before his eyes came to rest on his former team calmly eating their breakfast. He was surprised to see Joe there as well and he nervously bit his lower lip as he approached. He glanced quickly at Kensi, trying to judge her mood, but she only smiled and nodded to him before looking over at Hetty.

"You look a hell of a lot better this morning than you did last night, Deeks," Joe said unsmiling, a searching look on his face that Deeks refused to acknowledge.

"Nice suit, Deeks," Sam said lightly. "Looks like Hetty still knows her stuff."

"Maybe they'll be some women on the committee you can impress," Callen said with a smirk before being kicked under the table by a glowering Kensi. "I'm just sayin', Kens."

"Glad you decided to join us, Mr. Deeks," Hetty said softly. "Mr. Callen, signal the waitress please. She seems to watch your every move."

"I'm really not hungry, Hetty," Deeks said quickly. "I just came down to tell you what I think Granger will reveal at the hearings. None of you deserve to be blindsided by what he has on me. I'd rather tell you myself and then you can ask questions if you want to."

"Eat something, Mr. Deeks," Hetty said softly. "You'll need your strength."

"I know you want coffee," Sam said as he pulled out a chair. "Now sit down. We've got plenty of time before we have to be on Capitol Hill."

He did as he was told, sitting down between Sam and Kensi, glad he wouldn't have to look either one in the eye as he told his story. He found the coffee wasn't bad and as the warmth of the liquid hit his stomach he relaxed slightly, welcoming the jolt of caffeine. He ordered pancakes, but couldn't finish them, noticing how quiet everyone had become and increasing his nervousness. He finally pushed his plate away and waited as the waitress cleaned the table before clearing his throat to begin.

"Before you begin, Deeks," Callen said. "I want you to know that whatever you tell us won't change how we feel about you."

"You're still one of us, Deeks," Sam added. "Nothing will change, but if you need to get it off your chest, we're here for you."

Deeks was stunned by their support and bit his lip again and stroked his jaw briefly before beginning.

"This is hard for me," he said, "Because your opinions mean so much to me. All of you have been good friends up until now..."

"Just tell 'em, dumb-ass," Joe said, shaking his head and smiling. "Sheila will still love you when you're done."

Somehow, Joe's smart-ass remark broke the tension for everyone.

"I think you all know that when I was eleven, I shot my dad," Deeks said. "The bastard deserved it. He was trying to kill my mom and I couldn't let that happen, so when he pointed the shotgun at us I shot him. I say it easily now, like it doesn't affect me, but back then it tore me up inside. My mom was hospitalized and so was he. I had a few shotgun pellets they removed in the ER, but they didn't keep me overnight. After the detectives questioned me, I was taken to the Children's Home. I stayed there for three nights."

Deeks' voiced dropped lower the further he got in the story and everyone could see the turmoil he was experiencing in his eyes.

"You know, those places are just like prison," he laughed briefly. "Everybody knows what you're in for and I was the big celebrity because I was the kid who shot his own father. The first night wasn't so bad, but the next two days were hell. I was small for my age and kinda skinny, so when the teenagers jumped me the second night there wasn't much I could do about it. The beating didn't hurt too bad, I'd gotten much worse from my dad, but the taunts...the taunts dug in deep and I didn't know how to deal with them."

Sam put his arm around Deeks' shoulder and he lost it a little bit.

"The thing was, the people at the home wouldn't tell me anything about my mom," Deeks said, tears suddenly filling his eyes. "My dad had beaten her up pretty bad and she had still been unconscious when the cops had come. I couldn't understand why they wouldn't let me know how she was and the last night I was there I screamed at the night clerk, asking him when I could see her. I screamed until he finally told me I wasn't going back with my mom. I was going into foster care."

Deeks stopped and gathered his emotions, afraid to look up from the table and see the looks of pity he knew were there and his anger was suddenly as fresh as it had been when they told him he wouldn't be given back to his mother.

"I had never felt that kind of anger before," Deeks said quietly. "Not even when I shot my dad. I lost it. I just started hitting and kicking that guy until two of the staff pulled me away. One of them held me until I stopped screaming, and then they locked me in a quiet room for the night. The next morning I was taken to a house in the Valley. I was scared and really angry and the first night I trashed the room I shared with two other kids. My so-called foster dad took off his belt and beat the crap out of me."

He dared to look at Kensi and saw her wipe tears from her eyes and then he glanced at Callen, seeing his own anger reflected back at him and he looked quickly down and then continued.

"But that didn't stop me," Deeks' laugh was hollow and his voice turned harsh. "Hell, I was used to that shit. I trashed it again the next night and the dining room the night after that. I think the asshole got tired of whipping me, so the next time it happened he just knocked me out."

The expulsion of breath from Sam made him pause for a second.

"Social services came and got me," he said softly. "One of them was kind enough to tell me my mom had been released from the hospital. You know, I actually thought that meant I was going home. I guess I wasn't too bright. I was in and out of three different foster homes for the next month and I did the same thing to their houses. Only at the last one I threw a vase at my foster mom. I just missed hitting her in the head and that's when I saw my first psychologist about my anger issues. By then I was in Juvie, and the detectives working on the shooting interviewed me there. They took me to trial and I testified against my dad. Man, if looks could kill, I'd be dead. He yelled at me when I got off the stand and it scared me so bad I wet my pants."

Deeks laugh was bitter and mocking. He seemed lost in his memories and his voice was full of contempt.

"The psychologist actually calmed me down," Deeks said. "For awhile, anyway. He let me talk and that helped, but then he wanted to know why I was so angry with my dad and wanted to know what I had done to make him so angry with me. Can you believe that? He had my complete file and he asked me that. I exploded. I trashed his office, his desk and had started on the waiting room when the cops got there. I was sentenced to three months in Juvenal Hall. It was six months before I saw my mom again. By then I had been to three different psychologists. The last one actually helped me."

He took a deep breath and took a sip of his coffee with shaky hands.

"I've read the psych evals from that time in my life," Deeks said softly. "They all say the same thing, except for the final one. I suffer from uncontrollable anger that stems from a mental breakdown in childhood after shooting my father. All of them, accept one, thought I would be a threat to society my whole life. And that is what Granger has."

"What did the last psychologist's report say?" Callen asked.

"That man saved my life," Deeks said. "He worked hard to gain my trust and I didn't make it easy, but after three months, he gave me a clean report and I was allowed to go home for good."

"Did you trash his office too?" Joe asked with a grin.

"He had a special room we went to when I couldn't control my anger," Deeks said with a smile. "It was full of stuff he encouraged me to smash and he even joined me. We must have both looked crazy throwing all that stuff around. He was the first person, other than a cop, to tell me that shooting my dad was justified."

"I thought juvenile records were sealed?" Kensi asked. "How can Granger get those records and use them against you. You were only eleven years old."

"The Assistant Director will do anything to deflect blame away from his own mistakes," Hetty said. "He's decided that Mr. Deeks is vulnerable and he will use whatever ammunition he can lay his hands on to prove that Deeks was out of control during this op and is the reason for the debacle that ensued."

"Well, we have a lot of people who will testify otherwise, don't we Hetty?" Callen said.

"That we do, Mr. Callen," Hetty responded. "That we do."

Deeks was exhausted as he rose from the table. He got no looks of pity, or harsh judgement, as he'd expected, just words of encouragement and support. He was engulfed in bear hugs from Sam and then Joe and received a knowing look of understanding from Callen. After he spoke with Hetty, Kensi came up behind him and wrapped her arms around him, resting her head against his back and he turned to her and she kissed him softly on the mouth.

"Don't ever shut me out again, Marty Deeks," she said seriously. "Or I'll trash your apartment."

"I could give you some tips," he replied lightly with a small smile. "Oh, that's right, you don't need any tips. I've seen your house."

...


	33. Chapter 33

**Judgement: Chapter 33**

...

The day was already warm and humid as the old team walked over to the Capitol from the Hyatt, wanting to expend some of the excess energy and nervousness they were all feeling. Joe had gone to pick up his boss, James McLoughlan and Hetty had told them she had a few phone calls to make and would see them at the hearing. Now, it was just the four of them, walking silently toward the massive Capitol that loomed before them. Deeks wasn't sure what to expect since he had never been to this type of hearing before in any capacity, let alone one at which he would be called to testify. He gripped Kensi's hand tightly as they approached the building, and she looked up at him and gave him a solemn look and he could see the trepidation in her eyes.

When they finally entered the Rotunda he stopped, staring up into the massive dome and his breath caught in his throat as his stomach did a quick flip-flop.

"Don't be intimidated by the place, Deeks. It's just a building," Sam said as he firmly gripped his shoulder. "Just take a deep breath and keep on breathing and you'll do fine. The truth is on your side."

His mouth was so dry he couldn't even respond, so he simply nodded at Sam's kindness and followed Callen through security. When they reached the hearing room, he saw Hetty talking with Director Vance outside the closed doors and Joe was just walking up with McLoughlan, who immediately came over to shake his hand and ask how he was doing. He was soon surrounded by some of the men and women he remembered from the task force meeting before the final assault on the cargo ship. They all asked about his health and shook his hand, but he couldn't remember any of their names or which agency they represented. Finally Hetty waded through the group and took his arm and led him off to the side where Callen was standing.

"Just a heads up, Mr. Deeks," she said quietly. "This will be a closed door investigative hearing due to the sensitive nature of the intelligence involving the Chinese, so no public and no press. The panel will consist of seven members of the Senate Committee on Homeland Security and Governmental Affairs. All witnesses will be present and available for questioning, including you and Joe and of course, Assistant Director Granger. Mr. Callen, Sam and Kensi may be questioned, but quite possibly not. This is purely an investigation into the final operation against Lee Chao."

"Deeks, there's something we need you to know before the hearing starts," Callen said. "We probably should have made you aware of it sooner, but we weren't sure it was going to be used until this morning."

"Granger has been fighting strongly against its inclusion," Hetty added, "But Director Vance got word this morning that the committee wants to see it."

"See what?" Deeks asked.

"The security tape from the cargo ship." Callen said as he searched Deeks' face for his reaction.

"You mean the whole thing is on video?" Deeks asked. He had never even thought about that possibility, although he knew he shouldn't be surprised.

"We've seen the tape, Mr. Deeks," Hetty said softly. "And it supports everything in your report, but it also shows the explosion that killed Agent Scott's team and wounded Joe."

"Are you afraid I can't handle seeing it all again?" Deeks was confused by their concern. "I was there. I saw it all in living color."

"Not everything," Callen said. "The tape shows what happened after you passed out, Deeks. It shows what Granger did when he finally got on board. That's what we're worried you'll react to."

"What the hell did the asshole do?" Deeks asked.

Before Callen could reply, the doors to the meeting room opened and the session was announced.

"Mr. Deeks, I need you to control yourself when you see that tape," Hetty said. "Can you do that?"

"Hetty, tell me what I'm not suppose to react to," He said as they filed into the hearing room.

"Don't react to Granger's actions, Deeks," Callen said with a low commanding voice. "Don't let your anger take over. Understand?"

Deeks nodded as a man came over to direct him toward the long table in front of the dais. He was suddenly caught up in the importance of the event as he looked around at the impressive wood-paneled room. The curved wooden dais looked down over the people starting to take their places at the witness table as the Senators came in and took their seats. He had testified in court before, but not one as intimidating as this one. These people were judge, jury and if need be, executioners and he swallowed hard as he sat down. Joe quickly sat down next to him and gripped his arm.

"The guys and Kensi are right behind you Deeks," Joe said. "You okay?"

"No. You?" Deeks asked.

"Just tell the truth, partner," Joe said quietly. "Let them know what it was like to be there that day."

"Joe, did you know there was security footage of the firefight?" Deeks asked.

"What? No." Joe looked curious and turned to McLoughlan who was sitting next to him and asked him the same question.

"Stinson made sure every agency head saw it," McLoughlan said.

Deeks kept trying to imagine what Granger had done that Callen and Hetty were afraid for him to see. So, when he saw Granger out of the corner of his eye, he turned to stare at the man, hoping it might help him figure it out. Granger's face was rigid and his eyes dark and furtive. He smirked briefly at Deeks before his eyes took on a feral look and he stared at Deeks a long time before finally turning away as the chairman called the meeting to order. Deeks sucked in his breath and held it as the Senators names were announced. His chest was heavy with excitement and he was surprised by sudden rush of adrenaline he felt. He had survived the worst three months of his life since childhood, so he clinched his jaw, determined to survive this latest ordeal.

His mind curled back around to the security footage and sought for a reason his anger might overwhelm him. He knew Granger was reprehensible and he knew up until now he had reacted angrily in every confrontation the two of them had had during this operation. The man just knew how to push his buttons. He searched his mind for a way to remedy that and he suddenly smiled. As an undercover agent he dealt with perilous situations and dangerous people all the time. He had always tightly controlled his responses while undercover, especially his anger, never letting the person he was investigating see who he really was, just his alias. So he mentally sorted through the many aliases he'd used, searching for the perfect one to adapt to this situation. He needed to settle into one that he could count on to keep his true emotions in check, one that would shake Granger out of his certitude and throw him off guard.

Lucas Tucker hovered in his mind for a moment and made him smile. It was an alias he had used while with LAPD. He'd been a tough bodyguard for a drug dealer and was a little too crazy, but one that he had used when Granger sent him on a personal op to pull his daughter out of a drug cartel. Lucas Tucker had unsettled Granger, but was too far removed from his own personality to work here in this high-toned situation. He needed an alias that would keep him calm and whose reactions would somewhat mirror his own but which he could control. Joshua Pike. It was the alias he had used briefly when he'd gone to Rio Vista with Joe to find Lee Chao's yacht. Joshua was a cowboy type, and that reminded him of George Atwood. If anyone could keep him calm, it was George.

"Deeks," Joe squeezed his arm, drawing him back to the present. "Introduce yourself, man."

Deeks looked up to see all the Senators staring at him and he hurriedly said his name and the agency he worked for. Then turned to see Joe with a curious look on his face.

"That was not your regular voice," Joe whispered, covering the microphone in front of him.

"Remember Joshua Pike?" Deeks whispered back. "Well, think of him as a younger version of your dad."

"You're channeling my dad during a Senate hearing?" Joe choked out.

"I need him, Joe," Deeks said. "It'll help me stay under control."

"You are crazy, partner," Joe said shaking his head. "And you are weirding me out."

Deeks smiled broadly at his partner and then turned his attention back to the hearing. He sat listening as the representative from the CIA gave a report about their investigation into Lee Chao and his connection to the Chinese government and how they had lost him. It was the first any of them had heard that two undercover CIA agents had been killed trying to bring in Lee Chao. After that the company had lost track of him. The testimony of an agent from the Department of Defense followed, with more details about the agents the Chinese government was suspected of running inside the country.

Several of the Senators began to question the two witnesses and Deeks took the opportunity to study each one of them, trying to gauge whose side they might be on, his or Granger's. He was good at reading people, but politicians were difficult. Senator Wilson, the chairman, asked tough no nonsense questions and had the bearing of a military man, while the Senator from Missouri, Diane Michaels, made him believe she was distrustful of what she was hearing in the answers to her questions. He heard a little anger in her voice and it surprised him. The only other Senator to question the men, Harold Hoskins, was from Alabama and smiled whenever he asked a question. He seemed pleasant enough, but Deeks detected a hint of self-promotion that made him nervous and wary of the Senator. All of them were tough on the CIA, berating them for losing such a dangerous Chinese agent, and Deeks wondered if they realized just how good Lee Chao had been at his business and how vicious he was to the people who got in his way. He wondered if they even cared.

As the questioning continued with Assistant Director McLoughlan of the FBI's Counterterrorism Division, the tension in the room became palpable. Deeks watched the faces of the Senators as McLoughlan outlined the set up of the Joint Task Force and the cooperation between the different agencies. He turned to listen as he heard his name mentioned, hoping it wasn't his turn to be questioned just yet. McLoughlan began to recount Deeks' summary of his surveillance and knowledge of Lee Chao, but was quickly cut off by the Senator from Alabama.

"We'll hear from Detective Deeks later in the day, Mr. McLoughlan," Hoskins said with a smile.

As soon as Deeks heard himself referred to as a detective, he knew the Senator had spoken with Granger and was his ally on the committee.

"Mr. Deeks is an agent with the FBI, Senator," McLoughlan replied strongly. "And I think he should be referred to as such. He earned it."

"We'll see about that, Mr. McLoughlan," Hoskins replied with no hint of a smile.

"I agree with you, Mr. McLoughlan," a new voice interjected. "Agent Deeks has every right to be addressed correctly. You wouldn't want us to refer to you by your previous occupation, would you Senator Hoskins? Insurance agent doesn't quite have the same ring to it as Senator."

"Senator Ryan, my standing before this committee isn't in question," Hoskins said sharply.

"Neither is Agent Deeks," Senator Ryan replied. "He has been called before this committee to give expert testimony about a Chinese agent that he personally killed. That gives him standing in my book, Senator as I'm sure it does to the members of this committee and most of the witnesses sitting before us."

Deeks was stunned at the strong words of support from someone he didn't even know and he saw people at the witness table nodding their assent as were several of the Senators, including the chairman and Senator Michaels, who gave him a brief smile as well as a nod. It gave him confidence that he had a few people on his side, but they hadn't heard what Granger had to say yet, so he controlled his emotions and tried to keep himself on an even keel.

McLoughlan's testimony continued as he laid out the plans for the assault on the cargo ship. Deeks' head began to fill with memories of that night and he clinched his hands into fists as the sounds of automatic weapons fire and the screams of dying men echoed through his mind. He took a sip from the glass of water in front of him and saw his hand shake as he put it down. He realized he didn't want to relive that night and a small sense of panic fluttered in his chest. Joe noticed and suddenly gripped down tightly on Deeks' leg, sending a jolt through him and pulling him back into the present.

"Hang in there, partner," Joe whispered.

Deeks closed his eyes as the testimony and questioning of McLoughlan continued. He forced his thoughts back to Wyoming, to the calming voice of George Atwood and the comforting act of riding along a lazy creek. He began to slowly control his breathing and take on the alias of Joshua Pike. He realized the flashbacks were dangerous for him and he fought to look back at the firefight through the eyes of his alias. He needed to distance himself from the terror of that night and he looked over at Joe Atwood and took a deep breath. Joe had survived. He had survived and he knew he had to concentrate on that or he would lose control of the present. Then a question shocked him back to the proceedings.

"Perhaps Agent Deeks can explain why he broke those protocols and went in before the go order was given," Senator Hoskins said loudly.

Deeks jerked his head up at the mention of his name and at the portent of the comment. He heard McLoughlan respond angrily, as did several others at the witness table and the chairman was forced to bang his gavel for order. Deeks looked over at Granger and saw him staring at him with a smug look on his face. Deeks now knew the plan of attack and somehow that calmed him. He was suddenly resigned to what was going to happen and realized his mind was completely clear and focused. He felt the familiar anger, but he also felt the cockiness that came when he was undercover and "flying by the seat of his pants" as Hetty called it. He suddenly laughed out loud, stunning the CIA agent next to him and sending a shiver of shock through Granger's eyes.

"Fuck you," he said softly in Granger's direction and continued to smile broadly as he turned back to look at the Senator and take in the loud voices of the argument going on around him. He had gone up against a seasoned Chinese agent and had finally won. This shit was nothing. His mind locked onto the image of Lee Chao's face as the bullets impacted his chest and he laughed again. Sometimes, he thought, you had to be a little crazy to play this game and he was good at crazy, especially in a firefight.

...


	34. Chapter 34

**Judgement: Chapter 34**

...

The atmosphere in the hearing room was more subdued after lunch. Witnesses and Senators alike seemed to be a little embarrassed by the uproar that had met Senator Hoskins remark accusing Deeks of blowing the op from the beginning. Hoskins however, didn't seem the least bit fazed by the turmoil he'd caused and sat down with an expansive smile on his face as he looked down from his perch above the witness table. Deeks had felt his cockiness fade a little during lunch as he listened to his friends and colleagues vent their anger at the direction the hearing was going. He had watched Hetty carefully during some of the rants by Stinson and McLoughlan of the FBI, and since she looked calm, it helped him retain some of his self-confidence. Now that he was back at the witness table, he took a couple of deep breaths to prepare for the personal information that would be laid bare before everyone in the room when Assistant Director Granger's testimony began.

He had tried to keep his childhood trauma to himself most of his life. He had tried to lock it away deep inside to lessen its impact as he grew into adulthood. He rarely thought about what he had suffered unless some event caused it to roar back into his mind, shaking him and reminding him of some particular terror. Now, those terrors and his reactions to them would be displayed publicly for everyone in this room to sift through and examine and he felt his stomach turn and his hands grow clammy. He sucked his breath in and held it, trying to keep his anger at that reality under control. He knew he had to control himself or risk his entire future. He let his mind return to the alias of Joshua Pike, but his hold on it was tenuous and he wasn't sure he would be able to maintain that alias as Granger testified. Some things were just too personal, but he knew he had to try.

"Assistant Director Granger, I understand you wish to read a statement before proceeding with your testimony," Senator Wilson said.

"Yes, Mr. Chairman," Granger said warmly. "I think it will clarify some of my thoughts for the committee."

"We certainly look forward to hearing about this matter from a man of your experience, Mr. Granger," Senator Hoskins remarked enthusiastically.

"Thank you," Granger smiled quickly back and began. "I know this committee's concern is with the final assault on Lee Chao, but I feel it is imperative that the Senators understand the scope of this operation from the beginning, when it all fell apart. My recommendations for putting Lee Chao under surveillance were ignored from the beginning. The senior agent, G. Callen, saw fit to assign a former police officer, and a junior agent to go undercover in order to discover which terrorists he was trying to sell the RPGs to. My objections to sending in a severely under trained operative were ignored and consequently, when the final sale was to take place, our NCIS team was compromised and three of our top agents were almost killed, and their lives hung in the balance for many days."

Granger paused and took a sip of water. Deeks felt so cold he almost couldn't breathe, the memories of those first few days tumbling darkly back into his mind.

"The one person on that team left standing, Detective Deeks, was so out of control afterwards that hospital security had to be called." Granger continued. "The next few weeks found everyone at NCIS scrambling to pick up the pieces. I was able to secure the missing RPGs, but, Mr. Deeks continued to ignore my orders and basically went rogue, leaving me no other choice but to take him into custody, during which he attacked one of my best agents. During his brief time in custody, Mr. Deeks attacked my agent again, causing me to terminate his employment with NCIS. Mr. Deeks lost control afterwards and had to be sedated by hospital staff, so you can see what I was dealing with here, Senators. For some reason, the FBI decided to take this man on and again over my objections he was allowed to participate in the final raid. Agent Deeks has been a loose cannon during this entire operation and my testimony will reveal just how unstable and untrustworthy this man is and has been since he was a child. You have seen the result of his actions in the loss of good men during the final assault on Lee Chao."

Deeks couldn't catch his breath and stared blindly at the table in front of him. He thought he had been prepared, but now he knew he hadn't been ready for this and all the anger and guilt he had felt during the past three months crashed down on him once more. He suddenly felt Sam's hands come to rest solidly on his shoulders and realized that he and Callen and Kensi were standing up behind him, surrounding him with their support and he was stunned by their actions. He lifted his head and turned to see Joe standing as well, along with McLoughlan and Hetty. They all faced the committee silently until Hetty spoke.

"Senators, we are Mr. Deeks' team. We have all worked side by side with him and we vehemently disagree with everything that has just been stated," Hetty said firmly.

"You people are out of order," Senator Hoskins said loudly. "This time has been allotted to Assistant Director Granger and this committee will not stand for any more interruptions."

"I believe the actions of this group in response to Mr. Granger's statement should go on record," Senator Ryan said in response. Senator Michaels seconded him and the chairman instructed that it should be noted.

The anger of the boorish Senator from Alabama was obvious as he instructed the team to sit down, but he immediately opened the door to more damning testimony as he asked Granger a question.

"You mentioned Agent Deeks has been unstable since childhood," Hoskins said. "Could you elaborate on that for the committee, Assistant Director?"

Deeks felt himself shiver as he listened to Owen Granger's stark voice recount the shooting of his father and his terrifying six months journey through the system afterward. He even sounded crazy to himself as he listened to Granger read the reports from Child Services, Juvenile Hall and all but one of the psychologists' reports. He felt completely stripped of his dignity and his privacy and the laughter of his father rang in his ears. If he could have run, he would have, but he didn't. He was too numb to move, so he just sat there until Joe nudged him and he realized he had been asked a question.

"Sorry, could you repeat your question?" he asked quietly.

"How old were you, Agent Deeks, when all this happened?" Senator Michaels asked softly.

"I was eleven," he replied.

"I liked to hear what happened before you shot your father," Senator Wilson said.

So Deeks told them. Somehow it gave him strength to see the shocked looks on their faces as he described the beating of his mother and his attempts to protect her. He spared no detail from his own beating before he ran for the gun and he felt the same defiance he'd felt that night as he finished.

"Did your mother survive the beating he gave her?" Another Senator asked.

"Yes, she did," he replied.

"Sounds like you were a handful even then, Mr. Deeks," Senator Hoskins said. "Your father took a strong hand with you because you probably needed it, now didn't you?"

"My father was a drunken son-of-a-bitch who beat the shit out of me and my mother whenever he felt like it, Senator," Deeks said harshly. "If he needed a reason to do it he usually came up with one and had been since I was four. So Senator, if I may say so, you and Granger don't know the half of what I went through and when I saw him level a shotgun at my mom I shot him. What would you do Senator, if a man tried to kill your mother?"

The Senator didn't respond.

"Agent Deeks, why did you trash the houses of the foster families who were trying to help you?" Senator Ryan asked calmly.

"Because he was mentally unstable after what he had done and completely out of control," Granger said.

"I wasn't addressing you, Mr. Granger," Ryan said quickly. "So, kindly be quiet until someone asks you a question. Agent Deeks? Why?"

"I really don't know," he said honestly. "I was angry, that's true, because no one would tell me whether my mom was dead or alive. I was scared, Senator. Scared and probably in shock by what I'd had to do and scared I'd never see my mother again."

"That's not what the psychologists said in their reports," Senator Hoskins said gruffly. "They thought you were incorrigible and a threat to society."

"They were wrong, Senator," Deeks said defiantly. "When I was returned to my mother, we lived a fairly average life and I went to college, passed the bar, became a lawyer and then an undercover cop, an NCIS agent and then joined the FBI. I guess you'd say I overachieved. I've taken down drug cartels and human traffickers and helped my NCIS team keep terrorists from attacking this country. I've put away a lot of bad guys and I'm proud of that."

"Were you a loose cannon after your team went down in the first op against Lee Chao?" Senator Ryan asked. "Did you go rogue as Mr. Granger charges?"

"No sir," Deeks replied. "I was the only one left to keep an eye on him and I was under orders from my boss, Henrietta Lange. She instructed me to keep Lee Chao under surveillance and try to discover where the RPGs were hidden and that's what I did."

"Is that true Ms. Lange?" Senator Ryan asked.

"It is, sir," Hetty answered. "And might I also say, for the record, that Mr. Deeks had been injured during that blown operation, but refused to be hospitalized so he could track Lee Chao."

"How was his state of mind during that time, Ms. Lange?" Senator Michaels asked.

"To be honest, I'm not sure how he stayed on his feet," she answered. "After being run down by an SUV driven by one of the escaping terrorists, he managed to pull Mr. Callen out of the burning wreckage of a car Lee Chao had hit with an RPG. His own partner had been horribly wounded and was taken to the hospital in a coma, but he still continued to track the man responsible. It was really quite extraordinary. Was he on the edge of mental and physical collapse during that time? Probably. But he still did his job in spite of the pain and the fear that all the members of the team he had worked with for over two years might die."

"You admire him," Senator Ryan said.

"Yes, Senator, as should all of you," Hetty said. "Without Mr. Deeks' efforts, Lee Chao would still be out there and home grown terrorists would be using those recovered RPGs on targets in this country."

"Mr. Deeks had nothing to do with recovering those RPGs, Ms. Lange, and you know it," Senator Hoskins said loudly.

"I know nothing of the sort Senator," Hetty said firmly. "Ask Agent Atwood. He was there when they were recovered."

"Agent Atwood, I am curious how an FBI agent became involved in an NCIS operation," Senator Wilson questioned.

Joe calmly recounted his assignment under the direction of Granger as a favor between agencies. He explained how his FBI undercover partner had compromised the first op, causing the decimation of the NCIS team. He told of his first meeting with Deeks and their decision to work together to discover where the RPGs might be hidden. He paused briefly to gather himself before describing their exploration of Lee Chao's yacht in Rio Vista.

"I want this committee and the people in this room to know that I owe my life to this man," Joe said softly as he reached across to grip Deeks' arm. He looked over at him before continuing. "Lee Chao fired a missile directly at the two of us and if it wasn't for Deeks, I wouldn't be talking to you right now. He tackled me off the end of that pier and into the water. And that was the second time that night he'd saved my life. He found those RPGs and let me and Granger take the credit. He's the best undercover operative I've ever seen and the best partner I've ever worked with."

"I understand it was you who recommended that the FBI Counterterrorism Division hire Mr. Deeks after he was let go by NCIS," Senator Wilson said.

"Yes sir," Joe answered. "He had been tracking Lee Chao for weeks. He was knowledgeable about his habits and his cover was still intact. Lee Chao didn't know he was an undercover agent until Deeks tried to save Agent Pearson."

"But he got him killed instead, isn't that right, Agent Atwood?" Hoskins asked.

"No sir, it's not," Joe said angrily. "Deeks went back to Locke after our takedown of the terrorists holding the remaining RPGs. He happened to see Lee Chao and followed him into an underground passage where they were holding Agent Pearson."

"Let me interrupt you, Atwood," the Senator from Alabama said quickly. "I think we would all like to hear Mr. Deeks tell us what happened. From the reports I've read, Agent Deeks, you gave up your gun without a fight and just let Lee Chao slit the agent's throat. Is that correct?"

"Watching that happen is one of the biggest regrets I have, Senator," Deeks answered softly. He lowered his head and took a deep breath as the image of Pearson's dying eyes haunted his mind.

"So you could have saved him?" Senator Wilson asked.

"When I entered that room, a man had a knife to his throat," Deeks answered. "If I had fired, he would have cut his throat, so I surrendered, hoping they would turn their attention to me and leave him be."

"But they didn't," Senator Ryan said quietly.

"No," Deeks said. "Lee Chao wanted to know what agencies were after him, but Pearson wouldn't give that up, even after they tortured him. Lee Chao called him worthless, but he wasn't. He was brave and they took his life for it."

"You were tortured as well, Mr. Deeks," Senator Hoskins said. "What information did you give up to Lee Chao? Seems to me it was you who compromised that final operation by giving Lee Chao sensitive information during his interrogation of you, which I understand was quite brutal. You failed where Pearson succeeded. You broke and Lee Chao knew all he needed to foil any assault on that cargo ship of his. You're the weak link here, Agent Deeks, and everyone here knows it. In fact, Assistant Director Granger believes your entire report about that night is a lie."

Ghosts of pain from that night made him shiver as he listened to the Senator's attack. His ears roared with his own remembered screams and he couldn't speak. The room was silent as he tried to gather himself. Did he break? He wasn't sure now. Was he really the one at fault? Had Lee Chao beaten him once and for all? Was Granger right? Were his memories of that night true? Had he divulged critical information during those sessions with the cattle prod that got all those men killed during the final assault? Had Lee Chao been waiting for them, because he wasn't able to hold out under torture? Maybe he wasn't strong enough to do this job and it had cost men's lives. How could he live with that if it were true?

"Mr. Chairman," James McLoughlan's voice cut through the chill in the room. "I was hoping I wouldn't have to do this, but after the Senator's accusation, I feel I have no choice. If the Chairman will allow it, I have a video I think the committee needs to see."

"Of what exactly, Mr. McLoughlan?" The chairman asked.

"Of Lee Chao's interrogation of Agent Deeks," he replied. "If Lee Chao had been your average arms dealer we probably wouldn't have this, but he wasn't. He was a seasoned Chinese agent and he recorded his interrogation for future reference. When Agent Atwood and the Tactical Squad rescued Agent Deeks, they also recovered a computer containing a video of his interrogation."

"By all means, let's take a look at it," Chairman Wilson said.

"I must warn everyone that this will be tough to watch." McLoughlan said. "The techniques used are classic Chinese interrogation methods of torture and it is brutal and very disturbing. But, it's also how we discovered we were dealing with a Chinese agent."

The moment Deeks saw himself dragged into that room and tied up in that cage he dropped his head and tried to drown out the sounds of his own screams as they echoed through the hearing room. He shouldn't have been embarrassed by them but he was. He felt Joe's hand tightly grip his arm and Sam's hands were once again solidly on his shoulders as he stood close behind him. He felt Kensi briefly stroke his arm as she hurried from the room, and it made him look up, seeing many others leaving as well. Several Senators were looking anywhere but at the video screen and a couple had their hands over their ears, trying to block all of it out, especially his screams.

"I think we've seen enough of this," Senator Hoskins said, disgust on his face and revulsion in his eyes.

"Senator, you were the one who questioned Agent Deeks' resolve and truthfulness during this barbaric interrogation," Chairman Wilson said roughly. "If he could endure going through it, you can endure watching it."

There was an audible gasp of relief from everyone when Joe and his squad entered the room and killed the two men torturing him. As everyone watched Joe cut him down and pull him out of the cage, Deeks could sense the flood of emotion that was released throughout the room when they saw Joe cradle him in his arms. He turned to look at his partner, but Joe's head was down, his emotions as raw as everyone else's.

"Let the record show," Chairman Wilson said slowly. "At no time during his interrogation, did Agent Deeks reveal any classified information or any information at all about the case or the agencies he worked for. Agent Deeks, we are amazed at your courage and at your resilience. We commend you and I'm sure my colleagues would agree with me when I say, we are thankful that you survived. Ladies and gentlemen, I think we've seen and heard enough for today."

With a bang of the gavel, the first day was over. Deeks wasn't sure he could make it through another one.

...


	35. Chapter 35

**Judgement: Chapter 35**

...

The bang of the gavel rang in his ears and the horror filled session was finally over. He could feel his heart pounding in his chest and his pulse beating loudly in his ears, shutting off the cascade of voices that tumbled around him. People reached out to him but he was too stunned to respond, his eyes staring, but seeing nothing but the blurring of people as they came into view mouthing words he didn't hear. He sensed their kindness, but wanted nothing to do with the emotion he saw in their eyes. All he felt was Sam's warm hand on the back of his neck, but even that was not enough to still the panic that was rising in his chest. The crush of people surrounding him suddenly became claustrophobic and he felt the need to escape, to run from them and from the images still locked in his head and from the sounds of his own screams he'd been forced to listen to and unable to block out. He pushed through the throng of men in front of him and shoved past well-wishers, ignoring the many hands held out to shake his. He wanted nothing to do with any of them or the smiling faces that signaled the hollow victory or the pitying glances behind the smiles, so he bolted from the room. He heard his name called out by familiar voices, but it didn't stop him. Once free, he ran out of the building, fighting to breathe, to be alone, to be somewhere else, anywhere but among the strangers who now knew his most private childhood terrors and who were witnesses to today's harrowing loss of dignity.

He moved quickly out into the light of the late afternoon, seeking solace in anonymity among the swarming tourists. He feared someone would come after him and he didn't want to be found, so he lost himself as he'd been trained to do, furtively watching in case he was being followed. His breathing was shallow and tentative and he realized he hadn't taken a deep breath since the video had begun to play. He stopped, drawing in needed air and closing his eyes as his own screams reverberated once again through head. He knew now he had never really dealt with any of that horrific ordeal. He had simply put it in the back of his mind because he'd had to in order to carry out the planning for the final assault on Lee Chao.

Someone touched his arm and he jerked away, automatically reaching back for a gun that wasn't there.

"You okay, man?" A soldier asked. He was with his family and he looked concerned and his question puzzled Deeks.

"Yeah, no. Why?" Deeks asked, nervously brushing his hair back from his face.

"You looked like you were about to pass out," the soldier said and he took Deeks by the arm and led him over to a stone bench and gently pushed him down. The soldier's wife handed him a bottle of water and the young family stood around him as he drank all of it down. He felt warm tears on his face and he stood in embarrassment as the emotions of the day finally caught up with him. He stumbled blindly, trying to run once again, but the soldier simply caught his arm and made him sit back down and then sat down next to him, motioning for his family to leave them.

"Listen, man. I don't know what you're going through, but I can listen if you want to talk," the soldier said quietly.

Deeks stared off into space for a while, not acknowledging that the man had spoken. He roughly wiped his face and stared down at his hands, surprised at the tears clinging to his fingers. He leaned forward to stare at the green grass in front of him and then out across The Mall at the monuments beyond. The soldier sat silently by his side as he collected himself, a solid presence that reminded him of Sam. He was a stranger, but a stranger who knew nothing about him and that was more comforting than anything.

"Thanks," Deeks said hoarsely. "Been a rough day."

"I recognized the look," the soldier said.

"What look?" Deeks asked.

"You look like you just came out of a bad firefight," he answered.

"Yeah. Something like that," Deeks said. "Just not with guns."

"But you're used to having one, right?" He asked. "I saw you reach for it when I touched you."

"Cop." Deeks said, surprised he'd used that description of himself.

The soldier nodded, patting him solidly on the back as he stood.

"Talk to someone, man," the soldier said. "It helps. Believe me, I know."

"Thanks, buddy," Deeks said and turned to watch the soldier rejoin his family and become lost in the wandering groups of tourists.

Deeks sat quietly reviewing the day, recalling his thought that he could control his emotions by slipping into an alias and he laughed bitterly at his naïveté. He was exhausted, but he stood and began to walk toward the monuments gleaming in the distance, determined to lose himself in the city and find some sense of peace away from his memories and the lingering emotions of the day.

...

"Why did you let him go?" Kensi asked angrily as the two senior agents stood silently in front of her looking at the floor.

"Kens, I think he just needed to be alone, away from all of it," Callen finally said, his voice low, trying to make her understand that it wasn't a rejection.

"From us too?" She asked quietly.

"You left when that video started playing," Sam said softly as he wrapped her in a hug. "He couldn't. He had to relive it, Kens. It made everyone in that room sick, but think what it must of been like for him to have to sit there and listen to his own screams and remember the pain that caused them."

"I should have stayed, Sam," she whispered. "I should have been there for him, but I just couldn't bear to watch him suffer like that."

"I don't think he was aware of anyone else in the room, Kensi," Hetty said softly as she joined them.

Joe stood a little way behind her, his face still so clouded with rage that Kensi was shocked at the difference in the usually good-natured man. She walked away from Sam and went to stand in front of him, knowing exactly how and what he was feeling.

"Don't blame yourself for that Joe," she said. "He wouldn't want you to do that."

"I was his partner, Kensi," Joe said weakly. "I should have started looking for him sooner. If I had..."

"Stop it, Joe!" Kensi cut him off. Then she hugged him and she felt the tension ripple through his muscles. He took a deep breath and stepped back from her as the others joined them.

"I wouldn't blame him if he didn't show up tomorrow," Joe said, shaking his head. "I yelled at my own boss for showing that video, so I might not even have a job after this fuckin' dog and pony show is over."

"He had no choice, Mr. Atwood," Hetty said firmly. "As difficult as it was to watch, the men and women of that committee had to be made aware of the lies Granger is willing to perpetrate in order to lay the blame for his own mistakes at Mr. Deeks' feet. We can't allow that to happen. Granger is pulling out all the stops. Exposing Deeks' abusive childhood and the psych evals that followed and emotionally stripping him bare before everyone in that room is part of his game plan. But tomorrow, it will be our turn to give Granger some of his own medicine. So, prepare yourself Joe. Tomorrow won't be much easier on either one of you, but Granger's true colors will come out and I do hope Mr. Deeks will be there to see it."

"Can't we just shoot the fucking bastard?" Joe asked.

"You're starting to sound like Kensi," Callen said.

"How did Deeks get two partners who like to shoot people?" Sam asked.

"Well, if anybody deserves it, Granger and that shit face Senator Hoskins do," Joe said angrily.

"I've been in meetings with that particularly obnoxious Senator," Hetty said, shivering dramatically for effect. "He's so full of hot air that if you poked him with a needle he'd fly around the room backwards."

That description made them all laugh out loud and alleviated some of the tension they were all still feeling.

"Well, he's definitely in Granger's corner," Callen said seriously.

"More like his puppet, if you ask me," Hetty said. "I think Granger has something on the man."

"Should we have Eric take a look at that possibility?" Callen asked.

"No. That would be dangerous for Mr. Beale," Hetty replied and Callen let the thought go.

"What was Director Vance's take on today's session, Hetty?" Sam asked in a low voice.

"He was very shaken by the video and by what Mr. Deeks endured," she answered. "I think he was surprised that he had the strength and courage to withstand that level of torture. He knows from experience just how hard it is to resist."

They were all quiet for a while as they assimilated what she had just said. They had all gone through some rough interrogations during their time in the field, and now there was a connection between each of them and the Director that hadn't been there before.

"Did he know about the psych evals?" Callen asked.

"He did, Mr. Callen," Hetty said. "But, I think that whole attack on Mr. Deeks' childhood and the trauma he went through, backfired on Granger. I think the committee was sympathetic towards Mr. Deeks after that, especially when they discovered he was only eleven at the time."

"Do you know anything about Senator Ryan, Hetty?" Callen asked with a searching look in his eye.

"As a matter of fact, I do, Mr. Callen," Hetty replied. "He's a decorated veteran of Iraq and the son of a close friend of Roger Stinson, the Executive Assistant Director of the National Security Branch of the FBI. Roger owes me and when he found out Mick Ryan was selected to be one of the committeemen for this hearing he introduced us. Unofficially, of course. Needless to say, I gave him an earful about Granger and some insight into Mr. Deeks. I think he is now firmly on our side, especially after seeing that video."

"Soldiers understand what it takes to survive something like that," Sam said softly.

"Do you think he's okay?" Kensi asked quietly.

They all knew who she meant and Sam pulled her close as they stood looking out over the city. They made plans for dinner together back at the hotel in case he returned, then began the walk back. No one spoke, but occasionally each one would search the passing crowds hoping to see him.

...

He breathed deeply as he sat by the Reflecting Pool below the Lincoln Memorial, the marble brilliantly white against the deep indigo sky hanging softly over the city. He let his mind wander as he watched tourists stroll by him and he wondered what it would be like to live a normal life, to work without a gun or the need to be hyper vigilant all the time. Could he do that? He wasn't sure. Maybe he needed the adrenalin rush or maybe he just needed to tempt fate to remind himself how he had cheated it as a child. Maybe he needed that constant feeling of living on the edge to appreciate that he'd survived. Shit. Maybe he was just addicted to the violence. He had lived with it throughout the majority of his life. He had learned to live with it early. He had been baptized in it by his father. Could he change this late in the game and just walk away? It was tempting to do that. To disappear from the life he knew and create an entirely new one, completely different from the one he was living. He could do that. It would be easy. Like taking on an alias, only this time it would be permanent. He toyed with the thought, seriously considering what it would mean to him and to the friends he had made. Could he leave them without a backward glance? Could he leave Kensi and forget what they had together?

The thoughts halted as a group of four soldiers walked past him, their faces serious and drawn. He watched as they took one of the pathways leading away from the glowing monument and disappeared among the trees. He decided to follow them. He desperately needed a distraction and they were as good as any, reminding him of the kindness he had experienced from the soldier earlier that afternoon. He walked quickly after them and finally saw them standing at the entry to the Vietnam Veteran's Memorial. The Wall. He'd read about it and felt a chill raced down his spine as the four soldiers walked down the slope toward the center. He followed, walking silently past the eerie black reflective wall etched with the names of the dead. The lower the slope took him the more sound became deadened and the outside world dropped away, leaving him with his own dark reflection mirrored behind the names.

He paused and watched the four men searching for a name and when one found it, he called softly to the others. One of the men pulled a small box from his pocket and opened it, proudly showing the medal inside to his friends. Deeks could see tears quickly blinked away as the man knelt and placed it on the ledge at the base of the haunting dark wall. Then the soldier stood and ran his fingers over a particular name and then bowed his head for a few seconds before turning to his friends. In unison they faced the wall and saluted. Each friend touched the soldier in their own way as they walked off together leaving him alone with his questions.

Deeks was strangely touched by what he had seen, even though they were strangers and he knew nothing of their story. The silence that surrounded this place was comforting and people came and went quietly, whispering as they touched the dark granite and then moved silently on. Over fifty thousand stories echoed around him, all ending here to be revered by strangers and sometimes by family, but never forgotten because of their sacrifice. Now he knew he couldn't run away. He couldn't surrender to his fear of what would come tomorrow or the day after that. His battle had been short, but he had survived, and he had made a difference by taking out a man who would have thought nothing of killing men and women like these whose names were carved into this wall.

He suddenly felt proud of himself. He had done his job and that job was important. He had let his emotions overwhelm him today and it had shaken him and made him feel vulnerable and Granger had used that to his advantage. But, he wouldn't let that happen again. He absorbed the strength and courage from the spirit of the soldiers that surrounded him and grew more confident as he did. He looked past the names at his own reflection in the black granite and he saw a man who needed to stand up for the truth, not be burdened by it.

Slowly he became filled with cold determination and he began to mentally strip himself of all emotion about what had happened during that final assault. He needed to be dispassionate about that night and about his future. He would tell the truth as he had lived it and if the committee decided to lay the blame at his feet then he would live with that as well. His future might hang in the balance, but that wasn't the most important consideration. He was determined to honor the men who had died that night. Men whose names were carved into granite headstones set in places scattered across the country. Men who had made the ultimate sacrifice trying to keep Lee Chao from bringing chaos and death down on innocent people. He wouldn't let the committee forget those men or play politics over their graves. They deserved as much reverence and honor as the men and women whose names were etched into the dark wall in front of him.

His mind clear, he turned and walked solemnly up and out of the memorial. A soft breeze moved gently through the tops of the trees above him and he felt calm for the first time that day. He was suddenly hungry and wondered if Kensi had already eaten. He regretted running from the friends who had stood by him today, and he needed to apologize for that. They didn't deserve it and although he wasn't sure he deserved their friendship, he knew he was a better and stronger person because of it. Leaving that kind of friendship behind wasn't an option. It was too rare and hard to come by; that he knew beyond reason. No, this was his life, good or bad and there was no reason to create a new one. Leaving Kensi? Well, that would just be stupid. He laughed at the thought as he walked back toward the hotel, pulling his phone and texting her about dinner. Tomorrow would come soon enough, but tonight was his.

...


	36. Chapter 36

**Judgement: Chapter 36**

...

He placed the palms of his hands against the coolness of the window glass, his forehead touching it between them as he stared out at the dark street below. It was too early for joggers, but there were a few people about and he wondered what mission had them out so very early in the day. He had come awake suddenly from a nightmare and had gotten up quickly, afraid he would wake Kensi who lay lost in sleep on his bed, her arms askew over her head and the blankets bunched around her body except for one leg that lay tantalizingly bare. He turned to look at her in the dim light, remembering her refusal to let him go last night after their late supper together. She had clung to him as they rode the elevator up to his room, so quiet and unlike herself that he tried to recall if he had done something to upset her at dinner. She was shy with him as they made love and had held him tightly afterwards before kissing him gently again and again, stroking his chest absently as they lay facing each other. He had fallen asleep before he'd had a chance to ask her what was wrong and now he questioned again what had made her so tentative with him. Realizing it was probably his disappearing act the day before that had upset her, he moved slowly toward the bed and sat down, running his hand along her bare leg until he saw her eyes open and her mouth break into a sleepy smile.

"I couldn't help myself," he said softly with a grin. "You know what your bare skin does to me."

She didn't speak, she just reached for his arms and pulled him down beside her, running her fingers solemnly through his hair as she searched his face. Her eyes suddenly swam with tears and he pulled her to his chest, shushing her as if she were a small child as she buried her head in his neck. He brushed her hair back, before lifting her face to kiss her softly on the mouth.

"What's wrong?" he asked.

"I should have stayed yesterday," she whispered sadly. "I was a coward. I let you relive all of that alone and I am so very sorry."

"Kensi," he said, kissing her eyes gently. "I'm glad you left. I didn't want you to see me like that. It was embarrassing."

She pulled back quickly and stared at him.

"You have nothing to be embarrassed about," she said. "Why would you say that?"

"I know it doesn't make sense," he answered as he rolled over on his back. "But, before yesterday, it was private, something that happened between me and Lee Chao. Hearing your own screams is hard enough the first time, but in front of a room full of strangers, it was embarrassing. I lost my privacy yesterday, Kens. It's why I ran. I couldn't bear the pity in everyone's eyes. I hated it."

She reached over and gently ran her thumb across his lips and then his cheek, before leaning over to kiss him on the forehead.

"I'm glad you left Kens," he said again as he stared back toward the window. "I don't want to see pity in your eyes, too."

"The only thing you'll see in my eyes is love," she whispered, kissing him softly.

He pulled her onto his chest and they held each other as the room slowly lightened. Eventually the sounds from the street below signaled it was time to prepare for the hearing and as reluctant as he was to return to that room, he rose with a new resolve and again began to mentally strip away all of his emotions, steeling himself for whatever came, be it good or bad. He was determined not to respond in the way Granger was counting on.

He closed his eyes and called up the image of The Wall and the names he'd read in the dark last night, men and women unknown to him, but each important and loved by someone. Then he took a deep breath as images of the men who had died in the final assault on Lee Chao's cargo ship floated before him. Some he had worked with briefly, a few he had spoken to, most were unknown to him, but all had been willing to give their lives to stop a madman who liked to blow people up. Today he would speak for them, because they deserved the truth to be spoken about what they did and why they died. That determination steadied him and calmed him as he stared at his face in the mirror, finally prepared to do battle before a room full of strangers and a few stalwart friends.

"You ready?" Kensi asked.

"I'm good to go," he replied.

...

He felt different as he entered the hearing room, no longer naive, no longer unsure, having been baptized in yesterday's fire. Today, he shook hands with the men who offered and looked steadily into the eyes of the people who greeted him. He talked easily with James McLoughlan, his boss and with the man from the CIA who had sat next to him the day before, introducing himself and chatting until Hetty had interrupted, leading him over to a group of familiar faces. He became shy as he approached Callen and Joe and especially Sam, looking down several times, biting his lip until finally clearing his throat, signaling he had something to say.

"I want to apologize for running out on all of you after the hearing yesterday," Deeks said softly, his eyes searching their faces for anger and resentment. "You stood by me and I want to thank you for that. It meant a lot to me. I shouldn't have run off without telling you that."

"You done?" Sam asked.

"Yeah," Deeks said, waiting for the dressing down he felt he deserved.

"Good," he replied. "You're welcome."

Then Sam pulled him into a quick hug that shut off the air to his lungs and when he was finally able to breathe he looked over to see a look of understanding and acceptance in Callen's eyes. Joe slapped him sharply on the back as Kensi joined them and he fought against the emotion threatening to spoil his plan.

"Hope you enjoyed the many attractions of the city last night, Mr. Deeks," Hetty said with a small and very brief smile. "You needed the break."

"I bet them you wouldn't show today," Joe said. "You cost me some money, dumb-ass."

"Why wouldn't I come back, Joe?" Deeks said, a crooked grin flitting quickly across his face. "It was so much fun yesterday. Besides, I don't think it's in my best interests to skip out on a Congressional hearing."

The sound of the banging gavel cut off any further conversation as the hearing was called to order. Deeks walked quietly toward his place at the witness table, but found his way blocked by Granger. They stared at each other, Granger smirking with cold, dark eyes, and Deeks staring back solemnly with no emotion whatsoever. He saw a shade of doubt flit across Granger's features and a hint of a smile trembled on his own lips as he shoved past the man. He knew in that instant that if Granger remained with NCIS after this hearing, he would never be able to return to that agency. He quickly locked down his emotional response to that thought, knowing he had to focus on today's proceedings. He would deal with the aftermath later.

"This morning's session will deal with what went wrong during the final assault on Lee Chao's base of operations," Chairman Wilson began. "It is our understanding that the cargo ship, 'Year of the Snake', was being used by Lee Chao and other Chinese agents to conduct various operations on the west coast. It is equipped with highly sophisticated equipment and has produced a wealth of information about the Chinese intelligence service. Several caches of stolen military weapons were recovered from the ship, including the long-range rocket launchers stolen from Edwards Air Force Base. Of course, the Chinese government is denying any connection to Lee Chao or the ship. As badly as this operation ended, we are fortunate that this ship is now in our hands and that a dangerous foreign operative has been eliminated."

"Mr. Granger, is it your contention that Deeks and Atwood ignored the plan for the assault and charged in early, before the lights were out," Senator Hoskins said loftily. "Is that what caused this operation to go sour?"

"I thought it was Mr. Granger's assertion that Mr. Deeks gave up sensitive information while being tortured by Lee Chao," Senator Ryan interrupted. "That was proven wrong yesterday. Now you want us to believe it was because Deeks and Atwood went in early. Seems as though Mr. Granger's finger only points in one direction, Senator Hoskins."

"Let Mr. Granger answer, Senator Ryan," Hoskins said angrily. "He was there."

"So were a lot of other people, Senator," Ryan responded. "And I'd like to hear from some of them. It's a known fact that one of the squads went in before the go order, but which one did is in question. Mr. Foster, you were the CIA observer that night. Tell us what you saw."

The man Deeks had been sitting next to pulled the microphone closer and then looked briefly at him before answering.

"Two squads actually went in before the go order was given," Foster said. "The first was a team of four and had on NCIS vests. The second was a team of two and were FBI."

"Did the first team go on their own?" Ryan asked.

"No sir. Assistant Director Granger ordered Agent Scott's team in first." Foster answered.

"And how would you know that, Mr. Foster?" Senator Hoskins asked gruffly.

"I was standing right next to him when he gave the order," Foster replied calmly. "He had a private comm set up with that particular team."

"Is that true, Mr. Granger?" Senator Wilson asked.

"Yes and I had my reasons," Granger said. "I disagreed with the plan for Deeks and Atwood to arrest Lee Chao. Agent Scott's team was better trained and stronger and I felt they would have the best chance of bringing a Chinese agent down then one undercover cop and an FBI agent. It was my call, Senator."

"So, Mr. Granger, you were the one who broke protocol," Senator Michaels voice cut in angrily. "And your so-called highly trained team was spotted, leading to their deaths as well as the death of five others and the wounding of six. If that was your call, it wasn't a very good one and the losses are totally unacceptable."

"There has to be more to this, Granger," Ryan said. "What did you hope to gain by your team being the one to arrest Lee Chao? Sounds like you had your own agenda on this op."

"Nonsense," Granger replied.

"This is an official inquiry, Assistant Director," the chairman said loudly. "Our questions and concerns are not nonsense."

"Sir, if I may, I might be able to cast some light on Mr. Granger's agenda," a voice interjected.

"Introduce yourself, please," Wilson said.

"John W. Fellers, Defense Intelligence Agency," the man said quietly. "Mr. Granger was in contact with me and my department before the final operation took place. He inquired about switching agencies if he was able to secure Lee Chao."

"I spoke with you in strictest confidence," Granger growled. "And my interest in switching agencies had nothing to do with this operation."

"Are you calling me a liar, Mr. Granger?" Fellers asked coldly as he turned to stare at the man.

"Please, gentlemen, let's keep this civil," the chairman said calmly.

"We're getting off task here, Mr. Chairman," Senator Hoskins said. "This is about a field operation, not political gamesmanship between the agencies of the intelligence community."

"Agreed, Senator," Wilson said, banging his gavel.

"Well, Mr. Chairman, I would like to know exactly what happened on that ship," Senator Michaels said calmly. "Men died out there that night and I would like to know why."

"Agent Deeks, take us through that night as you remember it," Senator Ryan said.

Deeks was still trying to process the information he'd just heard, and took a moment to collect himself before beginning. He closed his eyes to focus on that deadly night and after taking a deep breath, he began his report. He took them through each step, admitting that he and Joe had taken off running toward the ship after seeing Scott's team illuminated by the security lights on the dock.

"I knew they would be spotted and I needed to warn them," he said.

"Why did you think that," Ryan asked.

"I'd had Lee Chao under surveillance off and on for almost a month, and I knew he always had men watching his back," Deeks replied. "And if Scott had been spotted then Lee Chao would kill them and as many of the rest of us as he could."

"Tell us what happened when you got on board," Ryan said softly.

Deeks returned to his narrative, doing as Joe had told him to do days ago when they had still been in Wyoming. He helped the committee feel what it was like to be there. He described the panic he felt when he saw Lee Chao's men lined up and firing on the unsuspecting agents below and how he and Joe had tried to take them out. He told them how he had yelled out a warning to the agents on the dock and how sick and angry he'd felt when he heard the screams of the wounded.

"Joe saved my life when I went down," He said quietly. "Then I told him to go find the four-man team we'd seen go early. I knew they'd be in trouble."

"This was an experienced squad," Hoskins said with a disbelieving grunt. "Why did you think they would need your help?"

"Senator, I had already experienced a firefight with Lee Chao," Deeks answered. "He not only dealt in missiles and RPGs, he loved to shoot them at people. He was a sadistic madman, sir, who enjoyed blowing people up. I knew he wouldn't hesitate to kill those men, so I sent Joe to warn them, but he was too late. If Scott hadn't pushed him away, Joe would have been killed along with the others."

"Couldn't you have warned Agent Scott's team through your comm?" Ryan asked.

"I tried when we first ran toward the ship, but there was no response," Deeks answered.

"They weren't on the normal channel, sir," the CIA man interjected. "Scott was only in contact with Granger."

"So, Mr. Granger, you were operating outside the Task Force," Chairman Wilson said quietly.

"It was my opinion that it was the best way to take down Lee Chao," Granger said smugly. "I had no faith in Deeks whatsoever. He was just a cop and physically and mentally compromised. I disagreed with the Task Force plan to send him in, so I did what I thought was best and sent my highly trained team in first."

"That didn't work out so well, did it Mr. Granger?" Senator Ryan asked softly.

Granger remained silent.

"Before we break for lunch, I want the committee to view the security footage from the ship of the final firefight," Senator Ryan said. "I think it will give us all the information we need to make a decision concerning this operation."

Deeks felt a strong hand grip his shoulder and he turned to look into the piercing blue eyes of Callen.

"Don't react, Deeks," he said quietly.

"This video is quite violent and graphic, so be forewarned," Senator Ryan commented as the video began.

The grainy, black and white images played silently in the darkened room. The only sound coming from those watching as men were seen falling, their bodies jerking with the impact of multiple bullets. He gripped Joe's arm tightly as the video showed the scattered bodies on the dock below the ship. The video then showed footage of Lee Chao's men shooting at the agents and Deeks heard a small grunt from Kensi as she saw him take a bullet in the leg. He rubbed the healed wound unconsciously as he watched Joe cover his body with his own and fire on Lee Chao's men. Deeks was then seen pushing Joe away and pointing toward the bridge, with Joe reluctantly leaving to go and warn the four-man team. Deeks watched himself struggle to follow and this time he felt Sam's hand on his shoulder.

Suddenly the video switched to a view from a camera positioned close to the bridge. The four-man team led by Agent Scott was tightly grouped as they made their way toward the stairs before being interrupted by Joe. The argument between the two men showed Joe's desperate attempt to reason with Scott. Deeks shook his head as he watched, remembering how stubborn and arrogant the man had been. Joe was shown trying to pull the man away from the stairs to the bridge before Scott violently shoved him back with both hands. Then the screen flashed with a brilliant explosion, obliterating all images and causing gasps from the audience. When the screen returned to normal, people turned away in horror from the image on the screen. The deck of the ship was ripped and ruptured, still smoking from the blast. Little was left of the men who had been standing there moments before. Joe's body could be seen lying crumpled against the side of the ship, his body limp and bleeding and covered in shrapnel.

Deeks looked quickly at his partner. Joe's hands were shaking as he watched and Deeks reached out to him.

"Shit, man," Joe mumbled. "How did I survive that?"

"FBI guys are tough, Joe," Deeks said softly. "You told me that yourself."

Then Joe pointed at the screen and Deeks looked back to see himself crawling through fire and body parts to reach his partner and he felt Sam's hand once again on his shoulder. The image of him pulling Joe's body into his arms and frantically trying to stop the bleeding was intimate, showing the anguish on his face as he talked to his unconscious partner.

"Deeks?" Joe whispered.

He turned in his chair to see Joe staring at the screen, his face rigid, fighting to keep his composure. Deeks turned back to the video and saw himself confronted by Lee Chao. He swallowed hard as he watched himself bring Joe's gun up and empty the clip into the man until be fell backwards into the cargo hole. Murmurs of approval filled the room, before they were silenced as the video showed Deeks pass out and go limp.

As he sat quietly at the witness table, he let his breath ease out, thinking the video was finally over, but it continued to run and his eyebrows creased with questions.

He saw Granger approach them as they lay unconscious on the deck of the ship and he sucked in his breath. Granger stood in shock over the remains of his team before turning toward the two wounded men. He reached down suddenly, his face raw with rage and grabbed Joe by his bloody vest, yanking him up before throwing him viciously aside, face down on the deck, kicking his legs out of his way as he reached for Deeks, slapping him hard across the face before trying to shake him awake.

Deeks sat in shock as people murmured around him. Then he felt Joe rise from his chair and he turned toward him.

"You fucking sonofabitch!" Joe screamed and lunged toward Granger. Deeks leaped up, knocking his chair over as he quickly wrapped his arms around his raging partner, trying to keep him from reaching Granger. Joe struggled mightily against him, screaming curses and Deeks wasn't sure he could hold him until Callen and Sam joined in restraining him.

"Let it go, Joe," Deeks said softly as tears streamed down his partner's face. "He's not worth the paperwork, remember? You told me that once. He's a coward and an asshole, Joe. He's not worth it, man. He's not worth it."

Joe suddenly collapsed into his chair as the sound of a pounding gavel finally reached the small group of friends. The silence in the room hung heavily around them as people, stunned by what they had just seen, filed out of the hearing room.

...


	37. Chapter 37

**Judgement: Chapter 37**

...

The hush in the room was heavy with barely suppressed outrage as men and women made their way out of the hearing room. There were a few murmured comments in Deeks' direction, but his only concern was for his partner. Joe was still rigid with anger and his breathing was ragged as he stared at the solitary figure of Owen Granger sitting not far from them with his head down. Joe tried to rise again when Granger finally stood and walked from the room alone, but Sam had his hands planted firmly on his shoulders, keeping him in his chair, while Deeks spoke softly to him, still trying to calm him down.

"Let it go, Joe," Deeks said again, "Just let it go. The bastard will pay for what he did, man."

"You sure about that, partner?" Joe said harshly. "Guys like that never pay."

"That sounds kind of cynical for you, buddy," Deeks replied, becoming even more worried by his partners unusual attitude. The role reversal didn't escape him as he remembered how Joe had kept him from charging Granger and Scott outside of Kensi's room at the hospital.

"Don't despair, Mr. Atwood," Hetty said. "Granger is a pariah now. No agency will touch him. His reprehensible actions cost him a lot of friends today. I just got off the phone with SecNav, who just finished watching the video, courtesy of Director Vance. He was appalled, to say the least. He called Granger a coward and wants to convey his apologies for what Granger did to you on his watch. He will be dealt with, Joe. Maybe not as harshly as he deserves, but he'll find himself in a place that will give him time to consider his actions and with no access to the power he was seeking. His career is in shambles and that may be the cruelest punishment of all."

"So they'll send him to some hellhole far away where he can't hurt anybody," Callen said.

"Probably," Hetty responded. "He'll be at the bottom of the barrel, but still someplace where they can keep an eye on him. He holds a lot of secrets in that head of his."

"We still have to hear what the committee has to say," Deeks said. "They might still come down on his side."

"Not a chance, Mr. Deeks," Hetty said, patting him gently on the arm. "By the way, SecNav wants to meet with you both when things settle down. Director Vance had to sit through quite a lengthy dressing down over your dismissal, Mr. Deeks. Apparently he demanded that the director get you back."

"I'll have to think about that Hetty," he said, ignoring the surprised looks on everyone's faces. "I'm not sure what I want to do right now."

Before anyone could respond, a man approached the group and the stormy look on his face caught their attention. Callen took a step in front of Deeks and Kensi stepped up next to him.

"Mr. Deeks, may I have a word with you, please?" the man asked, his voice deep and commanding. "Your friends can stand down. I'm not here to cause you trouble."

"Who are you?" Deeks asked as he stood up and faced the man. Joe rose at the same time and the partners faced him together, their faces taut and inquisitive.

"My name is Marshall Scott, US Navy, Retired," he said, almost coming to attention in front of them. "Richard Scott was my son."

Deeks turned to look at Joe, dumbfounded, his mouth suddenly dry. He felt Joe tense as he tried to prepare for what might be coming.

"I came to thank you both for your attempts to save him," Marshall Scott said, his voice suddenly losing its power as tears clouded his eyes.

"We're sorry... We're sorry we couldn't do that, sir," Deeks said, stumbling over his words as his body gradually relaxed.

"My son was always brash and overconfident and I could see he wasn't any different that night," Marshall Scott said intensely, "But he was my son and I loved him."

With that simple, honest statement he turned and walked away.

"Oh my God, he was here. He watched that video," Kensi said, her voice wavering.

"Shit," Joe said quietly.

They all moved quickly when they heard the man's voice loudly calling out Granger's name in the foyer. As they reached the doorway they saw Marshall Scott shove Granger hard against the wall, his face a mask of rage. Before anyone could stop him he began hitting Granger viciously in the face as he yelled curses and accusations at him.

Callen and Sam and a couple of security guards managed to pull him off, leaving Granger stunned and bloody on the floor. No one moved to help him up and he finally stumbled to his feet, trying to straighten his tie and reclaim some semblance of dignity.

"You got my son killed, you fucking bastard," Scott shouted as the security guards dragged him away.

"I think I need a drink," Joe said as he turned away from the scene.

Everyone nodded as Sam and Callen rejoined the group. Hetty stood solemnly staring back at Granger as he wiped blood from his mouth.

"Drinks are on me," she said, "I think a toast to Mr. Marshall Scott is in order."

She turned sharply away from the former Assistant Director and led her gang toward the exit.

...

The afternoon session started late and a sense of melancholy seemed to hang over the proceedings. There were a few more reports about the intelligence that had been recovered about the Chinese operatives still in the country and some statements were read into the record, but most people were there to hear the committee's recommendations.

"Mr. Deeks, I understand you would like to read a statement," Chairman Wilson said.

"Yes sir," Deeks answered as the room quieted around him. Questioning looks greeted his quick glance over at Joe and Hetty and he could tell he had surprised the others as well.

"The last three months have been a difficult time for me and for the people I care about." Deeks began slowly. "The experience changed my life. I have spent most of my life living in the shadows, doing my job without anyone knowing I was doing it except the people who sent me out to do it. During that time I kept my personal life private, but this hearing has changed that as well. To say I'm uncomfortable with that is an understatement. As everyone in this room knows, people in my line of work don't seek out the spotlight because it can cost you your life. But this hearing laid bare the most horrific moments of my life and made me look deep within myself in the process. I don't know how this committee will judge me or my actions during this operation and frankly, right now, I don't really care. I did my job the only way I knew how and I'm good with that. Your opinion won't change what happened."

Deeks took a drink of water and a deep breath before continuing. He looked briefly at Joe and saw a slight grin flashed back at him and it gave him a feeling of normalcy.

"This hearing isn't about me or any of us left standing after that night." Deeks continued, "It's about the men who gave their lives that night trying to stop a terrorist. Lee Chao might have been a Chinese agent, but he was no different than any of the terrorists he supplied arms to. He meant harm to this country and to innocent people, and the agents that died gave their lives trying to stop him. Don't forget them Senators, as you give your ruling. The mistakes that were made that caused their deaths will be debated and blame will be assigned, but those men did their jobs and should be honored by this committee, just as any soldier justly deserves. Please don't play politics with their sacrifice."

Deeks slowly let out his breath as he finished.

"Thank you, Agent Deeks," Senator Wilson said quietly.

"Mr. Chairman, I agree with Agent Deeks and would like to read the names of the men killed during the operation into the official record." Senator Michaels said. "I also proposed Congressional commendations be presented to their families."

As the names were slowly read, Deeks felt a heaviness in his chest as he pictured those names carved in dark granite, the cold, hard stone reflecting the horror of that night back at him. Lee Chao's face hovered there as well, and he relived the moment when his body tumbled over the side and down into the depths of his own ship. He had killed the person responsible and that signaled the end for him.

"I have asked Senator Ryan to deliver our opinion about the Lee Chao operation," the Chairman said. "But before I do I would like Agent Deeks to know that all personal revelations exposed during this hearing will remain classified. I hope that will give you some solace, Mr. Deeks."

"The decision I'm about to read was unanimous and not difficult to arrive at," Senator Ryan said. "We wanted answers about a compromised operation, but in retrospect we see it as a success. A Chinese agent was revealed and killed, his base of operations acquired and stolen weapons secured. This operation was part of the war on terror and we won this battle, unfortunately men died, but that comes with the territory. It is the judgement of this committee that the mistakes that caused those deaths lay at the feet of NCIS Assistant Director Owen Granger. He lost sight of what was at stake and it became obvious during this hearing that he was only interested in the political power Lee Chao's capture would bring him. He put men at risk for his own personal gain and attempted to slander the reputation of the one man whose extraordinary efforts brought about the downfall and death of a vicious foreign operative."

"Agent Martin Deeks and Agent Joseph Atwood, you are both commended by this committee for your dedication and perseverance in pursuing Lee Chao and for bringing his activities in this country to an end. His death at your hands Mr. Deeks, was not openly discussed at this hearing, but everyone on this committee thanks you for bringing him the justice he deserved."

"Owen Granger is not present this afternoon," Senator Ryan continued, "But a Congressional censure will be added to his permanent file. It is also the recommendation of this committee that he lose his position as Assistant Director of NCIS, and not allowed any further access to classified information."

"I thank all of you for your testimony before this committee," Chairman Wilson said, "This hearing is adjourned."

It was over so quickly that Deeks was surprised at how little time it had taken to render the decision. He wasn't even aware he'd been holding his breath during Ryan's reading of the final judgement until air exploded out of his lungs when Sam slapped him heartily on the back, making him cough and laugh at the same time. Relief flooded through him as Sam hugged him and then Callen. Hetty gripped his hand in both of hers and her eyes were bright as she expressed her congratulations. Joe looked as drained as he did and Deeks clapped his hand down solidly on his shoulder and they shared a look that spoke to their survival and their common relief that it was over. He felt Kensi's arms wrap around his body and he turned to see her crying. He smiled at her and wiped her tears and then pulled her in for a tight, exuberant embrace.

"God, Kens," he whispered, "It's over."

He would have said more but was interrupted by the CIA agent, Foster, who had sat next to him throughout the hearing. The man motioned for him to walk to where they would have some privacy.

"If you ever decide to leave the FBI, there's a place for you on my team," Foster said solemnly. "My superiors were impressed with you, Deeks and so was I. I'm sure you understand that this offer should remain between the two of us."

Deeks said nothing as the man handed him a card and then turned and disappeared into the crowd. He was astonished at the offer and as he made his way back to his group, John Fellers of the DIA made him a similar one, again leaving him speechless. James McLoughlan caught his eye and shook his head as he came up to him.

"I told you this would happen, Deeks," he said. "All the agencies saw both videos and are aware of what happened during that op. They probably know more than you do. And, they know a good man when they see one."

"Thank you," Deeks said hesitantly. "Can I talk to you sir?"

They found a deserted corner of the room and Hetty watched their conversation silently from afar.

"Everyone's making their move, Hetty," Callen said knowingly.

"I think Mr. Deeks might be making a move of his own," she replied.

"When will you make yours, Hetty?" he asked. "He has to know we want him back."

"Let's give him a little break first, Mr. Callen," Hetty said with a sly smile. "He doesn't need to be pushed right now, but don't worry, I'll sneak up on him at the proper time."

"I've no doubt about that," Callen said.

The others came to join them and as McLoughlan walked away, a Senate Page approached Deeks and handed him an envelope.

"More offers?" Sam asked.

"Probably," Callen said. "He already has two."

They watched as Deeks read the letter, then he turned and looked quickly around, his face creased with questions and dark with anger. Then his hand dropped to his side as he crushed the letter in his fist and let it drop to the floor. They all moved quickly toward him, but Joe and Kensi reached him first. Joe picked up the letter and smoothed it open to read it, before handing it over to Callen.

"Sonofabitch," Joe said.

Deeks looked worn out and hollow as Callen handed the letter over to Hetty.

"It has to be Granger," Callen said intensely.

"We should have known he wouldn't accept defeat easily," Hetty said.

"He still blames me for all of it," Deeks said. "It's a threat. But, it's typewritten and without a signature, so there's no proof it came from him."

"I'll make an enquiry with the Senate Pages," Hetty said, deep in thought and angry. "It's not a specific threat, just a vague one to let you know he hasn't forgotten who he chooses to blame for his downfall. I'll make Vance aware and SecNav as well."

"Well, I've had enough of Washington," Deeks said, standing up straighter. "And enough of thinking about Granger. Fuck 'im. Drinks are on me tonight. Dinner's on Joe."

"Wait. Why is dinner on me?" Joe asked as he trailed after the pack.

"Cause you're FBI," Sam said.

"Deeks is FBI," Joe reminded him.

"Yeah, but we only loaned him to you guys," Sam said with a jovial smile. "He's a temp."

Sam caught the look from Callen as they walked out and they nodded to each other.

"The sooner he's back with us the better, Sam."

"I know G."

...

...

She came up behind him suddenly, shoving him forward and causing him to trip and fall.

"Shit!"

"That's what it's called Deeks," Joe laughed. "But you're not supposed to sit in it."

"I think Sheila's still mad at me," Deeks said as he got up and tried to brush off the disgusting slime that clung to his jeans.

"Horses don't get mad, dumb-ass," Joe said.

"They get even" the two men said in unison, both laughing as Sheila came up and placed her head against Deeks' chest.

"She missed you, Marty," George said as he handed Deeks a towel.

"I missed her too," he replied.

"Glad you decided to come back with Joe," George said quietly, squeezing his neck briefly before turning to walk back to the house. "Dinner in a hour, so you might want to shower. We've got a guest coming and I don't want you stinking up my kitchen."

The two men finished rubbing down the horses before letting them out to pasture. They stood quietly along the fence and watched them join the herd. The sun was low over the distant Tetons and Deeks took off his hat and tousled his hair, letting the wind dry the sweat along his brow.

"When were you going to tell me?" Joe asked.

"When I got up the courage," Deeks said, staring out across the field.

"We've been here almost two weeks, man," Joe said as he turned to look at him.

"McLoughlan tell you?"

"He called last night," Joe said, dropping his head to his chest and blowing out his breath.

"Sorry, buddy," Deeks said. "But I just can't stay with the FBI."

"I know," Joe said softly. "I'll miss you dumb-ass."

"I'll miss you too, brother," Deeks said as tears glistened in his eyes. "Shit."

"Don't start," Joe said, blinking rapidly. "I knew it was inevitable as soon as I met Kensi."

"She prettier than you, dude," Deeks laughed as he put his hand on his former partner's shoulder.

"She's probably tougher, too," Joe laughed as he wiped his eyes.

"Tougher than both of us," Deeks said.

"I know she smells better than you, especially right now," Joe said, pinching his nose and shoving Deeks toward the house.

When they reached the porch they heard a car pull up and walked around to the front. Deeks stopped in shock.

"Hetty?"

"Hello, Mr. Deeks. Joe," she said. "Your father was kind enough to invite me for dinner."

"Did something happen? Is everybody okay?" Deeks hurried forward, worry creasing the lines of his face.

"Everyone's fine, Mr. Deeks," Hetty said. "I just needed your signature on some paperwork."

"You talked to McLoughlan," Deeks said with a relieved smile.

"Yes." Hetty nodded.

"Hello, Ms. Lange," George said as he came out onto the porch. "I'm George Atwood. Can I interest you in a glass of Scotch while these two clean up?"

"I like the way you think, Mr. Atwood," she answered. "But please, call me Hetty."

"Hetty it is, if you call me George," he said as he led her into the house and grabbed two glasses and a bottle of Scotch. "Ever spent any time around cattle and horses, Hetty?"

"Not real ones," she said as she followed him out onto the side porch. "But I had a marvelous experience with a mechanical bull once."

"That's one story I gotta hear," George said laughing deeply.

...

The dinner was simple and the conversation lively, full of funny stories and shared interests. Deeks was quiet as he tried to come to terms with the fact that he would be leaving this place soon. He knew Hetty was here to offer him his job back and it gave him a comfortable feeling to know that his life would be getting back to normal. He watched Joe closely, saddened that he would be leaving the one person he had bonded with so deeply over the last three months. Even though they wouldn't be working together anymore, he knew they would see each other as often as they could. He kicked him under the table and motioned toward the door and they both rose and headed for the barn.

"Those two have formed quite a close relationship," Hetty said.

"More like brothers, I think," George said. "They'll miss each other."

"Yes, but they won't lose touch," Hetty said.

"Are they in danger, Hetty?" George asked. "Is that man Granger still able to cause them trouble?"

"Granger was reassigned to a small office in Papua New Guinea," she answered. "He arrived there five days ago. Yesterday, he emailed his resignation to our director. This morning he dropped off the grid. We have no idea where he is."

"You're worried," George said.

"Yes," she said. "It's why I called you. When I found out Mr. Deeks resigned from the FBI I couldn't waste any time. I need to get him back with my team. I have made Joe's boss aware of the situation as well. There has been no physical threats made but in our line of work and knowing Granger as I do, that is not out of the realm of possibility."

"You going to tell them?" George asked.

"Not right away," she said. "I think they need a break from all the turmoil and tension they've been living with. My team will watch out for Mr. Deeks, and McLoughlan informed me he was assigning your son to a four man team for added protection."

"Thanks for looking after them, Hetty," George said. "Marty is part of my family now. I wouldn't want to lose him."

"Neither would I, George," Hetty said. "I'm quite fond of Mr. Deeks. We all are."

...

...

He felt the powerful swell rise beneath him and he pushed off strongly, paddling rapidly to catch the crest of the wave as it broke. Wind whipped the spray around him as he slipped down the face of the rushing wave and cut in before the curl. He laughed as he worked his board, reveling in the joy of the familiar smell of salty air, the wind in his hair and the cries of the gulls as the dying wave slowly dissolved, the white water cascading around him until finally engulfing him as it pushed him toward shore.

"Oh buddy," he shouted over the roar of the surf, "There's no place like home."

...

_Thanks to all who have followed Deeks on his long journey. I have appreciated every comment and review. Some made me laugh, some made me think, but all inspired me and encouraged me to continue. You have been gracious and kind and I have enjoyed reading every word each one of you wrote and I was touched with how many saved this story as a favorite._

_Until our next adventure..._

_Sweet Lu_


End file.
